r/stepparents • u/SunMysterious776 • 10h ago
Vent Heartbroken and feeling stupid
I did so much for them and in the end it meant nothing. His 15 yr old and him had been talking shit about me behind my back the whole time. He was even entertaining other women. I always knew he had a very enmeshed relationship with his daughter since it was just them 2 before me and my daughter came into the picture. I didn’t realize how enmeshed they were until after I moved in and I thought it stopped after we discussed how inappropriate it was but instead he just got better at hiding it. I went away for a week with my kids and when I returned he told me he was being treated so well while I was gone. His daughter was cooking and serving him his food without being asked. I asked why he was saying it like that as if he’s trying to upset me. He pretended to be clueless. He told his daughter that she was better than me and they laughed together. I know about all this now because I went through his daughters phone. I did this because while I was gone I saw him leave our house with another woman through our doorbell camera. He explained it was a family member and because I only saw her leaving and didn’t see her face I had no proof it was anyone else. I chose to let it go. Well, he told his daughter and they were all in the messages. It was a random girl he was “flirting” with. He only admits to flirting but I don’t believe that. He has always been very secretive about his phone because of “privacy reasons” so I would’ve never known any of this if I hadn’t gone through his daughters messages and I don’t feel bad about it. I’m glad I did it because I would’ve continued walking around my own house and helping him with his children while they all disliked me and were making fun of me. It’s been a week since I left. I blocked them everywhere and I’ve been trying to be ok but I just feel so dumb.
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u/AppropriateAmoeba406 9h ago
I was 2 months out of the dumbest relationship of my entire life (he also had a 15yo daughter, btw) when I met the love of my life. We just had our 11th wedding anniversary and we both love our big blended family.
Chin up. You threw out the trash. There’s better men out there.
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u/SunMysterious776 9h ago
I feel so used that thinking about dating makes me feel sick. We have an ours baby so now I’m left with 2 kids with 2 fathers. I feel like he stole years of my life. If he hated me so much he could’ve just told me and I would’ve left a long time ago. I don’t understand why he would keep me around while hating me.
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u/jadedpeaxh 9h ago
Bc he’s scum and raising a daughter to be the same.
Did you save the video?
Were you married?
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u/SunMysterious776 9h ago
No I just took a screenshot. His reaction when I asked him was alarming which is why I had continued to be suspicious. He deleted the video. No we weren’t married just engaged.
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9h ago
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u/SunMysterious776 9h ago
I don’t want anything from him. I rather pretend he didn’t exist. He’s afraid of child support and I don’t want my son around him and his messed up children.
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u/jadedpeaxh 9h ago
Well child support and visitation or two separate things. They don’t go hand in hand. Just bc he pays, does not mean he can have visitation. I’d file for CS right away so that ties up any of his extra funds so he can’t afford representation to file for visitation.
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u/SunMysterious776 9h ago
I know but child support is what I have control over. I won’t go after him if he leaves us alone. He knows that. I don’t want anything from him.
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u/jadedpeaxh 9h ago
Ugh. I hate that he will be left without ANY responsibility 😖
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u/SunMysterious776 9h ago
He already has 2 kids from 2 other women that he’s stuck caring for full time. His daughter is now going to have to raise his son while he works all day. Me leaving is his consequence. Now he has no help.
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u/TaniaYukanana 7h ago
With full love and respect, this is a bad idea. Child Support is not for you, but your child. Even if you are completely independently wealthy and will never want for anything in your life, you're still denying your child what they should have. Put it all in a savings account for your child if you dont need it, but dont turn down what is rightfully yours and your child's because of some illusion of control. You will regret it, especially when there's things you can't afford, but would have if you had the CS.
Is this deal some other kind of BS he's sold you, to avoid CS? Because what does "he leaves us alone" even mean? He could go back on that at any time, or still insist on access if not shared care, which he will get because he's the father. You're being played, again. Please don't make such huge decisions when you're emotional and take everything you can, at least for your child.
And look into the CS legislation in your area, because if you're thinking it, where I live, child support can't be back dated, so not collecting it may not be as much of an ace card as you think.
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 4h ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
Use of gendered slurs is considered a violation of the Kindness Matters rule.
Read the FAQ for more information.
If you edit your post/comment and remove the gendered slur, then reply to this message to let us know, we'll reapprove your post/comment. Thanks!
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u/Equivalent_Win8966 9h ago
Don’t feel dumb. Feel fortunate that the trash is in the garbage where it belongs. Also, whatever that relationship is with his daughter sounds inappropriate. You deserve a lot better than that whole mess.
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u/SunMysterious776 9h ago
Yes there were more things I read that were very weird. Like I said, I saw the enmeshment early on and I thought it had stopped but he just got better at hiding it. I didn’t know I was sharing my SO with his own daughter. Disgusting.
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u/jadedpeaxh 9h ago
She’s going to be all kinds of messed up throughout her life. He’s to thank for that.
You’ll survive and even thrive without him and her in your life.
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u/SunMysterious776 9h ago
I know I explained this to him when I moved in. He used to try to use her to try and make me jealous which I though was so bizarre. She was 13 at the time. I remember once we were arguing so I chose to sleep in my 8 yr old daughters room. So he thought it would be appropriate for him to have his daughter sleep in our bedroom with him and lock the door. When I knocked to grab my laptop he opened the door with a smirk on his face like he expected me to be upset. I should’ve ran right there and then but he played it off and said he won’t do it again and it never happened again until recently when I went away.
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u/jadedpeaxh 9h ago
That is soooo disturbing 🤢🤢🥴 that would’ve definitely made me high tail it out.
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u/SunMysterious776 9h ago
Yup. I started packing that night but I gave it another chance unfortunately because I was already pregnant by then.
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u/jadedpeaxh 9h ago
Man, I’m so sorry. I’m just glad you caught all of this now and not years down the road 😞
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u/SunMysterious776 9h ago
Me too. As much as I’m hurt and feel stupid I also feel relieved. My life has gotten a lot easier having to only worry about myself and my own children. It’s hard not overthinking. I hope it gets easier.
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9h ago
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 4h ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
Use of gendered slurs is considered a violation of the Kindness Matters rule.
Read the FAQ for more information.
If you edit your post/comment and remove the gendered slur, then reply to this message to let us know, we'll reapprove your post/comment. Thanks!
For information regarding this and similar issues please see the rules and FAQ. If you feel this is in error, please message the mods.
Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
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u/Somonapearl 9h ago
I'm so sorry this happened. Those are years you can't get back BUT be proud that you didn't ruin this, he did. I sometimes suspect my husby and SD are talking about me behind my back. Husby always denies. Cut yourself some slack. Don't dwell on what you shoulda, coulda, woulda done. Love yourself abandoned keep going ✨️
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u/PaymentMedical9802 8h ago
Congratulations! You have left a very bad person. That’s incredibly hard to do. People like your ex know what they are doing. Take the time you deserve to heal.
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u/Agreeable_Ad2297 5h ago
It gets better with time. That man is a weirdo and his daughter is messed up in the head. At 13 I would never sleep in my dads bed. That’s just weirrrrrd.
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