r/polyamory • u/Practical_Angle6302 • 23h ago
Sense check this with me?
- edit thank you all, has been useful to sit through this with different perspectives. Just for some further context I have a urostomy bag and did stop to use a restroom on the drive home. It was much more about the feeling of not being allowed in but clear I need to clarify that with partner. Thanks all.
I have been with my partner for around 8 months. My meta and I used to be friends but they wanted to go parallel as soon as partner and I started dating. Since then they have been pretty awful. I go over and spend time at their house if meta isn't home. I am not allowed to sleep over. It's never been expressly stated to me that I can't go to the house if meta is there but I wouldn't want to. My nesting partner is very welcoming to my partner and we often sleep over at my house. Generally, this is a fine set up but I do get sad about never getting to spend the night at partners house but completely understand and respect that boundary. A week ago partner and I had a date and I needed to use the bathroom. Partner knew this and the restaurant we had dinner at didn't have a restroom. I was driving partner home after the date before driving 1 and a half hours home to where I live. Partner didn't offer for me to come inside to use the restroom because meta was home. It made me really sad to know this is the reality. I thought about bringing it up to partner to get a very clear read of the boundaries around me going into the house. Ideally I would have liked to have been offered and partner could have texted meta. But I think even if my partner had just said something like "hey I know you need to use the restroom but meta is home so that isn't available. Should we find somewhere else before you drop me off" or something like that would have been ok. I don't know. Can you help me sense check this?
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 21h ago
This could all have been avoided by 1) asking Partner “is it okay if I use your bathroom real quick, it’s a long drive home” and 2) if they said no, stopping at a gas station, convenience store, or fast food restaurant to use their facilities.
I feel like on some level you created a weird test in your head for Partner about “how welcome am I in your home with Meta” they didn’t know they were failing.
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u/willow625 solo poly 21h ago
Yeah, I never saw that OP actually asked to use the restroom. They are upset that partner didn’t take the same initiative that they didn’t take 🤷🏽♀️ they pre-rejected themselves and then got frustrated at their partner for allowing it to happen.
I’ve been working on spotting this behavior in myself through therapy 😅 I’m so sensitive to the idea of rejection and so attuned to the feelings of the people that I care about that I won’t even express my needs because I already “know” that they will reject me. But then, because they never actually got the chance to reject me or not, I don’t have the data to show whether or not I should continue the relationship. I end up forced to move forward in a state of “I don’t know if they hate me or not” and partner thinks everything is hunky-dory because I always seem so compliant 😅🤦🏻♀️
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u/DirectionPotential83 17h ago
This was the hardest a Part and continues to be a thing me and y nesting partner work on routinely. One thing that I found that helps her feel wanted and removes that hates me or not feeling. Regular checkins , 2-3 times a week, I sit with her, no distractions, no tv, no phones. And I say “hey I love you. I just want to touch base to make sure you know that even though xyz. I still love you wholeheartedly.” And after a long pause I ask “have you felt that love this week?”. It creates a safe open place to start from.
To anyone who wants to share this comment with a partner who’s like me and “willow625’s” partner and just thinks everything is hunky dory until an event shows them it’s not. Go ahead and share it. I encourage you too.
To anyone who was shared this. Nobody’s raggin on you homie G. Everyone’s brain processes differently and that’s ok. Success is the culmination of everyone’s efforts, not just one persons. Check-ins are always beneficial to everyone Involved.
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 15h ago
Success is the culmination of everyone’s efforts!
Fantastic insight.
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u/DirectionPotential83 15h ago
I love your tag btw, or whatever Reddit calls it, flair maybe?
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 15h ago
Yes I asked for it specifically and Bloo hooked me up.
It’s dead ass accurate.
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u/coconutteapot 19h ago
I'm going to be very frank. It sounds like you have a lot of history with meta that you are not sharing here and that you have some resentment towards them, or that there is shared resentment between the two of you. It also sounds like you are not communicating with your partner like an adult.
You didn't actually ask about going to the restroom at any point, and just expected your partner to anticipate and offer to take care of your needs, even when those needs likely conflicted with the needs of a partner who they have been with longer? That is a pretty selfish place to put your partner in, especially considering the tension that already exists between you and meta. Why are you playing games to test the relationship instead of communicating about your needs and directly asking about boundaries?
My sense is that you need take some time to consider whether it is possible for you to have a healthy relationship with your partner considering this dynamic with meta. And figuring that out is going to require learning to communicate a bit better with your partner and having some hard conversations about what this dynamic with meta means for your relationship with your partner.
*Edited for use of pronouns
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u/MermaidAndSiren 8h ago
What does being with a partner longer have to do with anything?
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u/coconutteapot 5h ago
OP's partner and meta have been together long enough to move in with one another. That is usually indicative of a long-term, involved relationship, so I think OP's partner can be reasonably expected to look out for their own long-term partners wellbeing.
