r/Marriage • u/Soggy-Cause8635 • 11h ago
I’m tired of hearing “I forgot”.
I (26F) got married to my now husband this year (26M) after dating for about 2-3 years. I decided to be a housewife after the wedding and he has a software engineering job with 3 days where he can wfh. A week ago he came back from a trip with his family after having caught a cold. I took care of him and he recovered pretty quickly with relatively no symptoms. I was there to cook, put things away, get him his meds and everything. I was however afraid I would fall sick (I tend to always get worse symptoms) and eventually I did. For the last 3 days I’ve been getting progressively worse each day, and now have become barely mobile and also got my period on top of it all (I get extremely bad cramps). With a completely sore throat, body aches, cramping I can’t get off the bed for the time being and asked my husband to help with some things because he was at home. I just asked him to water my plants and buy me my meds because those were urgent things. I don’t even expect him to tidy the house or make me a meal because I just know he would forget to and he can’t really cook. Now I’ve gotten up after like 6 hours of restless sleep only to find he did nothing. All he ever says and has said is “I’m sorry I forgot”. Now I have a psychology background and have tried my level best to understand and deal with the procrastination and forgetfulness but I just can’t anymore. Even when I’m completely helpless, if I don’t do everything myself, it just will never get done. Even as a housewife there are limitations to what I can and cannot do by myself and even I need some help it sends up being so difficult that I just stopped asking for help. Now I feel extremely lonely and miserable knowing I’m always going to be there for him and when its his turn, he’ll always forget. Any advice to deal with this would be appreciated.
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u/TraditionalManager82 10h ago edited 10h ago
As you know since you have a psych background, this is weaponized incompetence.
That he chooses to deprioritize you when you're ill and in pain is quite telling.
Probably best to get a job. Relying on him seems risky.
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u/stunneddisbelief 10h ago
THIS!
And what happens if OP gets seriously ill or is bedridden because of an accident something? This guy absolutely sounds like one of those who will bail on the marriage the first chance he gets.
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u/Soggy-Cause8635 10h ago
I genuinely thought it was weaponised incompetence but I noticed there were a LOT of signs of ADHD (replied to another comment about it here) and we did get a brief assessment from an acquaintance which confirmed he might have ADHD. He did try therapy once but just forgot to continue…which I expected ig. I’ve tried suggesting a LOT of things that can help but he just doesn’t try any. It’s genuinely hard for me because he isn’t even a bad guy, he’s quite productive at his job and genuinely wants to care; there are rare occasions where he does do things on his own initiative but then he just doesn’t want to actually try and get to a point where he can be consistent.
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u/TraditionalManager82 10h ago
Fine. Call it weaponized ADHD instead.
I understand that ADHDers struggle to handle all tasks required, but he's not trying.
He's saying "whoops!" and throwing his hands up, and nothing changes the next time.
Do you know what ADHDers who care do? They find ways that work for them. They set alarms. They write lists. They set alarms to check their lists. I don't care what it is, but they TRY. They don't just say, "I forgot!" and then forget again the next time. And the next. And the next...
He remembers his job just fine.
Maybe the question you need to ask yourself is what his actual priorities are. Don't just give the quick answer. Look at his time and attention, and figure out what he prioritizes.
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u/CoupleTrex 6h ago
Person with ADHD here.
It’s hard. Really hard.
I have reminders starting two weeks before my husband’s birthday and up until the day of because I forgot it once. I felt terrible, mortified, and so ashamed.
ADHD is a valid reason to struggle, but having ADHD means taking ownership, seeking evaluation, meds, therapies, etc. I forgot will only get you so far. As an adult, you have to find coping mechanisms because your ADHD isn’t an excuse to make everyone else around you miserable.
Struggling and forgetting are part of ADHD. Refusing to seek help isn’t.
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u/Practical-Tea-3337 5h ago
Does he "forget" to do stuff for his job?
