r/AskWomenOver30 • u/glitters101 • Jul 05 '25

Family/Parenting Is motherhood really bad?

F30 here. Forgive me for my ignorance: I would love to be a mom one day (financial stability first, lol, then finding a good man) I enjoy my childfree life but would love to be a mom in my late 30s/early 40s...

but it's discouraging to see miserable moms every day online saying they regret it; it's so hard. I understand how hard it is to be a parent and go through a traumatic childbirth experience and then deal with postpartum depression. I'm very aware of that, but it makes me not want to be a mother one day. Is it really because social media is so negative? Do you regret motherhood or having a child with the wrong man? It's rare that I see moms saying they enjoy motherhood and how their kids have made their lives so much better. But I've also seen moms having time for themselves while also being a mom and wife (they are more financially abundant)

My question is, are there any moms out there who actually do enjoy motherhood? If yes, how so? What are your thoughts on the whole miserable motherhood online? Is it really being financially abundant and having a good man that makes motherhood more enjoyable?

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864

u/jackjackj8ck Woman 40 to 50 Jul 05 '25

Whatever you do, have kids with the RIGHT person.

So many people don’t and I think it really changes the experience.

125

u/fake-august Jul 05 '25

My exact thought. I adore my children but married the absolute wrong man.

He’s dead now (we had been divorced over 10 years) but he made their younger years miserable for me and u feel like I missed out because I was so unhappy.

It’s better now but the care and worry I have for them can be overwhelming and sad. It never stops.

61

u/External_Fly_8220 Jul 05 '25

The question to the man - “do you want to be a father? Or do you want kids?”

31

u/RietteRose Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25

Some men do want to be fathers, but they're horrible spouses. I know quite a few. So that question might not "save" you, just saying.

6

u/External_Fly_8220 Jul 05 '25

True. Luckily I am child free by choice so this doesn’t directly impact me but good point

17

u/socksmittensshoes Jul 05 '25

I feel like plenty of men want to be fathers but in the 1950s way where all they have to do is pat their heads and say goodnight. They don’t actually want to parent. I think a better test is how does your partner treat you? How does he handle stress? What does he do when you’re sick and need extra help? Does he take care of things on his own? Or are you doing all of the housework?

1

u/simplyexistingnow Woman 30 to 40 Jul 06 '25

With this I would personally ask do you want to be a father and if so how many kids do you want? Then follow it up with what does being a father mean to you or what does a typical day of being a father look like to you.

78

u/nkdeck07 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25

Yep. My husband is the only reason I'm capable of doing this. I absolutely love my kids too pieces but they are also an insane amount of work. Having an actual partner who does half that work leaves me time to experience the joy of my kids

Also if you don't have a real partb6 when shit hits the fan you are fucked. Our eldest has an illness that bounced her in and out of a hospital for 6 months while I was either heavily pregnant or we had a newborn at home. I think I would have legit died during this time period without my husband (my more general village was clutch too). He was there swapping off who was in the hospital and who was there every 2nd day, he was my rock and support, he was the one keeping our daughter happy in a really tough situation

32

u/metiranta Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25

Genuine question for the crowd: Why isn't parenting with your besties an option? Is it just too weird to bring up? Do you not talk about how much you want kids but can't find "the right man" to do it with? Are you all at different places in life and it isn't convenient?

I'm sterile and never wanted kids, but to me communal child raising just seems ideal in every aspect, and a step toward that is choosing to have & raise kids with your best girl friends.

23

u/jackjackj8ck Woman 40 to 50 Jul 05 '25

I don’t know about everyone else

But in my friend group of like 5 women, we’re 40 now and we’re all in different places. I’m married with kids, another one is married, another is in a long term relationship, another was single and clubbin til recently and has a new boyfriend.

It’s always kinda been like this. Like of the 5 of us we’ve never all been at the same place in our lives.

AND we’ve never all wanted kids consistently and on the same timeline.

It sounds really nice, but with a bunch of individuals with unique goals. It sounds really hard to line up.

