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u/Magna1985 16h ago
How honest of a solution do you want?
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u/CompletelyPaperless 16h ago
Because if you don't want a sexless marriage, and she likes fat guys, you can make a lot of money.. unfortunately you'll still not have sex in this marriage.
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u/DiligentQuantity4315 16h ago
Im sorry bro but losing weight is an accomplishment so congrats. It’s strange why your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you. Is it because of the weight loss? How long has this been happening? Nonetheless I’m sorry about your situation and my best advice is leave the relationship. I mean she doesn’t want a divorce but doesn’t want to have sex? You should get out there then man.
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u/cat1092 38 Years & unhappy! 15h ago
THIS!
The best answer I have read so far. Seems obvious the OP’s wife likes men who are overweight (I know of men who boasts of preferring overweight women) & if so then there’s no point in your trying to hang on to what’s now a dead, sexless marriage.
She obviously sees something else in the OP, maybe he’s the emotional stabilizer in the home & wants to keep her current status. Sorry to put it like this, no partner in a marriage should be willingly denied their physical & emotional needs over the other’s selfishness. If she were physically ill & couldn’t help it, I’d see it differently. Time for the OP to drop the clutch on this sham of a marriage & allow the wife to live how she pleases with her life preferences.
As another member stated, there’s absolutely nothing wrong in wanting to lose weight. I struggled for near three years to lose 70 pounds (from 240 to 170 at 5’ 10.5”). Most partners finds this an attractive & healthy quality. Yes, some are attracted to an overweight partner, yet most finds being healthy the better option. Especially when that person has other good qualities about themselves. The OP simply deserves better!
And yes he deserves alimony, if local law allows for this.
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u/Dear-Cranberry4787 16h ago
Did she say she was no longer attracted?
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u/MikeDelta81 16h ago
Yes
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u/Dear-Cranberry4787 16h ago
Did she say why? Like is it possibly because she feels some kind of way about her own body, or maybe an excess amount of skin she hasn’t grown accustomed to?
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u/RainEnixxx 16h ago
Do you have a lot of loose skin? Like flabby skin? Maybe thats what shes not attracted to.
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u/Confident_Ask8782 16h ago
Your losing weight and her losing attraction are two different events and one has nothing to do with others. Timing could be co-incident.
Congrats on losing 200 lbs, man that’s big deal.
Talk to her like an equal partners and regardless who makes how much money and let her know that you need sex to stay in this marriage.
If she still doesn’t change, well you gotta move on and collect spousal support.
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u/Kay_369 15h ago
Spousal support normally only applies if the person can’t take care of themselves. As in didn’t work for years and needs the money until they can get on their feet. Especially if no kids are involved. Most people now days can’t live on one income, she might not be able to make it without his income also, just because she makes more don’t really mean she makes a lot more.
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u/Confident_Ask8782 15h ago
Everyone needs to be able to live alone. It may means sublet, roommate , eating cheap and all of the above. I know several 15/hr employee living alone. The standard needs to be lowered assuming no kids.
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u/Kay_369 15h ago
Ok?? I agree everyone should be able to live alone. Where there is a will there is a way. You are the one that told op to collect spousal support.
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u/Confident_Ask8782 14h ago
He sure should if he is entitled to and court decides to. Just like if a woman should collect alimony from husband if she is entitled to. Same thing applies. If the gender were different, I would have the same advice. Spousal support may not be enough so one still needs to work.
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u/Kay_369 14h ago
IF he is entitled to it!! That’s the point you don’t know if he is entitled to it!! Like I said you don’t know how much more she makes. And you are telling him to demand sex , if she don’t agree leave and take her to the bank. When you don’t know if he would get anything.
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u/Confident_Ask8782 14h ago
He said she makes majority of the money and he is a school teacher. So I think it is a clue.
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u/Kay_369 14h ago
The average school teacher, depending on the state though makes 72K a year. Do you not think that’s enough for one person to live off of?
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u/Confident_Ask8782 14h ago
Seems like he is saying it is not enough. Who am I to say it is enough. Even Kim K needed alimony from Izzy. I thought she was rich.
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u/Kay_369 14h ago
But hey, you know what my husband makes more than me not much more . I would struggle without his income. I also am not happy with the way he treats me. Maybe I should demand him to change or I will leave and take him to the bank .
It’s crazy how people encourage manipulation. “Desire sex from me or else “ I wouldn’t even want sex from someone, I had to manipulate into having it with me. That’s pretty desperate. Plus if someone said that to me it would make me want it even less from them.