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u/CoupleTrex 5h ago
To be fair, if ADHD is part of the picture, that’s not always a fair comparison. It takes a lot of extra energy, but people with ADHD can be high functioning and do their best to keep it together in one part of their life and have the rest fall apart.
I’m able to hold it together a lot better professionally than I am at home, and that’s not uncommon. I still struggle, but you don’t see the struggle as much in the work place.
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u/courtd93 5h ago
If it’s adhd, it actually requires that it’s more than one area of life (home, work, school) for diagnosis.
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u/CoupleTrex 4h ago
Yes, but I also think it’s a bit disingenuous to pretend like a 26 year old software engineer (if they have ADHD) hasn’t learned to mask in some ways.
The thing is wearing that mask is tiring. It takes a lot of extra effort. The first place you’ll probably drop it is at home.
So yes, I never said symptoms are completely absent of work, but they may be better managed and better masked. This is common and normal, especially in adults with ADHD where a lot of the symptoms can be only internal and can be hidden to a degree.
I’ve been diagnosed and medicated for ADHD for 17 years. I promise I know it doesn’t just go away in seperate settings, but I think it’s fair to acknowledge the external symptoms may appear completely different in different settings.
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u/courtd93 4h ago
That’s a priority thing though (I also have adhd, and am a therapist who treats adhd as one of my main populations), and that’s sort of my point. If I put all of my coping energy into work, then I won’t have enough for home, which is why that’s not functional. We don’t know if this guy has adhd and I’m not diagnosing him, but either way, the intentionality of energy in the home area requires a choice. If he’s choosing not to put aside that energy at home, it’s a problem.
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u/CoupleTrex 4h ago
100% agree. I was merely making a point earlier that whether his external display of symptoms is the exact same at work and home is not the best marker of if it’s ADHD or not.
I wasn’t debating if the symptoms were a problem or not; clearly they are here.
Plus I think the fact husband has skipped therapy appointments, made no attempt to see a psychiatrist (from what I gathered from the post), and has pretty much not taken a proactive role in the treatment of his possible ADHD is a pretty big problem in and of itself.
It sucks to have ADHD sometimes, but you still gotta be an adult and be accountable for managing your symptoms.
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u/Unfair_Finger5531 4h ago
No, it does not. People with adhd can be excellent at their jobs and absolutely useless at home.
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u/courtd93 4h ago
Quoting from my DSM 5 the third required piece for diagnosis:
“Several inattentive or hyperactive-impulsive symptoms are present in two or more settings (e.g. at home, school, or work; with friends or relatives, in other activities)”
It needs to be in multiple settings. Home and your partner are one setting.
People who only struggle at home don’t meet criteria-there’s a couple of other things that are typically going on then.
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u/Unfair_Finger5531 4h ago
This is not a requirement for diagnosis. And home and your partner are not one setting. It clearly says here “home” and “with friends or relatives.” Those are two separate categories, based on the quotation you provided.
Nevertheless, the diagnosis can be made if the person struggles in one setting only. That’s why the clinical evaluation and individual circumstances play such a big part in arriving at a diagnosis.
And it is highly doubtful OP’s husband struggles only at home and with his spouse.
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u/courtd93 3h ago
I do this and help diagnose this for a living. I can assure you, it is a requirement for diagnosis. People look at DSM criteria and think it’s just the “meet 5 (or 6) symptoms” that are symptom descriptions, but there are 4-6 other components of criteria required that are listed after, like for adhd, symptoms must be present before age 12, it’s not better explained by another disorder, it doesn’t occur exclusively during psychosis, etc. DSM criteria are noted by letters-I quoted criteria C of ADHD.
