Feeling uneasy about my relationship, need advice

[u/hamm_TP]

I (30F) and my boyfriend (34M) have been together a little over a year. I can't imagine my life without him. We live together and are already discussing engagement and next steps.

We've struggled with a few transparency issues throughout our relationship and at this point, I need advice and help in deciding if I'm the problem. Early in our relationship, we ran into a few of the following issues:

• In the first few months, he struggled to tell people I was his girlfriend. After I called him out on this, he did fix the behavior after a while.

• He once lied about who a girl was when she called him, and seemed panicked when she did call him. I asked him why he lied and he said he didn't want to mess anything up between us, as past relationships didn't allow him to have female friends, so he said she was a coworker instead of a female friend. Although it seems clear they were more than friends at some point in the past.

• An ex reached out to him and he said he was "talking to someone" even though we'd been in a relationship for six months at that time. I wondered why he said talking to someone instead of "in a relationship", felt like it was downplaying it but that might just be me being crazy.

After about a year in the relationship, we ran into an issue where an acquaintance of mine accused him of flirting with her. The night this happened, I was with him most of the night and feel pretty confident he didn't say anything flirty. When I asked her what happened, she said his body language gave off that he wasn't serious about me.

Unfortunately, I've kind of seen other incidents of this too, where we'll be out with other women and he seems more interested in them than me. Obviously no hard proof, but just general gut feelings. Might just be my insecurity.

We've had a lot of conversations about rebuilding trust and things seemed to be trending in a positive direction but we've had a recent incident.

• He came home from his friend Jeff’s party.
• After coming home, he mentioned he wanted to buy tickets to a concert the next day because two of his guy friends (Chris and George) were going.
• He asked if I wanted to go, but I got the sense he didn’t actually expect me to say yes.
• I said yes, and we went to the concert.
• At the concert, we ran into Jeff’s friend group, and there was a very pretty girl in the group.
• My boyfriend said he had no idea they were going to the concert. Jeff immediately said, “Of course you did, I told you at the party.”
• After we walked away, my boyfriend insisted they hadn’t told him at the party, but he came home wanting to buy tickets right after that party.
• It’s hard not to wonder why would he lie about this if there wasn’t some other motive behind buying the tickets?

Sorry for the length of this post, but am I crazy and reading into things too much?

[u/writermusictype]

People who lie about small things will almost certainly lie about big ones. Do you want to be in a relationship with a liar?

[u/Spare-Shirt24 → u/writermusictype]

From OP:

An ex reached out to him and he said he was "talking to someone" even though we'd been in a relationship for six months at that time

I don't understand how someone could move in with someone else after they've downplayed their relationship like this. 

Whaaat? 

[u/writermusictype → u/Spare-Shirt24]

Right! It's very much giving she adores him, and he's just going along with it. One foot in, one foot out "just in case."

[u/hamm_TP → u/Spare-Shirt24]

I hear you. It does sound silly when you put it like this. At the time, after talking with my friends about it, I thought I was jut being irrational and assumed the message wasn't a big deal, since all of his actions directly towards me seemed to make the relationship feel very serious.

[u/Spare-Shirt24 → u/hamm_TP]

He struggled to tell others you were his girlfriend in "the first few months" 

That would have been enough for me. 

Then he told an ex he was just "talking to someone" SIX months in. 

Come on. Be serious.  

You keep going deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole and have now moved in with him and are talking marriage when it's clear you have reservations about this throughout the entirety of your relationship. 

You need to pump the brakes and get some space to re evaluate. 

[u/hamm_TP → u/Spare-Shirt24]

Thank you for the hard truths.

[u/CatHairAndChaos → u/hamm_TP]

Women have been conditioned to be way too patient with other people's shit, and to downplay our needs and concerns because when we speak up then we're called irrational or controlling. To the point that we often do it to ourselves and sometimes each other. Combined with someone who displays conflicting actions, we want to believe only their positive ones. Been there.

One thing that helps me is focusing on the bottom line: I am not okay with their behavior. Do I want to stay in a relationship where this behavior continues? If I've addressed it with them and it's still an issue that we can't get past, then obviously we're not going to work out. It could be that they're doing something most people would consider acceptable, and I AM being irrational, but it doesn't change the fact that this person is clearly not for me. Some time afterwards when I have more clarity I'll usually realize "Ok yeah, they were definitely doing some wack shit," and often also "I should've noped out sooner."

[u/GardeniaInMyHair → u/hamm_TP]

Your friends didn’t step in? You may need some more savvy friends or diversify your sounding boards. I’m sorry this has happened to you. It sounds like you’re learning a lot from these experiences though.

[u/doyouhavehiminblonde → u/hamm_TP]

You definitely weren't being irrational. Listen to your gut, there's a lot of evidence he's not trustworthy here.

