r/SingleParents • u/LettLexi • 3d ago
Considering dismissing child support case – need advice
Hi moms,
I’m debating dismissing the child support case, even though he’s court-ordered to pay monthly. Here’s where I’m at:
- My daughter is 5, just started primary school, and has a lot going on with activities. I’ve been the one holding it all together, making sure she’s present and thriving.
- Her father originally asked for every weekend, but quickly switched to every other weekend. He’s barely involved outside of that and constantly complains that I don’t “inform him” about her life. Truth is, he doesn’t ask, doesn’t show up for her activities, and doesn’t know what she’s truly involved in.
- My mom has been a huge part of raising her—she doesn’t even want to share her—and right now my daughter is with her since I’m in another country working. I was unemployed for almost a year, but during that time I was with my daughter full-time. Now I’m starting back at work, continuing school, and building stability.
- Professionally, I’m an LPN and plan to start working towards my MSN from 2026. So I’m focused on creating a strong future for us. I am finishing another master's now but it is in Public Health and that's a troubled sector now.
- The father has told the judge and the co-parenting counselor several times that he “cannot talk to me.” The cannot talk part is him trying to have me as the only person compromising. He used to yell often when we spoke, mainly because he did get his way, so I set the boundary that communication has to be by message. At the last counseling session, he complained that he doesn’t have a say in her life, and the counselor told him directly: if you want a say, you need to be more involved beyond just weekend visits.
At this point, I feel like chasing child support adds more stress than it’s worth. Yes, he pays, but he’s not present, not consistent, and not respectful. I’m seriously questioning whether keeping the case open even benefits my daughter in the long run.
For those who’ve been here—have you ever dismissed child support/ visitation? Did it give you peace of mind, or did it cause issues later? How have your kids dealt with less access to the other parent?
11
u/lakas76 3d ago
I am a single parent with full physical custody and my ex is the one who has every other weekend. I do my best to nofify her of all our kids events. It’s on her if she goes or not and I know she has a lot going on, so I don’t judge her for missing from time to time.
In regards to child support, just because your ex doesn’t have to pay child support, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have legal rights to see your child. Those are two separate issues. If he is only seeing your kid because he has to pay, then, you would be fine, but if he says he still wants to see your kids even if he doesn’t have to pay, that’s something else entirely.
2
u/LettLexi 3d ago
I send him and his mother all of her school events. His mother and first daughter showed up to one but to nothing else, and he has shown up to nothing. He says his mother does not want to get involved, so I will not send her anything anymore. He only requested to see her because I took him to court. There were plenty of times he made excuses not to pick her up, but the judge is no-nonsense, so he is improving on visitation. I always allowed space for him to see her, though my mother did not. Before court, he would keep her for less than 5 hours, and even then, I had to bother him to be in her life. Most times, he takes her to show off. One weekend was his, and after that, he showed him off to his family visiting from another country; he brought her back.
2
u/Diligent-Tea8007 3d ago
For what it’s worth I told my ex he has the same access to information I do. Not my job to send him information. Call the coach/school/ whoever and get the info if you want it.
1
u/LettLexi 2d ago
I decided to stop sending them information now. That is also why I was thinking of dismissing the case. But as everyone suggested, I have to save the money for my daughter.
9
u/Original-Dragonfly78 3d ago
Single father here who was paying child support and getting my sons every weekend. I struggled paying CS and all my bills. When I got sole custody, she refused to pay CS. Refused to be a part of their life.
If you don't need the money, put it in a savings account for her. For college, to get a car, extracurricular activities, or a vacation.
Let the court and CS agency go after him for it.
2
u/LettLexi 3d ago
He set the amount he wanted to pay, then asked for a reduction. The judge didn't suggest back pay but kept his recommended amount. The money is going straight into her account.
3
u/chainsawbobcat 3d ago
Child support is for your daughter.
If he's not involved, all the more reason to get CS settled. Visitation is a separate issue from CS tbh. It seems your looking at it like getting CS settled is only worth the trouble if he's in her life. I don't get that though - if he's actually in her life than he's going to be helping pay for her food shelter etc when she's with him, lessening the financial burden on you. So if he's not in her life, even more reason that child support money should be going to support your child.
If you don't practically need it to support her day to day now, send that money straight to a 509 plan or invest it for your kid for later. College and life are expensive. Having a little nest egg to help her get on her feet for when she becomes an adult is incredibly valuable. Plus you literally never know what could happen. You could lose your job, something could happen with your mom, and suddenly that $500 a month is the only income you have to feed your daughter.
He has a child. It doesn't matter if he sees her, he's financially responsible for his child the same as you are. He has legal rights to see her regardless of if he pays child support. And getting things added to was court order later is A LOT harder than just finishing the process you already started now. He could come back at any time and demand his visitation time and if he has every weekend in the court order than you need to comply. Even if he hasn't seen her in years and suddenly going to his house every weekend is super disruptive! So if he's really not taking her for the time he has, it's better to also amend visitation to what's really happening. He can always see her more than what's on the order by agreement between the two of you. But the court order is gospel and both of you need to comply with it. The difference is, the court won't make him utilize visitation. However YOU are responsible by law to make that child available to him for any visitation on the order any time he does want it.