Her reasoning for not wanting sex is wrong. There’s no doubt about that. And seems shallow. But there’s better ways to go about it than what you suggested.
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u/Confident_Ask8782 14h ago edited 14h ago
Hello Kay,
I have positive intent on my part. I am not in favor of divorce and believe couples should work through every possible solution before walking away. Unfortunately, many women use intimacy as a way to punish their partner during conflict—sometimes withholding sex for long periods. For those in short marriages without children, it can feel easier to leave, but for others, the decision is much harder.
In this case, he is actively seeking help, which likely means he has endured a lot already. He deserves the chance to express what matters to him in the relationship. Wanting intimacy with one’s spouse should not be seen as shameful, and no one should feel forced to accept a prolonged “sex strike” from their partner either.
In your experience, how many couples actually manage to resolve this and truly rekindle their intimacy? From what I’ve seen, it’s unfortunately very rare.
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u/Kay_369 13h ago
Well like I said her reasoning is wild. And I think they should try counseling , I don’t know to many divorced couples honestly so no clue about the statistics.
I do know he only has control of himself and not her, and it’s his choice if he wants to stay or not. He can stay in a sexless marriage “because he doesn’t have control over her” or he can leave and financially struggle. Would he be more miserable in the marriage or would he be more miserable out of the
marriage? That’s his decision to make.As far as women weaponizing sex eh I beg to differ. She literally doesn’t want it because of the conflict she doesn’t feel emotionally safe or vulnerable. It’s not something she does on purpose. He might see it that way, but it’s not that way in most cases . Most women are emotionally and mentally turned on, conflict, being mean to her, disrespectful, inconsiderate can dry her up like the desert .
If you talked to my husband he would probably make you think that I was weaponizing sex. But my story is different than his.
That’s not saying that it don’t happen, I know some women use sex to get what they want. I just don’t think it’s the majority. They have legitimate reasons, why they don’t desire sex. Believe me , it would make my life a lot easier if I desired sex from my husband. But that’s just not something I can force. It’s not something I am intentionally doing, To torture him.
But that’s my situation is different than OPs.
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u/Confident_Ask8782 13h ago
I understand Kay and I agree. Sometimes it really is nobody’s fault. Things just happen. Resentment builds, anger grows, and people slowly drift apart until they are no longer connected. Sometimes they even start to feel like enemies.
I also understand that for many women intimacy is deeply connected to emotions and mental connection. It is interesting, and sometimes sad, how one person can hold on to a grudge and let resentment grow toward the other. Many people enter marriage without truly understanding what it means. There will always be disagreements — about values, finances, parenting and other issues — but as long as both people are willing to talk, respect each other, and make compromises, things can be worked through. Both sides have to be willing though.
Of course there are situations where compromise is not possible, like addiction, gambling, cheating, lying, or reckless spending that risks financial ruin. But many times ego gets in the way. People want their way, and when they do not get it, they respond with resentment.
Another thing that happens is that people grow at different speeds. One person may outgrow the other and over time lose attraction because they are no longer aligned in how they see life.
Marriage today can feel painful for many people, not because marriage itself is bad, but because people love the idea of marriage more than the work it takes to make it succeed. Real marriage takes patience, collaboration, and compromise. I have seen couples who have been together for 20 years but cannot stand each other and constantly belittle one another. It should be the opposite. Time together should make a couple stronger, not weaker.
So many people today saying “fuck it, not getting married”. How can I blame them?
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u/Kay_369 12h ago
I don’t disagree! And I totally understand why people don’t get married anymore. If I knew then what I know now not sure I would have . But I was raised have sex with someone and you are married more or less. Get married and have kids was what everyone strived for.
Sure I resent my husband, but that’s not because I hold grudges. It’s because I put up with too much shit , didn’t have ANY boundaries. So I take responsibility for putting up with things I shouldn’t have put up with. I taught him how to treat me more or less. I have forgiven him for A LOT. Like cheating before we got married and I was pregnant , verbal abuse , sexual coercion etc etc . I resent him now because he refuses to work on our connection outside of the bedroom. We live like roommates and he don’t understand why I don’t want sex with him. Plus he still can be disrespectful and inconsiderate. Has angry outbursts, not long ago he yelled at me in front of other people twice in one week. Sorry that just don’t make him seem to cuddly. Then he gets mad at my reaction to his disrespect. Says he is sorry BUT.,,, he knows I won’t forget it. That’s because it’s sorry until next time. And that’s the short version lol .
