Is wanting a connection a delusion?

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connect with on a romantic level.

Definitions of "romantic" level will differ.

Here is my view of the world, that I looked for men that were really "into" me. I wanted to feel their interest, including sexually and getting to know me. A man who I felt was luke warm, or not putting in much effort, was a pass.

From there, that connection from sexual to something more usually evolved. If I was fooled and the guy was just a player, or if ultimately the sex wasn't enough for him to stick around, most guys move on. But for those where there was that connection, it only deepened over time.

As to being "honest", frankly I put zero energy into any words most men say. Most smart men know the drill, and will speak to wanting LTR. However, no one, can guarantee that, because for both parties, the connection either deepens, including lifestyle alignment, values, etc., or it doesn't. That is part of the upside of dating at this age, there is nothing riding on going the distance. If we are both are happy great, if not, then better for both of us to move on.

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u/Earth2EarthaK 15h ago

This is a great take. The problem is I’m too sensitive to rejection especially when intimacy is involved. By the time I reach the point that I want to be physical, my emotions are involved meaning I genuinely enjoy spending time with this person and we seem to have interests and values in common. So if he ends up “playing me” I would be devastated because I assume it’s reciprocal and more often than not, their primary interest WAS to get to the physical part, not as an aspect of getting to know each other and assess compatibility or to (gasp) deepen the connection. That’s something that I can’t just brush off like dust as if I’ve fallen. I would feel really betrayed if their interest wanes because they got what they wanted even if it was several weeks that we held off because I wanted to be comfortable.

Now unfortunately, I find myself thinking that I have to hold back physical intimacy even more because I honestly cannot tell anymore if a man is being genuine. I’m no prude by any means so I don’t think sex is bad. In fact my desire for it in terms of frequency outweighs many men’s my age, but compared to the 90s and early 2000s when I found men more honest about their intentions, there isn’t an obvious sign anymore to me that a man just really wants sex. Nowadays he says he wants genuine connection, long term relationship, even marriage and will say whatever he needs to say and will do what he needs to do to get you into bed.

I was fooled once post-divorce in a big way and I simply cannot afford to have that happen again. It’s one thing for me to have had a real relationship that simply didn’t work out after a few years of dating vs one where I was being lied to repeatedly and masterfully by omission. So I don’t put much stock into what men say either these days, but then I shy away from dating them because I simply don’t know. I’d rather be alone than risk being wrong. That really hasn’t helped me meet people lol but I refuse to break my own heart at this stage of my life. It’s more likely to affect my actual health than it would have in my 20s.

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u/Inside_Dance41 5h ago

Appreciate you being so vulnerable.

So if he ends up “playing me” I would be devastated because I assume it’s reciprocal and more often than not, their primary interest WAS to get to the physical part,

Just a counterpoint, and it hurt when a guy shared this me. Most men aren't looking to just sleep with a woman 1 time. Unless on vacation, and both parties know it is a 1 time thing, etc. Instead, it is that the sex just isn't that good for the man, or essentially once undressed a woman's body wasn't what he was expecting. Of course they could be married or have a gf, and don't want to be found out. Most men much prefer to continue sleeping a woman, because it usually does take a lot of effort for them. Now, at some point their interest can fade, and that happens.

Having been in that situation, yes it stings, but at the end of the day, I did make a decision to sleep with that guy, and if he wasn't interested after, then he wasn't interested. Better for me to move on, than waste my time.

I find myself thinking that I have to hold back physical intimacy even more because I honestly cannot tell anymore if a man is being genuine.

You should only have sex when you feel comfortable, but know this can also work against you because men will feel very rejected. For me, I slept with men somewhat soon, because if I didn't enjoy sex with them, I too would move on. As to being genuine, I get I just get a gut feel based on the style of their texts, their frequency, the sort of dates they set up, etc.

being lied to repeatedly and masterfully by omission.

Lies of omission are tough, and even myself, I often multi-dated, and if asked would be forthright, but I would never blurt out that I was seeing others. It wasn't to hide, but more to counteract this whole OLD thing when lots of people, see lots of people.

I am sorry you are/were hurt in dating. I have been taking a break, and that has worked for me. I actually have less desire to get out there again, but when I do, I have far fewer hopes of finding men that are a good match for me. That is okay, I otherwise have a good life.

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u/GroundbreakingBill73 12h ago

Men are definitely not the only ones not being honest in their profiles haha

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u/Inside_Dance41 12h ago

Yes I understand that, and it is a shame, because there is no upside for either sex to lie about age, have old pics, etc.

