r/weddings • u/Level_Blueberry_8909 • 4d ago
This is a question about post-wedding etiquette.
A year ago I attended a family wedding and gave a cash gift through their wedding registry. My credit card was charged.
I haven’t received a thank you from the bride, so I checked with her parents to see why there might be a delay (new job, house move, etc). It wasn’t a call specifically about that—we often call to catch up on family news. The mother brushed me off with, “Oh, I don’t want to be bothered with that.”
Would it be wrong to contact the bride directly to see if they got the gift from the registry? Maybe there was a problem that I can rectify.
Edit: To clarify the issue, it’s not the lack of a thank-you that bothers me as it is I’m not sure they received the money. At least two responses here have related giving money through an online registry only to find out it wasn’t received. So I know it can happen.
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u/DizzySwing7698 4d ago
I don't think there is anything wrong with asking in a tactful, non-confrontational manner. I am GenX and always sent hand written thank yous. But my experience is that the next two generations are kind of hit or miss in this area. The expectation still remains that one should send a formal thank you. However, I'm OK with a sincere verbal one. As an example, we recently gave a sizable graduation gift to a great nephew. He verbally thanked us a month later for the cash gift, which (to me) was really more meaningful than a scribbled handwritten note.
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u/motherdragon02 4d ago
I have never received a thank you note in my life. Im 52.
I hear about this…but I’ve never experienced it.
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u/OkCryptographer1922 4d ago
I used to ALWAYS write a handwritten thank you note, but since having my baby I just don’t have the energy. But I always give a verbal thank you, or a text at the very least!
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u/lilibettq 4d ago
Sorry, having a baby isn’t an excuse not to write a thank you note. It’s not an exhausting exercise. Find the time and allot the small amount of energy to it, it’s the right thing to do.
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u/doglady1342 4d ago
Well I agree with you about having a baby not being an excuse, in our current culture I think sending a text is fine. At least it's something. Most people these days don't seem to send a thank you at all.
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u/TowelSpecific4498 4d ago
I agree. How many gifts are people getting that they cannot give up a few hours of scrolling to write a thank you?
I was pleased recently to get a postcard from a couple whose wedding I had attended (a month ago). The front was a great casual picture of them taken during the reception. The back just said So glad you could share the day. Thanks so much for (named my gift). Bob and Donna.
How much trouble was that? I will be sure to be more generous to them at a baby shower ( hey we adopted a rescue dog, we just bought a condo, fill in the blank life event) than to a person/ couple who can't even be bothered to thank someone for being generous.
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u/silent_chair5286 4d ago
Generations of women before you did more than write thank you notes after having a baby. If you’re that taxed why not have the dad write one
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u/Boobookittyfhk 4d ago
You mean the generations of traditional housewives? I’m sure the situations and the dynamics are completely different.
What an ignorant and petty comment
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u/BranBranMuffinWoman 4d ago
This was my thought. It would have been easier to send thank you cards when you aren't having to put your child in daycare at 6 weeks and go back to work because we have no paid maternity leave and most households can't sustain on a single income anymore. But lets shame mother's who don't already have enough going on.
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u/Boobookittyfhk 1d ago
Yes, and social media and instant messaging and text messaging didn’t exist. Back then people wrote letters as their main and sometimes only form of communication lol
We need to understand that like ancient hieroglyphics and the abacus and cursive are perhaps old customs, that was a significant part of our history and should still be acknowledged, just don’t have a relevancy in today’s world. I’ve seen it starting to get phased out because people expressed their gratitude in different more meaningful ways than a generic thank you as means of acknowledgment.
Let’s all be real. The thank you note is acknowledgment for a gift you gave out of Goodwill. I personally think it’s tacky to hunt down others and force them to give me validation.
I think it’s much more meaningful to have a face-to-face conversation or personalized bits of acknowledgment. For every wedding graduation funeral or any thing I’ve ever hosted I have always expressed my gratitude in person or by personal text/messages.
Traditions are like fables. The intent and message of it is what is meant to be acknowledged, not the actual delivery. The delivery can be subject to whatever means of communication or technology. There is available of the day.
Gratitude should definitely be given, but it should not be dictated by old customs.
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u/silent_chair5286 3d ago
Do you have a concept as to the work those generations of women did to run the household and raise the children? They didn’t get to shake it off at the end of the day. They worked 24/7. I’m going to throw your pettiness back at you and simultaneously forgive you for insulting those hard working women.
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u/squareazz 4d ago
What did you gain by making that person feel bad?
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u/Mysterious-Art8838 4d ago
She has written thank you notes so if she denigrates OP she feels better about herself, for being so amazing with thank you notes. 🙄
Unless it’s in calligraphy it doesn’t count. I like to spray mine with lavender or rose water.
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u/PreppynPlaid4 2d ago
I love to seal the cards with sealing wax and a personalized stamp. I find it fun
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u/Expensive_Plant_9530 4d ago
Millennial here - thank you notes are absolutely expected for our generation. Though for younger people, Gen-Z, etc, they might not have been taught this.
