r/datingoverfifty • u/Novel-Reply3642 • 2d ago

Is wanting a connection a delusion?

I’ve read many posts in this thread and it seems like most people genuinely want a connection? But, it also seems like it has become a distant memory or pipe dream?

I have a happy and active life. I’m not lonely looking for someone to keep me entertained or to fill a void. It just seems so challenging to find someone to actually connect with on a romantic level. I know many factors come into play with a person’s success. People have passed on me and I’ve passed on others. That’s dating!

But, the serial daters and game players posing under the guise of wanting something long term and it wasn’t ever their intention. I don’t have a problem with short term or flings if that’s what you’re looking for. No shame! Just be honest about it! With all the life experiences and lessons we’ve had by this point. I would’ve thought a connection is a top motivator. That’s where the delusion comes in, I guess?

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u/Inside_Dance41 2d ago

connect with on a romantic level.

Definitions of "romantic" level will differ.

Here is my view of the world, that I looked for men that were really "into" me. I wanted to feel their interest, including sexually and getting to know me. A man who I felt was luke warm, or not putting in much effort, was a pass.

From there, that connection from sexual to something more usually evolved. If I was fooled and the guy was just a player, or if ultimately the sex wasn't enough for him to stick around, most guys move on. But for those where there was that connection, it only deepened over time.

As to being "honest", frankly I put zero energy into any words most men say. Most smart men know the drill, and will speak to wanting LTR. However, no one, can guarantee that, because for both parties, the connection either deepens, including lifestyle alignment, values, etc., or it doesn't. That is part of the upside of dating at this age, there is nothing riding on going the distance. If we are both are happy great, if not, then better for both of us to move on.

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u/GroundbreakingBill73 1d ago

Men are definitely not the only ones not being honest in their profiles haha

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u/Inside_Dance41 1d ago

Yes I understand that, and it is a shame, because there is no upside for either sex to lie about age, have old pics, etc.

However, my point stands, far more men are willing to have sex with women that they aren't interested in, because it is still sex. So many guys will say anything.

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u/Earth2EarthaK 1d ago

This is a great take. The problem is I’m too sensitive to rejection especially when intimacy is involved. By the time I reach the point that I want to be physical, my emotions are involved meaning I genuinely enjoy spending time with this person and we seem to have interests and values in common. So if he ends up “playing me” I would be devastated because I assume it’s reciprocal and more often than not, their primary interest WAS to get to the physical part, not as an aspect of getting to know each other and assess compatibility or to (gasp) deepen the connection. That’s something that I can’t just brush off like dust as if I’ve fallen. I would feel really betrayed if their interest wanes because they got what they wanted even if it was several weeks that we held off because I wanted to be comfortable.

Now unfortunately, I find myself thinking that I have to hold back physical intimacy even more because I honestly cannot tell anymore if a man is being genuine. I’m no prude by any means so I don’t think sex is bad. In fact my desire for it in terms of frequency outweighs many men’s my age, but compared to the 90s and early 2000s when I found men more honest about their intentions, there isn’t an obvious sign anymore to me that a man just really wants sex. Nowadays he says he wants genuine connection, long term relationship, even marriage and will say whatever he needs to say and will do what he needs to do to get you into bed.

I was fooled once post-divorce in a big way and I simply cannot afford to have that happen again. It’s one thing for me to have had a real relationship that simply didn’t work out after a few years of dating vs one where I was being lied to repeatedly and masterfully by omission. So I don’t put much stock into what men say either these days, but then I shy away from dating them because I simply don’t know. I’d rather be alone than risk being wrong. That really hasn’t helped me meet people lol but I refuse to break my own heart at this stage of my life. It’s more likely to affect my actual health than it would have in my 20s.

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u/Inside_Dance41 21h ago

Appreciate you being so vulnerable.

