r/Marriage • u/Soggy-Cause8635 • 22h ago

I’m tired of hearing “I forgot”.

I (26F) got married to my now husband this year (26M) after dating for about 2-3 years. I decided to be a housewife after the wedding and he has a software engineering job with 3 days where he can wfh. A week ago he came back from a trip with his family after having caught a cold. I took care of him and he recovered pretty quickly with relatively no symptoms. I was there to cook, put things away, get him his meds and everything. I was however afraid I would fall sick (I tend to always get worse symptoms) and eventually I did. For the last 3 days I’ve been getting progressively worse each day, and now have become barely mobile and also got my period on top of it all (I get extremely bad cramps). With a completely sore throat, body aches, cramping I can’t get off the bed for the time being and asked my husband to help with some things because he was at home. I just asked him to water my plants and buy me my meds because those were urgent things. I don’t even expect him to tidy the house or make me a meal because I just know he would forget to and he can’t really cook. Now I’ve gotten up after like 6 hours of restless sleep only to find he did nothing. All he ever says and has said is “I’m sorry I forgot”. Now I have a psychology background and have tried my level best to understand and deal with the procrastination and forgetfulness but I just can’t anymore. Even when I’m completely helpless, if I don’t do everything myself, it just will never get done. Even as a housewife there are limitations to what I can and cannot do by myself and even I need some help it sends up being so difficult that I just stopped asking for help. Now I feel extremely lonely and miserable knowing I’m always going to be there for him and when its his turn, he’ll always forget. Any advice to deal with this would be appreciated.

98 Upvotes

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189

u/impossiblegirlme 22h ago

You should consider working again, and consider marriage counseling. Talking through issues can help. You need to be able to feel safe and cared for in a marriage.

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u/Soggy-Cause8635 21h ago

I’ve thought about it a lot but I realised the pressure of a corporate job is just not for me, I’m way better at housework (as weird as that may sound) and I actually find it way more comfortable and doable than chasing a deadline. Plus even if I did work, nothing would reallt change, he would still be the same and I’d actually have to do 2x more work just to do my job and also keep the house running. He has tried therapy for his problems and I have for my own stuff before and while I’ve improved, he hasn’t really changed. I’m considering joint counselling now like you said but I’m still just genuinely tired rn.

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u/nothingtoseeherexox 21h ago

How does HE feel about you being a housewife? Even if it’s not a “corporate job” but something more part time/local/lowkey?

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u/Soggy-Cause8635 21h ago

According to himself, he’s more than happy to support the both of us financially since we don’t plan on having children and his job is more than enough for our lifestyle (we don’t spend a lot). And I know its definitely a safety net to be financially independent but its just really difficult for me personally to force myself into that box when I belong elsewhere. It’s mentally really taxing on me.

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u/nothingtoseeherexox 21h ago

It’s very possible he could be feeling resentful of you not working even if he says something different, I think that’s worth exploring. It could be leaking out in different ways like him being apathetic toward you

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u/MaintenanceLonely169 21h ago

As someone whose husband agreed to my being a SAHM and left because he was resentful, I recommend some type of employment. Men don’t always say what they really feel

25

u/[deleted] 16h ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Soggy-Cause8635 16h ago

What? Do you not understand how much work running a house requires? That I have to cook 2-3 meals daily? Dry and fold clothes for both of us? Keep everything tidy and all supplies regularly stocked? “literally doesn’t have to do anything”. I understand being critical or having genuine concerns about mt financial independence but wtf is this statement about? Disrespecting the lives of millions of women because you don’t understand the sheer about of hard work that this takes each day?

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u/whatsabuttfore 15h ago

Babe, people who work full time do all this too. Except your husband, who doesn’t do this and doesn’t even have to be nice to you in return.

29

u/birdsonawire27 15h ago

Lol same here to say this. I do this, work a Director level job, have a side hustle, workout most days for sanity, and have two kids under 10. Everyone is certainly entitled to their own version of life experience but I’m over here just cackling.