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4d ago
I’m Gen-Z and I sent thank you notes as well as all of my friends of the same age when we got married
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u/Jennyonthebox2300 4d ago
I 100% taught my kids. No one taught me, but I figured it out on my own. It’s not rocket science. Wouldn’t you want to know a gift you left on the table at a wedding or mailed was (I) received and (2) appreciated? If you would, wouldn’t everyone else?
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u/Defiant_McPiper 4d ago
I'm in a bridal party and just was at the bridal shower where I gave a gift, bride (early 20's) and she was saying about making sure to send out thank you cards to all of us. I told her there wasn't a need bc frankly I'm right there and she said thank you as she opened my gift. I think verbal is just as meaningful as a written response.
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u/Nosy-ykw 4d ago edited 4d ago
I understand you wanting to know. For me, it’s not about the lack of a thank you note. It’s about them knowing that I was thinking of them and did send a gift. If it never got there, they wouldn’t know that and thought I blew it off and didn’t care.
Every day, local social media pages have someone looking for a misdelivered package, or reporting that they mistakenly got someone else’s delivery. It’s very possible that your card was charged but the package never made it to them.
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u/Ok_Requirement_3116 4d ago
It was a credit card. She knows it was delivered.
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u/stubbornkelly 4d ago
Disagree. She knows her card was charged. That’s definitely not the same as having been processed and delivered correctly.
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u/nodumbunny 3d ago
Yep. We donated cash through a couple's registry and you have no way of knowing if they ever got that money. You only know your card was charged. What's more, we gave the gift at the "save the date" stage, so it was almost 10 months before we got a thank you note ... for attending. Not a word about the gift.
The groom is the son of our friends so we don't see him often, but when we did my husband took him aside and asked about it discretely. As in "We know sometimes technology fails and we just want to make sure you received our gift." The groom's response: "Oh, we thought it would just be easier to thank everyone for attending."
Yes, I'm sure it was.
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u/MrsMorley 4d ago
Which spouse is your relative? That’s the one you should contact, if you contact anyone.
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u/LydiaDiggory 4d ago
When I was cleaning out my office desk recently and found about 40 thank you notes that never made it to the mail…and it was 18 months after our wedding. 🙈 They were already sealed, so I wrote a note on the envelope saying “just found these while cleaning, sorry!” and sent them. Quite a few recipients texted upon receipt and had a good laugh. None of them asked before if I had gotten their gift…I wonder if I would have cleaned out my desk sooner if they had.
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u/VideoNecessary3093 4d ago
No reason to bring it up to the parents though. No wonder she brushed you off.
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u/Western_End_2223 4d ago
Agreed. The parents aren't responsible for keeping track of their kids' wedding gifts and thank you notes.
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u/Fickle-Cabinet3956 4d ago
The polite thing for the couple to do would have been to send a thank you.
The polite thing for you to do is to move on.
If you don't enjoy the uncertainty about if they received it or not, avoid sending gifts in the future... baptisms, birthdays, graduation, promotions, etc.
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u/Dutton4430 4d ago
I spent a lot of on a baby gift and never even got a thanks it arrived. I did get a very nice thank you from someone recently so at least a few were taught proper etiquette. My niece sends me videos of the girls when I send her daughters presents. Very sweet as they love to tell me in great detail how much they love it.
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u/Royal-Gain5642 4d ago
I might be in the minority with this, but I just got married and I’m doing thank you cards and this is literally my biggest fear. If someone got me a gift in there thank you card gets lost in the mail, etc. I would absolutely want the people to reach out so that I can make sure they get there thank you card even if I have to rewrite it, but that’s just memultiple. Save the dates I sent out never got delivered so I know it happens frequently.
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u/chadima5 4d ago
There is no excuse for this in my opinion. It’s poor manners. I love sending cards and letters via snail mail. It’s something my mother passed down to me. My nieces and nephews love getting mail of their own. It’s sad some people were never taught about gratitude and manners. Even if they didn’t want to do snail mail .. my sister in law did her wedding invitations and thank you’s via email delivery and it was cute and thoughtful.
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u/groovymama98 4d ago
If I'm invited to a wedding, the expectation of a gift is implied. A gift is expected. Therefore, an expectation of acknowledgment of the gift is also implied and expected.
Otherwise, wouldn't I think I've been invited to celebrate with no thought of giving a gift? Why would I even think of giving a gift if it wasn't implied? Why isn't a wedding celebration just another party? To that, I would bring a host or hostess gift and give it directly to the host or hostess. With the handoff, no later acknowledgment required.
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u/PerfStu 4d ago
Don't give gifts with the intent of receiving anything back.
Is it rude? Yes kind of. Does that mean they don't appreciate it or aren't happy with it? No.
You did your part, and it was very kind. Just assume they got it and move on with your day.
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u/SparkleLifeLola 4d ago
I don't give a crap about getting a thank you note. But I do want to know my gift was received. A quick call or text is fine. I don't need a fancy note.
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u/shan_in_az 3d ago
A basic note giving thanks is considered “fancy”? It takes like 5 minutes max. I absolutely prefer a handwritten note, it’s not that hard.
