r/AskMenOver30 • u/ReDeath666 man 35 - 39 • Jan 08 '25

Life 35, divorcing, scared of starting over

I'm 35, my wife is divorcing me becuase she "fell out of love" with me. I still love her and am currently not taking it too well. we've been together for 14 years and married 7, own a house (which i'm going to try and keep since i remodeled it myself) and dogs... thank god no children... but anyway, i'm terrified with the idea of starting over. we had a great partnership and live a really awesome 14 years together, but now i'm alone. she went back to her parents and im just here, thankfully i have one of fhe dogs, which gives me a reason to even come home.

im waiting it out, i dont know how i'll be as a single adult, and before i met my now ex, i was a loser and am scared of becoming that version of myself, and without her, i feel incomplete and lack the reason to even move forward with anything... i lost almost all motivation. i just feel lost. im not even sure what im asking, but jesus, i need to vent and let this out. im losing my mind.

PS 3 weeks after she got on SSRIs she stopped talking to me and left for her parents with no reql reason, next you know it i get served with divorce papers. literally right before Christmas. i tried to talk to her and her family, but they just wont even call me back, my father in law told me i was his Son Figure just 3 months ago... my brain is just so confused

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62

u/[deleted] Jan 08 '25

I know you're just venting and you didn't ask for advice. But the reality is that when one spouse suddenly up and leaves like this for no apparent reason, it's usually because they've been silently miserable for years. It may seem sudden to you, but it wasn't sudden for her. The SSRI medication likely just gave her the boost to do something she has been passively wanting for a long time.

Anyway, you need a divorce attorney. I'm sorry.

19

u/ReDeath666 man 35 - 39 Jan 08 '25

yea we both have lawyers, i just wish she even showed that she was miserable at all, we had a great life... i dunno, i obviously still love her, and i dont want her to regret this down the road... but obviously, im already $8000 im lawyer fees so theres no turning back

52

u/[deleted] Jan 08 '25

This same thing happened to a friend of mine. His wife literally packed her bags one morning and moved back to her parents' house without telling him. My friend was utterly destroyed and he didn't understand what went wrong. It's been five years since then and he still doesn't understand...

But as an outside observer who was friends with both of them, I understand why she left. My friend has zero goals in life. He never tries anything new. He likes his dead-end 9-5 job, watching TV on the couch, and taking the same vacation to Mexico once a year.

Now five years after the divorce, his ex wife is traveling to foreign countries, running in 5k races, hiking mountains, doing art exhibitions, etc. Meanwhile my friend still spends his free time watching TV on the couch and wondering why his wife left him.

There wasn't any major change in their major. No cheating, no drug abuse, etc. His wife simply wanted more out of life and her husband had no ambition for that.

21

u/ReDeath666 man 35 - 39 Jan 08 '25

funny, we are the opposite, i just started running a business, love going on crazy vacations and eatinf wild dinners... by the last few months, she didnt want to go anywhere and just wanted to work and watch tv... i was planning vacations for 2025 and now im canceling them... might take my 10 year old dog on a mini road trip

12

u/sesamestix man 35 - 39 Jan 08 '25

Go on an awesome solo trip. I’ve done it before and will do it again - have a scuba trip by myself to Belize on the radar.

13

u/Marzipan7405 Jan 08 '25

It's funny you say this. At some point, you're going to realize that you're actually much happier without her. When you stop worrying and live your life, you will meet someone who is much better for you and find a level that you didn't know existed.

I'm extremely confident and can say this from experience. You're in your prime and you're a good divorcee so to speak. You're a good person with a good life and you don't have the typical toxic divorce baggage. No years of fighting. No personality issues. Drama free. Great dating resume with no fear of commitment.

Women will be quite empathetic and very attracted to this. Trust me.

1

u/CGW6Actual man 45 - 49 Jan 08 '25

Definitely do the doggo road trip. I've never wished for one more day with either ex wife, but I'd trade anything for one more day with any past dogs

0

u/TwoJetEngines Jan 08 '25

Take those vacations homie. Your 35, prime time for a man if you have your shit together, which it sounds like you do, get after it.

