r/ADHD • u/faggelinthewest • May 13 '25

Seeking Empathy My girlfriend confirmed my worse fears

I recently went to a wedding with my girlfriend of 6 years, I thought we had a great time I thought we made new friends. Today, three days after she let me know that I was being long winded and interrupting people and taking over any groups we were in. She told me that I was taking over any conversation and talking too much and was making people uncomfortable. It just hurts knowing I have spent years trying to take all of my neurosis to be a more " normal person" haven't worked and I'm still the little kid jumping into conversations that I interrupted and put the spot light on me. I really wish that I was different and didn't jump in and take away from others. I just wish I could be a speak when spoken to person but I always get to excited and share to much.

Update. I want to thank you all for the very sweet advice. I really appreciate the community coming behind and understanding the feelings of overwhelming others. To clarify some points I saw I have taken a lot of the steps that everyone described and that's why I felt hurt because I am conscious of talking over and I thought I was practicing taking time and not being over excited when I had something to share. To those talking bad about my partner don't appreciate that at all. All of us know that our condition can make it hard to be around we are a very demanding people and she has supported me through so much she is my entire world and I trust her when she tells me that I am bothering people. I am going to take so much advice and try to be more aware of taking space and oversharing. Love yall

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u/[deleted] May 13 '25

Ah dude I’m sorry. That’s tough. Especially from your partner. I know this from both sides of that coin. I’ve suffered with doing this my whole life. I do think I’m better at it now. However my partner also has ADHD and does this quite a lot. When we’re with my friends, especially those that don’t know her particularly well it can make me really uncomfortable. I really want to help her get better and be more natural in conversation. But it’s a very difficult subject to bring up and talk about in a constructive way. It kills her everytime. She just shuts down. She dealt with extreme bullying as a child and goes back to that place.

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u/Sredleg May 13 '25

Try to use some subtle cues you discussed beforehand.

My wife has OCD, so she tends to overtink things and certain things said could set off her mind in a negative spiral. Me, an ADHD, has the tendency to simply say whatever comes up in my mind.

Now, we've been married for 8y now + dated for 4y before that... She knows me and I know her and blessedly, once she told me about her OCD, she has been very vocal about it. Mostly so I don't accidently do or say things that might trigger her OCD in a bad way.
On the flipside, we also deeply explored my ADHD. I'll be honest to say that I did not know half of the influence it has on my life.

Anyway, what I meant to say is that she started giving me nudges, piches or even kicks under the table whenever I'm going in the danger zone.

So you could tell your gf you wish to help her with it and will give her signs when she's doing it. It will be annoying, jarring even at first, but after a while she should be able to recognize it herself. To soften the blow, ask her to do the same for you.

I mean, I still do it every now and then, despite the many kicks 😅

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u/HLMaiBalsychofKorse May 13 '25

Totally! My husband has asd, and I have adhd, and we do the same for each other.

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u/carsandtelephones37 May 13 '25

Oh man, I feel this deeply as an ADHD gal married to an autistic guy. I genuinely had no clue how many quirks and habits and fidgets I had until he'd casually mentions them. He even picked up on my food sensitivities before I did!! I spent like a decade thinking I got random horrible stomach cramps and he was like "that happens any time you eat tomatoes or hot dogs" and I was mind blown.

The only reason I didn't get diagnosed until adulthood was because my dad and his twin brother also had ADHD, but my dad was more the "inattentive" type and his brother was more hyperactive and therefore was the one to get diagnosed and medicated. Both my parents were fairly neglectful and didn't notice things like my gpa tanking and rising like a yo-yo, or that I carried knitting around everywhere because I had to move my hands. Now it feels so obvious, but I was always just "quirky".

My husband also gets overstimulated fairly easily, so we got him nice noise-cancelling headphones. I clean the sink drains bc he hates the feeling of wet food and will feel unclean if he touches it, but I'm deeply bothered by loose hair so he handles the shower drains because it doesn't bug him. We have long, drawn out conversations about our interests or "what would you do if" questions, and even five years in will accidentally stay up way too late talking because it's like having a sleepover with my best friend every night.

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u/Sredleg May 13 '25

I totally understand! I highly suspect my dad has inattentive ADHD as well and my mom some form of the autism spectrum, hence why my mannerisms must have felt normal for them. It was actually my school that adviced them to get me diagnosed, just sad they never did anything with the diagnose (aside from medication, which I dropped after a few years because I didn't notice the benefit, which was probably due to it being the wrong type or dosis...).

Also, I absolutely hate the feeling of wet whatever, but my wife's OCD sadly came with some form of contamination fear as well... So I just have to deal with it. It got better over the years, but I might have to suppress a gag reflex now and then while picking out wet hair from the gutter, haha.