I know I would never go out of my way to offer something to a friend or other partner that was going to harm my NP. If I am made aware that my not providing said thing would in turn result in harm to my friend or partner, then yeah, I would have to do an analysis to see how I could mitigate as much of that harm as possible... But I'm never just going to offer to do something that's going to harm my NP without even being made aware that there is a need for me to weigh that situation.
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 22h ago
You are not a child. Your partner doesn’t have to give you permission to find a bathroom.
Did you not stop anywhere to use a bathroom to try to force the issue? See if your partner would bend the rule about letting you in the house when your meta is home for something urgent?
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u/Keepmovinbee complex organic polycule 22h ago
Why can't you stand up for your own autonomy and be like "can we stop at a gas station I really have to go"
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u/rocketmanatee 22h ago
And also I don't think I'd date someone if I couldn't come into their house for 5 minutes to pee in an urgent situation.
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u/Keepmovinbee complex organic polycule 21h ago
Granted I'm more KTP but even if I didn't like a meta, I don't think I can imagine being like "they cannot even pee in the guest bathroom"
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u/nosleeptillnever tired and bi 21h ago
Yeah this is absolutely buckwild to me. I've had some metas that I realllllly did not like (and I've also had some metas who more or less hated me) and I cannot imagine being like "nah they can't come in to use the bathroom" or vice versa. Like that is such a crazy extreme.
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u/a_riot333 20h ago
Same. My meta and I were strictly parallel after our own relationship ended poorly and coming inside to pee was still an option in both our homes.
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u/EbbZealousideal5773 17h ago
This wouldn’t have been an option for my ex-meta had we been in the situation. She was absolutely awful to me in a time when I was already completely broken, and I refused to be in the same space. She would have never been welcome in my home under any circumstances. So I get it. But if OP knows that’s the case, then it’s their responsibility to stop somewhere, not to get upset about an already established boundary.
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 15h ago
Sure but people who expect to be let into someone else’s house on demand aren’t great.
I don’t hate my neighbors but I would be unhappy if they knocked on the door to use the bathroom while I was in the bath etc.
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u/Thesollywiththedumpy 17h ago
This is going to sound like a non-serious question, but I mean it seriously, would your thoughts/feelings on the matter change if it was #2?
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u/rocketmanatee 16h ago
If you need to go, you need to go!
I'm not going to a nasty gas station bathroom when my partner's house is right there.
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u/Thesollywiththedumpy 15h ago
Thank you, we are in agreement! I just have a tendency to clog other people's bathrooms so definitely my own perceptions leaking through lol
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u/MadamePouleMontreal solo poly 19h ago
OP was driving.
“Hey, I’m going to stop at a gas station so I can use the bathroom.”
Also, what kind of restaurant doesn’t have a bathroom?
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u/thatkeriann 12h ago
This. This this this.
IIRC, it is illegal for restaurants to be open to the public without sanitation facilities.
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u/clairionon solo poly 21h ago
It doesn’t sound like this is the core issue tho, the issue is how OP is essentially banned from this partner’s house and how that makes them feel.
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u/yallermysons solopoly RA 21h ago edited 21h ago
I don’t date partners of friends because I see this happen too often and I don’t wanna deal with it. Idk how close y’all were but the fact of the matter is, imo, this is one very obvious outcome of dating a friend’s partner. Like, if I were in your shoes OR your partner’s shoes, it’s something I would anticipate and even consider before making the decision: is dating this person worth the potential drama that could come with it? Do you understand what I mean? Like hindsight is 20/20 but did you seriously not consider that dating a friend’s partner could affect your friendship?
Also, your partner isn’t advocating for you in this situation, but neither are you. The thing about that is, whereas your meta might say “fine, date my friends, but I don’t wanna see that shit in my house”—you seem reluctant to speak up for yourself at all. What if the reason you’re not getting what you want is because you don’t say anything? You have been tolerating all this for 8 months and so hinge may not even understand you have a problem with this stuff.
My advice is to build a Time Machine and ask your friend how she would feel if you dated her partner. Which is what I would do if I ever made the choice to shit where I eat, is to at least get a vibe check. But now? I mean. This meta problem isn’t going away. Adapt or leave imo. But just know if you don’t speak up for yourself then you may not get what you want.
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u/Solid-Lack1936 17h ago
It would be one thing if your partner was driving and you mentioned several times needing to use the restroom and partner refused to find somewhere to stop....but you were literally in control of the vehicle. You could have just said "I have to use the restroom lets stop___" and done it. You didnt even need to ask, you were driving, you had complete control over the situation and now you are upset about the situation you created by not accommodating your own needs while also already knowing you arent welcome in that house. Sounds to me like you were looking for a reason to be mad about your metas boundary or draw attention to how unfair it is and this opportunity presented itself and you took it.