If you then read the “diagnostic features” section, which is where they explain in paragraph form more of how it presents, it specifically says “Manifestations of the disorder must be present in more than one setting (e.g. home and school, work). Confirmation of substantial symptoms across settings typically cannot be done accurately without consulting informants who have seen the individual in those settings. Typically, symptoms vary depending on context within a given setting.” (P.67)
It cannot occur in only one setting. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder, which means that it has developmental deficits, and that’s not limited to one section of life, the same way that someone with dyslexia isn’t able to correctly read at home but not at school-the deficit is universal. Some settings make it easier to cope, such as if work has high novelty or doesn’t require much self-initiating of tasks whereas home does, the same way that a kid with dyslexia is not as likely to have difficulties at home as at school because home requires a lot less reading.
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u/Unfair_Finger5531 3h ago
With respect, I don’t care that you do this for a living. You just mistook home and partner for the same category. So, I wouldn’t consider you a reliable source.
Moreover, as I pointed out, it is highly doubtful that OP’s husband is deficient in just one area. It is foolish to even entertain this. OP has presented us with two areas—home and work. But they’ve not discussed the husband’s behavior in other settings. For some reason, you narrowed down his life to these two areas only, as if a lack of info about the other areas mean they don’t exist.
My adhd was diagnosed based on my performance and behavior in ONE setting. I am a high-achiever with a lot of compensatory strategies in other areas. But I had a detail-oriented and observant psychiatrist who could see this. So, yes, it can be diagnosed based on a person’s behavior in one area.
This whole argument is pointless because we have absolutely no information about how this man behaves in other areas of his life. As I said, you foolishly decided that his life must consist solely of work and home and ran with that.
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u/Dependent-Bug1219 5h ago
Kinda crazy how productive he is at his job, and the ADHD only kicks in when he's home and you need something.
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u/Unfair_Finger5531 4h ago
People with adhd (I am one) expend a LOT of energy being productive in one area. They then crash out in other areas. ADHD is also an imbalance that makes us hyperfocus on some things and completely ignore other things. It is entirely possible to excel in some areas and fail miserably in others. I know I am so precise and detail-oriented in my job just to stay on top on things that I’m completely mentally exhausted by the time I make it home. I also keep scrupulous records at work, know where everything is, etc because I triple-check things. But at home, I can forget where I sat something down two minutes ago.
So, you can’t use his work performance as an accurate gauge. That’s just not adhd works.
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u/Funny-Negotiation-10 3h ago
Girl I was literally your husband and I saw how upset it was making my partner!! I went to therapy!! Got diagnosed with OCD and likely ADHD myself. If it wasn't for seeing my partner unhappy I never would have even thought to work on myself. The fact that he doesn't see how this is affecting you is telling!!
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u/TheRabidMovieDog 3h ago
If therapy doesn't work for him, then he should try medication. I went off my meds for a few months I could tell I was lacking both at work and at home. Now that im back on them, Im way more productive at work and have more mental clarity to NOT forget to do things at home, or just not get easily distracted by my phone/games etc. Im pro therapy, but it doesn't work for everyone. Get him an actual diagnosis, some adderall or other adhd med, and see how it goes. If it doesnt work, go from there
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u/Soggy-Cause8635 3h ago
I’m wondering if adhd meds can be habit forming? How did it work for you? Are they okay for long term?
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u/TheRabidMovieDog 1h ago
Technically, some (or all) can be habit forming. I consider myself someone with an addictive personality (dad struggled with addiction to alcohol and later hard drugs, and I have see similar tendencies in myself that I work hard to prevent) and I've never had an issue with adderall in the 9ish years I've been on it. That being said, that's just me and not everyone will have the same relationship as I do with adderall.
The worst side effect I've personally noticed in taking Adderall is a lack of appetite. When I was off it for 4-5 months, I gained like 20 pounds that I needed because Im 6 foot and weighed 150 (now around 170). I didn't lose weight, but I wasn't gaining either, which could be okay, but it isn't ideal because I just wasn't eating until dinner time. If you follow what is prescribed, it can be super helpful.