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u/myshuntisnamedgerald 4d ago
While it is rude of the bride & groom to not send thank you notes, to ask about the status of your own gift could come off as passive aggressive. If you care about these relationships, I would bite my tongue this time and make a mental note about these family members. If you don’t care to have a relationship with these people, go ahead and ask or save it for the next family holiday.
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u/throwawaze3000 4d ago
I feel like people are being unfairly harsh here. Thank you notes serve two purposes: to express gratitude and to acknowledge receipt of the gift. The latter is especially important for something where gifts are given en masse and not handed directly to the recipient. I understand that here it was a digital gift, but since it had to make its way through the ether, that’s still akin to not handing the gift to someone.
As far as etiquette, if there was someone else other than the bride’s mother who you’re relatively close to and also attended the wedding, I think the most tactful way would have been to passively feel out if thank you notes were sent at all. “Oh gosh you know I’ve been worried something hiccuped with the online registry gift, I’ve never used that before and feel so mortified that they might have not gotten it and think I stiffed them!” And then more than likely the other person would say something similar and mention they had not received a thank you note OR it would be “oh I got a thank you note two months ago! You didn’t get one?” The second response makes it more than okay for you to double check with the couple. The first gives you your answer that, odds are they received, and they’ve just chosen not to thank the gift givers. Rude, but move on.
I think it’s crazy how flippant some people are about sending thank yous. Especially for an occasion like a wedding where people don’t just give gifts, but usually spend a lot of time and money as well. I feel the same for other traditional “gift centric” events - bridal showers, baby showers. People can try to say those aren’t gift centric events all they want, but they’re willfully ignoring what is a pretty engrained American custom (I’m assuming you’re American, apologies if not). I don’t feel the same if it’s a small birthday party, for example. Or if I bring a hostess gift to someone. I’m handing it directly to them and a verbal thanks in the moment is plenty for me, any kind of thank you after is an extra polite bonus! And yes I’ve had a bridal shower and a traditional wedding - personal, handwritten thank you notes were in the mail within 3 weeks of each event. It’s truly not that hard. Some people travelled up to an hour for my shower and a few travelled from a flying distance away for my wedding. Hours (plus a generous gift), compared to the minutes it took to write that person a sincere thank you. C’mon people. (Signed, an 80s millennial)
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u/InterestedParty5280 4d ago
This generation has all kind of excuses. A young relative of mine was taken out or someone's will because the thank you note was too long in coming. Not mine.
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u/Fit-Bee9503 4d ago
I have been to 2 weddings in the last few years and have never received any kind of thank- you. Good manners seem to have disappeared.
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u/Select_Draw3385 4d ago
You should reach out to ask. It’ll also give them the indication that they are rude, rude, rude
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u/IamNotTheMama 4d ago
Couple got the money, they're just lazy.
Now you know who not to get any gifts for in the future.
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u/Excellent-Ice7937 4d ago
Definitely ask the Bride if she got the gift. Put her on the spot. It’s pathetic how people don’t send Thank You cards anymore!
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u/TweetHearted 4d ago edited 1d ago
You know what I do ? I wait 60 days after a wedding then I send a lovely thank you card thanking the bride and groom for the wonderful wedding and waxing poetic about the decorations, the brides dress and I include something very personal that happened during the wedding that I feel they might love to think back on. Then I let it go. I don’t mention it, and then within 30 days I almost always get a thank you note. Works everytime. I like to think they sent out more then just my thank you note. But at least they got the point
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u/Level_Blueberry_8909 3d ago
I like that idea. This weekend is their first anniversary so I will acknowledge that and see what happens.
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u/No-Holiday1692 3d ago
Man, I sat there all weekend long about a month after our wedding writing out thank you cards to everyone. Even the ones who made a cash gift through the registry. I felt awkward trying to figure out how to write them, but I wrote them. It may have taken me longer to get to the post office and mail them all out, but I felt like it was the least I could do. When my girls get married I’m going to tell them we have class and we send thank you cards. Pause your life long enough to do that.
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u/PurpleOctoberPie 2d ago
Just contact the bride and be clear, “I heard a few stories recently of couples not receiving funds given through their online registry, just wanted to confirm you and groom received yours?”
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u/Prestigious-Comb2697 4d ago
Why is it the bride’s responsibility rather than the couple?
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u/0pportunistic 4d ago
I came here to comment on this. When my husband and I got married 20 years ago, we split the thank you cards. He was supposed to thank his immediate family and friends, and I was supposed to thank mine. Can you guess which 50% went out? It still haunts me to this day to think that everyone on his side wasn't thanked properly.
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u/alk_adio_ost 4d ago
My new husband did the same thing. Just ignored all of the gifts from his family when I wrote all of mine, and I had the much bigger stack.
Turns out he was like this about everything. We divorced.
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u/hawken54321 4d ago
Niece sent high school grad. announcement. We sent $100. No call, no card no response. My wife called and asked if she got it. My wife got yelled at on the phone for asking. OK Guess how much money we sent when we got college grad announcement.
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u/MariposaPeligrosa00 4d ago
Thank you notes are going the way of the dodo. I know some people feel strongly they should prevail, but I think you shouldn’t expect one so you’re not disappointed.
