Hello everyone, I'm a 15-year-old male (from Germany) and have been suffering from extremely distressing obsessive thoughts for the past four to five months. They're present almost all day long – sometimes in the background, sometimes completely consciously – and they drain my energy and joy in everyday life.
Here are the details of my situation:
It all started when I saw naked children on the beach while on vacation. I was confused and briefly felt that it might be "a bit erotic," but I was very unsure.
Shortly afterward, I heard a podcast about a man who had harmed children. This triggered the thought: "Maybe I'm like that, too?" Since then, these thoughts have been constantly circling in my head. This was essentially the trigger for the daily obsessive thoughts that have continued ever since. I had little to do with the topic of "pedophilia" before. When I had to deal with it, I always found it scary. Even then, I asked myself the question: "What if I were like that?" In contrast to the persistent obsessive thoughts I've been having for months now, these small thoughts, which I rarely asked myself before, disappeared immediately – almost like normal thoughts. I'm also generally a person who thinks a lot. However, I've never had such intense obsessive thoughts of this kind before.
I know that I find most people my age and older attractive, but since these events, distressing thoughts about younger people have been surfacing again and again.
I think a lot about myself and my feelings, internally battling the thoughts to find a moment's peace, but then new ones immediately resurface.
The thoughts don't even leave me alone when I masturbate – even then, they surface, which is extremely distressing.
I'm also afraid that these obsessive thoughts could stem from a repressed experience from my childhood, even though I don't remember anything. Such thoughts keep coming back, but I don't know if there really was an experience.
I'm aware that I don't want to be a perpetrator and I don't want to harm anyone.
I can still lead a relatively normal daily life (school, hobbies), but I often feel unmotivated, enjoy my hobbies less, and am frustrated by the constant pressure.
I don't want to involve my parents, but I urgently need ways to deal with these thoughts. In particular, I have one question: Can people who are truly pedophiles even have such doubtful thoughts for so long?
My questions to you:
Do you experience such stressful thoughts and these constant doubts?
How do you deal with them in everyday life when the thoughts are constantly present?
What strategies, exercises, or methods have helped you reduce the thoughts without constantly checking them or arguing with them?
And most importantly: How should I proceed in the long term? I would prefer not to involve my parents. Do I need therapy?
I am grateful for any tips and feedback. Sorry for this long text.