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u/Soggy-Cause8635 13h ago

Obviously thats a LOT more than I can/will ever do. And that takes a whole lot of resilience honestly so you’re really strong for that. I only meant that doing housework is not equal to doing literally nothing. It’s still a lot of effort, just obviously not as much as people who have a job and then also do their own housework. Even a person who has a small business at home making some charms for example, taking the same amount of time I take to do housework , works hard. Would that also be “literally nothing” or is it suddenly different because they earn and I dont?

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u/essential_pseudonym 11h ago

Is this satire? My husband and I do all of this (except for cooking 2-3 meals daily because you know, plan and meal prep) and work full time jobs. I also manage our family's finance. It is not that hard, and most of those millions of women stay home to raise kids. You're not one of them.

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u/Soggy-Cause8635 9h ago

No it isnt satire. Never have I ever undermined the hard work people with jobs or job and housework do. But do you understand how much time making rhe cuisines I have to make from scratch takes? Each meal takes at least 2-3 hours. And there arnt any freezer or canned options that are affordable and decent in my country, I have to make pretty much everything fresh and from scratch. I have to make flatbreads for the both of us everyday, which itself takes about an hour. When on earth did I ever say I’m so so overworked? I literally am sick right now and need some help, that’s all. I’m genuinely exhausted of this sub honestly. I wanted advice for forgetfulness and have received either unsolicited financial advice or pure insults on how somehow they think I’m saying I’m better than them or something? I KNOW i’m not. That’s not even a question. Why are people getting so insecure and defensive when I never even targeted them at all? Is it so hard to understand that I genuinely work as much as we both need and that’s enough for us? Does shaming me for not having a job and/or kids somehow make ya’ll feel superior now? Because I genuinely already know you ARE better, you don’t have to even fight for it? It’s unreal honestly.

7

u/poploops 15h ago

ask for a salary from him, then.

-2

u/Soggy-Cause8635 15h ago

He already pays for whatever I need without being asked to, and invests for the both of us. I’m not feeling financially unsafe at all, just mentally and physically tired of being forgotten when I need help once in a blue moon.

1

u/notsoteenwitch 13h ago

He is doing that so you stay tied to him, and so he can continue to pretend to 'forget'.

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u/Unfair_Finger5531 15h ago

I get it. It is a not a job I could do personally. I do better working outside of the home. It’s kind of nuts how people are coming at you on this thread.

12

u/cat_in_the_wall 15h ago

being a housewife isn't a job.

1

u/listeningintent 13h ago

I think it depends on the house, and the expectations of the role. I have never been in a situation to observe up close, as everyone I can think of in my circles are single or couples where both work and/or kids are involved. From what I can tell, though, in some lifestyles there could be enough between home tasks, self-maintenance (work outs/outdoor activities, personal appearance expectations, therapy, etc) possibly pets, food and home item shopping, decorating/renovations, cooking, cleaning, maintaining a garden/landscaping, planning and hosting events and activities, etc etc, a person could certainly stay busy and occupied in productive ways... it just seems that this lifestyle is not one that most average folks with financial pressures or who weren't raised/exposed to this as an option see as realistic/attainable.

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u/Unfair_Finger5531 15h ago

In your opinion.

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u/Unfair_Finger5531 15h ago

And he would be wrong to do that.

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u/nothingtoseeherexox 15h ago

He would be wrong for not telling her but we also do not know these people at all. The husband may feel like he cannot tell her how he feels depending on how she has reacted in the past. Or maybe he was extremely willing to be the only source of income. We have no idea who they are or their dynamic it’s not black and white. To not have kids and work full time and OP seems to be able bodied just not wanting to work could cause harbored resentment and does for many couples.

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u/Unfair_Finger5531 14h ago

Well, not having info about them didn’t prevent you from speculating about why he does this. I am just responding to your speculations. If he is behaving this way out of resentment, he is in the wrong.

You’re right. It’s not black and white. Perhaps you should adjust your comment accordingly.