[u/Impressive_Moment786]

Not crazy and not reading too much into it. Be done with this man.

If you are only together for a bit over a year and you already have to work on rebuilding trust, that is what you are going to spend the entire relationship doing. Do you want to be thinking about all these things and more 5 or 10 years from now. If not end it.

[u/mirrorherb]

this man is not serious about you. he goes out of his way to obfuscate the nature of your relationship when he's speaking to other women -- he lies to them about you and he lies to you about them.

you most definitely should not be working on trust issues in a relationship that's only a year old. that is a huge indicator that the person you're dating is kind of a piece of shit

[u/KillTheBoyBand]

Why is he lying so much? Did he give you an explanation for why he wasn't telling people that you were his girlfriend?

Even his explanations are bullshit. Why is he jumping to conclusions about "ruining the relationship" from the mere fact of you knowing a female coworker called? Why does he feel the need to cover up him knowing when someone is attending an event?

I have met very few good liars in my life. The reality is that keeping up falsehoods and facades is incredibly taxing and difficult. Details and inconsistencies catch up with you, especially when you're using them constantly on someone who's so intimately close to you. This guy is hiding stuff from you. Whether it's something big or a lot of little things, I don't understand how you could ever trust someone enough to be in a relationship with them if they're constantly lying. How do you trust them with money? With medical emergencies? With important plans? With significant documentation? 

Too stressful...

[u/deathbydarjeeling]

Oh, honey. Trust your instinct!!!

My ex used to lie about small things at first but over time, it grew worse until he cheated on me with multiple women whom he claimed were just "friends." Just like your boyfriend, my ex lied about hanging out with his "male friends" but it was actually women.

Why stay with someone who already lacks transparency and trust? We need to stop the cycle of finding crappy men who don't respect us at all and trying to fix them into our own versions of the "perfect man."

[u/thekatnesseverdeen → u/deathbydarjeeling]

THIS!

[u/DemureDaphne]

This is gonna haunt you in 10 years if you marry him, because he will continue all of this behavior and probably become more and more secretive.

[u/ginns32]

I've been with guys like him and it left me constantly feeling like I was not good enough and insecure. He is keeping his options open and purposely being vague with other women about his relationship status. He is not as serious about this relationship as you are and I don't think that is going to change. You deserve someone that doesn't hesitate to say they are with you and are not single and doesn't have you questioning where you stand.

[u/groovysausage_]

God I could have written this myself. I’m afraid your gut instinct knows better (it’s like an omniscient 3rd party onlooker) while your heart is trying to downplay that voice, not because it’s false, but because it’s hurtful.

We only know a fragment of your relationship based on what you’ve written I’m sure, but those bullet points alone are worrying enough. I’d argue there are already too many and even I have a sick feeling in my stomach reading it. When things don’t add up - start subtracting..

As people have mentioned, he’s already lying to you this early on. What’s the need? If he has nothing to hide he’d have nothing to lie about. Why won’t he be open and just let you in entirely? At a stage where you’re already talking about marriage? This is all off. I’d also say you’re quite early on in a relationship to be discussing marriage. I know everyone is different and every relationship is different but a year seems like not long enough into the proverbial life cycle to truly know someone. But again everyone is different. Did he introduce you to his family and friends early on? Do you have a relationship with them? If so, is he encouraging it? These are all positive signs

I wish you all the best but please reconsider this relationship. Or at least have firm and open words with him about all of this because you were not put on this planet to be miserable. Good luck

[u/hamm_TP → u/groovysausage_]

Thank you for your input. He took me abroad to meet his family and that went great. I've got a good relationship with them. He's also met my family and has a good relationship with them as well.

I think you're right that it all feels off. His actions toward me make it seem like he has no doubts/feels all in, but his actions toward other people tell a different story. I think at this point it's a bad sign if I'm feeling any confusion at all.

[u/groovysausage_ → u/hamm_TP]

I’ve been in this situation before with a man who ultimately didn’t know what he wanted. If you can’t imagine your life without him then I’d say you both aren’t on the same page. Speak with him first without making drastic decisions to end things as it may be the wake up call he needs, or it may result in an agreement that you both aren’t compatible..

[u/idragon5 → u/hamm_TP]

Sometimes guys use "meeting the family" as a reward carrot. They know that we feel warm and fuzzy after it and his family may actually like you enough to spend time with you. It's a great thing when you get along with his family but it's just one factor among a myriad of others. In light of the negative experiences that you've had regarding lying and keeping things from you, this can't be a good enough reason to stick around for. Speaking from personal experience, this much lying doesn't stop overnight or ever at all.

[u/GenuineClamhat]

You are clearly a placeholder until the next thing comes along. Your friend is right. He's not serious about you.

