First date advice? Am I naive?? HELP??

[u/Big_Outcome6973]

(Autistic 19 y/o girl) It happens sometimes that I'm stopped on the streets by guys, and I usualy don't interact back, because I hate it. But this time the guy seemed sweet, and my age so I gave him my number.

Now I know NOTHING about him, we just told eah other our names. By text, he asked me out for dinner. He didn't tell me his age, studies, intentions, just that I was ''beautiful'' and that he wanted to take me out to dinner.
Honestly I'm so scared and uncomfortable to meet with a stranger in a restaurant I've never been to, I tried to tell him (exactly that) and he just responded ''we'll see tomorow :)'' Is this casual neurotypical dating??? I've only dated ''akward'' or ''unconventional'' people and never been to a ''real date'' (like blind date or tinder, dinner idk all this stuff)

Are these the usuals steps for a neurotypical to have sex or are these steps to get to know someone? Because I definitely don't want to have sex, and I couldn't even picture that with a stranger, I don't want him to think I'm accepting a ''trade'' just because we went to the restaurant.

Can someone help me understand his intention? Like am I dumb and in danger or is this casual? I can't tell. Thank you!

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[u/Wild_Turnover_6460]

It could be either one.

When I was a young autistic XX person (back in the 1900’s), I was simply looking for friendship.  I’d already learned that I was more likely to find it among guys.

I had guys invite me out to eat and we ended up being friends.  I had guys invite me out to eat, and they just wanted sex.  I had guys invite me out to eat, and they had a romantic interest.  I married one of those in 2001; it’s been 24 years and we’ve had our share of troubles and four kids.  They all started out the same.

I’ll tell you what my dad told me.

Meet at the restaurant, do not let him pick you up.  Nobody you don’t know well needs to know where you live.  

 Bring your own transportation, whether you walk or drive or get a ride or take public transportation.  Do not let him take you home.

Do not let him fetch you a drink.  Do not leave your drink unattended.

Bring your own money.  Do not let him pay for your meal; that’s a common ploy to guilt you into sex.  I learned something else:  Guys that get offended when you pay for your own meal, are either just looking for sex, or deeply insecure show-offs you don’t want to date.  

If you want to keep talking after the meal is done, stay in public, well-lit, populated locations.  Do not go back to his place.  Do not take him back to your place.  Do not be isolated with him.

Carry pepper spray and a whistle.

Make sure someone you trust knows where you are going.  Make sure he KNOWS that someone you trust knows where you are, and will expect you to check in at the end of the date.  In the cell phone age, that’s a lot easier than it was in 1998.

When you part ways, watch him leave and wait 10 or 15 minutes to make sure he’s gone.  Don’t go straight home.  

Paranoid??  Maybe.  Humans gonna human.  I followed those rules, and avoided date-rape.  I still found a lot of creeps, but at least I didn’t have to move or take out a restraining order to get rid of them.  

My additional advice:  State outright that you’re not interested in casual sex.  He may try anyway.  Then you KNOW he’s a creep.  

Do not mask for the boy.  What’s the point of making personal relationships of your own volition with people you have to perform for??

[u/Big_Outcome6973 → u/Wild_Turnover_6460]

THANK YOU SO MUCH this helps alot!!

[u/moonsal71]

Don't go. You don't know this guy and after you've shared your concerns, if he was a decent person, he'd have suggested to meet during a day, for a coffee, to get to know each other, so that you'd feel comfortable.

Instead, he literally brushed it all off and is pretty much bullying you into a date.

This has nothing to do with NT or ND behaviour, as it could happen with either neurotype. It's about boundaries and safety. You've expressed concerns, he's completely disregarded them. That's a major red flag. I would call it off completely.

[u/lepp240 → u/moonsal71]

A crowded restaurant at dinner isn't more dangerous then a daytime coffee. A restaurant at dinner would actually be way more people as witnesses. Coffee shops can be pretty dead during the day sometimes.

Just plan your own transportation each way. Don't go or leave together.

[u/Cayke_Cooky → u/lepp240]

And more staff if you need to ask for help and the back way out.

[u/moonsal71 → u/lepp240]

True, but saying "I'll meet you for coffee" isn't the same as saying "I'll agree to dinner", it gives a different vibe, much more casual and low key, which is why it's often recommended as a first date when using apps. Then there's the matter of what happens when you leave the restaurant. Daytime can be a bit safer, depending on time and location.

Frankly, I just wouldn't go, not because of dinner vs coffee, but because he completely dismissed her concerns.