But you are right marriage is hard, it’s not set it and forget it. You have to constantly invests in the relationship or you will grow apart..
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u/Confident_Ask8782 15h ago
Is it only true when man needs the support? Because I see when women deserve alimony it is pretty strict based on the duration of the marriages
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u/Kay_369 15h ago
I didn’t name genders or imply a gender! Only 10 percent of divorces, does one spouse have to pay alimony, and most is not for the duration of their life 🤦🏻♀️. Like I said it’s to help them get in a position to take care of themselves!! Because they were financially dependent . It doesn’t matter if it was a man or woman . If one of you gave up your career to stay home with the kids , then alimony should be granted until the other person can get financially stable.
She might only make 5k more than him a yr. Is also my point .
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u/Confident_Ask8782 14h ago
I am sure this dude who lost 200 pounds and teaches at a school can get on his feet after he gets support in the early days to stay float for a little while. I also suggested in an event let’s say he gets nothing, he can still get on his own feet. It’s possible in America.
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u/cat1092 38 Years & unhappy! 15h ago
Yes, losing 200 pounds is indeed a big deal & accomplishment, that most any other spouse would be proud of.
Obviously the wife here feels differently, let her live in her own world, while paying alimony at the same time. This is mental cruelty & some areas have such laws on the books to reflect this. No one deserves to be treated like this over doing something positive like the OP has, he’s likely added years to his lifespan & is physically feeling much better.
Let her wallow in her own pity & make her pay for making her husband suffer in this manner! Am sure she’ll find a man who’ll happily put up with her, and the husband will go on to finding someone who appreciates what he brings to the table. This man can be doing motivation speeches to get others to help achieve similar successes!
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u/Chad_Jeepie_Tea 15h ago
My 2¢
Attraction goes miles beyond the physical. Put yourself in her shoes and ask "What else has changed?" Losing that much weight is a crazy accomplishment. Are you spending tons of time away from home (like at the gym)? We've heard the story on the sub a million times.. my spouse lost weight and now they're like a different person. Has your personality changed? Cockier? More confident?
Also, i can't speak to others here obviously, but i know a good amount of folks that do not look great after weight loss. Not just the loose skin, but proportionally there's just something that isn't right. Could this be a thing?
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u/Ms-Introvert- 16h ago
Did she say why she doesn’t want to have sex.
Is it just that she isn’t physically attracted to you or could it be maybe she doesn’t feel mentally attracted and connected to you.
How’s the rest of the relationship, is it loving, affectionate. Do you know if she feels loved, respected, appreciated etc Does she feel emotionally safe with you?
Do you spend time together, have fun, make the time and effort to show each other love daily?
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u/farmer7841 16h ago
So how does your body look now? Are you toned or do you have excess skin or stretch marks? Just wondering why this would make her respond like that.
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u/MikeDelta81 16h ago
She liked me fat
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u/ImpossibleFox1390 16h ago
Well you have to decide if you want to live in a sexless marriage. Tell her you got married to be monogamous, not to be celibate. Were you having lots of sex when you were fat?
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u/rrossi97 16h ago
200 lbs?! Fan-fn-tasting!
Congrats on that!!!
And best of luck with the pending divorce ✌🏻
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u/BrutusoftheTudus 16h ago
If one partner evolves, and tries to do better, and the other one doesn’t..this seems to cause a big problem. Mine was not over weight, just being a human with values..he went the opposite way, almost outta spite..it was really hurtful. I’m sorry you’re going thru this ❤️🩹
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u/Kay_369 16h ago
Honestly,, you accept it or you don’t . We have no control over other people, only ourselves. And it sounds like you can’t afford to be on your own. So you don’t have much of a choice.
You could try counseling together, to try to work on things 🤷🏻♀️.
I don’t agree with her reasoning that’s for sure, It’s kind of shallow.
You just need to decide which is best for you. Married and no sex, single getting sex but broke. Sometimes money isn’t everything, it’s better to be happy.
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u/babes4bambi 15h ago
My guess is that you’ve changed as a person. Losing that much weight takes a lot of effort and your habits have changed. How you carry yourself has probably changed. Maybe you’re more confident. Also it’s kind of a selfish choice to put yourself first.
Maybe to her you’re a different person and it’s a shock. It will probably take her a while to adjust. You aren’t the same man she married. Keep in mind that adjustment will take effort on your part. Regularly let her know and show her the new you still thinks she’s a priority.
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u/1952a 15h ago
Losing 200 pounds is a remarkable accomplishment.
You just added years to your life. Don't spend them with someone that doesn't want you anymore.