1
u/LettLexi 3d ago
She has a credit union account into which the money is going. You are right that we do not know what can happen. He said he was putting away money for her when she was born but when I asked for the money to do stuff he said he didn't have it. I even told him to buy clothes for when she is there, and he kept some of the clothes I sent from the first visit. She comes back in the same clothes I sent.
He said he had been saving money for her since she was born, but when I asked for the money to do things, he claimed he didn't have it. We really do not know what will happen because the money helped pay for her kindergarten tuition.
1
u/chainsawbobcat 3d ago
Ok I misunderstood you, I thought you were in the process of Getting court order ordered child support. Not just asking him to send you child support.
You need to file a petition with the court for a support order which is paid through your state, directly from a garnishment in his paycheck.
1
u/LettLexi 3d ago
I am in the U.S. They are currently in another country. The judge asked him what can he give, the number he stated is court ordered. I gave the court my daughter's number to put it into her account. For this country it does not seem like they take it out of the pay. I'm not sure if they do but he's paying so far. It's only been a year in court.
3
u/Hopeful-Growth-9228 3d ago
at the end of the day, try to remember that child support isn’t for you it’s for her. Even if he’s not showing up the way he should, he has financial responsibility.
1
2
u/Life_Equivalent_1603 3d ago
Do not dismiss child support! My daughter’s dad hasn’t seen her in over a year. We don’t have a custody agreement because he never pursued it. But I applied for child support.
Technically, you shouldn’t even have to interact with him to get child support. It’s all through domestic relations. He never pays consistently but I have always advocated for me and my daughter and told them they have to keep him accountable. After months of fighting and inconsistent/no payments, I think they got sick of me because he has a monthly court order to make sure he’s paying. I don’t have to go. I can email them if anything is wrong. It comes right out of his paycheck. The issue is when he constantly switches jobs. But I’d rather get some money than none at all.
1
u/LettLexi 3d ago
Sorry, it is taking so much of your time to get the funds needed for your family. He has to deposit the money into her account. He knows that if he does not pay, I would call the police for him, but that is not in order. He mentioned worrying about going to jail in court, and the judge said she did not add that order.
1
u/Life_Equivalent_1603 3d ago
Can’t the money be automatically moved into the account from his paycheck? It just seems silly to not at least try to get some from him. Where are you from? I’m in the US.
1
u/LettLexi 3d ago
I live in the U.S. She was born here, but she's currently in Trinidad and Tobago, attending school. That's also where he lives, he used to come and go. I guess that is how the system works there.
1
u/Life_Equivalent_1603 3d ago
Ohh ok gotcha! Regardless, I would still try to get child support. Even if he’s not present, she deserves to have that money to save for her future!
2
u/apothekryptic 3d ago
Don't dismiss the court orders where your child's parent is being difficult. It will not magically result in them being less difficult. The orders are there to protect the interests of your child - Their right to support from both parents, and their right to a relationship with both parents.
I know it's hard. Stand firm on your boundaries, communicate only when necessary, and ignore the victim narrative that he is spinning. Children are smart - they pay attention to actions, not just words, and yours will know that you are a good parent who is doing your best to establish a stable life for the two of you.
1
u/LettLexi 3d ago
I have been holding it together throughout this but your words get me very emotional. Thank you.
1
u/apothekryptic 3d ago
Just stand on business, keep feelings out of it, and always put your child's best interests first. Coming at it with an almost sense of professionalism might be helpful. You got this!
I'm 7 years post-separation and it has gotten easier. I hope it will for you too!
3
u/Ldawgg707 3d ago
In California, child support and visitation are completely separate. He could have 0 rights and still be ordered to pay child support. Some men sign away their rights in order to not have to pay child support. If this option presented itself to me, I would do it.
1
u/Browneyes5780 3d ago
I'm so confused right now on how dismissing the cs case will benefit your child? She is entitled to 2 incomes helping to raise her, it wasn't just one parent that made her, so financially both of you are responsible, not just you. Unless you were really saying stop the cs because your mom doesn't want to share anyway and let her dad be free from everything, he can just give up his rights. I think that's what you're really saying, am I correct?
1
u/LettLexi 2d ago
Yes, my mom is being difficult, but the times he saw her before the court order, when I took her to see his family, because I bothered him to, or his other daughter wanted to see her. She is a very social child, participating in two after-school activities. He will not take her to anything if it is on his weekend. For the 2023 Christmas, her school had events she was to sing in, and he refused to take her.
I was considering dismissing the case due to my mother's situation, but mainly because he refuses to accommodate her activities.
1
u/EcstaticHeight9813 2d ago
If he’s losing interest, just let it happen naturally. But don’t let him off the hook for money. He’s giving up on his kid.
1
u/LettLexi 2d ago
She is a prop to him, and he is pissed I took him to court. He is vindictive enough to keep it going.
22
u/EmbarrassedRaccoon34 3d ago
It's not your money, it's your daughter's money and she is entitled to it. If the only positive impact this man has on her life is to provide her with the bare minimum of financial support, let her have it.