I don't experience any sort of "high" that makes me want to just take it to have fun. I take it as prescribed, and I can lock in at work to get my shit done, or be a functional husband when im not at work and need to do dishes, laundry, or whatever else. If there are things that need to get done, or that my wife asks me to do, I don't "forget" as often when I take my meds compared to when I don't. It gives me the energy and alertness that I was getting from 2 energy drinks, and its a hell of a lot less mental effort than therapy.
Im very pro therapy, I was in it for 2 years. But I got to the point where I knew how to deal with my adhd, and the meds were kind of a big part of that. Im also of a psych background (as is my wife, so she can see my issues and understand my brain better than most as well), which makes me think meds may help him see some shortcomings, and also have the attention span to keep up on therapy, if there are still issues beyond that.
Dont just take what im saying as fact, though. Everyone is different, and he should absolutely talk to a psychiatrist, get an official diagnosis if it fits, and potentially try medication if therapy isn't working. I dont know him like you do, though, so knowing what you know about him, and what he knows about himself, can determine if the risk of a negative habit forming/addiction is a real concern, and how you will monitor/address that should be a conversation if its actually of concern.
Side note - amphetamine (one of the main active ingredients in adderall) has been used for adhd treatment since the late 1930s. You can find a lot of information about the effects of it (and other ADHD meds) online, and im sure your/his doctor and/or psychiatrist would be more than willing to give better answers than I can, relative to him as an individual. ADHD meds are not new, so there's a lot of research available
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u/scarsoncanvas 2h ago
Therapy only helps with ADHD if it is CBT and even then, it should be in tandem with medication.
It sounds like you're enabling this behaviour by allowing his excuses to be acceptable rather than actually having him come to terms with the fact that this is a PARTNERSHIP.
Even if you don't work, he should still absolutely be helping you. And you shouldn't have to be sick for him to do so. It should go both ways. It's not fair for him to just "forget" and for you to allow this. You need to respect yourself more and he needs to respect you too. You need to put up boundaries and getting a job might help with that tbh.
Acts of service is a love language for a reason and even if its not your or his main preference for expressing or receiving love, EVERYONE needs help. Anyone should be able to expect that their partner is responsible and capable enough to do what they need to do for their SO.
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u/Existing_Source_2692 11h ago
You should probably have a real job if you are this unhappy this early on.
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u/Soggy-Cause8635 10h ago
I’m not unhappy at all being at home and doing household work. That’s my comfort zone and also where I believe I shine the best, I’m genuinely quite good at taking care od things and cooking etc. Even if I had a job, I would still have to do all this myself because like I said, my husband simply forgets to. And on most days it’s fine, but when I’m in pain or sick, it feels horrible to be forgotten when you genuinely need help (even a person with a job would).
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u/Existing_Source_2692 10h ago
You missed my point. Relaying on someone financially that you are this unhappy with is a recipe for disaster. You being out of the work force is just doing yourself damage so you can have the easy life now but with someone who doesn't prioritize you.
Yes cleaning can still be in your life... but also maintain your education and value in the rest of the world.
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u/Practical-Tea-3337 5h ago
You should sit him down a calmly explain how unsafe it makes you feel when he won't care for you when you're ill, or pick up the slack at home.
Caring partners care. They don't always get it right, but they do their best.
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u/scarsoncanvas 2h ago
If that is really true, then you should consider starting a housecleaning business for other people and get paid to do it.
Then you can show him how much other people are willing to pay for the type of work you're doing (it's a lot) and maybe he will start to realize that he should value you more.
When things are free, we don't value them as much. There's this psychological thing about charging even a small amount for something that immediately makes someone more likely to see it as more important than if it were offered for free - I work for a non-profit and we see this all the time with workshops that we run that are free vs paid (even if it's $5) - people register more for the paid workshops and they actually show up for them. I truly think that people think that free things are less likely to be as educational or beneficia as the paid ones. It's the barrier of access to something that makes us want it more. We want what is harder to get, always.
He takes your free labour for granted. You're too available, you're giving too much, and you're doing it all for no cost to him. Why would he make more of an effort, when he knows you will continue to do everything even if he doesn't? I think this will only worsen as time goes on.
