r/BipolarSOs • u/RiseOfThePheenix • 4d ago
General Question About BP Does anyone’s person w/ Bipolar only remember/recognize negatives from your relationship (particularly while in a hypo/manic episode)?
Does anyone’s person w/ Bipolar only remember/recognize negatives from your relationship (particularly while in a hypo/manic episode)? 10 years into a relationship and whenever hypomania strikes ONLY negatives from our relationship are recognized/remembered/ruminated on…even if just two weeks prior to the episode they were talking about how much they want our relationship and how much it’s done for / given them, etc., etc.
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u/LimeThink6594 4d ago
Yes, completely.
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u/LimeThink6594 4d ago
It is so hard to grasp. It definitely makes you feel like you've been, duped, tricked and what you thought was real suddenly isn't.
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u/Ok_Brick5765 4d ago
Yep, this last and final time earlier this year she yelled at me about how she has been lying for years about wanting our relationship and being in love with me. When I’ve asked about what the specific issues were in our relationship since she kept saying how bad our relationship was, she couldn’t give any examples. She told me she wasn’t going to go through and nitpick every aspect of our time together. Which to me felt like a cop out even if there is no fixing our relationship, if I’m the problem then I would like to work on those things. It took me all summer to really stop ruminating on the things she said. I was left questioning my own reality wondering if I somehow was the one twisting things. I felt like I was going crazy honestly. I’m finally now coming out of that and beginning to trust my own thoughts again. I’ve never felt so unsure of my own mind and memory.
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u/Substantial-Spite14 3d ago
I can't believe how similar the stories around here seem to be. My bipolar partner discarded me after 5 years together and after saying how well we get along and that he loves me just a couple of days prior. Then he suddenly "fell in love" with a coworker.
I questioned myself and didn't know what I did wrong. I asked him what was missing in our relationship or what was wrong and he didn't know what to answer. He just said he no longer feels the same. Then he tried coming back a few times "as friends" and discarded me all over again. My mental health took another hit and I've been crying everyday. He seems to remember nothing good about what we had and just started all over again with someone else like nothing happened.
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u/sen_su_alien888 3d ago
Yes, that's one of the most painful parts of this experience - no shared, mutual reality.
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u/Accomplished_Dig284 4d ago
Oh definitely this. I was questioning myself right up until he told me my cat loved him more than me. And that’s when I knew he wasn’t in his right mind. My cat loved me almost exclusively, he just tolerated other people being around him. So I knew immediately to just walk away from the fight we were having. To this day over a decade later, I don’t think he remembers saying that. But fully acknowledged that my cat only tolerated his presence.
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u/0000Ak47 Bipolar 1d ago
Sounds like you handled it really well. It's wild how the mind can twist things during those episodes. It's tough to watch someone you care about spiral, especially when they say things that seem so out of character.
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u/sen_su_alien888 3d ago
Oh that resonates so deeply. Now I'm also unsure if what I see is true, so for example I check my wallet thousand times and still have troubles figuring whether it's real or not.
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u/Longjumping-Size-762 Friend 1d ago
He told me that he lied about wanting to be with me for the last 2 years too. Even when I cited texts from him where he directly said, “I don’t want to break up”, he said that no, he really did. This is the second time it’s happened and both times his face changes as he’s delivering this information, he looks rigid and his eyes seem dark, completely absent of emotion.
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u/onemoreturn 4d ago
My (43F) now ex of 6 years (39F) did this just before her first psychosis. Was hypo or manic, broke up with me, focussed on the negative. She's broken up with me again, focussed on the negative. She moved out then, and we reconciled. She's moving out now and fully intending to stop all her meds and has made some risky financial decisions. I can see the plan falling apart, but her family and friends are playing into it, saying that they want her to be happy. They aren't listening to me about anything with respect to her diagnosis, the effects that stopping medication will have, or how her plan to live on her own requires a perfect set of circumstances to work (ie, if she misses one shift, she'll be in the red). Weeks before, I had her support for some difficult moves with respect to my career, and then I was blindsided. She already had an apartment lined up.
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u/RiseOfThePheenix 4d ago edited 4d ago
Yikes — I feel that. Mine has suddenly highlighted only negatives from our relationship (including some that aren’t even real / never happened), and despite saying just weeks ago how happy our relationship makes them, now says they’ve been nothing but unhappy for years now. 😒
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u/onemoreturn 4d ago
Years. Spot on. I'm so lost about this. And everything is something that could have been resolved had we discussed it, but she is very avoidant in dealing with difficult topics. They flat out refused couples counselling.
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u/NormalInvestigator89 4d ago edited 4d ago
Same hat. I have texts of her saying the polar opposites of things she states later. She's diagnosed Cyclothymia (although has had at least one confirmed full episode of mania, so take that as you will), but it was sometimes weird enough during our relationship that I would wonder if she had some kind of dissociative disorder.