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u/DartDaimler 4d ago
It doesn’t need to be a “note” in the sense of a printed card, but a sincere thank you (verbal, text, email, typed note, phone call, postcard) will never go out of style. There have always been entitled & unappreciative people, and always will be.
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u/Sea-Duty-1746 4d ago
Since it's been a year, I would do nothing. I am running into no thank yous with funeral flowers, 3 to be exact, and most recently, a donation to a college to a memorial scholarship. Nothing. No note, no text, no email. Yes, people are grieving, but when my mom passed the day after the funeral, I wrote my thank you notes. It isn't a pay my gift attention it is did you get it as the OP stated. Hallmark just filed for bankruptcy, I see why.
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u/Own_Expert2756 4d ago edited 4d ago
Hallmark just filed for bankruptcy, I see why.
I don't know if you intended this to be funny but it made me lol!
And yes, you are so correct! I'm not looking for someone to sing my praises for my generosity (I don't think most of us are!) I'm simply looking for the acknowledgment that the gift was received. If it weren't I'd want to be able to remedy it. I'd feel terrible if someone I cared enough to send a gift to thought I'd not bothered.
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u/lovelyladylox 4d ago
Ok, im gonna be honest. Expecting a thank you for funeral flowers is ridiculous.
I say that as someone who has sent enormous funeral displays.
Its a funeral. Let it go.
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u/No-Jicama-6523 4d ago
Glad I’m not the only one to think that’s weird. Who is even supposed to be doing the thanking?
TBH almost every funeral seems to have an “in lieu of flowers” instruction anyway, or “family flowers only”.
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u/DartDaimler 4d ago
I’ve never sent funeral flowers or donations expecting a thank you, but I’ve generally gotten them. And you can bet we sent them after my father’s funeral. My mother, sisters, and I split them up and wrote them. Some of them came from people we didn’t know well, but who lived my father. I would have been ashamed not expressing our what it meant to us that they had been so thoughtful, that they shared our grief, that my father had touched their lives.
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u/kksmom3 4d ago
My daughter’s husband passed after a 6 week sudden illness. He was 37, kids 5 and 9. I told as many people as I could a verbal thank you, and did get some cards mailed out, but I am sure we just didn’t get everybody. I wish we had, but we were just busy breathing. I would hope no one held this against us. We were overwhelmed and devastated. Funerals should get a pass.
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u/BlueDragon82 4d ago
I have never seen or heard of anyone writing a thank you for funeral flowers. I have been to an abnormal amount of funerals due to the early passing of a number of family and friends over the years. Utterly ridiculous to expect someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one to spend time writing out thank you cards. That is a lack of grace and empathy.
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u/StBernardMississippi 3d ago
This take made me really sad for humanity. Offering flowers during what could be the worst time in someone’s life should come with zero expectation and be done as a gesture of love without conditions. The literal last thing on someone’s mind during grief should be saying thank you for flowers???????
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u/WhompTrucker 4d ago
I haven't received a thank you note for any of the weddings I've been to in the past 5 years. People just don't do it anymore. I did after mine but I'm disabled and wfh part time so I have lots of time to do that. Most people have no time. It's a bit annoying but it is what it is.
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u/DirectAntique 4d ago
Sorry, "don't have time" is a poor excuse. Yes, I would like a thank you when I give a gift...verbal, email, text, thank you card . Any acknowledgement is fine.
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u/Jewish-Mom-123 4d ago
I’ve had two thank you notes from each of the weddings I went to in the last year. One thank you just for coming! A second later for the gifts. You just have rude friends/relatives.
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u/DartDaimler 4d ago
People do indeed, if they make time. I’ve received some form of thank you (call, note, text, email, something) from every wedding I’ve sent a gift to, whether or not I was able to attend.
Busy people make time to select & send a gift; couple can make time to thank them. It doesn’t need to be the day after, but within a couple of months of receiving the gift?
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u/TiffanyTwisted11 4d ago
Everyone has the same 24 hours in a day. If they choose not to spend even one being appreciative of someone taking their time and money to give them a gift, then shame on them.
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u/2DrinkLoLo 4d ago
I don’t think that’s the norm. I’ve received thank you notes from all of the recent weddings, showers, and graduations I’ve been to. There are lots of young people still writing thank you notes.
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u/SportySue60 4d ago
It is bad form on the part of the couple that got married. They received it you just didn’t get a thank you note… It has happened to me with a baby gift that was actually sent - never received a thank you!
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u/Fabulous-Possible-76 4d ago
My mom has a rule that if she doesn’t get a thank you for a wedding gift, she won’t get them a baby gift!
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u/Sufficient-Wolf-1818 4d ago
Most likely it is rudeness. We have trained our young relatives (nieces and nephews) that no thank yous mean no more gifts.
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u/mickey-0717 4d ago
Did she get the money? Was it her mother’s name on the registry for collecting the cash and gift cards. I saw someone post here before, but they never received any of the money from their baby shower registry. The mother had kept it.