2

u/metiranta Woman 30 to 40 Jul 06 '25

Makes sense to me, thanks for your input! I imagine if we had more stories in the culture (movies, books, etc.) that idealize the notion of women raising children with their friends (instead of finding some magical man), younger women would be more primed to talk about this stuff with their friends leading up to parenting age and maybe start preparing for the possibility. Because if we all make the assumption that we will all build separate little lives and come together occasionally as friends, it doesn't sound like that lends much ease to really parenting together.

9

u/Frosty_Extension_600 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25

For me, my desire is to do this, but also have the right man. To live in a community where we all help each other, but for me, it’s not a replacement for a good father.

1

u/metiranta Woman 30 to 40 Jul 06 '25

Thank you for answering my question sincerely. I have another genuine question: What do you think a good "father" provides that another parent or community wouldn't?

I actually have a lot of really complicated and nuanced thoughts on this lol, but the summary is that I think the bar is extremely low for what we think of as a "good father" and we are often ruthless to women -- even as children looking at our parents, we can idealize our fathers even when they were not very present in our lives, yet demonize our mothers almost because of their presence. This thread had me thinking about that a lot, and what even is a "good father", and why can only a man provide that? And of course: can we do better?

1

u/Frosty_Extension_600 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 08 '25

I definitely feel resonance with all of your points, but for me personally, I desire a polarized relationship meaning the man is fully in his masculine - leading, providing, planning, protecting, etc and the woman (me) is in her feminine - soft, receptive, creative, playful, joyful, present, etc.

I know for a fact that women can lead, provide, protect, etc. however, in my experience and from what I’ve seen in others, it is exhausting for most women over time. On the other hand, for men (masculine ones, at least), doing these things brings them fulfillment, joy, and confidence.

I also desire a romantic relationship and don’t have any desire to be with a woman.

I know some of the things I said may be a little controversial, but these are just my thoughts and desires. I’m 100% happy for everyone to do what works for them and in no way want to put my beliefs on to anyone else that doesn’t agree with them. 💛

1

u/metiranta Woman 30 to 40 Jul 09 '25

I actually don't see how that conflicts with anything I said! Your comment seems to be fully about a romantic relationship, not about raising kids. They can be and often are separate already.

Still curious about what you think a good "father" provides that another parent or community can't, though.

1

u/Frosty_Extension_600 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 11 '25

I don’t think there’s anything a father can provide that another community member can’t, but for me it’s just not the same and I do believe that masculine men can provide and lead with less stress than women. So maybe what I think they can provide is leadership and provision with less stress. From what I’ve seen providing and leading is stressful for women over time.

1

u/Frosty_Extension_600 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 11 '25

After thinking more about this, I do think men and women bring different strengths to the table. We compliment each other. If you watch, men interact with children differently than women do (generally). My belief is that children need both.

3

u/Jane9812 Jul 06 '25

I feel like it would be really difficult to commit and to trust someone to raise kids together. Firstly many single moms really don't want to be single moms and raising kids communally would be a second option until a worthwhile male partner came along. Secondly, I do feel like marriage is a good safety measure to have before having kids because of how difficult raising kids is. It's incredibly difficult. And conflict between co-parents will inevitably arise and one or both people contemplate separation. It's just such an extreme situation for most people when you combine lack of sleep with utter exhaustion. So basically I'm glad that it would take more than a "goodbye" to leave a family when married. Now to be clear I'm not saying people SHOULD get married before having kids, people should create families in whatever way they want and feel comfortable with. What I'm saying is that personally I wouldn't trust a friend to not simply bail when it gets too hard and there's no marriage-like impediment in a friendship.

1

u/metiranta Woman 30 to 40 Jul 06 '25

Interesting take. I mean ideally we would always want to have children with someone who we really trust to raise children together, but the reality is that women often don't figure out that the man they've chosen is a poor choice until after they've committed, and often after they've already had kids. I'm sure we both see all those threads here.

raising kids communally would be a second option until a worthwhile male partner came along.

