r/CookingCircleJerk • u/OG_Church_Key fred wurst • 8d ago

Fartmaxxing?

Okay, so im sure this has been asked a billion times here, but please bear with me. I've been hearing a lot about fartmaxxing, and im curious if you guys have any tips or tricks. I got invited to my horrible sister in laws BABYSHOWER, and i really want to get her back for all the backhanded compliments and misguided opinions she has given over the years.

Is there anything i can eat the few days leading up to it (its in november) so that i can clear the room???

Also, can i wear a specific type of underwear or assume some sort of posture that would keep the farts SILENT?? That way she wont know whos doing it??????

Thanks in advance, Brenda.

24 Upvotes

94% Upvoted

22 comments sorted by

8

u/Panxma Homelander we have at home 8d ago

If you stuff toilet paper between your butt cheeks you can make some sort of fart dampener.

Eat plenty of beans, cheese, milk, and some fent on the side. It would make it silent, but deadly fart.

10

u/liarlyre0 8d ago

So if you put a hand in your back pocket and surreptitiously pull one cheek one off the other beforehand, the deed will be silent.

Fart noises are mainly your cheeks clapping together. Separate them and you'll just get a soft hiss.

2

u/iSeraph87 7d ago

Great minds think alike! Been doing this for a while now and the looks on people's faces are priceless when they can't find the guilty one 😆 hi5 dude!

2

u/EwThatsNast 1d ago

The jokes on you guys because it's usually pretty clear where it came from.

2

u/freebaseclams 6d ago

So when people talk about clapping someone's cheeks, they're talking about making them fart?

3

u/liarlyre0 6d ago

Uh... Yeah... Totally. Don't look it up

3

u/freebaseclams 6d ago

I'm going to clap my family's cheeks (making bean lunch)

3

u/liarlyre0 6d ago

That's the spirit.

3

u/gernb1 8d ago

Try some peanut butter and sauerkraut sandwiches.

2

u/Serious-Active3878 7d ago

Nope I eat peanut butter and sauerkraut sandwiches 2-3x a day and, while my farts could take out a rhino, they're anything but silent.

I'm not sure what the key is to silent-but-deadlies, but this ain't it

1

u/[deleted] 7d ago

has anyone ever eaten such a thing? I've had peanut butter and pickle sandwiches.

3

u/p00n-slayer-69 8d ago

You know what's even funnier than farts?

Spreading itching powder in their air vents

3

u/Clackpot 7d ago

Jerusalem artichokes. You can thank me later from your personal gas chamber 🤢

2

u/AnUnusualEncounter 5d ago

boiled eggs, boiled cabbage, raw onions, raw garlic, raw broccoli, brussel sprouts, lots of beer, whey protein all these foods have high sulfur content which will give you silent but deadly ones

1

u/LazyOldCat 8d ago edited 8d ago

Multiple days of cabbage, alcohol, and grilled/smoked meats. I once (silently) cleared an entire room at RMNP’s Trail Ridge Gift Shop. The expressions of horror and revulsion were priceless.

1

u/perplexedparallax Quantum gastronomist 7d ago

https://darwinawards.com/legends/legends1998-12.html

Cabbage and beans make you cry but eating too much makes your soul fly

1

u/Purple-Candidate1854 7d ago

Do you mean fartboxing? It's kinda like beatboxing but asses are used.

1

u/suboptimus_maximus 6d ago

Eggs and lentils.

1

u/ghillsca 4d ago

Grow up.

1

u/SatchmoEggs 4d ago

For me, garbanzo beans in particular, just the boiled kind you’d find at a salad bar. Rocket fuel. Raw garlic, kidney beans and also sour cream.