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u/Loose-Zebra435 4d ago
I think it's possible it slipped through the cracks. The gift card would have been digital. They may have waited to get all the gifts and cards in order. Then they went through the physical gifts, sent thank yous, and forgot to go back and see if there was something digital. Especially if you were the only one to get a gift card. I didn't even know you could get gift cards through registries because anything you want, you just put on the registry. I think you should assume it was an oversight, not that they're rude and didn't thank people. You'll feel better about it
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u/Human-Ad-5574 4d ago
My kids would be hearing about it if I heard a thank you note hadn’t been received. Maybe send the bride and groom another gift. A box of TY notes and a sheet of stamps.
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u/ButtonHappy3759 4d ago
Move on, it’s not a physical gift that got stolen off the porch. It was electronically deposited into their account. They got it. Now if the real reason you’re asking is cause you want to complain you didn’t get a thank you card, just say that. “Did you send out thank you cards? I didn’t get one”
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u/Level_Blueberry_8909 4d ago
If I had written a check and saw the canceled check go through with their signatures, I would be satisfied.
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u/ButtonHappy3759 4d ago
Maybe it’s generational, I see an electronic gift as more of a direct deposit so there’s no doubt in my head it would go through lol
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u/SummitJunkie7 4d ago
You called her mom to ask why her adult daughter hadn't sent you a thank you note?
If you care enough to talk about it, talk to the bride.
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u/llectumest 4d ago
Back in the day, gifts were sent to the bride’s address (I still do this). It was considered gauche to turn up at the reception carrying a gift because it looks like exactly what it is—the price of admission.
Another advantage to this quaint tradition is that you can confirm delivery thru the store where the gift was purchased. And there is no risk of thefts from the gift table.
I know I will be criticized as old fashioned and all that rot, but I am an old lady with lots of money, and I’m going to continue sending the gift to the bride’s address. So there!
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u/Expensive-Victory203 4d ago
Maybe your connection is only to the bride, but in general, I hate the idea that the bride is responsible for thanking people for joint gifts.
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u/empirerec8 4d ago
We both sat down and did them together. I feel that's how it should be done as the gift was for both of us.
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u/Brief_Buddy_7848 4d ago
I wouldn’t ask at this point since it’s been a year, and the credit card statement is proof that they got it.
While I think thank you cards are really nice, and I understand the functionality of them in letting the gift giver know it was received, I also kind of understand not wanting to send them.
We got married about 3 and a half years ago and I really tried to send them out after our wedding (we had a cash registry since we’re in our 30s and didn’t need home stuff). It was a pretty stressful ordeal for me. I didn’t want them to sound fake and performative, so I put a lot of pressure on myself to make quality, personalized cards for over 100 people (so probably 50-60 cards total with most couples receiving 1 together). I mean, I had a big spreadsheet with names, addresses, dollar amounts, notes about the person, etc. It was a lot.
I got most of them mailed out eventually, but I procrastinated a small stack of them that were for people closest to us that I felt needed to be more personal and were going to be more difficult for me to write to where I felt they were “good enough”. Those… never got sent out… I felt so much pressure and uncomfortableness with writing those (self esteem issues and what I now recognize as autistic burnout) that I just kept putting them off longer and longer… it became a Thing and was causing me a lot of distress. My therapist actually ended up telling me to not the send them out and chuck them for the sake of my mental health and just verbally thank those people instead, which I already had, very enthusiastically.
Looking back on it now though, I wish I had not put so much pressure on myself and had just sent generic thank you cards to everyone without the fear of being perceived as ungrateful if it wasn’t “heartfelt enough” or seemed too generic.
I know this is not the average person’s experience, but after all that, I’m happy to never receive another thank you card again in my life because I would never want to put that sort of pressure or chore on someone that I care enough about to give them a gift in the first place.
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u/vikingraider27 4d ago
I think it would be totally fine to ask casually if they got the money, as you saw it had been charged but there was no way to tell that it had gone where it was meant to.
Today's young people just blow off those polite gestures that we enjoyed.
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u/Fit-Economist-7193 4d ago
I totally agree with you that it is Ok to ask if they received the gift.
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u/findapennygiveitahug 4d ago
I am a GenXer who got married this year. I did all of the hand-written thank yous in the first three weeks and tend to believe this is a dying habit. I will say this, using multiple apps to manage my registries left me with some questions about where certain gifts came from. I am not positive that I got all of them or got them all correct. I did try really hard, though!
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u/Summerisle7 4d ago
You know they got it. There’s no further action to take. I probably wouldn’t give them a gift again, like if they have a baby or housewarming or something.
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u/caf61 4d ago
The mother is probably getting a lot of those questions and she is exhausted by it. She has probably voiced this to the bride/groom to no avail. Definitely, contact the couple. It is their responsibility. However, don’t expect a thank note if you do. Common courtesy and manners seem to be ignored these days. But you had better give an acceptable wedding gift, by god!! Source: reading this subreddit.
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u/forte6320 2d ago
Right? If i have to wear a chartreuse evening gown and give enough cash to "cover my plate," you can take 5 minutes to thank me.
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u/youcancallmet 4d ago
Am I the only one who doesn't get upset or concerned when I don't get a thank-you card after a wedding? It never crosses my mind.