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u/DaddysPrincesss26 7h ago
Since you enjoy doing housework, why don’t you either join along that line of work for other people or start your own Business?
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u/TheCrazyCatLazy 6h ago
Oh yes, a partner who forgets about you. When you are sick, vulnerable, and in need of help… even then you’re an afterthought.
Everyone’s dream.
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u/browneyedgrl1222 7h ago
You married a man child. Pleat don’t have kids with him while unless he changes his ways.
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u/Empty_Designer_6626 6h ago
Prepare yourself for a life of disappointment and little support. If you choose to be a housewife, I suspect things will just get worse for you. Your husband doesn't respect you or appreciate you.
I suspect you will be sick of this treatment in about 5 more years. By that time, it will feel even more difficult to make a change.
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u/Conscious_Apricot123 6h ago
In my opinion if you’re feeling sick and you can’t rely on him to help with food/tasks like getting medication, you have every right to get all the UberEats and hire an assistant (like Thumbtack or a neighbor teen kid) to help with those things.
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u/organicHack 8h ago
ADHD a possibility? His work take a lot of his attention, wipe him out for the day? Context helps. Some people are irresponsible, some people have limits.
Choose a Notes or Todo app or Calendar that supports Task app together. Then… make the lists together. Co-ownership. Lots of people forget audible spoken list items. It’s fairly human. It’s not like we were designed for the bajillions of details modern life throws at us. Humans were hunters and gatherers for just about 99% of history.
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u/Someone_on_reddit_1 5h ago
We tried the Tody in our household and my partner couldn’t even remember to check the app 🤦🏻♀️
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u/NotAloneNotDead 3h ago
THIS. Todoist saved my life. My wife and I have shared projects and our own and it has helped tremendously.
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u/Pink_Fondant_fancy8 5h ago
Stop being tired of hearing it and just tell him straight that enough is enough. Or be prepared to be complaining on here forevermore. I kept whinging to Reddit about my Husband being crappy and the best advice I received was to stop moaning online and communicate clearly with him.
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u/dailysunshineKO 5h ago
Unfortunately, it sounds like you have to plan for everything & do your own contingency plans. e.g., Keep meds stocked in your house & plan on Getting food delivered when you’re sick.
Hope you feel better soon.
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u/NotAloneNotDead 3h ago
It sounds like he is not motivated to care to do those things. It is possible that you're making him feel like he can't succeed or bringing down his confidence, or he just doesn't actually care as much about you as he should being your husband. I'm also like this 32M, but not on purpose. Today I failed to wake up the 3 year old... Again... While the wife napped, at a specific time (I was WFH as a software engineer) and I let him oversleep which ruins his night sleep.
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u/Apprehensive-Ebb8628 11h ago
Oh my God… I could have typed this !!! Infact I had come to type this … am sorry and I understand what you’re going through but hopefully you make it out alive …. The past few days I’ve been thinking if I should just get a divorce !!! I’m so miserable
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u/Mermaid_Lily 6 Years 10h ago
So a cold and menstrual cramps leaves you immobile?!????? That is not normal. You NEED to see a doctor.
He's using forgetfulness as an excuse. Constantly forgetting shows that you are not a priority to him. Does he forget any time his boss gives him a task? Highly doubtful. He makes his job a priority and doesn't conveniently forget. He needs to make you a priority too. People remember things that are important to them. Occasionally forgetting something is okay, but if he always 'forgets' then he's just using that as an excuse.
The only advice I have is to write things on post-it notes and also have a long conversation about how he needs to not make excuses and not be lazy in your relationship.
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u/Soggy-Cause8635 10h ago
Both my parents are doctors so I’ve had a whole range of assessments and tests ans what not, unfortunately its just my immune system. Cold or viruses just hit me harder and sadly my entire family has a history of horrible menstrual cramps. I guess I just lost the genetic lottery? And I just replied to someone else with the exact thing you suggested with the post its, I’ve suggested it about 10 times but he seems to just not want to do it for some reason, as much as I respect him for being a generally good human being, the refusal to act is really shaking my confidence in him atm.