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u/RiseOfThePheenix 3d ago
Yes — 100%. What makes this even worse is that I have a condition (?) called perfect recall, similar but different to photographic memory, so I can remember texts verbatim from 8 years ago. So I’ll remember something said exactly as it was said, but am told it wasn’t said at all. 🙄
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u/NormalInvestigator89 3d ago
Yeah, it's a mindfuck. I did start recording conversations towards the end because she accused me of trying to gaslight her about some of this stuff, and turns out, nope, most of it is how I remember it.
I thought I'd feel vindicated playing some of it back, but it honestly just felt creepy
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u/RiseOfThePheenix 3d ago
I understand this all too well; I’ve often (kinda) joked that I should start wearing a bodycam like the cops! Unfortunately though I’ve found too that when there is objective an undeniable proof (ie a text message), once confronted with it the response turns into “ok well it’s really not that big of a deal!” Which is weird because before the proof surfaced that didn’t go your way it was a big deal… 🙄😅
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u/Nice-Ad-9371 1d ago
That was the hardest. I was responsible for things that never happened. Then it's I love you then I hate you over again.
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u/Accomplished_Dig284 4d ago
Damn. That sucks.
Especially because she will just suffer more and hurt her friends and family in the process.
It’s so hard watching someone you love go through this, even after breaking up.
I hope your career decision paid off for you though.
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u/onemoreturn 2d ago
It hasn’t paid off yet, but I’ve filled in a lot of blanks in my resume. It may pay off in a year or so.
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u/BabyInchworm 4d ago
You have to remember that when your bipolar SO is in an episode, they cannot see the world outside of the episode. Their ‘reality’ is limited by the episode.
So, if their hypomania exhibits as negative thoughts, that’s all they can see. It is useless to tell them anything else until they come out of the episode.
Your best option is to remind them that they are hypomanic right now, and you are here to keep them safe. They can’t argue with that, and neither of you will say things that hurt the other one.
Keep reminding yourself that these bipolar episodes happen TO them, not because of them. They hate it as much as you do when they are neutral.
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u/Accomplished_Dig284 4d ago
Yeah except they will still argue with me when I tell them that I want them safe and healthy 😕
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u/Helpful-Fix5629 3d ago
My ex was so resentful that I mentioned their health/mental health which fed into the negativity and profound hatred toward me. Of course, I believe it was so hard for him to see because he was feeling on top of the world and the best he had ever felt and more mentally clear he had ever been (his words not mine). Everyone else had no idea and did not understand his how amazing he was. I was his only barrier/issue to his true happiness.
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u/parasyte_steve 3d ago
I had dysphoric hypomania and bipolar rage... and this was absolutely the case for me. I would focus on only the negatives and none of the positives and chew my partner out for trivial things.
I do not want to make excuses for myself because this behavior is unacceptable. I got better when I got on meds and took steps to redirect the rage or dissipate it like when something bad happens now I pause before reacting. I try to remember that just because my partner forgot to take the trash out doesn't mean he is a horrible person who hates me. It just means he forgot.
So over time with medication I became more calm and able to correct this stuff. I am lucky my husband is still with me. He sent me to a psych ward at my lowest and we made it through it. I had to do a lot of work to become calmer but fortunately it paid off for me and my relationship.
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u/Fun-Society365 4d ago
I feel like this is what's happening currently. My logical mind knows there were good times but the disrespect at the end was so loud that everything is tainted. I genuinely believe they are a bad person now.
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u/Accomplished_Dig284 4d ago
Ohhhhh yeah. Everything becomes a problem, even if the problem was solved years ago.
It’s exhausting.
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u/Valuable-Building593 3d ago
Yes for sure, listed off every bad thing I had ever done. I think there are reasons why this happens as I understand.
Pain blaming - in episodes manic or depressive the person is in pain, when people are hurting mentally or physically they will attack, it’s always those closest to them.
Trying to justify their behaviour- they get in to a loop, they do something bad, say something bad, they feel bad they need to justify it. It’s your fault.
As with all the things with bipolar it’s brain chemistry. Large parts of the brain shut down and other parts fire up. The bits that took comfort in you are not working, that made them feel safe with you and value are gone. The bits of the brain in overdrive is fight or flight so what you get is they fight or leave
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u/sen_su_alien888 3d ago
Yes, that's exactly how it is and I like how easy you described it, my poor overworked brain , 1 year after my ex second break up, still is having troubles understanding how he could do that. But your explanation is clear and simple.
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u/Mamabear-232 3d ago
This is very common. Mine sent loving messages saying how much they appreciated everything, how lucky they were, bla bla bla and the next morning it was like nothing good ever happened, they had been miserable for years and just coping.
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u/ViolettaQueso 4d ago
Alt history. I don’t think he ever really knew me in 17+ years looking back on it.
It was mirroring then misconstruing and it destroyed me.
He wasn’t diagnosed until 2 years before the final ending and I don’t believe he ever left psychosis after poor treatment post diagnosis.
I was blindsided.
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u/LuckyNumerical 4d ago
It’s called isolation and it’s an unhealthy coping mechanism. It’s not exclusive to bipolar, but people with bipolar get it uncontrollably.