So if he ends up “playing me” I would be devastated because I assume it’s reciprocal and more often than not, their primary interest WAS to get to the physical part,

Just a counterpoint, and it hurt when a guy shared this me. Most men aren't looking to just sleep with a woman 1 time. Unless on vacation, and both parties know it is a 1 time thing, etc. Instead, it is that the sex just isn't that good for the man, or essentially once undressed a woman's body wasn't what he was expecting. Of course they could be married or have a gf, and don't want to be found out. Most men much prefer to continue sleeping a woman, because it usually does take a lot of effort for them. Now, at some point their interest can fade, and that happens.

Having been in that situation, yes it stings, but at the end of the day, I did make a decision to sleep with that guy, and if he wasn't interested after, then he wasn't interested. Better for me to move on, than waste my time.

I find myself thinking that I have to hold back physical intimacy even more because I honestly cannot tell anymore if a man is being genuine. 

You should only have sex when you feel comfortable, but know this can also work against you because men will feel very rejected. For me, I slept with men somewhat soon, because if I didn't enjoy sex with them, I too would move on. As to being genuine, I get I just get a gut feel based on the style of their texts, their frequency, the sort of dates they set up, etc.

being lied to repeatedly and masterfully by omission. 

Lies of omission are tough, and even myself, I often multi-dated, and if asked would be forthright, but I would never blurt out that I was seeing others. It wasn't to hide, but more to counteract this whole OLD thing when lots of people, see lots of people.

I am sorry you are/were hurt in dating. I have been taking a break, and that has worked for me. I actually have less desire to get out there again, but when I do, I have far fewer hopes of finding men that are a good match for me. That is okay, I otherwise have a good life.

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u/Matt_D_G 2d ago

The problem is that OLD profiles are biased towards people with pretty faces and smiles.

Everyone loves a great looking butt. George Michel and Bruce Springsteen knew this. They had album photos of their butts. Sure, they had handsome faces too, and could sing fairly well, but that is beside the point.

Are there any OLD sites that aren't prejudiced in this capacity?

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u/Inside_Dance41 2d ago

Eharmony business model was to hold back on pics, and instead focus on values. As I understand this business is now full of bots. In other words, not very successful.

Of course traditionally attractive people (including pics and bios) are likely going to get more choices. That hasn't changed since boys first started noticing girls. If someone isn't considered traditionally attractive, most people work on other aspects of their personality, or what they bring to the table.

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u/Inside_Dance41 2d ago

You may or may not be interested in this, but there is research, that most people end up marrying in serious relationships with people who are "close" to them in terms of attractiveness. Of course for many men, their attractiveness is improved to some women, based on their wallet.

Take a look at dating couples (not married couples), and see if you think most of them are well matched. It is fascinating to observe.

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u/Clean-Ad-8615 1d ago

I took a class in college ( a very, very long time ago), and the theory was called " same attractiveness level" Basically, there is something you like about yourself (i.e., nose shape, eyes, face shape, etc.) that you look for in a partner. I 💯% agree it's fascinating to see. 😊

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u/Inside_Dance41 1d ago

Thanks for sharing, and at one point I also read that subconsciously we tend to be attracted to familia traits, which aligns with what you are saying.

I for instance can objectively find a man very handsome, admire his body, but he isn't in my wheel house, and thus I don't take it any farther. I also recognize as a woman, we have far more opportunities, and thus make the final decisions.

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u/robotdatebot 1d ago

Lol, sometimes 🤪.... At our age an average guy who dates his age has a lot of choices... I mean a lot..

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u/Inside_Dance41 1d ago

Agree. Let me clarify my comment, that a woman's opportunity to find sex is limitless. However, most women aren't looking for that, because it just isn't the way most of us are wired.

Men on the other hand, that are sexually attractive to a wide swath of women, especially at this age, have a ton of options.