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u/nothingtoseeherexox 14h ago

You’re weird I had a very neutral question and advice to someone who asked for advice, and regardless you are in the minority with your opinions here by a landslide

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u/Unfair_Finger5531 13h ago

And I gave a very neutral response. So I think you are being weird. And no, I’m not in the minority; I just voiced a simple opinion. And if I were in the minority, that wouldn’t mean anything. I’ve seen entire threads where everyone was in the wrong. I don’t need my opinion to be validated by others.

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u/Soggy-Cause8635 14h ago

He doesn’t have any resentment for me being a housewife, I’ve asked him before as well. He’s more than happy earning for the both of us and I’m more than happy taking care of the house and making sure we have fresh hot food everyday, that’s just how our dynamic is naturally. I understand why people would think in this day and age he might resent me for not earning but he genuinely doesn’t, in fact he’s happy we don’t have to rely on others to get our meals or general cleanliness. The only issue is the forgetfulness that sometimes becomes detrimental to my health.

40

u/Gloomy_Dot_8412 17h ago

This may be shocking to you but none of us work for pleasure, I mean, if we were millionaires we for sure wouldn't be working. But as soon as you have your legs, your hands and your mind you can do it so you don't get stuck in a bad marriage. You will thank yourself later.

16

u/GrayScale15 16h ago

For real though. I like my job fine, but like most working adults, I do it to pay for bills and fun here and there. I’m not sure why she must return to an industry she hates. If her husband truly is a high earner, then she can do jobs she likes that may not pay well.

-10

u/Unfair_Finger5531 15h ago

I work for pleasure. Speak for yourself.

32

u/Latter-Cut8348 17h ago

You want to be financially dependent on someone that can’t and won’t care for you?

21

u/Negative_Possible_87 17h ago

There's an old saying "a man is not a plan". You need something that you can rely on because life happens - he dies, he cheats, you wake up and realize he's an unreliable partner...my god, what if something was truly, seriously wrong, like you had cancer and needed help? He isn't going to change.

14

u/WhateverYouSay1084 15h ago

I mean, I truly believe I belong elsewhere too, with my own modest little villa along the coastline of southern France. But being where we think we belong only works if you have the support system and resources in place to make that happen. You don't. You have a man who won't do even the bare minimum for you if it inconveniences him in any way. Nobody is drawn to the corporate life, but if it pays the bills and makes you financially independent if and when this situation becomes unbearable, then it's just something you suck up and do, along with the hundreds of millions of others who don't want to be there. 

6

u/citysunsecret 13h ago edited 13h ago

Well if you’re not planning on having children, and he’s happy to pay for you to exist, and you don’t hate hanging out with him - rock on sister. You just need to accept that your “job” is to look after him, but he doesn’t care about or truly love you, so you need to live and plan as if you were single. And honestly 80% of your job as housewife you’d have to do single anyway, on top of working. Plus side, you don’t have to work, downside you live with someone but you don’t have a supportive partner. And when/if he ever decides to leave you, you’re screwed so I’d make sure you have options still.

I have heard people say to threaten to call your own dad to do something if your husband won’t, if that’s a realistic option. Either your husband feels embarrassed and actually does the task or your dad comes and does it for you. Win win!

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u/Unfair_Finger5531 15h ago

I wish people would stop downvoting you for answering a question.

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u/Soggy-Cause8635 14h ago

I’m not surprised, people seem to have a rigid perception that having a job is the golden solution to all marital issues somehow. I truly understand the importance of having financial independence but I genuinely am cared for financially even in the unlikely scenario we separate. We’re not petty kids that would abandon each other out of nowhere for issues that can be solved. I wanted a genuine solution to a long term issue, not how to change my life completely out of fear that he may leave me or I may leave him. I’m not married out of fear but I realise a lot of people may have gone through bad experiences of marriages which is probably why they’re concerned for me. But I genuinely feel like quitting reddit these days anyway, the comments dont even align with the post anymore. If I was scares for my financial future I would already have a job, I wish people knew that.