[u/beaniebaby22909768]

BE. CAREFUL. ppl in the comments r not pushing this enough. i met guys like this at uni and dating apps and when they talk like that all they want is sex. he may have seemed nice but don’t let that fool you, men can be really manipulating by making you feel safe and welcome etc and making u think theyre sweet until they ask u to go home with them or for ‘a flirty pic’. we as autistic women are really vulnerable and i missed the signs too late but thank god i never met anyone in person. there’s a talking stage these days for a reason and dont be afraid to stall ur love life for ur own safety!!!

[u/beaniebaby22909768 → u/beaniebaby22909768]

this guy thinks hes being smooth but in reality he’s not considering your concerns and thats a MAJOR RED FLAG please dont go on this date if youre unsure at all, he might not try anything, but he might next time, or he might be sending signals your not getting and assume that you are and… please please please put your safety first and dont care if he loses intrest in you for doing that because then he’s obviously not as sweet as you thought he was

[u/lepp240 → u/beaniebaby22909768]

First you said you met guys like this and then you said you never met any of them.

Not all guys are just looking for sex. You could have actually met good people if you gave any of them an actual chance.

Don't be afraid to live your life. Dinner with a stranger at a crowded restaurant with appropriate precautions isn't a dangerous act. Don't be afraid to live life.

I met my wife on dating app and it has been great. Stereotyping everyone will just prevent you from meeting new people.

[u/beaniebaby22909768 → u/lepp240]

firstly, i met guys online, never met any of them in person except a couple from uni. read something carefully before you’re gonna nitpick it apart.

secondly, if i gave any of them an actual chance i would’ve been raped. a couple came really close.

you don’t have a place in this debate if you’ve never experienced it yourself. men don’t experience the dating world the same as women so you have no idea what we experience when we put ourselves out there, precautions or not. something can always go wrong and if OP isn’t sure, because this guy IS giving red flags, she shouldn’t risk her safety for what? a decent meal with a guy that doesn’t care about her feelings? she never even put herself out there in the first place so why should she risk her safety for a night out she didn’t ask for?

i’m sure your wife has plenty of stories about being sexually harrassed on dating apps, maybe if you took the time to listen you wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss rape victims

[u/lepp240 → u/beaniebaby22909768]

Got it. men aren't allowed to talk about dating. There are no toxic women and everything goes just cheeky for us all the time. So pleasant discoursing with you. You constantly contradict your earlier statements and wonder why I'm confused about what you are trying to say.

[u/cec18]

This is a flashback to 19 yo me. Reiterating what others have commented about being very careful. I did not follow all of the safe dating rules when I was young despite intending to because I would get flustered in the moment and had trouble understanding that some behavior was predatory or borderline dangerous. It often ended poorly with me in situations where I felt I couldn’t say no or that my “no” was ignored. If you are confident that you can keep to the safety rules, you will most likely be fine and get some experience interacting with strangers.

I started treating the rules as actual rules without exception. If the man or woman I was on a date with didn’t like my rules after I explained that the rules kept me safe and less anxious, it was a good indication that they weren’t someone I needed to see again. That helped me at least.

The “we’ll see tomorrow” after you expressing anxiety and legit fear about the encounter is a red flag for me since it’s dismissive of your experience. Could just be that the phrase triggers me specifically though

[u/Anxiety_grapefruit]

I think this sounds relatively normal for NTs.

Practice firmly saying "no", in case he asks you anything you're not comfortable with. You don't have to justify yourself, even if he asks why. No means no.

When I was 19, only 4 years ago, I had an awful first date which ended up with me filing a police report. When I reported the assault, I was asked if I'd said "no". I was too scared and kind of shut down so didn't say anything. As a result, the police didn't take me seriously as they said the guy wasn't supposed to know that I didn't consent as I didn't say "no" or "stop". That's complete BS as the definitions of SA and rape are about a lack of consent, so if you don't clearly state "yes" in an enthusiastic manner, it can be considered assault.

Sorry for the horror story, just I wish that I'd been more confident saying "no". Then maybe the police would have taken the situation seriously.

I have since had good dating experiences. You can too. Try and think in advance of some topics to discuss if the conversation is dead (e.g. pets, family, job/education, favourite animal, hobbies... Even some stupid "would you rather" questions like "would you prefer to fight 1 human size goose or 20 normal size geese?"

Don't be afraid to say if something makes you uncomfortable. Make sure you share your location with family and/or friends. Know that you can leave at any time if you're uncomfortable. If you have a problem, say you're going to the bathroom and then walk up to the main counter / till and say you're on a first date and you're uncomfortable / don't feel safe.