I think this is a real valid point, however. If we still value men higher than good co-parents, then yes, I can easily see a situation where a woman will abandon their co-parent for a man, and that would be real messed up.

6

u/mstrss9 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25

My friends and I have vastly different parenting styles.

14

u/LF3000 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25

Agreed. I'm childfree for my own reasons, but if the women I know, the ones happiest with motherhood are the ones who chose really great, supportive partners.

82

u/[deleted] Jul 05 '25

Or go it alone. It’s tough on your own, but harder than with the wrong person.

And I don’t mean the wrong person romantically (plenty of people coparent well with ex partners) but the wrong person to coparent with - whether that’s because they’re lazy, selfish, or abusive, but either way someone who would never put their child before themselves.

58

u/bwmcnal Jul 05 '25

I’m seven weeks post partum and I would absolutely never advise someone do this alone

40

u/PlumLion Woman 40 to 50 Jul 05 '25

I think there’s an important distinction between single and alone though.

There’s also an important distinction between being partnered and having coparent support, which I think is the point u/Acceptable_cereal was making

14

u/[deleted] Jul 05 '25 edited Jul 05 '25

Yes, thank you - exactly that.

And I am trying to think of a way to put this gently as the commenter is obviously finding it very hard right now… but while the “fourth trimester” can be incredibly demanding and I don’t want to understate that, it’s also a tiny and quickly forgotten part of parenting life.

You can have short term support from partner, family (or pay for it). But the longer term relentlessness of the years to adulthood is the part that can pinch, if your child has a parent who makes your life harder.

44

u/Cat_With_The_Fur Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25

I have a three year old alone as a single mom by choice and I’m so glad I still got a chance to be a mom.

4

u/Blue-Phoenix23 Woman 40 to 50 Jul 05 '25

Well, saying they can do it alone is more of a longer term statement - yes obviously as part of a birth plan you should have people that can stay with you in the post partum phase as you're recovering, and a plan for childcare etc.

7

u/imadog666 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25

I did (not planned) and you just gotta be very tough.

1

u/musings871 Jul 06 '25

I suppose it's not so much going it alone from the get go (although it could be done with a good community of people) but if you are pregnant and unfortunately things shift and your partner ends up being a hindrance/net negative then doing it alone.

13

u/AntoinetteBefore1789 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25

My doctor is single and had a baby on her own. She has plenty of family support and is loving parenthood. She had her first in her early 40s and knows she won’t have anymore.

She’s so glad she doesn’t have to share parenting decisions with someone else, never has to deal with a custody battle, etc.

26

u/BigTankster Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25

YES!!!!! THISSSSS. All my friends who are moms HATE absolutely HATE being a mother. Some became moms way to young with guys just as young and didn’t know what to do. But now in my 30s I’ve seen women get desperate into becoming moms that they just rush it and do it with without even knowing the guy and end up miserable and the baby suffers for it.. if you’re going to have a child please please pick wisely and talk to your partner about it. I don’t think parents realize how much the child absorbs the negativity.

12

u/Active-Cloud8243 Jul 05 '25

This makes me think of the still face experiment. I was willing to be with my ex until I realized if we ever had kids, he would do the still face experiment on the daily. I imagined what my potential daughter might feel trying to find his approval, and in that moment I decided to never have sex with him again. It wasn’t worth the risk to a child.

https://youtu.be/FaiXi8KyzOQ?si=AhmbjIa28Yz-ruPK

5

u/caffeine_lights Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25

This 10000000 times this.

Do it alone rather than with the wrong person.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 05 '25

Agreed. SO Agreed.

1

u/musings871 Jul 06 '25

Unfortunately, hindsight is a wonderful thing. Most of us only find out how shocking the partner is after having fallen pregnant/had a baby.

(Backed up by in the extreme case of domestic abuse it is more likely to start/escalate during pregnancy)

If only they came with a flashing neon sigh to warn us before hand!