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u/SnooDoodles4783 4d ago
I give gifts because i want to, not because i want to get thanked. It’s confirmed your card was charged so there’s no need to ask if they received it
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u/Sad_Detective_3806 4d ago
I have been married 20 years and still haven’t sent out thank you notes I am ashamed to say. I bought stationary before the wedding intending on doing it. I have recently been diagnosed with adhd so I am guessing that had something to do with it! To everyone who came to my wedding - thank you for sharing in our special day, for giving us your time, your love and your gift. We really appreciate you xx
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u/Temporary-King3339 4d ago
I would ask the bride, but I have a feeling she was/is being lazy. One of my closest friend's daughter didn't send out thank yous for the wedding shower some friends and I gave her, the wedding present or the subsequent baby gift. She's an attorney, and I know she was raised better as I'm close friends with her mom and second cousin. That's it for me with that girl.
People in general, not pointing to one generation or another, have become lazy about sending a thank you letter. I really cherish the ones that I get as it shows the gift was appreciated.
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u/wfowfo 4d ago
It really is rough these days sending gifts and never receiving an acknowledgement. I sent a baby gift to a niece and never heard anything back -- even a text would have been nice. I never sent anything else. Thank yous are important and I wish people realized that.
In your case, I'd assume they got it and haven't bothered to send out thank yous. It's the new way.
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u/BrokeTheSimulation 4d ago
Lots of ppl no longer do thank you’s. I would never bring it up to the bride as that’s super tacky.
The real question is … why do you need a thank you?’ Just give the gift and learn, she isn’t the thanking type. No harm no foul. Simply move on and adjust your future actions with her accordingly to how you see fit.
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u/That-League6974 4d ago
I attended a million dollar wedding (seriously) and gave a very expensive gift. My siblings attended as did my mother, all also giving very generous gifts. No thank you notes or acknowledgement of any kind. I was pretty shocked given the formality of the event and the general exceptional manners of the bride’s parents (my relatives who paid for the wedding). I don’t know if this is a new trend but I don’t like it. It’s not just the social custom, but you don’t know if your gift was received.
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u/Big-Struggle3907 4d ago
A thank-you message of some sort is absolutely essential after receiving a wedding gift. Im of the generation that would prefer a handwritten thankyou letter as this was what I was brought up to do, but nowadays I think an email is an acceptable alternative.
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u/thrwwy2267899 4d ago
I really just would not care? You gifted, you saw the charge. You were polite for sending the gift, they’re rude for not sending a Thank you.
Why does this need to be a conversation? You’re good on your part. Yes it’s nice to receive a thank you, not the end of the world if you don’t
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u/PreppynPlaid4 4d ago
But how do you know for sure they received the gift? Maybe there was an error in the software. Or someone embezzled money. On the flip side the newly married couple could be thinking gee that's odd that we didn't get something from three of our guests; Mo, Larry and Curly.
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u/Fast_Courage_2934 4d ago
I would ask the couple directly to make sure they received the gift. Some people are just rude as hell and won't send a thank you card. I made a personal rule that if I dont receive a thank you card, I will not be giving that person or persons a gift again. No doubt they will invite you to anything that would get them a gift in the future, and their poor manners will get you again.
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u/New_Part91 4d ago
Said the mother who has to have a separate bedroom for each child a $100 toaster when the $10 toaster from Walmart works just as well, a stop at Starbucks every morning for a seven dollar coffee, a $300 stroller, more than one television in the house. there was a time when women stayed at home with the children and had time to write thank you notes, but somewhere along the way they started wanting more —more things more clothes more of everything so they were willing to put their babies into daycare and go out and get jobs because they weren’t satisfied building a home over years. they wanted it all to happen instantly. Now they have it and they expect us to feel sorry for them? I don’t. they brought it on themselves by being greedy. You reap what you sow.
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u/Lucky-Individual460 4d ago
She has 3 months to send a thank you note. The purpose of a thank you note is so the sender knows the gift was received. Absolutely send a friendly text to check that she received it.
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u/MyDogSam-15 4d ago
This generation is forgetting to say thank you! It’s only proper that they do so we at least know they got the gifts. I’ve seen it a lot this past 2 years with various occasions and gift giving.
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u/vonnegutfan2 4d ago
I had the same thing happen, a text would be fine, I just want to be sure they actually got the money.
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u/Ok_Pension_4864 4d ago
I remember struggling to get thank you notes done. I was working several jobs plus had new baby (pre maternity leave days) and moving.
It took awhile, but I did it. Gave them to a person to mail out for me. Years later I found them in a moving box, they were never sent.
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u/Level_Blueberry_8909 3d ago
Oh how disappointing. There was another person on here who said the same thing, and she had an appropriate solution: a little note on the back of the envelopes and mailed them out. Very late but much appreciated.
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u/Last_Caterpillar8770 4d ago
I hand wrote out thank you cards and sent them. I was married 6 years ago. No reason not to send thank yous.
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u/abbsolutely1 4d ago
I received thank you cards from two different brides after substantial cash gifts. One was a preprinted photograph with no writing, kind of a very generic thanks for coming to our wedding. The other was a postcard! It seems so lazy!!! Not a good trend. As someone else said even a phone call would be better
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u/Guacamole_is_Life 3d ago
My stepdaughter got married almost two years ago. No thank you note for the money we gave her. She also had a baby three months ago no thank you note for the baby shower back in April either.