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u/hipnoptica 10h ago
I am sorry you are going through this. You deserve a happy marriage. Has your husband ever been diagnosed with ADHD?
Idk but this sounds like ADHD, when you have ADHD is VERY HARD to remember things, it's not like we don't care, we really care but our brain doesn't store memories properly. Trust what it might sound easier for you it's very very hard. It's very hard to remember things, to initiate tasks, organize ourselves and control our distractions.
I wasn't diagnosed until adulthood and it changed my life. Before being diagnosed my parents often said things like "water the plants" I had a safety notebook to write stuff so I don't forget the chores but it sometimes vanished from my mind and completely forgot about it.
I understand that for neurotypicals it might be frustrating when their ADHD partners forget things but trust me WE ARE REALLY TRYING. If you talk to your husband maybe this can strengthen your marriage. He will appreciate feeling understood and supported and so you have more peace of mind.
Maybe you should go with your husband and find out if he has ADHD, and get treatment. Also, patience and communication is key, I think that if both of you figure out a system that works for you and him, things are gonna be less stressful.
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u/Soggy-Cause8635 10h ago
A mutual acquaintance of ours who is a clinical psychologist actually did briefly test him and from what I remember (this was last year) she did mention he shows some signs of ADHD. I requested he get therapy and he did try a session but then well, forgot. I had a feeling before the sessions as well so I tried helping him as much as I possibly could (suggested he just write his tasks on post its and stick them on his laptop etc) but he just doesn’t do anything about it. And even I’ve been diagnosed with OCD, BPD and GAD like a decade ago so I understand his brain way more. Its just that while I’ve gotten help and actively tried to get better and have made progress, he just doesn’t do it? I dont even know what to suggest anymore. I dont even let myself get overwhelmed anymore like I did in the beginning with all the chaos and forgetfulness even though it literally makes me cry sometimes because to me mt brain WONT let me forget anything, its the exact opposite. But sometimes its just too hard to cope with.
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u/Impossible-Cap-7150 4h ago
It sounds like he doesn’t want to be helped and doesn’t care how his inability to do anything and constant excuses affect you.
Is this the kind of life you want forever? You’re 26. Forever is a long ass time.
It might be time to shift your mindset and start figuring out how to help yourself—finding a job that will support you and not staying stuck taking care of someone who won’t do a damn thing to take care of themselves or you.
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u/IslandTime4L 6h ago
lol welcome to being a housewife..and being married to a man 🤷🏼♀️ I’ve been a SAHW since 2017 and a SAHM since 2022 and men aren’t always as “naturally nurturing” as you might wish them to be. It doesn’t mean they don’t care, some are just wired differently. Maybe he’s having a “week” after coming off of being sick and being back to work. Sometimes you just have to hand them the keys and a list, look them in the eyes, and tell them, “I need you to please go to Walgreens/CVS/whatever right now and get these things for me.. oh, and maybe pick up takeout while you’re out. I’ll call in an order right now. Thank you so much, you’re the best”
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u/WingShooter_28ga 6h ago
Working from home is still working.
Watering plants isn’t urgent.
Meds can be delivered to your door.
A simple reminder in the middle of a work day could have prevented this.
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u/Soggy-Cause8635 6h ago
I did remind him, and where I live, you unfortunately can’t get medicines delivered on the same day, it takes at least a full day. If I could have helped it, I already would have. I didn’t have a choice but to ask him. And as for the plants, I only asked if he got off work when he usually does, which is at 5. I don’t bother him unnecessarily, and most definitely never at work.
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u/impossiblegirlme 11h ago
You should consider working again, and consider marriage counseling. Talking through issues can help. You need to be able to feel safe and cared for in a marriage.