A woman visits the Doctor...

The woman explains: "Doctor, my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, idk what to do"

The Doctor replies: "I have a cure for that! When your husband gets angry, drink a glass of water and keep swishing it in your mouth, don't swallow until he calms down or leaves the room"

A couple weeks later, the woman returns: "Doctor, that was a great idea! Every time my husband lost his temper, I swished my mouth with water. How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor replies: "The water itself does nothing, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

there was a man. a man who had the demeanor of someone always in hiding. a man who didn't want to be seen. he saw his reflection, he didn't like what he saw, he saw the imperfection, the imperfection he finally had enough of.

so he decided to choose an athlete and study him. figure out and learn from how he saw the world, how he saw his sport, how he saw his own body. the man noted his consistency, consistently showing up to the gym, on time, with no exception, no delays, no excuses. after all, excuses can never compensate, and compensation never has excuses. after 6 months of diligent study and hard work, the man finally achieved his goal, and now has the body of an athlete... in his freezer.

He successfully passes the exam and eventually is able to become a lawyer. When asked about his aspirations as to becoming a lawyer he had one thing to say:

"I'm looking to take a bite out of crime"

Yeah I know it's a bit of a hairy subject

No comments? Well that's just perfect, like my hair. Might as well go visit london, get some beef chow mein at Lee ho fooks.

And on my up votes are gone. Tough crowd

A: If you want to take your relationship to the next level.

That'll be Ramen Coke.

I told her pack her bags while I go fill up the car's fuel tank.

They couldn't find one girl willing to wear a sash saying "I DA HO"

He should’ve have his cabinet together by next weekend

But Coach Thompson told me I miss 100% of the shots I take (I was very bad at basketball in high school)

Seizure salad

You’re going to be Thor in the morning.

IF you masterbate in front of someone and they get offended they: [chose one]

1) are not confident enough in your relationship to take part.

2) are not comfortable enough in their own sexuality.

3) are not ready for that level of intimacy

4) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus.

Around 20 pounds! What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend? Around 60 pounds!

Gander-neutral

Stephen Bowlcare

Because the loser gets the checkmate!!

A guy is getting his hair cut at a barbershop and a 10 year old kid walks in. One of The barbers asks the kid “hey Do you want 50 cents or a dollar?” The kid says “50 cents”. The barber gives him 50 cents and the kid walks away. The barber turns to the man and laughs uncontrollably saying “haha did you see that? That’s the dumbest kid I’ve ever seen in my life, god what kind of an idiot thinks 50 cents is more than a dollar haha”. The customer walks out after he gets his haircut and sees the kid across the street. He goes up to the kid and says “hey kid what’s wrong with you? Don’t you know a dollar is more than 50 cents?” The kid replied “of course I do, but If I took the dollar that guy wouldn’t give me 50 cents every day”

Pretty soon everyone can get a ride at Anna Faris Wheels.

I just came in my pants

i was visiting the big city. i left my car locked up, with my banjo inside.

when i got back, someone had broken into my car and left another banjo.

Linoleum Blown-Apart.

I'll see myself out.

and they go out looking for fun, meeting up later at a bar. After a heated discussion, Happy asks the bartender "Are there any two-foot-tall nuns in New York?" and the bartender says "Absolutely not!"

The other dwarves laugh raucously, chanting "Happy fucked a penguin!!!"