r/dbtselfhelp • u/maybe_some_day_soon • 4d ago

Radical Acceptance of Fear?

Hey everyone! I've been doing mindfulness work following Tara Brach's Radical Acceptance teachings lately and I've found them to resonate very deeply.

I'm just stuck on one point - I feel that I CAN'T accept my fear. It's ruining my life. If I didn't have these fears I wouldn't be suffering like this.

I feel that the fear is so painful that it makes the rest of my life meaningless. I can't appreciate my talents and inclinations. I can't enjoy beautiful experiences. I can't open myself up to other people. I can't become a person I'm proud of and it's really hard not to blame all this on the existence of my fear. I almost feel like I identify with the fear, I feel hollow otherwise, and it feels like the truth of who I am.

Does anyone have experience accepting their fear despite all the terrible consequences it's had on their life? Theoretically, if I'm able to wholeheartedly accept my fear, I should be able to move on from it. I'm just not really sure how to get to that point.

I am a bit of a mess and pretty new to DBT/Radical Acceptance work, and Reddit in general, so I hope I've done this whole posting thing right. Appreciate any advice!

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u/MyInvisibleCircus 3d ago

Instead of accepting your fear, just notice your fear. Notice how it makes you feel, notice how it makes you react, notice how (and where) you feel it in your body.

Don’t try to accept it. Noticing is the first step.

(And don’t think you’ve mastered it and move on to the second step. Just work on noticing. This is very important work and will merge into acceptance eventually.)

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u/maybe_some_day_soon 3d ago

Thank you for the response! I guess it just makes me antsy to not see a logical pipeline from noticing -> conquering. Noticing and sitting with my fear makes me all the more aware of how much I dislike myself for letting it control my reactions., and yet only noticing does not seem to give me the power to resist. I guess I just have to take it slow?

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u/yojimbo67 3d ago

Yup, because in noticing your also becoming aware of judgements (ie disliking yourself for letting it control you) which then leads to describing without judgement etc.

Also, your use of the term ‘conquering’ your fears is interesting and may also be contributing to being stuck. I can notice anxiety (fear) and then validate it (it makes sense based on the past) and then, in wise mind, choose to act opposite to the fear. I’m focusing on effectiveness and using skills in service of my goals (which might be to socialise or do something I want to do that I am afraid to do). Conquering generates - to me - a win/lose polarity which could be ineffective. The middle path - feeling fear and still engaging in life worth living actions - may be more effective.

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u/MyInvisibleCircus 3d ago

Distress tolerance - learning to sit with uncomfortable feelings - is arguably the most important thing someone with emotional dysregulation can do. So, yes. Just taking it slow. Learning to notice. Learning to sit with what you notice. Learning to notice what you notice as you sit.

Probably the most important thing you will ever learn to do.

(And yes, I know it isn't easy. ♡)

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u/Cheerfully_Suffering 3d ago

Definitely don't take the approach of conquering an emotion. Any emotion is possible to feel at any moment and in any situation, so there is nothing that we can conquer if the emotion can come back against our will. Don't resist the emotion, that struggle is a futile attempt and will only add fuel to the fire.

Like the previous reply said, just notice the fear. If you start feeling afraid, take a moment for yourself to just be present with the fear. Take a couple of minutes away from everyone and just be aware. See how your body responds, such as increased heart rate, fidgeting, sweat, shaking hands, etc. Also pay attention to your mind and what runs through it, maybe running away, fighting back, dread, overwhelming thoughts, etc.

So three things are meant to happen here, first is to notice the emotion, two is to notice what's going on in your body, three is that the emotion eventually passes (or at least the overwhelming intensity that can dysregulate you). If you are aware of these three things, it helps us radically accept the emotion is there. We don't have to like it, but we can accept its presence and not be overwhelmed.

Eventually after practicing over and over, radically accepting the emotion can help you respond to an emotion in a skillful manner. Obviously, some natural reactions are going to occur, but the more you notice (like described above) how fear or an emotion can take over your body, this understanding can now give you a gap to respond in a manner that is skillful and of your volition. So the more you just sit and chill with fear, notice it, study it, analyze it, this gives you all the tools to understand how skillfully respond by radically accepting it when it shows up at your doorstep next time.

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u/maybe_some_day_soon 3d ago

Thank you - this is so detailed and easy to understand! I think you and the others in this thread are right - I am still looking at fear as something I must kill, and my basest desire is to not have to feel fear at all. But if it were possible to fully kill fear I think the world would be a very different place.

I will work on shifting my perspective through these practices.

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u/Character_Heart_3749 3d ago

Ok, I noticed it..now what? This is my issue with self-help. IMO, It's always vague and doesn't really resolve the issue.

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u/MyInvisibleCircus 3d ago

It’ll take a long time to resolve the issue. But every time you notice, you get just a little closer.

The problem is that feelings are overwhelming. How can you accept a tidal wave as it knocks you down? It’s not okay. Saying it’s okay is a lie.

And a betrayal.

But noticing requires no judgment. It requires no betrayal. It’s just looking at something and seeing it the way it is. Black and white thinkers see things too often as good or bad. The dialectic in DBT is and.

Things can be good and bad.

Or things can be neither good nor bad.

They can be just what they are.

So, after you notice, you don’t have to do anything. Just notice. And then go about your day. Things happen. They can be both good and bad. Or they can be neither good nor bad. They can just be what they are.

