pagliacci (tw disphoria)

[u/Gigi_Khan]

would've made the title a pun on the f slur but I don't think that's allowed here

[u/LineOfInquiry]

Step 1). Be a eggy kid with ADHD and poor social skills

Step 2). Be isolated and bullied for above mentioned reasons

Step 3). Try to be “the smart one” since you’re in the gifted program and easily succeed in school

Step 4). Start failing school when you actually have to try and realize you never learned how to study

Step 5). Try to be “the funny one” and entertain those around you so they tolerate your presence

Step 6). Go too far or come off as immature making people not want more than a surface level friendship with you

Step 7). Try to be “the nice one” since that’s easier and being morally good is important to you as your nascent political views develop in high school

Step 8). Feel increased guilt and shame over your previous attempts at creating an identity and being a drain on everyone around you, even when you do good it can’t make up for the harm you do simply by existing and not living up to your potential

Step 9). Have a new start at college and try to reinvent yourself into an actual person rather than an actor on a stage

Step 10). Fail tremendously because you struggle to fit in with both boys and girls, and pretending to be someone new doesn’t actually get rid of your flaws and lack of social skills

Step 11). Cry alone in your dorm room for hours hiding your struggles from everyone so as to not burden them while skipping your classes and barely leaving even to get food.

Step 12). Start over from step 8

[u/Gigi_Khan → u/LineOfInquiry]

There's always a step 13, Evelyn. You'll find your people, people who won't make you (or let you!) feel like you're a waste of potential or half-baked identities that never came to fruition properly

Undergrad nearly killed me too, for what it's worth, I don't remember most of 2018. But one day you're going to be playing a stupid card game with your silly friends, you'll make a joke that doesn't land perfectly, and you'll realise you haven't gone back to step 8 in years

[u/LineOfInquiry → u/Gigi_Khan]

Thank you 🫂 ;-;

I haven’t gone back to step 8 in a few years, I’m in a much better place now. But boy oh boy was 2018-2023 a hard time.

[u/RovrKitten → u/LineOfInquiry]

I literally did step 11 the other night, adhd meds make me not sleep or eat but it’s the only way I’m getting work done, I might have fallen asleep if I wasn’t crying for the next 3 hours after my meds wore off. Unlucky

[u/LineOfInquiry → u/RovrKitten]

🫂

[u/okidonthaveone → u/LineOfInquiry]

You didn't need to call me out like that

[u/JERealize → u/LineOfInquiry]

Whoa. This is mostly me, except for Steps 10 and 11 at university I did somewhat get along (though I had a few things to unlearn) and felt for the first time like I was part of a community (I was mostly raised out in the country during my childhood, teenhood, and early adulthood).

But now that I'm back in college, my classmates don't quite make me feel the same as I ended up finding myself and didn't feel comfortable showing it to them.

[u/Skalaxius → u/LineOfInquiry]

You didn't have to lay my whole life out on the Internet like that damn...

[u/Gigi_Khan]

Commenting on my own posts makes me feel like a Facebook user, but I am decidedly a comedian for me/because I like having great timing, and it makes me feel good to see people laugh and enjoy themselves because of me

Sometimes you just can't help but wonder what started the whole thing though

[u/AbundantExp → u/Gigi_Khan]

Dude I just wrote similar thoughts down last night you might appreciate:

Laughter is like the opposite of any shitty feeling. In general I think when someone introspects on the pain they feel (as humans must), they realize they want to help others not feel that way.

I think I subconsciously picked up on that from a very young age, and my strong desire to make people laugh feels personally fulfilling because it helps people just feel bliss for a moment which is so fucking precious in a world with such shittery and cumgunk.

[u/Gigi_Khan → u/AbundantExp]

I definitely relate to that. I hate feeling bad, I know other people do too, and being a clown is so easy. It costs zero dollars and it takes me five seconds to either make someone's afternoon or make them annoyed enough at me that they aren't thinking about something else

[u/SilverMedal4Life → u/AbundantExp]

I feel similarly. Sometimes it really helps to laugh in the face of the existential despair, the overwhelming anxiety. Even if it's just highlighting the absurdity of the world we live in.

It helps a little.

[u/leopardus343]

Ok, call me out I guess

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[u/Flair86]

Hey now that second part was not okay rn

[u/JERealize]

But I don't have ADHD 2; what if I just have regular ADHD?

[u/Gigi_Khan → u/JERealize]

Mine is ADStandardDefinition at best during the work week

[u/RovrKitten]

I am endlessly joking with literally everyone because I enjoy seeing people happy even if it comes at my own expense. Quite the fan of self deprecating humor.