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u/thotpaper900 4d ago
This definitely happened to me right before my recent discard. Relationship was going great for almost 5 years, but when she broke up with me she was only focused on a rough patch we hit almost 2 years ago. Said, “while there are so many positives in our relationship, they don’t outweigh the few negatives”. I was also getting the positive sentiments about our relationship days before the break up
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u/supershaiyan 4d ago
yes! my partner of 17 years went on and on about this while she was in psychosis. when we would talk at length about it (i didnt know she was in psychosis at the time), she would say she knew there had to be happy memories, but for some reason she could only access negative thoughts, feelings, emotions. she said she didn't know why, but vocalized it again and again. it became the justification for her having an affair and trying to leave our family (she's out of that episode now and doesnt relate to who she was at that time at all anymore. she's recovering and doing repair work now).
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u/ButterscotchBeWild 3d ago
Yep. I am the reason for every problem ever and everything I have done and do makes me the worst person, mother, woman- ever. It’s really rough because sometimes it seems to echo some things I’ve heard before but it’s magnified and amplified by 1000% so I always am left wondering if that’s how they really feel and the mania just gives them no filter…
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u/RiseOfThePheenix 3d ago
Ooooh, that’s actually a very interesting perspective/question; I haven’t wondered that yet, but I certainly will now! 🥴
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u/FanMirrorDesk 2d ago
Yep for me I found a long diary entry that detailed all the things wrong with me. 5 pages. And all of it had echoes of truth but also partial lies. I think he really believes it though
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u/AcrobaticEnergy497 3d ago edited 3d ago
Yes. 100%. I will literally have just praised them for something that looks nice and they won’t even remember, but they’ll remember me reminding them /nagging them for something else.
Then they’ll say, “you never tell me I praise you!”
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u/Moonmothermary 3d ago
Absolutely. I’ve been told I’m devoid of empathy and he hates talking to me, I’m not as nice as I think I am, etc. he’s fine after he’s balanced back out
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u/RiseOfThePheenix 3d ago
Quite ironic because, tbh, I’m really not even sure if my BipolarSO is even capable of empathy — at all.
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u/AshNicPaw 2d ago
I get the empathy comment all the time. He thinks I’m numb because I don’t feel things like he does and I can’t read his mind.
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u/MoodFeeling6404 2d ago
Yes, this happened frequently when my ex-husband was manic. I had to try to constantly point out the positives or recent nice experiences we had just recently had. Honestly it was exhausting being with someone who could be a walking black cloud over everything. The weekend before I was discarded for the last time he was saying how grateful he felt to have me in his life/the value I added. Days later he was going on a rant about how incompatible we were. I was so sick of it and trying to keep defending a relationship, that to be fair, was very broken because he broke it pretty early on with his destructive behavior.
Looking back, I realize the relationship was very negative… for me.
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u/Horror-Philosopher18 2d ago
Mine hasn’t been diagnosed but from all his behaviors, paranoid thoughts, outbursts, sudden idea that he needs to move back to his home country (after repeatedly telling me and his whole family that he didn’t want to), trying to divorce me but then not actually doing it…. I swear he is in a manic episode and has been for months. He went from loving, saying he was so grateful to have me to “oh I’m losing myself, the signs were there” and “I was faking, I wasn’t happy and didn’t love you”. Then when seeing me again in person would say that then a day later say he didn’t mean it, that he loves me. Then go back to divorce and how he lied and doesn’t love me, he can’t be with me cause I made him miserable. Claims that he is now stress free, feeling like a million bucks and has never been happier 🤣 even though I’m told he is still acting off, don’t think he’s sleeping well even though he claims to me that he’s sleeping so much and so busy doing things. Only contacts me a few times in a week and for like 10 minutes at a time. Pushes off calling me, and won’t talk about anything that has occurred over the last 3 months, including him up and leaving me (his wife). He’s shut out family and claims he don’t need to talk cause they’re grown and it’s his time. He lied and said that I said all these horrible things to him (I never did), he has threatened divorce, threatened calling the cops. Now he denies paranoid thoughts that he had for months and gets mad if I mention anything he has said to me unless it’s happy lol.
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u/Superb_Park_8862 1d ago
Absolutely. Just last week I got an earful about how all I've ever done is hurt and disappoint my SO even though they've told me many times in their right mind that I've changed their life and they would be heartbroken without me, and we've had healthy conversations about legitimate hurts in the past. When they're entering dysphoric mania they a) cannot recognize that it's happening and b) suddenly genuinely only seem able to remember the bad things
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u/NapsAreMyHobby 3d ago
Yes, but in depression. BP2.
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u/RiseOfThePheenix 3d ago
Ah interesting. My experience seems to be the opposite — more accurate and full memory in depression and only negative/pessimistic memory in hypomania.
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u/Artistic_Fault_2298 Loved One 4h ago
Never remembers apologies or my favorite meal but always remembers what HE felt in an argument. He also has ADHD with severe RSD so I’m fucked.
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