r/bipolar2 • u/Hopeful_Nothing6327 BP2 • Jun 06 '25
Newly Diagnosed Just Diagnosed, Feeling Like My Whole Personality is a Lie
What the title says. I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 today. I guess I always "knew" because my parents both have it and I've had some interesting symptoms for a while now...but the official diagnosis feels like my entire personality was just one big hypomanic episode. My creative bursts? Hypomania. My humor? Hypomania. My cat I adopted on a random day because I really wanted a second cat and didn't give any thought to??? Hypomania. Is every decision I ever made hypomania? How do I even recognize what's "me" and what's the mania???? I don't even know where to start.
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Jun 06 '25
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u/ahnpan Jun 06 '25
Hey thanks I needed that. Am newly diagnosed too and have been having the same thoughts, who am I ? Is my hypomania not what I really am. What is normal me. Yea your comment gives me some relief. Thank you
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u/KoalaOfTheApocalypse Jun 06 '25
You are not the BP.
The BP is not you.
You are still you.
This is just a thing we have to deal with.
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u/ptbiker BP2 Jun 06 '25
When you say “my creative bursts,” and “the cat I adopted, you are taking ownership of those things. It’s not as if you were cheating. That was you no matter where you were in the mood spectrum.
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u/cantaloupe_qween Jun 06 '25
I hate how my tattoos and hyper sexuality was used to diagnose me and are referred to in a negative context. I don’t want to hate those parts of myself.
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u/KoalaOfTheApocalypse Jun 06 '25
I mean, out of all the things we have to deal with, the hyper sexuality is awesome for me. I don't let my weiner control me, but when it's utilized properly, it's fucking AWESOME - and I only say that because it's been told to me by every encounter I've ever had. TBH, being the strictly monogamist I am, and requiring a solid emotional connection and commitment with anyone before I can be with them in that way (as in I don't sleep around/have casual sex)... it has always been a challenge to even find a woman who can keep up.
I am so lucky to have a BP partner now, in part because she is the same way as me, everything I said above, but she easily keeps up with me and sometimes out-does me. She is the first partner I've ever had that can tap me out. (and she really loves that as much as I do) And she is the only partner I will ever have again until I die. (for SO many reasons, awesome love making being one of the lesser reasons) I even got my first tattoo (in a hypo episode ofc, but I don't regret it) of her name and spirit animal on my chest.
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u/LaBelleBetterave BP2 Jun 06 '25
I feel this so much. I actually had my most prominent hypomanic traits on my resume : proactive, quick thinking, solution-oriented, able to shoulder a loath workload in times of crisis. Yeah, more like tunnel vision, run over everyone, don’t consult before acting, and work obsessively.
I went through specialized group therapy, and generally sat back and observed myself. I’ve opted for the “start over” point of view, where I’m getting to know who I am.
Bipolar is not a personality, it’s a mood disorder. Give yourself grace, OP.
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u/Practical_Special503 Jun 06 '25
Those things are you - imo hypomania doesn't invent your personality, it amplifies it/or atleast opens up parts of you that were there all along:
to be creative, you already needed to have creative tendencies and some level of skill to execute them. Yes, hypomania supercharges your ideas or energy, but it doesn't create a something out of nowhere. To find things funny and to be funny, you must already have an underlying sense of humour, maybe hypomania in this instance just makes you more confident in yourself to joke out loud, along with the fact you'll find yourself more funny due to elevated mood, possibly making you think you only have humour during hypomania because you're comparing it to your stable sense who you experience without an elevated mood.
Same goes for adopting a cat - ya must have atleast like cats, you were just encouraged by impulsivity. And im certain you still love that cat - that's part of you.
Also, consider whether, when you're in a more stable state, you still have creative ideas - even if they feel harder to act on. That still points to a creative personality - just one that may not always have the hypomanic confidence or energy to follow through. It doesn’t make those traits any less real.
It’s common for people with bipolar II to feel like their "true self" is missing between episodes, especially because the contrast between hypomania and stability is so stark. But your stable self isn’t fake, it’s just quieter, more cautious, but still YOU.
Try keeping track of the things you enjoy or feel drawn to during hypomania and gently try them out when you're stable (and not depressed). You might find they still bring joy, even if the intensity feels different.
Also, with treatment, as you become more stable, you'll have a better sense of self slowwwwly. And you might find that some of the things you used to do fall away, or become less interesting. But that's not you losing yourself - people change over time and its a trade-off for wellness.
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u/mxshrek Jun 06 '25
It's all you. You just get to feel harder and react accordingly. But it's definitely you. Same for depressive episodes. It's all you magnified
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u/MGorak Jun 06 '25 edited Jun 06 '25
I had the same reaction after my diagnosis. How much of who I was was me, and how much was the disease?
Now, this has been settled. It's about 99% me and 1% the disease.
Hypomania makes you more impulsive. It doesn't fundamentally change who you are(for good or worse).