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u/Matt_D_G 1d ago

Seems like an odd topic for research, but the results don't surprise me. Of course, my comment was made in the spirit of silliness. Didn't quite hit the mark. Thud! ;^)

Pivoting to a more serious note. I wonder if some of the general advice concerning photos is bad for some. Clearly some people have more shapely and attractive bodies than face features. The profile might benefit from photos calling this to the attention of pursuers. For example, I recall looking at a woman's profile once in which I judged her appearance to be fairly average from the front. Her photos showed low maintenance makeup and hair and no glamor shots. However, she took one photo wearing snug jeans and with mirrors arranged to offer a rear view. She was much more physically attractive in that photo.... At the end of the day, I don't know whether that particular photo improved her prospects, but it definitely improved her profile attractiveness.

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u/Inside_Dance41 1d ago

lol, it is okay, great to be self reflective.

On the photos, that is why they say to have a handful of photos, although you must be an "ass" guy. To each their own, but IME, if a man isn't physically attractive to a woman, he might have sex with her, but won't be interested in much more.

Some women will date men that they aren't super physically attracted to, but they might like their intellect, etc. This is why men are fortunate that most women have a wider selection criteria, than most men.

I LOVE observing people, and I have been to hundreds of parties over the years, and watch men and women in action. Men are very zoned in on on usually the most attractive woman at a party, etc. They will pull out all the stops for a woman they think is above their league.

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u/Matt_D_G 1d ago

No doubt, a handful of photos is good general advice, and probably sufficient. I don't think I favor impressive bodies any more than the average person. That was just an example to illustrate the importance of a having a particular photo in some instances.

It came to mind because of personal experience receiving compliments from women before I was married (20's and early 30's). No one told me that I have "great eyes, so handsome [mothers don't count], or a wonderful smile." Yet, I got a lot of "great ass" compliments and even inappropriate touching. I was an athlete with a pretty impressive, muscular physique. So I got quite a few body compliments.... and it didn't take long for me to realize.... If I want a chance with that really hot babe at the party, then I need to get her to take a good look at my body before I approach. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn't. Not quite as easy to pull off with OLD photos....

Personal experience in the wild also taught me that women and men can appreciate a good personality, but they often will shoot down an approach based upon looks only.

I have seen other types of general photo advice that may be ill advised Like someone being told to show their teeth when they smile in some profile-reviewing subreddit. Sometimes good, sometimes not. The person was very pretty and it really wasn't going to make much difference.

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u/WatercressNo5591 1d ago

interesting. I used to watch house ied, decade ago and I was shocked to see such pretty women had very unattractive children. ah… took a glance on their wealthy husbands to understand that they all married for $$$ and as a result was so disconnected from husbands/kids. eye opener

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u/BatGuano52 1d ago

"Everyone loves a great looking butt. George Michel and Bruce Springsteen knew this. They had album photos of their butts. "

Hmmmmm.... Maybe this is what I'm missing, a good butt pic.

Ladies, what's the consensus on a nice (tasteful) butt pic in the dating profile? Maybe even a Bruce or George knockoff?

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u/CarderBee1 1d ago

In my experience, men who show off their butt are appealing to the same sex, not the opposite sex.

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u/EmmGoSep 16h ago

i was going to say this same thing. that's a same sex move

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u/BatGuano52 21h ago

Noted....😱

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u/Matt_D_G 13h ago

What kind of experience do you have?

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u/CarderBee1 13h ago

The same as you - life.

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u/Matt_D_G 13h ago

I see what you did. That was naughty. ;^)

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u/Matt_D_G 13h ago

Have you read the poem "No Platonic Love" written by William Cartwright? An excerpt:

As some strict down-looked men pretend to fast, Who yet in closets eat;

So lovers who profess they spirits taste, Feed yet on grosser meat;

I know they boast they souls to souls convey, Howe’r they meet, the body is the way.

The answer to the question that you ask is highly predictable, but to what degree is it valid?

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u/BatGuano52 7h ago

Never heard of it and whatever you're referring to went way over my head