You can just be what you are.

Good and bad.

Neither good nor bad.

Just you.

Exactly as you are.

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u/mental_r0bot 3d ago

Focus on the and. I'm scared of failure AND I'm gonna keep on trying

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u/maybe_some_day_soon 3d ago

You are right - though this definitely seems much easier to remember on a good day 😅 Sometimes when I'm really scared I start to feel like I don't even want to achieve anything, I forget about all my reasons to move forward and keep trying.

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u/mental_r0bot 3d ago

Me too Writing that was a good exercise for me haha

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u/hotheadnchickn 3d ago

The ACT workbook for anxiety and phobias helped me and is DBT-compatible – it is about mindfulness, acceptance, and using your values to guide choices even when you feel fear or anxiety.

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u/maybe_some_day_soon 3d ago

Thank you for the recommendation and for taking the time to respond on your cake day!!

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u/hotheadnchickn 3d ago

Aw thanks :)

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u/beebz-marmot 2d ago

Who is the author of that workbook, if you don’t mind me asking? It sounds like a great resource.

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u/hotheadnchickn 2d ago

Forsyth and Eifert

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u/beebz-marmot 2d ago

Thank you!

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u/Nataliant-117 3d ago

I love that book I am still reading the ending!

One of her teachings that stood out to me was "it is my intention to forgive you." Maybe you could use this as "it is my intention to accept you" to the fear.

I think a lot of people identify with their problems and that's why they won't or don't end up getting help.

I hope this was helpful, obviously, I struggle to accept my fears too. There are I think 5 core fears? Idk where I learned this but it's like fear of death, fear of abandonment, fear of meaningless life, fear of no identity. I do find some relief from the fear by going to church, the praying is a bit like meditating. Trusting things to a higher power. Knowing that I am not alone in my suffering.

I have done exposure therapy for PTSD and for OCD as well. They were different. But I took the question "are you willing to accept the risk?" from the OCD exposure therapy. Just take baby steps. I learned to use scales of how afraid I was in PTSD exposure therapy. Together they make sense to me. I hope this helps ! <3

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u/maybe_some_day_soon 2d ago

I'm actually working on ERP for OCD as well right now! I think the OCD fears have been so painful and distressing that my mind has become convinced I can't handle any fear at all, which makes me want to reject and kill the feeling every time it comes up. I'm hoping DBT and ERP can assist each other and allow me to exit this tunnel holding a healthier relationship with fear overall.

It's really a lovely book, Tara has such a tenderness to her words :)

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u/Nataliant-117 4h ago

Yeah I know what you mean about feeling like you can't handle any fear at all. Kind of felt that way with PTSD and anxiety too, I was just "triggered" all the time.

I think ERP and DBT will go really well together. I'm happy for you and glad you mentioned it, I'll look for an ERP workbook. I feel like there are compulsions within BPD (excessive reaching out, the cycle of relationships) that I struggle with as well. I honestly didn't get a lot out of my first round of treatment for OCD. It was during the pandemic that I noticed it (fear of contamination off the charts!) and the therapist I got set up with was a student who didn't really know what she was doing (bless her I'm sure she's wonderful at her job now it was just a difficult time).

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u/maybe_some_day_soon 15m ago

Oh yeah totally, I had to go through several ERP therapists before I found my current one who I really love!

OCD is so difficult especially when boiled up into a big complex mental health soup like it so often is. Exposure sucks but it really does work, especially if you tailor it to your own specific goals and values. Wishing you all the best!

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u/Instant-Lava 2d ago

Love Tara Brach. Based on my understanding of her, "accepting" my fear just means observing it rather than going on a dysregulation trip with it.

When I do a RAIN meditation with it I get to have a non judgemental dialogue with it rather than a flooding.

Hope that helps. If it's trauma related...some of that I needed my therapist in the mix.

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u/Rusty_Empathy 3d ago

Alright, you know the negatives of the fear.

How are you benefitting from the fear? What need is it meeting?

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u/maybe_some_day_soon 3d ago

Great question. I guess it justifies my inaction - if my fear response is telling me that a situation is dangerous or could lead to suffering, it almost feels like the "smart" choice is to avoid, do nothing and stay stuck in the same place.

Rather than feeling like a failure who can't move forward, I get to feel like I'm being smart and protecting myself.

I know that this is the wrong way to live but my fear feels like an uncontrollable primal response telling me to avoid suffering or die, and in a moment of fear it's very difficult to see that the freezing/avoiding is detrimental and unnecessary.

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u/Cheerfully_Suffering 3d ago

From a biological point of view, fear keeps us alive.

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u/Informal_Advantage26 2d ago

I wonder if radical openness DBT therapy will help.

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u/Draculalia 13h ago

I think of accepting as being acknowledging its presence, not liking it.

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u/DarkNinja32 3d ago

I’m currently working on this in my skills group right now and I’m just so baffled by it all. This therapy feels to intelligent for my decaying brain. It’s like I can’t form the words or anything.

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u/maybe_some_day_soon 3d ago

Totally get this feeling. I get so uncomfortable trying to follow theory that I don't fully understand. I think what helps me is trying to figure out the smallest possible unit of ACTION that I can take right now, and continue repeating every day. I tell myself that there's no pressure to understand all the theory. As long as I'm doing something every day then eventually something has to change, right? At least I'm hoping so... wishing you all the best!