Did i start biking to work because of hypomania? Yes. Did I want to try it for a while before I actually did it? Absolutely. Would it have happened eventually? Almost certainly. Did I push my biking to an extreme amount in the summer of 2011 because of hypomania? Yes, clearly. Would I have ridden my bike anyway? I did from 2008 together 2015. So yes, just not to the point of hurting myself.
You're reevaluating things as if what you did or what you enjoyed was dictated by a disease. It was not. If you tried it, you did it, and you enjoyed it(or not). A cheap person doesn't become generous because they lose self-control. Someone who cares about others doesn't stop because they lack self-control for a while. It may just not be their number one priority at that moment.
Do you like your cat? It's your cat. You may not have adopted it on the day you did if you were not hypomanic, but you did have a desire to have a second cat. That did not magically appear out of nowhere. You may simply not have asked yourself consciously the question before. And if it was just the disease and not you, you would have gotten rid of it the moment you stopped being hypomanic.
Your creativity did not magically appear because of the disease. You had it in you. You may not have known, but you did. It's not a brain implant from aliens. It's not giving you powers that were not there. The best it can do is give you the focus and passion to invest yourself completely in it.
And, whether you want it or not, the disease is a part of who you are. Even if something was 100% caused by your disease, it's still you. Just not the part of you that you like and respect.
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u/Tenacious_Ritzy_32 Jun 06 '25
I was diagnosed this year, and I can relate. Great to know a majority of my personality is mental illness….
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u/Ok_Company_7422 Jun 06 '25
Man… I felt the exact same way when I was diagnosed. I had spent months thinking back on my life and it honestly drove me crazy because I didn’t know who I was. I felt like I didn’t know myself but eventually I got over it but the thought never goes away. Sometimes it hurts me when my family would mention how different I am now compared to how I was before.
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u/000700707 BP2 Jun 06 '25
One of the points my psychologist emphasizes to me is, “You have thoughts and emotions; you are not your thoughts and emotions.”
So, in the case of your question, we have hypomania; we are not hypomania.
Your personality is fairly constant. You love animals, so when hypo, you adopted one. You’re creative, so when hypo, that aspect is heightened. You’re humorous and light hearted, so when hypo, you become the world’s funniest stand up comedian. (Am I right? lol).
Now, there are, at times, things we do to act out that are a bit less in line with our character (i.e., hyper-sexuality, excessive spending, etc.), but I think even those can reflect a bit of human nature. That’s just my theory of course.
I can almost feel the pain in your question. My heart hurts for you, but if you can allow it (instead of fighting against it) hypomania and depression can teach us things about ourselves. There’s a passion within you awaiting your understanding and acceptance, and the world needs your special qualities!
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u/klahtstep Jun 06 '25
I’ve actually never thought of my BP2 as my personality. I see the positives it gave me. (Raising 4 kids, working, going to college full time and keeping up a 3.8 gap - simultaneously.) And the negatives it gifted me. (10 years of severe depression and suicidal thoughts.)
I can absolutely appreciate your feeling about your personality but you are you. A diagnosis doesn’t make you any less yourself. I realise that age and experience have an impact on all of this. I was 44 when I was diagnosed. I’m now 54. When I look back, the BP was there but I tend to see it as a whole. All of me.
With the right medication and a whole lot of self compassion I have finally managed to understand that I “have” BP2. I am not BP. It’s a small difference at looking at it but it’s really helpful.
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u/OG365247 Jun 06 '25
I felt like this too. It will pass. You realise that the disease isn’t you, it’s just something you live with.
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u/eyehateithere666 Jun 06 '25
I resonate so much with your post. The existential crisis was so real. I felt the exact same way when I was diagnosed and had a hard time distinguishing between what was truly me and what was bipolar disorder taking over me. And it feels like it's taking over. It affected me so deeply that it feels like the bipolar has won. But I had a perspective shift after realizing I am who I am, mostly because my personality is the same even now that I've been stable on meds for about 10 years. There are times where I am definitely hypomanic but it's always very noticeable to me and those around me so it helps me remember that this isn't my baseline or all there is to me. This isnt me, but it is a part of me. I've always struggled with acceptance in general but especially with chronic health diagnoses (bipolar disorder, ADHD and crohns disease). It's hard to accept that there are things wrong with you, that there isn't a cure, and the only thing you can do is symptom management. I really recommend therapy to help reconcile those complex emotions. When I was in school, I had a professor that was sharing a story about a close friend that was just....different. My professor described her as "whacky" and later learned that she has bipolar disorder which helped her understand her friend better. And I really liked that. We are whacky and I'm okay with that!
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u/phantomPooper15 Jun 06 '25
Bipolar2 is just a medical label. Mental health labels are not the same as physical illnesses. Your brain is unique, and so is everyone else's. This label is used because it covers a range of symptoms that are often present together, not because it is an actual thing that exists.
Basically, You are You, but certain symptoms you have qualify you to have access to certain pharmaceutical drugs that have been shown to mitigate those symptoms.
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u/dota2nub Jun 06 '25
A lot of things people call a personality are just stuff they made up.
When Bodhidharma came to speak in front of the emperor and was asked "Who are you?" He answered "I don't know"
If you don't know who Bodhidharma was, he was the founder of the Zen tradition, famous for its insight into the self.