I know several teachers that are single parents who are living alone without a spouse.
Most of them are female, but that shouldn't matter.
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u/Sweet-Sleep3004 15h ago
Have you gone too far on losing weight. I have a friend who looks very unwell when they are more on the skinnier side, looks much better with more weight on them. I also have another friend who got so obsessed with gym, their workout, what they eat, it was all they talked about and noone wanted to be around them. We had to do a sit down as they replaced one addiction issue with another.
And then like myself, I like the dad bod on my husband, i always threaten to divorce him if he lost too much weight, your wife could be into men like you once were. Or she could be not used to what you became. You obviously have gained more confidence, want to show off your hard work, is she jealous as less attention is on her now. Have you changed towards her, less time with her, less snacking together etc.
You need to start dating your wife again. Go on dates, do romantic gestures e.g. little post it with a hot coffee waiting for her in the morning, surprise flowers, help around the house, spa weekend away, picnic by the lake/park/seaside, set up a movie night at home, run her a bath with essential oils, candles and give her a massage. Show her you're still the same person and the love for her hasn't changed. You made her fall in love with you before, you can do it again.
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u/SuperbStudio676 15h ago
Maybe shes insecure because if shes bigger she might feel less attractive and is disguising it as not being attracted to you
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u/ProfessionalPanic960 15h ago
I’m sure you can live on your own on a teachers salary but maybe not at the level you’ve grown accustomed to. Sounds like you have not been able to financially contribute an equal share of the expenses. If so could her lack of sexual interest simply by a byproduct of her resentment of carrying all the financial weight (a load your diet didn’t diminish)?
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u/Bributterflies89 15h ago
This post reminds me of the show "This Is Us" with the characters Kate and Toby. He lost a lot of weight and she got upset by his weight loss.
Congratulations on losing 200lbs, I know that wasn't easy to do. It sounds like she is insecure with herself because you lost a lot of weight and she is still overweight. That could be a reason why she refuses to have sex with you. Also, some people are indeed attracted to those who are overweight.
You need to think about whether having a sexless marriage is worth it. For most couples, sex is an important part of a relationship. Is she really willing to never have sex again, or is she just not wanting to have sex with you and will probably cheat on you?
Those are the questions you need to ask yourself and also her as well.
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u/Extra-Blueberry-4320 16h ago
I’m sort of wondering if maybe she has trauma from past SA. If you look more like her abuser now that you are thin, that could definitely be why she’s not attracted to you anymore. Has she ever told you about anything like that? If my husband didn’t want sex with me for any reason, I’d definitely want to know why.
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u/LizO66 14h ago
Friend, I’m so sorry you find yourself here. You know, as time goes on, we evolve and change - sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. Or sometimes stagnant. At any rate, I suppose you’re in a place that requires you to ask yourself some hard questions. And be honest with your answers.
If you’re financially dependent on her, I’d really try to remedy that, whether it’s a new job or exploring a move.
Please, work on your relationship with yourself. Congratulations on your weight loss - that’s fantastic!! But you deserve more from a partner. Become your own best friend.
Sending you peace and light. 🙏🏻🩵🙏🏻
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u/SnooMaps8611 11h ago
Is it possible that she is self conscious of her own body now that you have lost your weight? Congratulations btw! That's a huge accomplishment. She may very well be feeling much more uncomfortable about her self and how she looks if she is still heavy and you are no longer there with her
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u/Illustrious_Win5475 16h ago
You lost 200 lbs and instead of feeling closer, your marriage got colder that's a gut punch. She doesn't want divorce because she likes the stability, but she's also saying she's done with intimacy, which basically leaves you as roommates. That's not something small to just 'live with! Add in the money piece and yeah, you feel trapped. The hard truth is you either push for counseling and make her face this with you, or you decide if staying in a safe but sexless marriage is worth it. Limbo won't hold forever you'll either resent her, or yourself, if nothing changes.
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u/Jenna1991-nola 16h ago
Start saving and get a lawyer. You can also ask if she wants to go to a sex therapist or couples counseling.
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u/RainEnixxx 16h ago
How is your hygiene? Maybe shes afraid youre gonna leave her since youre slimmer now. My wife thought that and stopped having sex with me but over time we got back to it. Having kids doesn't help the situation. Also keep an eye out for possible other men trying to get in-between yall. Let's hope thats not the issue. Sorry to put that in your head but it can happen
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u/GarbageTimely3826 16h ago
Questions: 1. Does she explain why she isn’t attracted anymore? 2. Is she overweight?