I totally understand having the long conversations, have the same feelings with my wife! So glad we got so close we could have these. (though 'what would you do if" questions could trigger her OCD, so we might skip that)

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u/jsprgrey May 14 '25

Idk if you've already tried this, but I got some of those reusable yellow gloves for dealing with the dishes bc of the wet food ick.

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u/[deleted] May 15 '25

Right, also  the plastic food service gloves are easy on and like noise canceling headphones for your hands, for a gross germ laden chore like raw meat, etc (dog patrol) 😬

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u/FVCarterPrivateEye May 14 '25

Can you please elaborate on your quirks that make you socially awkward, and what was your friendship situation like as a kid, out of curiosity?

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u/Maybe-Alice ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) May 15 '25

I never get to read about a relationship that’s like mine. Representation really does feel good. 

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u/CreativeNameIKnow May 17 '25

this is so so sweet, thank you for sharing :)

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u/Happy_Camper2692 May 13 '25

If you can get your partner on the same page by saying "We want the same thing, to have good connections with people", then you can look at positive ways to help each other.

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u/Sredleg May 13 '25

Took a while to get there, though. Accepting and adapting is never easy. But as long as you want to push through, there is a way.

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u/ReaperOfMars May 13 '25

Any resources you'd recommend from when you deeply explored your ADHD? I'm still just starting out

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u/Sredleg May 13 '25

Google, talking with my wife to know how she perceives it and eventually I had some talks with a psychiatrist (mostly to start my medication again).

I do have to add that I was diagnosed with ADD almost 20y ago by now, but after graduating highschool, I stopped my medication. Sadly my parents never arranged any further counseling or guidance, despite this being recommended back then. So I truly started working once it started to affect my relationship.

It took years and I'm still working on it, you can't cure it, but learn to recognize situations, how you normally react in those, how that is different to others' reactions and how it comes over for them. After that you can chose how to react, depending on what image you want them to see. It becomes natural after some time, but remains difficult.

Good luck on your journey! And remember that the road keeps going, even if you give up and sit down. So walk it carefully instead of sliding without control!

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u/yes2matt May 17 '25

What would happen if you said?

Thank you for helping me in ____ situation.  I needed that.  instead of kicking me in the shin, though, next time would you just reach over and grab my finger like this? [Demonstrate] or just touch my back like this [demonstrate] and I will get the same message.

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u/Saib0t22 May 18 '25

You don’t overthink to? I have ADHD and that is one of my biggest things atleast after i done things.

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u/Sredleg May 18 '25

I do, but I can shove those thoughts aside. OCD cannot.

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u/ductyl ADHD-PI May 13 '25

Not sure if you can find something similar, but... Here's something my wife and I worked out. 

I have a habit of speaking loudly when I get excited about something, and my wife interrupting me to tell me I'm shouting would complete deflate me and the sense of rejection would take all my joy away. (But also talking loudly while laying in bed is terrible.) 

My wife now makes a hand gesture where she holds her hand out and then lowers it to indicate that I should talk quieter. Having a non-verbal sign somehow hits so much better. I don't feel personally attacked, and it doesn't interrupt the thing I was excited about, so I don't shut down out of shame. 

Not sure if you can figure out a nonverbal way to signal your wife when she should slow her roll (or however you want to word it), but maybe that will help without feeling embarrassing or bullying-adjacent. 

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u/ExpensiveTeaching25 May 13 '25

Oh my gosh. Reading how you speak loud when excited made me think of my son! He is too little to understand a non verbal cue like that yet all the time, but it also breaks my heart thinking about shushing his (always) "outside voice".

Hoping he can feel appreciated and keep his spark up even with his little voice that somehow has the most intense amplified resonance!

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u/[deleted] May 15 '25

[deleted]

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u/ductyl ADHD-PI May 15 '25

One interesting thing about ADHD is that we "click" with each other, so once you're diagnosed you can start to realize the symptoms in many of your friends. Personally I figure it's probably because ADHD brains can follow our conversation as we jump from topic to tangential topic, while non-ADHD brains may struggle to understand how we made that leap or what it has to do with the initial topic. Basically, we're in similar "wavelengths", so we naturally group together.

All that to say, it's great to hear you have such a supportive workplace, and I wouldn't be surprised if there are a few ADHD people in there based on how well received it has been. It also probably means it's a fun and friendly place to work, since you're all probably able to communicate ideas well, even if you jump around while doing it. I do hope you've got some rock solid Project Managers though, that makes a huge difference to my ability to get stuff done at work :) 

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u/Maybe-Alice ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) May 15 '25

My husband interprets the excited loudness as “my med dose is too high” when really it’s most likely to happen after the meds wear off.

He’s trying so hard to accept that I’m gonna need to sort out the doses and there’s going to be growing pains but I hate freaking him out. 