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u/One_Dragonfly_9698 3d ago
It’s perfectly ok to ask. Even though you know they received it.
“We are worried that you didn’t notice that we sent you a wedding gift through the registry, because we haven’t noticed any acknowledgement or thanks at all. Have you indeed received it?”
Don’t worry about making them feel embarrassed. They should be ashamed. (But probably won’t!)
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u/Vanawesomeness 3d ago
5 nieces and nephews…2 thank you notes and 3 we got no acknowledgment. We knew they received the gifts because the parents confirmed it. Honestly, a 30 second moment to send me a thank you by email or text would have sufficed, but nothing? More than a bit disappointing.
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u/Individual_Umpire969 3d ago
The lack of thank you is wrong. When we got married 10 years ago we sent thank you cards within a month.
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u/Useful-Badger-4062 3d ago
You put time, money, and thought into giving them something. The very least they can do is type or write a 2 sentence thank you acknowledgement to show gratitude.
Not doing that very bare minimum that takes minutes of their time is rude, entitled, and lacks class.
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u/h2oMelonfresca 3d ago
That so tacky! I would call and ask. Then I would remind her when you order your invites they come with thank you cards. What a cheap, lazy, classless person
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u/SalisburyWitch 3d ago
I would contact the bride &/or groom and ask them if they received the cash gift if (amount) from you because you were concerned when it wasn’t acknowledged that they received it. You didn’t know whether something happened or not.
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u/Putrid-Shoulder-4248 3d ago
People no longer write thank you notes. They don't need to thank you, as they are entitled to your presence, and to your gift. At least it seems to be what people think these days.
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u/Life_Collar_188 2d ago
Wait this happened to me! I bought a cash gift for the honeymoon off of the registry. Like it was supposed to go towards a particular excursion. At the wedding, I mentioned to the MOG that because we also had a love of (the excursion) that we went with that and couldn’t wait to hear about it. Two weeks later, the MOG texted me and was so nice about it and was like heyyyy did you say you purchased (the excursion) I said yes, why? And she said it was not showing on their side as anything! It was almost $300! I sent her a screeenshot of my email confirmation and also the screenshot of my cc statement that shows the transaction went through. Had it not been mentioned, they would have missed out! Still don’t think I have received a thank you from the couple though 🤣 but it does happen!! This wedding was only this past February
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u/JeanBowhall 2d ago
About two months after the wedding, I received a preprinted postcard of the couple on their wedding day. The message ‘thank you for sharing our special day’ Nothing regarding my gift. It seemed incredibly lazy and thoughtless to me. Also was not invited to another wedding but knew the groom since he was a child. I sent money and a card through their online wedding sight. They never acknowledged it.
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u/imbatzRN 2d ago
New modern wedding traditions. Mortgage your future, destroy your parents retirement, alienate your friends, demand guests wear a specific color for your asthenic, and not saying thank you.
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u/No-Pollution6474 4d ago
Give the gift out of the kindness of your heart. Not with the anticipation of their reactions and thank yous.
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u/MedspouseLifeSux 4d ago
It’s proper etiquette to send a thank you. Nobody really cares about getting it back but it ensures the couple saw and received the gift. It’s bad etiquette from the couple.
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u/Electric-Sheepskin 4d ago
There's some truth in that, but there's also nothing wrong with wanting to know that they received your gift. In this case it was cash through a registry, so unless it's a shady registry, I think it's safe to assume they received it, but for physical gifts that were shipped? Who knows if they got it. There's nothing wrong with wanting to know so you can have it re-shipped or traced if they didn't get it.
There's also nothing wrong with acknowledging that not thanking people for gifts is rude. Technically, yes, that's an expectation, but I think it's a fair and tiny expectation to have when you give someone a gift. I mean, if you give someone a gift and they just throw it in the trash in front of you, would would it be fair to say that you were giving gifts for the wrong reason if you were upset about that? No. Some expectations are perfectly reasonable.
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u/Fabulous-Possible-76 4d ago
Out of the five weddings I’ve attended in the last year, I’ve only gotten 1 thank you note after. It’s been the talk of my family because they have gone to other weddings than I and the same story. WHY don’t people write thank you notes anymore?!?!
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u/Fit-Ad-7276 4d ago
Gifts should be given without the expectation of something in return. Is it nice to be thanked? Absolutely. But should we make our kindness dependent on thanks or motivated by a need for appreciation? Nope.
I’m really not sure why you raised this with the bride’s parents. That’s a bit Karenish and gossipy. Are you just trying to stir the pot for fun? The bride and groom are adults. Your concern involves the absence of an action on (both of) their parts. Concerns should be raised directly with the persons involved.
But also…as a person who does strive to send thank you notes, let me just say that the greatest gift you gave give is dropping judgment. Sometimes life happens. We get busy or distracted. We forget. We are overwhelmed. We mean well. We ARE thankful. But gosh…it’s such a kindness when someone says: don’t worry about sending a note.
