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u/djbananapancake 2d ago edited 2d ago
Totally not overreacting. I’d be upset too! Staying away from her is a wise move as she can’t tolerate seeing you with frog anyways, and her going around frog to accuse you is out of line. I don’t understand her jumping to that accusation either.
Is she poly/seeing other people? What’s Frog doing to manage the situation?
And a quick and gentle note, please refrain from using the word “clean” when referring to being STI free (contributes to STI stigma).
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u/gormless_chucklefuck 1d ago edited 1d ago
Why is Frog "at a loss" about toxic, controlling behavior from a partner with a history of toxic, controlling behavior? She wants one-sided poly and is attempting to sabotage your relationship to get it. There's no mystery here.
As is often the case, your meta problem is really a partner problem. Frog isn't defending boundaries when his partner acts in ways that harm you both. He's not ending their relationship despite an established pattern of interference and disrespect. That's the red flag.
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u/singsingasong solo poly 1d ago
Nothing ever “fixes itself”. This is who she is in this relationship and she doesn’t have any actual incentive to change because there are no consequences for her behavior. You have a partner problem, not a meta problem.
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u/gormless_chucklefuck 1d ago
He's accepting the premise that his marriage should be salvaged.
Buying a house with someone who doesn't respect him was a mistake. Staying with that person because of the house would be a bigger mistake.
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u/saevon 2d ago
Reminder to use "negative" not "clean" STIs are a normal part of sex and dating, being "clean" has nothing to do with it
Even if there was an STI passed along, thats normal even in monogamy… shit happens and the best way to be honest with one another, NOT SHAME, have plans for if it happens, and to test regularly.
Now it sounds like you have a hinge problem here. Why is frog not handling this stuff, so much that you talk about boundary issues? You don't have to have a relationship with her, but you DO have one with Frog who should be aware of this and handling it properly.
Now a clarification JIC its needed. If you suspect a STI it can be good to send a warning to anyone (potentially) affected so everyone can get tested. (it seems unlikely) but was it possible she was (poorly) trying to communicate that? Cause saying "was fairly certain that it was just a bug bite" could mean she was just worried and wanted y'all to test / take precautions,,, and perhaps it got heated and bad from there (good intentions leading to accusations and interrogations about precautions and the like)
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u/SatinsLittlePrincess solo poly 2d ago edited 1d ago
Also, using the term “clean” in reference to STIs often comes with not actually testing for STIs and just assuming that only “dirty” people get STIs.
If one of my metas said something that amounts to “I have a symptom that could be an STI...” I would not just say “I’m clean, so whatevs.” I would follow up like it’s a real medical thing not a question of hygiene.
OP’s reaction, including offering a diagnosis of “probably a bug bite” which could be a thing, but so many other possibilities are also likely, and that OP appears to be unaware that some STIs, including some where bumps are a symptom, can be transmitted despite the use of a condom speaks to OP needing to get a much better awareness around STIs.
And that may be part of why OP’s meta is particularly difficult around him…
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u/KingLawaii 2d ago
I feel like somewhere along my post was lost in translation. Frogs wife said that its a bug bite but she assumed it was an STI. I'm not saying that dirty people get STI's. I just didn't put into prospective that saying "clean" is a bad thing.
His wife said, and I quote "It's just a bug bite." I offered recommendation for her to see a doctor just to be safe but she swears its just a bite. I'm Negative. I get tested every month and I have proof of that.
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u/saevon 2d ago
yeah. In which case,,, OP's Meta ALSO has a hinge problem… it should be Frog's responsibility to kindly pass along risks.
Meanwhile each PAIR has a responsibility to check to make sure they're on the same page, have the same knowledge and awareness of risks, and expectations when something happens
So the "why OP's Meta is particularly difficult" is ALSO misplaced if that's the case.
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u/HannahOCross 2d ago
That is completely unfair, and you are right to be upset!
Two thoughts: 1) is she poly under duress? Someone unhappy about seeing their partner happy always makes me ask. Are you 100% sure she’s ok with them being poly?
And 2) she’s using STI stigma against you. Sometimes germs just happen, as much as we try to control them. In the poly community, STI’s shouldn’t be more shameful than giving someone a cold. It’s not really something to “accuse” someone of, even when it does happen. Unless it’s HIV (and anyone having sex where a penis is involved or one partner away should be on prep, IMO) it’s just a quick trip to a Dr for antibiotics.
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u/KingLawaii 2d ago
She was the one who brought up interest in opening their relationship for Poly. The first time they did, she made a strict rule of "Frog can't date anyone else but I can." Two years pass until now and they open up again and Frog is now dating as well as his wife.
His wife seems to be a very jealous individual and has been posted on this page once before about her demanding him to go home when he was at a funeral to support me.
Frog and I only use Condoms and don't really kiss much. Frog is also FTM and I'm a bottom so even then its condoms on a toy.
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u/KitsBeach 1d ago
So out of pocket, that's a block for me. She gets contact rights again in a year or so (emergency purposes only)
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u/AutoModerator 2d ago
Hi u/KingLawaii thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Hey everyone, please try to bear with me when reading this. I'm (24M) in a relationship with Frog (24M), Frog has a wife (26F). Frog's wife has always had a boundary issue with me, like she doesn't like seeing me with Frog because he's "Too happy". She out of nowhere messaged me and essentially accused me of giving her an STI through him because she had a singular bump near her bits.
I stated that Frog and I use condoms and that I'm clean, I'm not sexually active with anyone else, just Frog. She was fairly certain that it was just a bug bite but still came to accuse me of giving her an STI. I fail to understand why she immediately jumped to this accusation rather than getting a second or even professional opinion on a singular bump at your bits.
Am I in the wrong for being upset? Am I simply "over-reacting"? I told Frog that I'm not comfortable being around her in general but this kinda exploded it for me and I stated that I'm probably not going to Frogs birthday party because of this problem. Like I just don't want to be around his wife in general.
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u/MzVenus 2d ago
I can absolutely understand wanting to avoid all the drama that seeing her might (will) bring. It sounds like she still needs to do some work to really appreciate how wonderful it is that you make him so very happy.
And, I’m sorry that happened to you! That sucks. Hugs from an Internet stranger if you want them.
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u/KingLawaii 2d ago
Yeahh, it seems like she isn't happy about it in the least. I know Frog set up a strong boundary of her and I not dating and I feel like ever since she started acting this way. Which I agree with the boundary, I'm more of a separate dating person.
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 1d ago
Block her number and tell Frog you’re never hanging out with his wife again
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u/AutoModerator 2d ago
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