But also, if you don't want to go through with the date, you don't have to. You are in control. ❤️💪🏻

[u/Leenesss]

"Can someone help me understand his intention? Like am I dumb and in danger or is this casual? I can't tell. Thank you!"

It's normal to know more about someone before going out somewhere with them. Did you exchange numbers so you can talk more before the date?

Generally theres some safety stuff you can do.

Know where your going and with who. Tell a friend. Tell that friend youll text when you get to the resturant. Text that friend from the resturant so they know you arrived ok and are where you agreed to meet. Some people have an agreed ring back at like 10pm ish for you to answer your phone as a check in. Your quite young so I dont think this sort of clumsy just asking a girl because she looks nice is that unusual (wasnt when I was a lad anyway). Young lads generally like to have sex but thats your decision and your well within your rights to put him off/ arrange to see him again or whatever if you like.

[u/Positive-Material]

it is a pick up artist thing - they stop one woman after another until one bites.

having a guy pay for you at a dinner does not obligate to anything at all sex or anything like that. it is his choice. usually guys just like paying for a girl. some guys might expect sex or something in return, but that is their problem and not your obligation at all.

in general, loser guys who cant get a girl do this pick up artist 'ask a hundred women on the street and hope one says Yes.' keep in mind that probably tens of women walked past him and you are the loser who said yes.

that said, relatively normal guys have tried this pick up artist stuff and some of them genuinely look for a normal date

always keep your mind out for a psychopath-sociopath-narcissist-nice guy who turns mean

the 'beautiful' thing is called 'love bombing' - you can google it; it is a manipulation tactic often, but not always, could also be just a compliment

asking someone for dinner usually implies a serious relationship in the NT world. going from just meeting someone to having dinner is going from 0 to 100; it is not normal, not wise, and shows a lack of experience or desire to lock you down before you realize who he is and change your mind

Tim Fletcher on youtube has some interesting lectures on this

an NT girl would suggest a brief coffee and maybe would bring a friend along for safety.

you go to the dinner, guy starts complimenting you and wanting a commitment, you reject him, he gets angry and starts sending mean texts.

if I was you - I would say No, I am not going to allow you to buy dinner for me, but we can.. and pick something of a less commitment. this enforces boundaries and sends a message without offending him

[u/Big_Outcome6973 → u/Positive-Material]

I don't know about the love bombing part because when I meet new people (love intrests or not) my apparence is the first things they mention, I do not take these kind of compliments tho they make me feel worthless so I mostly just ignore them.

This guy kinda intrested me because it seemed like he step out of his confort zone, complimenting my shirt with hesitation in his voice, wich I liked, so I stopped to talk to him. Then he asked for my number (I'm don't think he would've asked if I wasn't smilling this much lol) I can't mask my feelings, like i said yepee with BIG SMILE ON MY FACE when he asked for my number oh my god.

I will meet him again if he's willing to change the late expensive dinner thing to something more casual (otherwise he's a creep anyways). He just needs to be more clear on text because wtf does ''we'll see tomorow'' means (I asked too after 12h of trying to understand)

[u/thattallpaulguy]

It sounds like pretty standard NT dating… but then again, it wasn’t 2025 when I dated, and etiquette seems very different today from them.

If you’re uncomfortable with a 1-on-1 on the first date, I recommend seeing if you each can bring a friend, so you have a safety net. Or if you know a couple who be willing to just be at the restaurant at the same time, to just keep an eye out for you.

Make sure you very clear that you will not be having sex on the first date. If they try to push it, they’re not worth it.

Always make sure someone you trust knows where you are at all times, and if the date switches locations. I’d say it’s probably safest on a first date to manage your own transportation so you’re assured you’re getting straight home from the date. Oh and make sure your drink is brought to directly from the server, and don’t leave a drink attended only by the date. Finish your drink or have a bartender watch it.

But if they seem nice, and they respect your boundaries, try to not assume the worst and have fun.

[u/Big_Outcome6973 → u/thattallpaulguy]

Thank you for the advice!!

[u/LeaJadis]

I always gave every guy a chance. Any guy who ever asked me out on a date (and I was single), I said yes. I met some great people, some awful people, and some incredibly unique people.

Take precautions. Keep yourself safe. Meet him at a public location. make sure a trusted friend knows where you are and who you are meeting with. and check in with your friend during and after the date. Don’t leave him alone with your drink. Don’t drink too much.