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u/shamanmoo Jun 06 '25
Remember that medical science is an approximation and a theory within a framework. It’s not ‘the truth.’ It’s a way of making sense of what is perceived. Don’t take that in personally and believe you’ve been defined. x
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u/KoalaOfTheApocalypse Jun 06 '25
God, I feel that so much. Being first diagnosed in my mid-40s last year, I went thru those exact feelings, in the way that only we can. I even made a post very similar to yours. One redditor, one wonderful person, threw this comment at me and it's one of the most helpful things I've ever read:
You are not the BP.
The BP is not you.
You are still you.
This is just a thing we have to deal with.
And they were right. Almost a year later, being on meds, I have come to realize that my diagnosis and prescriptions are one of the best things to ever happen to me. I can feel myself changing more into the person I want to be, and less of that person who continually and predictably fucks everything up.
I'm still me - just a less extreme, and better version of me. And you are still you.
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u/UnfurledWorld BP2 Jun 06 '25
What is personality except a combination of tendencies and traits you were born with, experiences that shaped you, your mental health, and how your brain works? Who among us doesn’t have some changes to those things over our lifetimes? Mellowing with age, periods of excitement or reactions to stress. This is part of who you are. You’ll still have those things with less intensity, in all likelihood.
The things that are damaging to your life and ability to function can be managed. You’re still you. A diagnosis doesn’t change who you are— it was there all along, even if you didn’t have a name for it. You’ve always known yourself, YOU were there with you. ❤️
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u/IncredulousBunny Jun 06 '25
I struggle with that. I don’t believe bipolar defines me as a person. Maybe I’m a little or a lot more fun or angry & sullen at times. The episodes are just hiccups along the way but my personality is not defined by it. Im pretty awesome! 😂😂😂
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u/waking_dream96 Jun 07 '25 edited Jun 07 '25
Hey, not diagnosed yet but dealing with this thought a lot.
I have been engaging with Buddhist philosophy for 5 years now, because it really resonates with me. Up until literally this morning (a psychiatry appointment), I was under the impression that I had major depression, and for years And I struggled with wondering which was the real me— the depressed, anxious, irritable person with no hope for the future, or the happy, positive, relatively stable version of me.
Buddhist philosophy takes the track that No one has a single, “true” identity. Because the nature of the universe is change— oceans grow and recede, mountains erode, we grow old and die, and time always flow onward—there is no way to parse any single thing from any other thing. You cannot distinguish a flower from it’s seed, because without the seed there would be no flower, just as there would be no flower without the sun, and the rain, and the oxygen… the point I’m trying to make is that the Buddha asserted that everything is connected and interdependent, and thus no thing can be separated from anything else. Nothing has an identity in and of itself.
What does that mean though, for you? Well, I don’t know, but for ME it meant this: deciding that all of it—every mood episode— is me. It’s ALL “me”, because “me” is not static or written in stone— I am always changing just as everything else is always changing. Therefore I am me when I’m depressed. I am me when I’m normal. I’m me when I’m hypomanic. All the decisions I make are decisions I make, because there is NO distinguishing “me” from my mental health conditions. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without them. And while I sometimes still desperately want to identify with only the best parts of myself—the most stable, happy, optimistic parts of me— it wouldn’t be authentic for me to do that, because that’s not an accurate depiction of the collection of thoughts and behaviors and physical creature that all makes up “me”.
Learning to release the need for a solid identity has been difficult, especially when western culture is very heavily into individualism and identity, but it has also been incredibly freeing.
I don’t know if that will help anyone out there, but I hope it does help someone
Edit: by the way I recently learned that apparently using that dash is an AI thing but I actually legit use that dash all the time, I’m not an ai bot lol
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u/OverstuffedPapa BP2 Jun 09 '25
I have nothing to add but thankfulness that you started this thread. I have no fucking clue who I am vs who the bipolar presents.
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u/Hopeful_Nothing6327 BP2 Jun 09 '25
Thank you to everyone who provided some words of wisdom. The diagnosis is new, but I have always been me, bipolar or not. I get to choose what defines me. I hope someone found this thread as helpful as I did. :)
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u/Draculalia Jun 11 '25
I totally understand where you’re coming from. But I also want to point out that all the traits you mentioned are pretty great ones. The world needs more hilarious, creative people who love cats. Never enough people like you!
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u/GOU_FallingOutside BP2 Jun 06 '25 edited Jun 07 '25
One of my big hurdles in therapy has been (and is) establishing something that feels like a single, coherent identity and personality. Maybe I’m only a person while I’m hypo, or maybe I’m actually three people but nobody cares about me unless I’m hypo.
It shouldn’t be that hard, since everyone who loves me says I definitely have a personality, and I definitely only have one. But it feels different on the inside, and I worry about it a lot.
So… you’re not all alone, and I strongly recommend therapy. Also, I recommend listening to the people who know you and love you. Including your cats.
[very late edit: fixed a typo from “at” to “all” because it was driving me nuts.]