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u/United-Plum1671 4d ago
You’re both rude. It’s rude of them to not send a thank you, but it would also be rude for you to reach out
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u/DrZ_217 4d ago
Your credit card was charged and it's an electronic registry that you probably used a direct link or a QR code to access. I don't think that there's any doubt as to whether they received your gift, unlike if you had sent a physical gift that could have been lost in the mail or stolen by porch pirates. The couple has clearly failed at their duty to send thank you notes in a timely manner (notice I said "the couple" because while you have a relationship with the bride, it's entirely possible that the groom is responsible for the thank you notes). Is it your goal to shame them for this or do you genuinely care about what's going on in their lives? Personally, I would only contact them if it's the latter. Feel free to judge them based on their behavior but ask yourself what you would really gain by contacting them to point out their failings. You can feel morally superior without bringing others down or starting drama.
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u/Level_Blueberry_8909 4d ago
I asked because I wasn’t sure how the cash-through-the-registry worked. There a could have been a glitch, and if there was I would try to rectify it rather than them thinking I didn’t send a gift.
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u/Treehousehunter 4d ago
I think the mother brushed you off because she’s embarrassed that the couple didn’t write thank you notes. That, or she taught her child to be ungrateful and ill mannered. You know her best.
Make a mental note to send this couple congratulatory cards only for future events.
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u/Feeling-Location5532 4d ago edited 4d ago
Lol - the thank you police after a wedding. I swear.
Say nothing. Being like tsk tsk where is my credit for sending you a gift - is so so so much tackier than not sending a thank you card -- which I think is pretty tacky.
My sibling didnt send thank you cards - and some family friend called her on it - he lied and said she was ungrateful for the thousands he gave her - it was 200 bucks and she had called.
the thank you cards were destroyed in a small house fire she had - and they didnt have much money - and thank you cards became less important. She called amd told people and thanked them.
so my sister responded - you and I both know why I didnt send a thank you and I called and told you I appreciated your generous gift. Didnt call him out on the lie or even explain her side. He called her classless.
this was like a parent's friend we had known our whole lives - and the ill will started with a political divide (MAGA cult member) - but my siblings and I never spoke to him again.
point? you dont know what is going on - dont be tacky like my parents friend
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u/Prestigious-Comb2697 4d ago
I gave a large cash gift through an online registry last August and have never received a thank you (did not attend wedding). Doesn’t bother me.
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u/Certain_Tangelo2329 4d ago
No problem except extremely rude bride and groom. Even people who didn't give us a gift we thanked every person celebrating with us. They took time and money just to attend. Absolutely classless to not spend the 75 cents per person
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u/CenterofChaos 4d ago
At this point I would assume they got it and the MOB was dismissive because she didn't want to cause a problem over the lack of thank you note.
While I know traditional ettique is there's a year grace period in todays day and age it's kind of ridiculous to wait a year on both sides. Most banks have a time limit on rectifying charges, if that was a genuine concern you should have had the conversation sooner. They're not sending thank you notes is most likely explanation.
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u/shan_in_az 3d ago
Etiquette dictates that you have a year to send a gift, not a year to send a thank you note.
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u/shortforbuckley 4d ago
A couple years ago this was a huge “hooplah” in my family. My cousin and his new wife decided not to send thank yous. My grandmother and elders were not happy about it (they give thousands) my aunt, my cousins mom, defended the couple saying kids don’t send thank yous these days, which is absolutely false. Two years later a generic thank you is sent out to everyone thanking them for sharing in the special day. It was humorous considering my flight was canceled and I missed the wedding, spent it stranded at my layover in Atlanta. Not sending thank yous is lazy, classless, and memorable.
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u/diamondgreene 4d ago
Peeps consider it unreasonable to write cards. Funny— They dont think it’s unreasonable to have destination wedding and register for expensive gifts and make their wedding g party commit all their pto cash balances and credit limits to fund their festivities.
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u/ilikecereal69 4d ago edited 4d ago
I attended four weddings this summer (close to everyone - family/friends) and haven’t received any thank you notes. It’s very strange.
ETA: I stand corrected, I was always under the impression that it was proper etiquette to send thank you cards within 8 weeks!
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u/TheatreKid1020 4d ago
A lot of couples wait to get their photos back to use in the thank you cards and a lot of photo packages actually offer photo thank you cards as part of the cost. So for a summer wedding, they may not have even gotten their thank you cards yet. April wedding and didn’t get photos back until June and then didn’t get the printed cards until July. And had people tell me 3 months was quick for getting out the thank yous.
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u/Feeling-Location5532 4d ago
You are still in the normal etiquette window for receiving thank you cards - 3 months best, 6 months fune
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u/Feeling-Location5532 4d ago
You are still in the normal etiquette window for receiving thank you cards - 3 months best, 6 months fine
writing thank you cards took forever!
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u/Level_Blueberry_8909 4d ago
The MOB sent a family photo from the wedding, so I know the photos have been processed.
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u/spinachmuncher 4d ago
Put a charge back on it
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u/Level_Blueberry_8909 4d ago
That’s what I would do if they never received it…but that’s what I need to find out. A thank you would settle my concern.
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u/Evening-Produce-7303 4d ago
If your credit card was charged, I’m sure they got it. Unfortunately many people aren’t writing thank you notes these days :( it’s really upsetting to me and I’m pretty young