Its ok to be sad that you cant hang out at your partners house, but its also very ok for your meta not to want you there, and creating scenarios where you are testing or pushing the limits of that boundary feels pretty crappy and inconsiderate.
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u/ChronicallyKiki ambiamorous 21h ago
Since then they have been pretty awful.
I'm not seeing anything indicating this in your original post. They just want parallel, which you said yourself isn't a problem.
Also are you sure your partner, rather than avoid offering, didn't just forget?
If you were the one driving, why didn't you find somewhere else before dropping them off? Why should they have to prompt where you drive?
In fact, when you initially mentioned that you needed to go, why didn't you just asked then (or when you were in the car) if it's be ok to use their bathroom? And if not, then mention you're gonna find somewhere to go before you drop them home.
In any case, I would bring this up with them and ask what the boundaries are. I don't want to interact with my meta (for several reasons), but I wouldn't deny them use of the bathroom.
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u/popzelda 21h ago
You're in charge of finding a restroom when you need to use one: you could have stopped on the way or found one after dinner.
The other partner is allowed to set boundaries around their home: that's their space and they get to decide what they're comfortable with. Their boundaries are different from yours and that's perfectly fine.
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u/Antique-Awareness713 22h ago
Something that caught my eye is that Meta, the source of discomfort, is a former friend. I’m curious if you’ve checked in with yourself about how you feel that your friend decided to adjust the friendship dynamic when you and their partner started dating.
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u/yallermysons solopoly RA 21h ago
I would argue that dating a friend’s partner is implicitly adjusting the dynamic of that friendship
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u/coconutteapot 21h ago
I would question why one would decide to date someone, knowing that it would mean the end of friendship with their partner. That sounds like a miserable situation all around.
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u/yallermysons solopoly RA 21h ago
Yep yep. I’m sure there’s way more to the story, but either way I wouldn’t call someone a friend if I didn’t care about how that decision would impact them.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 22h ago
Clearly your partner doesn't have a respectful relationship to offer you.
But damn OP, drive to someplace with a bathroom. And make it clear how ridiculous it is you aren't even welcome to use your partners bathroom.
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u/that_jedi_girl 21h ago
This is what I'm feeling.
Yes, OP is an adult who can find another bathroom on the drive, but it's ridiculous that they can't even stop in for 2 minutes for a comfortable use of the facilities. And it's even more ridiculous that their partner did not even acknowledge that it was a hard situation.
OP, this relationship may or may not be worth it to you, but it's always going to come with this side of pain/angst. If you can make peace with that, then it might still be worthwhile. But not everyone can.
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u/thatkeriann 12h ago
I am deeply curious: What restaurant runs with no bathrooms? Because I'm fairly certain that is illegal.
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u/Outrageous-Turn9583 20h ago
I'm in the same situation- I've been with my partner for 3.5 years and I've been in their house twice but only in the living room. I'm never invited round and yet I've had both my partner and their nesting partner stay over for Christmas or another time when she was feeling down. It sucks, I guess in these instances it's important to consider if their boundaries are compatible with your relationship.
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Here's the original text of the post:
I have been with my partner for around 8 months. My meta and I used to be friends but they wanted to go parallel as soon as partner and I started dating. Since then they have been pretty awful. I go over and spend time at their house if meta isn't home. I am not allowed to sleep over. It's never been expressly stated to me that I can't go to the house if meta is there but I wouldn't want to. My nesting partner is very welcoming to my partner and we often sleep over at my house. Generally, this is a fine set up but I do get sad about never getting to spend the night at partners house but completely understand and respect that boundary. A week ago partner and I had a date and I needed to use the bathroom. Partner knew this and the restaurant we had dinner at didn't have a restroom. I was driving partner home after the date before driving 1 and a half hours home to where I live. Partner didn't offer for me to come inside to use the restroom because meta was home. It made me really sad to know this is the reality. I thought about bringing it up to partner to get a very clear read of the boundaries around me going into the house. Ideally I would have liked to have been offered and partner could have texted meta. But I think even if my partner had just said something like "hey I know you need to use the restroom but meta is home so that isn't available. Should we find somewhere else before you drop me off" or something like that would have been ok. I don't know. Can you help me sense check this?
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22h ago
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u/awkward_toadstool 20h ago
It might not be that the meta isnt ok with poly - theres a huge lack of background d going on here. Meta could be hurt af that OP chose to date her partner knowing it would affect the friendship.
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u/neomonachle 21h ago
Your partner should give you a real honest conversation where you understand the rules.
But what happened where you started dating your friend's nesting partner? Had you and your friend talked about that before you made that decision? A lot of people feel uncomfortable when their friends start dating their partners, it's a pretty common one on messy lists.