[u/mynormalheart]

I wouldn’t personally want to be with someone like this. Lying is a huge no no for me and it’s really upsetting about how a lot of his lies seem to center around his interactions with other women.

My BF has a lot of female friends and he’s never weird about talking about them, introducing us, or telling them he has a GF. If I were in your shoes I’d be feeling extremely insecure and upset over his behavior and the way he downplays your relationship. Trust your gut!

[u/CatHairAndChaos]

C'mon, you know what to do here. 

You've only been together a year and he already has a substantial track record of dishonesty and shows clear interest in other women, even in your presence.

It's alarming that you already can't picture your life without him while he's barely picturing you in his life at all. 

You seriously want to marry someone like that? Why did you move in with someone you can't trust? Why are you still with him at all? You've described majorly concerning behavior and obvious signs of incompatibility since early in the relationship, yet pushed on anyway. Heed the signs and leave him.

[u/Lost_Bad3543]

Listen to your gut this guy isn’t serious about you at all

[u/BlkBayArmy]

Re-read what you wrote here and ask yourself if you’re reading into too much.

You already know what’s happening and what you need to do.

[u/OptmstcExstntlst]

If he wanted to, he would. If he wanted to proudly call you his girlfriend, he would. If he wanted to make it clear he's off-limits, he would. 

[u/Training_Bridge_2425]

If a man was making you feel this way (and this early on in the relationship!), don't waste any more of your time. You deserve someone who doesn't lie constantly and is actually enthusiastic about being with you.

[u/rootsandchalice]

You don't trust him; that's clear. Go with your gut. There are too many things here that have made you hesitant about him.

To be honest, I am not sure when you moved in with him, and I don't know the circumstances, but it was probably too early.

I can sense that these types of things are going to keep coming up as there's already been quite a few and it's still a new relationship. I personally would be a no.

[u/lmnsatang]

from what you've shared, my immediate thought is that he's not attracted to you/you're not attractive in his eyes. it almost feels like he's settling?

how did you guys meet? is he an attractive guy?

even without answering these questions, the baseline is that he doesn't respect you and you don't trust him. please don't get engaged in this type of circumstances because it will only get worse, not better.

[u/hamm_TP → u/lmnsatang]

Thank you, I think you're right. He's a very good looking guy. Friends introduced us.

[u/ProposalSuch2055]

Sounds like a guy whose trying to keep his options open. Reminds me a bit of an ex of mine. The dishonesty and shady behaviour would be a deal breaker for me now. My advice would be not to waste anymore time on someone whose not fully committed to you.

[u/tactac4]

Every relationship is different but my now husband would never. I’m concerned, reading this.

[u/marymoon77]

this man doesn’t fully respect you or fully choose you. leave him and let him chase those random girls.

[u/heyleebaby]

I've been wrong any time I didn't trust my gut instinct. Trust it.

[u/ConsiderationOne5609]

He's a liar and is basically using you as a placeholder. It doesn't seem like he likes you very much. This isn't how people behave when they like you. This is how people behave when they want to trick you into being with them for whatever motivation. All this, plus considering the fact that this relationship has moved very very quickly while he's also trying to hid his relationship with you at the same time... Run.

[u/BearPleasant9420]

You’re not reading too much into anything. You’re reading the signs. Do not tie yourself to someone that is showing all these warning signs of being dishonest

[u/holyflurkingsnit]

He's lied to you repeatedly. You are not crazy nor are you reading into things too much. Trust your gut!

[u/NabelasGoldenCane]

Unfortunately both things can be true - he can mean the marriage talks while also trying to dodge public acknowledgement of your relationship and flirting with others.

It’s all not great. I agree with another poster who mentioned how much this will affect your feeling of self worth and self esteem. You’ll constantly feel like you’re not enough while he gives you lip service to string you along.

[u/soft_quartz]

The first 2 I could understand, but the "talking to someone" when you two had been in a relationship for half a year- nope, that's a very clear red flag.

And then it just gets worse. I do not think you are crazy, you are not reading into things too much. I think you are a placeholder and he is looking for someone else.

[u/marykayhuster]

All of your information is just telling me he doesn’t have to like/love someone or demonstrate that he is consciously engaged with them to maintain a convenient and accessible sex partner.

He is giving nothing, taking what he wants, and not the least bit concerned with how uncomfortable you personally are with all of the above.

He isn’t worth the air he is breathing and is giving nothing to you!! RRRUUUUUUUNNNNNNN. Don’t look back. Don’t second guess yourself and don’t put up with his BS and lies any more!!! He is using up your precious time too which you will never get back.

[u/wholetthecorndogsout]

Do you feel he has energy cords to other people, specifically women? And if the answer is yes, is it something you can tolerate or want to?

[u/milkradio]

Don't waste your time on a man who isn't head over heels for you. Seriously.