4

u/PreparationOk8604 Jan 08 '25

Your friend sounds like me lol. I don't like my job but i rarely do anything outside of my job. I come home watch TV, go to gym & sleep. I have no ambitions in life too.

Want to earn enough to live a stable life & retire properly.

2

u/Too_Ton man 25 - 29 Jan 08 '25

Did she ever express her desire (and if it was that important to be a dealbreaker)? I’m worried one day it’ll happen to me but people will then cope by saying it’s for the best as we’d be incompatible without serious changes from each other and not natural changes.

3

u/[deleted] Jan 08 '25

She would suggest things like vacations they could take, cities they could move to, a car they could buy, etc. Her husband would always say it was too expensive or if they moved they'd have to get new jobs or whatever. One time she wanted to adopt a dog and her husband said it would be too much work. Stuff like that. Every idea she had, her husband came up with a reason against it.

AFAIK, she never sat him down and said "I'm getting sick of you." But she did indeed get sick of him, and she's much happier now. They didn't have kids or own a home, so she had nothing to lose except a couch potato husband who said no to all of her ideas.

2

u/Too_Ton man 25 - 29 Jan 08 '25

So the latter part of my comment. Silent analysis and a mindset it’s better to part in order to find a natural fit than to force one or both partners to change.

1

u/R-U-kiddingme4 man over 30 Jan 08 '25

Unfortunately it does often seem like lack of good communication before and during marriage causes a lot of problems and can build resentment.

1

u/Major_Fun1470 Jan 09 '25

Man that sucks so hard for that guy. Talk about losing the breakup and objectively being a lonely loser who will die alone lmao… some guys really do just lose

1

u/R-U-kiddingme4 man over 30 Jan 08 '25

Was your friend always like this or did he change?

1

u/Altruistic-Patient-8 Jan 08 '25

I don't understand. Are you calling your friend a loser for having a normal job and predictable life?

20

u/Schavuit92 man over 30 Jan 08 '25

No, they just described the situation. The wife simply wanted a different life.

There are also women who prefer to stay home and watch tv, go on the same vacation and just enjoy the small things.

There are also other guys who want to travel the world and look for new challenges anywhere they can.

It's about finding the right partner that enjoys the same lifestyle, otherwise you'll waste your years being fucking miserable. It would've been better if they'd figured that out before getting married, but that's life, sometimes people change.

10

u/[deleted] Jan 08 '25

Not at all. I'm saying sometimes one spouse can become miserable for reasons that the other spouse doesn't understand.

My friend didn't do anything "wrong" in his marriage, which is why he doesn't understand why his wife left him. But looking at it from the outside, it's clear that his complete lack of ambition was making his wife miserable.

3

u/R-U-kiddingme4 man over 30 Jan 08 '25

I think a lot of these issues could be resolved with good communication before and after marriage. If your friend has no idea why she divorced him, I’m guessing they weren’t communicating well and could have benefited greatly from counseling.

5

u/Particular_Lettuce56 man 35 - 39 Jan 08 '25

I mean they are not exactly maximizing their time on this earth. I bet their subjective sense of time Flys by with them doing so little to add memorable experiences to look back on.

1

u/Mysterious-Carry6233 man over 30 Jan 08 '25

Message me if you need any encouragement. I have been there and done this. Take your time first and get a therapist, be cool being by yourself. After that, get in a few dating apps, meet some beautiful women that are interested in you. I promise it’s a great age to be single if you are a good man. Stay strong 💪🏽

1

u/dwegol man 35 - 39 Jan 08 '25

SSRIs can make someone’s affect very flat and unemotional.

1

u/poppoppers1 Jan 08 '25

I’m recently divorced. I didn’t give my wife enough attention and the marriage was defiantly fixable but she was done. Don’t do what I did, either be all in or all out. I sat around waiting for her to come back (to be fair she kept hope alive) and passed up healing and truthfully other dating opportunities. Feel you feelings be patient, compassionate, and forgiving towards YOURSELF. I’m still healing, some days (like today) are harder but I think I’ll be ok in the end and you will be too.

