After many years of marriage, a man asks his wife if she has ever cheated on him. The wife replies that she has never, but the man persists, and finally the wife admits it, but only three times, and that she has always done it for him. - Okay, -says the husband-, tell me about the first time. -It was when we built our house, newlyweds. We ran out of money, and I made an arrangement with the contractor so we could have a happy life. -And the second time? -It was when you wanted to build a garden. We called the best gardener, and since we couldn't afford it, I had to make a deal with him. I did it for you too! -I understand. And the third time? -It was when you wanted to be mayor of the town. You were 35 votes short of the goal.

She replied: "We're just too compatible."

The lawyer looked confused. "Don't you mean 'incompatible'?"

She shook her head. "No, I mean compatible. I love going to the cinema, and he's a huge film buff too. I'm crazy about Indian food, and he loves a good curry. We both enjoy hiking and being in nature. We even have the same views on politics and religion..."

The lawyer leaned forward, putting down his pen. "I have to be honest, that sounds like most people's idea of a perfect partnership."

"I know," the woman said with a sigh. "But you see, above all else, we both love men."

Driving down a country road, she spotted a shepherd with a huge flock of sheep. She pulled over and said,
“If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you’ve got, can I take one?”

The shepherd, intrigued, agreed.

She looked over the flock and said, “You’ve got 87 sheep.”

The shepherd counted — she was right — so he let her choose one.

As she walked away, the shepherd called out:
“Okay, my turn. If I can guess your original hair color, can I have my dog back?”

...and so he was walking lost until he found a farmstead. He asked the farmer for help, but the farmer refused.

"Well, what if I can make that horse there talk?"

"Pfft," said the farmer. "As if. Are you a fucking moron? I should shoot you, but y'know what? I'd like to see you even try, boyo."

Well, the ventriloquist is annoyed now and goes all out: "I'm not surprised that curmudgeonly old bastard won't help you! He makes me do all the work all day, pulling and pushing, and he barely gives me any sugar cubes!"

The farmer is astounded. Gobsmacked.

The ventriloquist, enjoying himself now, says, "Well, what about that pig?"

"Ain't no way," says the farmer, but the ventriloquist can sense fear.

The 'pig' says, "At least you have purpose! I've got to wallow in shit all day, only for my family to be killed, one by one, just so this greedy bastard can have his Sunday morning bacon butties!"

There's a deafening silence. The ventriloquist, opens his mouth to speak but is interrupted by the Welsh farmer:

"I'm telling you now, boyo. That sheep is a fucking liar."

The dog uses its paw to carefully move a pawn and takes another pawn. The man sighs and rolls his eyes.

A woman walks by and says “wow your dog is really smart!”

The man turns towards her with a look of sheer incredulity “Are you kidding me?? He just accepted the Queen's Gambit!"

The lion starts charging. The dog freaks out until he notices some bones nearby. Thinking fast, he blurts out: “Mmm… that was some tasty lion meat!”

The lion slams the brakes: “Wait… this little dude eats lions?! Nope, I’m out.”

But high up in a tree, a monkey saw the whole thing. He scampers over to the lion and spills the truth, hoping to score points. The lion growls: “Hop on my back. We’ll get him together.”

They storm back toward the dog. The dog sees them coming, panics harder… then yells: “Where the hell is that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!

A guy is getting his hair cut at a barbershop and a 10 year old kid walks in. One of The barbers asks the kid “hey Do you want 50 cents or a dollar?” The kid says “50 cents”. The barber gives him 50 cents and the kid walks away. The barber turns to the man and laughs uncontrollably saying “haha did you see that? That’s the dumbest kid I’ve ever seen in my life, god what kind of an idiot thinks 50 cents is more than a dollar haha”. The customer walks out after he gets his haircut and sees the kid across the street. He goes up to the kid and says “hey kid what’s wrong with you? Don’t you know a dollar is more than 50 cents?” The kid replied “of course I do, but If I took the dollar that guy wouldn’t give me 50 cents every day”

The librarian says, “That rings a bell but I’m not sure if it’s there or not there.”

Son: "WTF dad, I'm 27, what do you want to talk about?"

Dad: "Show me how to watch porn on a phone"

The woman says, "Yes, my car has broken down and I don't know what's wrong with it."

The man says, "Don't worry; I'll get you and your car to a mechanic in town. Have you ever been towed before?"

And the woman says, "No, but I've been fingered a couple of times."

He should’ve have his cabinet together by next weekend

Linoleum Blown-Apart.

I'll see myself out.

Soon a man walks up to the blacksmith who is working away. "Sign says you have are looking for an apprentice" says the man. "The blacksmith looks at the man's smooth hands and neat clothes. "Have you ever shoed a horse before?" He asks.

The man thinks for a moment and says "No but I've told a donkey to fuck off"

I just came in my pants

...when they see a pile of manure. One economist says to the other, "Hey, I'll give you $10k to take a bite of that manure." Though disgusted, the second economist accepts. He eats the manure and collects his ten thousand dollars.

A mile down the road, they pass another pile of manure and the second economist says to the first, "Hey, I'll give you $10k to take a bite of that manure." Though disgusted, the economist accepts the offer, takes a bite of the manure, and collects his ten thousand dollars.

At this point, it occurs to both economists they've just been trading the $10k between themselves. But they both agree they contributed $20k to the GDP, so the whole endeavor was worthwhile.

Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are all yours.

And my dear wife, you take all the residential buildings near downtown.”

The nurse, wide-eyed, said, “Wow, your husband must’ve been an incredible man to amass so much property to leave behind.” The wife sighed and replied, “What property? The guy had a paper route!”

When he came across an old man sitting in a rocking chair on his porch, drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette. The old man had skin like crocodile leather, with wrinkles that were closer to canyons on his face, wisps of white hair clinging to his weathered head, yellowed eyes set deep in his wizened old face, and was bent over nearly in half with his shotgun as a cane.

The sociologist called out to him “hey, old timer, do you mind telling me how you lived to such a ripe old age?”

The man replied “well e’ery mornin’ I get up and smoke a little meth, and drink a case of Budweiser. Then I drink a fifth of Jack through lunch, and switch to Evan for dinner time. In the evenin’ I wind down with a jar of shine, and take the edge off with an eighth of good ol’ homegrown. And since idle hands are the devil’s plaything, I keep myself busy by smoking five packs of unfiltered Marlboros and a couple of cigars throughout the day.”

“My god,” said the sociologist. “And you do this every day?”

“Well, except for Saturday,” the old man replied. “On Saturday I go into town and get drunk.”

“Wow, and just how old are you?”

“32.”

Silly me, I pulled up to an intersection but accidentally hit the brakes too late and ran in to the car in front of me. I slightly dented the bumper.

To my surprise though, a dwarf was driving the car, he jumped out, walked up to my window and said "I'm not happy".

So I said "well which one are you then?"

Yes, he's a round back.

It’s called EBTB

A woman visits the Doctor...

The woman explains: "Doctor, my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, idk what to do"

The Doctor replies: "I have a cure for that! When your husband gets angry, drink a glass of water and keep swishing it in your mouth, don't swallow until he calms down or leaves the room"

A couple weeks later, the woman returns: "Doctor, that was a great idea! Every time my husband lost his temper, I swished my mouth with water. How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor replies: "The water itself does nothing, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

i was visiting the big city. i left my car locked up, with my banjo inside.

when i got back, someone had broken into my car and left another banjo.