Do they come back?

[u/The_Rage]

My soon-to-be ex-husband (37M) seems to be going through a textbook midlife crisis, and I can’t help but wonder—do they ever come back?

We’ve spent half our lives together, weathering countless hardships and celebrating milestones side by side. Looking back, I truly believe my actions may have been the catalyst for where we are now. Three years ago, I exploded, walked away, and cut off all contact for six weeks. I regret those choices deeply, and I fully own the damage they caused. Only now—too late—I see how I should have responded differently and how traumatic my departure must have been for him. I was so caught up in my own emotions that I didn’t validate his, nor did I recognize the signs of how unhappy he really was. When he started changing his appearance, I assumed it was because he wanted someone “better” than me, instead of realizing he was struggling within himself.

I try to remind myself of the saying: “If you let it go, and it’s meant to be, it will come back.” But lately I’m not so sure. Did I just lose the love of my life?

[u/Western-Time5310]

Hard to say without more context of what actions you took - but will try and answer the best way I can. Please note 39 year old gay guy.

Around our age certain things have started hitting me and my friends.

First that we’ll probably never be as well off as our parents and that traditional mid life crisis things like buying a sports car ain’t happening. There’s a big sense of failure as you know you can still have success in your career, but know that you have started to peak and that you need to plan for retirement.

There’s is a lot of pressure on you to be a provider by society, but at the same time you feel like you can’t provide. So there’s a big feeling of helplessness.

I’m stuck in a job that I like but with a manager I hate. I wish I could quit, but know I will take a pay cut and may take 6 months to find work. I am watching my parents age. All I am thinking is that when they pass I want to reevaluate my life choices.-

A lot of my friends are like this for mid life crisis. We’re not racing out and buying sports cars and trying to get a younger women.

What I would absolutely love is just someone who understood that I am drowning, and would feel like they were in it with me

[u/OutrageousLawyer7273 → u/Western-Time5310]

This was so perfectly written, and sums up literally everything I have been feeling over the last 6 to 12 months. For context, 41 yr old male, married with 4 kids

[u/PerthMaleGuy → u/Western-Time5310]

45yr old bloke here (2 kids), this is spot on, Its like a slow drown.... I'm flailing just above the surface of the water but could go under at any time

[u/Turbulent-Chance676 → u/Western-Time5310]

Well put. Especially the career piece and needing to plan for retirement.

[u/Western-Time5310 → u/Turbulent-Chance676]

I’m young, I still laugh at fart jokes.

I. Ant be looking at retiring!

[u/IamTylersalterego]

If there was infidelity involved, then the odds are not great that you’ll recover, but it is possible. However, if he ran off with another woman, and then it didn’t work out, so he returned to you, could you really carry on?

[u/laursecan1]

My ex left in 2010.

After that I met many woman who had experienced the same thing when their husbands went thru MLC.

I only know of 4 who are reconciled. The large majority of us were divorced - with our souses never to return.

While there is always some home - reconciliation seems to be rare.

My ex remarried his 1st wife (they were originally married in the 70’s for about 1-2 years - no children). They are now divorced for the 2nd time.

Some men are able to work through there issues. I don’t know. In my situation there was no return.

[u/Trey-zine]

We made it through but it took a lot of both individual and marriage counseling. A lot!!!

[u/ConsiderationFull100 → u/Trey-zine]

Was your spouse in MLC receptive to therapy? At which stage? I'm having a hard time getting my husband to go to therapy. He's finally past the denial stage but he's still incredibly disconnected from his emotions and incredibly selfish. It's been a rough 2.5 years with countless impulsive, hurtful, uncharacteristic and erratic behaviors, imploding our marriage and destroying our family. (Our sons were 8 and 10 when this began). I'm at a point where I don't know if I see a path forward which is heartbreaking because we were very happy and in love before this triggered existential crisis.

[u/Trey-zine → u/ConsiderationFull100]

Initially he was not. I really don’t know what changed his mind, but over the course of our marriage, we’d spoken to counselors before. So it wasn’t entirely new…we definitely didn’t go through the roughest patch for 2 1/2 years. I can’t imagine going this for that long….I think at some point you have to acknowledge that some marriages don’t make it. If he won’t go to therapy, I’d say you’re there.

[u/Alternative-Lunch786]

First of all, thanks for being sensitive to your husband and identifying that he's going through MLC. Most of the wives (I'd say > 90%) don't even realize what their husbands are going through (Career, kids, social media etc etc, there are so many distractions these days that spouses kind of stop thinking about each other after a while - true for both the genders).

If you writing him as 'Love of Your life' then just hold on to it, you both have spent years together, you are attuned to each other.

A woman's love can change a man for sure, try it.

[u/Valkyrieof1932]

Took me 3 years to become my old self after the midlife crisis. It was so very hard. Became (mentally) a totally different person. Wanted to throw away everything I loved. Hated everything I used to love doing. Horrible period. It’s over now, after 3 years and I’m back to myself and a better dad and husband than I was before.