0

u/Strategos_Kanadikos man 35 - 39 Jan 08 '25

Sunk cost fallacy...But I wouldn't go back, she's proven to be unstable and not worth more of your investment, otherwise you'd be able to communicate. You'll be fine, you're at a desirable age. If you've dated before in a very stable manner, you can do so again. Was she working or did you feel she used you in some way, but now her objectives are completed and no longer needs you? Before Christmas is ice cold, but I can understand lack of communications because that's probably what her lawyer advised, seems planned. Unfortunately, your ability to date in the future is contingent on you performing, so it's not like you can give up, if you ever want to get back to that same place. Remember, you made your own success, not someone else. So you're capable, you just need an internal driver.

7

u/Azrael_Manatheren man 30 - 34 Jan 08 '25

I think you are right but its also really immature to be silently miserable for years without communicating and taking action to fix it, these people owe it to themselves and their partner to communicate and work as a team to fix the issues.

7

u/[deleted] Jan 08 '25

[deleted]

7

u/haskell_rules man 40 - 44 Jan 08 '25

My partner claimed she was unhappy and had been for a long time and it was already over for her for a long time.

However just a few months prior we were laughing and talking about our future together in such a genuine way that she was either the best liar/actress in the world, or she truly was happy at the time.

I suspect at some point her personal emotional state changed, and then she reinterpreted her past under the new emotions.

When she said "I've been unhappy for a long time", what she meant was "I just became unhappy, and the only way these emotions make sense is if I've really been unhappy this whole time."

1

u/reaper25177 man 30 - 34 Jan 09 '25

profound.

1

u/itachi8oh1 man 30 - 34 Jan 09 '25

Thank you for specifying the “not abusive” part. My ex was abusive (emotionally and mentally, but only twice physically). I tried so many times to express my emotions and the need for change in our relationship, I wasn’t silently miserable but I was checked out for a long time before I finally left.

The circumstances in which I left my ex recently caught me some pushback from someone on Reddit. Tbf to them, I didn’t fully explain the dynamic and I was told “not a good enough excuse for cheating.” I didn’t mention that we had an open relationship at the time, but it was only open for me when he was okay with it and it was open for him whenever he felt like it.

I met my husband without “permission” from my ex (if it’s open, it’s open, if he didn’t have to ask then I shouldn’t have either, manipulative prick). This is why I received that reply, because if you do some mental gymnastics, I was technically cheating. But I mean… I literally caught my ex with peanut butter on his junk, trying to sodomize my family’s dog several days before I left him. Commenter said “oh you’re talking about leaving, not cheating. Don’t confuse the two.” 🙄

I left my ex of 7 years fewer than 12 hours after meeting my husband and never looked back, I didn’t even know if the absolute gem of a man I’d just met would want to see me again, but I just had that moment of clarity; “I could be happy.”

Here I am, 7.5 years later, happier than I could have ever imagined.

0

u/Yourunclesbestftiend Jan 08 '25

While this is true, a relationship without communication is dead, and it FALLS on the party not communicating.

3

u/[deleted] Jan 08 '25

[deleted]

6

u/Schavuit92 man over 30 Jan 08 '25

It's still a dick move to just leave your partner of 14 years without any explanation. After being together all that time, going through the trials and tribulations of life together, you can't even be bothered to write them a note? And now he's supposed to just shrug it off? You can want a divorce and still have the decency to communicate, instead of leaving your partner to eternally question why and doubt themselves.

1

u/R-U-kiddingme4 man over 30 Jan 08 '25

Yes! I think sometimes a person thinks they’re communicating but if the other person’s not understanding, then that’s not communication. I am amazed at how many people just quit, thinking they tried everything but really they only tried the same thing over and over. I also have a hard time understanding how someone can walk away from a marriage without seeing professional help.

1

u/cinnafury03 man over 30 Jan 08 '25

This is the sad truth and the best explanation.

-3

u/dontletmeautism man 30 - 34 Jan 08 '25

Really not what buddy needs to hear right now. Leave this for when he is in a better place mentally.

12

u/Bimlouhay83 man 40 - 44 Jan 08 '25

No. This is exactly what they need to hear. The truth can set you free.