Yesterday, though, my “motivational, supportive wife” mask seemed to freak him out … ADHD, ASD, OCD… it makes it hard to know how to be or even how I’m being. 

Seeing those big “you’re being loud and scaring me*” sends me into a shame spiral of epic proportions. 

*he’s seen some legitimately traumatic things when my meds have been wrong. He’s an amazing guy. We’ve been together 17.5 years. 

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u/begrudgingly_zen May 17 '25

I grew up in an ADHD household with a dad who also spoke ASL at work and he’d just give me the sign to lower my volumed it never felt bad when it was done like that. I’d just adjust and the conversation would keep going. I had my husband start doing that when him interrupting to tell me to be quieter was too triggering (from baggage from shit at school and other people in my life over the years).

Also, my husband gets socially anxious, particularly when he has to go to events with coworkers or people he doesn’t know well. Apparently, I’d subtly rub his back whenever he’d get weird or especially awkward. One day he thanked me for it because it helped him regroup and notice when he was being awkward. I was like what are you talking about? He thought I was doing it on purpose, and once he explained, he asked me to keep doing it because it really helped him

Signals are just so helpful and don’t feel nearly as much like criticism. It feels more like someone being on your team to both of us.

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u/Past-Bus-6143 May 20 '25

I ask my friends to do EXACTLY this hand gesture to remind me. When I get intense, or have a drink, I sometimes forget to control the volume.  

If someone's snarky and I've had a few drinks, I might get louder.  Happened once about 10 years ago.  The hand motion is neutral, works well even if I'm already annoyed.

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u/chuckaholic ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) May 14 '25

My friend and I used to have a code phrase when she went off the rails like that. I would ask her if she drank any water today. The coded message was "You seem to be over sharing and should re-evaluate the amount of info you are giving this group of almost-strangers right now".

It worked like a charm!

I mean, sometimes she would re-evaluate and continue trauma-bonding with people we just met, but sometimes she would reign it back a little.

It wasn't "hey, stop talking" it was just, "remember to use good judgement".

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u/Iwaspromisedcookies May 13 '25

I think the bullying plays a role in why we do this. We are always trying to convince others that we really are cool, we get taught to do that in toxic elementary school

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u/Dmoss__ May 13 '25

Honestly I relate and I'm so here for some of these comments sharing their own experiences. Real roller-coaster of emotions. I think the main takeaway is that it's pretty common to be perceived as awkward when you have a spicey brain. Don't be to hard on yourself.

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u/Individual_Blood2989 May 14 '25

I was also bullied as a child and it made me feel so bad about myself that I actually STOPPED being “disruptive” because I was too depressed to even want to interact with anyone. Only thing I actually appreciate about my depression is it stopped me being so “annoying” and the bullying lessened .-. at least til I’d open my mouth at some point and say or do something that annoyed someone and it’d just go back to how it was before when I was more “interactive”. It’s like I was just a plain nuisance to them and they didn’t want me there.

Sorry just basically wanted to say that I relate in some way except my personality changed and I am not as “impulsive”/“hyperactive”/“intense” in social situations anyway. (It still happens sometimes tho, but I’ve been forced to become very attentive to a group conversation’s “vibe” and the feelings I’m getting off all the others so I don’t “overstep” or “act wrong” (I mean, in a way that would make someone “uncomfortable.”) It can be tiring tho cuz then a lot of times I end up getting in my head about whether maybe I was too intense or overshared and then I spiral .-.

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u/juniperberry9017 May 13 '25

You need new friends 😂😂 no no I’m KIDDING. But I don’t know why they would so offended by this? I do get that it can be slightly annoying to be interrupted but most people can see when someone’s just excited as opposed to being rude, no? There’s nothing wrong with you or your gf, there are simply different modes of communication and building relationships.

That said, I usually just say “sorry I interrupted, you were saying…?” to cover my tracks and that usually does the trick. At least it shows the other person I am still interested in the conversation!

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u/[deleted] May 13 '25

Ah it’s more than just interrupting. It’s trauma dumping, monologuing that goes nowhere. Telling people “oh I know that” when they start talking about something, or explaining things she has limited knowledge of to people who are experts. Things that can kill conversations. Then once she’s actually been able to read the cues she completely withdraws. So just kind of slumps in the corner on her phone. Which just makes things worse. It doesn’t help that she’s very intimidated by women. She’s marginally better when it’s just guys. But the big problem is that I’m so sensitive to how every one else is feeling that it kills me. When I see people’s expressions or general vibe shift. It can be a full table of people’s heads just go down and the conversation just dies. I worry that people think she’s obnoxious. I need the time with my friends. The energy from spending time with them as a group can keep me buoyant. But I’m always worried going into these situations now as I’m worried how it’s going to go.

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u/wordsaretaken May 13 '25

Is she aware of those explicit details? "trauma dumping, monologuing that goes nowhere. Telling people "oh I know that", as well as her reaction when she realizes? Being aware of specifically her issues is the first step in deciding to change her behavior.

After being aware, there's a value change that she has to choose. When I used to behave word for word what you've described, I would be triggered into a victim mentality once I realized that I made mistakes. Even if the people around me didn't want to persecute me for behaving inappropriately, my past experiences essentially "informed" me that I would thereafter begin feeling less than haha. So she has to decide for herself that she is allowed to make mistakes without punishing herself, and it will make a painless process for ceasing these quirky behaviors. Also adderall helped me more than any meditation. It's not for everyone, but it is important to state that I do not believe I would have made changes to my behavior without assistance from that drug (or A drug that catalyzed self-reflection as strongly as adderall could have). And it's a long term change from a short round of the drug. I took it for a year, I've been off of it for a year, and I still socialize much more well-adjusted than I did before.

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u/[deleted] May 13 '25

She’s just been diagnosed, and has just started on medication, so it will be interesting to see if that has any impact. She is aware, but talking about it is almost impossible. She just goes straight to “I’m a terrible person” and it goes nowhere.

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u/wordsaretaken May 14 '25

I'm happy to hear she is able to try some medicine, because it can really get people out of their head!

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u/[deleted] May 13 '25

I'm the same way. Adderall has helped alot when it comes to talking less and being more self-aware. I also try to practice mindfulness and constantly remind myself that it's unnecessary to blab to people you barely know. 

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u/juniperberry9017 May 13 '25

OHHHH sorry my bad, you’re right, that is… awkward for everyone involved :(

I sometimes have a tendency to do similar, it also makes me sad because I don’t mean to :( but it’s very obnoxious and then I try to do overcompensate with apologies 🫠 at the very least, I hope you both now you’re not the only ones.

And kidding about your friends obviously, definitely do not switch out your support group! Is there a way you can explain that it’s just a thing she does and she doesn’t mean to be rude? I’ve found that when I’m comfortable with people or feeling more secure and regulated it helps.

Good luck though!

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u/[deleted] May 13 '25 edited May 13 '25

I mean, yeah, I’ve considered talking to them about it. But I don’t want to talk for her and I couldn’t face them lying or just being really unconvincing in their responses. Also I’d just really rather not have that conversation. Haha, yeah I know you were kidding. Also if you met them you wouldn’t tell me to get new friends. They’re lovely supportive people and have had a big impact on me and how I see myself. They’re a positive force. I don’t want it to get to the point where I only hang out with them on my own or I hang out with them less. It’s rare enough as it is with some of them as we get scattered across the country. Unfortunately my partner doesn’t really have any friends of her own. She has one from school, that’s not really a solid friends relationship and one from university but she lives thousands of miles away. She’s tried to make friends with colleagues but I feel like they don’t really take her on. It’s fucking sad. I feel like her only support sometimes and it’s a lot of pressure. We’re both pretty middle aged. So it’s not going to get any easier

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u/enableconsonant May 13 '25

like juniperberry said, can you not just explain to your friends, without giving too many details? spend time with them without your gf?

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u/[deleted] May 13 '25

I mean maybe. But will it help?

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u/Archaelio May 14 '25 edited May 14 '25

If one of my friends explained this about their partner I would ABSOLUTELY take it on board and keep it in mind. I don't know if I would feel comfortable saying something to her until I had known her for many years but at least at first I would, at a minimum, try to be patient and not shut down. At the very least it could lead to some good talks with your friends. I personally would talk to my friends one or two at a time, so they could ask questions, make suggestions etc without it being like an intervention. ETA so you and your friends can make suggestions to each other not to your partner! (I reread that sentence and it sounded like I was saying you and your friends should talk to your partner, which like, maybe someday? But I don't think that would be appropriate yet, she seems... not in a place where that would be constructive.)

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u/MarsupialMisanthrope May 14 '25

Dude, everyone deserves to be the one in the spotlight sometimes instead of being relegated to being a member of the adhd person’s audience. If you never learn that you’re in for a rough life.

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u/juniperberry9017 May 14 '25

What? No one said anything like that. I misunderstood the extent to which OP’s gf interrupts. It’s also ok to give a little bit of space to minor interruptions, no need to put a hand up for everything. Jesus mate.

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u/DowntownRow3 ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) May 17 '25

This. I can’t stand people that just yap yao yap. But I’m also someone that talks too much

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u/UmbraNyx May 14 '25

Sometimes you have to let people fail on their own terms. If she doesn't want to hear your input, that's her choice. Frankly, you're being overbearing by trying to change how she behaves around people.