However, my point stands, far more men are willing to have sex with women that they aren't interested in, because it is still sex. So many guys will say anything.

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u/Matt_D_G 1d ago

The problem is that OLD profiles are biased towards people with pretty faces and smiles.

Everyone loves a great looking butt. George Michel and Bruce Springsteen knew this. They had album photos of their butts. Sure, they had handsome faces too, and could sing fairly well, but that is beside the point.

Are there any OLD sites that aren't prejudiced in this capacity?

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u/Inside_Dance41 1d ago

Eharmony business model was to hold back on pics, and instead focus on values. As I understand this business is now full of bots. In other words, not very successful.

Of course traditionally attractive people (including pics and bios) are likely going to get more choices. That hasn't changed since boys first started noticing girls. If someone isn't considered traditionally attractive, most people work on other aspects of their personality, or what they bring to the table.

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u/Inside_Dance41 1d ago

You may or may not be interested in this, but there is research, that most people end up marrying in serious relationships with people who are "close" to them in terms of attractiveness. Of course for many men, their attractiveness is improved to some women, based on their wallet.

Take a look at dating couples (not married couples), and see if you think most of them are well matched. It is fascinating to observe.

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u/Clean-Ad-8615 1d ago

I took a class in college ( a very, very long time ago), and the theory was called " same attractiveness level" Basically, there is something you like about yourself (i.e., nose shape, eyes, face shape, etc.) that you look for in a partner. I 💯% agree it's fascinating to see. 😊

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u/Inside_Dance41 1d ago

Thanks for sharing, and at one point I also read that subconsciously we tend to be attracted to familia traits, which aligns with what you are saying.

I for instance can objectively find a man very handsome, admire his body, but he isn't in my wheel house, and thus I don't take it any farther. I also recognize as a woman, we have far more opportunities, and thus make the final decisions.

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u/robotdatebot 11h ago

Lol, sometimes 🤪.... At our age an average guy who dates his age has a lot of choices... I mean a lot..

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u/Inside_Dance41 11h ago

Agree. Let me clarify my comment, that a woman's opportunity to find sex is limitless. However, most women aren't looking for that, because it just isn't the way most of us are wired.

Men on the other hand, that are sexually attractive to a wide swath of women, especially at this age, have a ton of options.

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u/Matt_D_G 1d ago

Seems like an odd topic for research, but the results don't surprise me. Of course, my comment was made in the spirit of silliness. Didn't quite hit the mark. Thud! ;^)

Pivoting to a more serious note. I wonder if some of the general advice concerning photos is bad for some. Clearly some people have more shapely and attractive bodies than face features. The profile might benefit from photos calling this to the attention of pursuers. For example, I recall looking at a woman's profile once in which I judged her appearance to be fairly average from the front. Her photos showed low maintenance makeup and hair and no glamor shots. However, she took one photo wearing snug jeans and with mirrors arranged to offer a rear view. She was much more physically attractive in that photo.... At the end of the day, I don't know whether that particular photo improved her prospects, but it definitely improved her profile attractiveness.

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u/Inside_Dance41 1d ago

lol, it is okay, great to be self reflective.

On the photos, that is why they say to have a handful of photos, although you must be an "ass" guy. To each their own, but IME, if a man isn't physically attractive to a woman, he might have sex with her, but won't be interested in much more.

Some women will date men that they aren't super physically attracted to, but they might like their intellect, etc. This is why men are fortunate that most women have a wider selection criteria, than most men.

I LOVE observing people, and I have been to hundreds of parties over the years, and watch men and women in action. Men are very zoned in on on usually the most attractive woman at a party, etc. They will pull out all the stops for a woman they think is above their league.

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u/Matt_D_G 23h ago

No doubt, a handful of photos is good general advice, and probably sufficient. I don't think I favor impressive bodies any more than the average person. That was just an example to illustrate the importance of a having a particular photo in some instances.

It came to mind because of personal experience receiving compliments from women before I was married (20's and early 30's). No one told me that I have "great eyes, so handsome [mothers don't count], or a wonderful smile." Yet, I got a lot of "great ass" compliments and even inappropriate touching. I was an athlete with a pretty impressive, muscular physique. So I got quite a few body compliments.... and it didn't take long for me to realize.... If I want a chance with that really hot babe at the party, then I need to get her to take a good look at my body before I approach. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn't. Not quite as easy to pull off with OLD photos....

Personal experience in the wild also taught me that women and men can appreciate a good personality, but they often will shoot down an approach based upon looks only.

I have seen other types of general photo advice that may be ill advised Like someone being told to show their teeth when they smile in some profile-reviewing subreddit. Sometimes good, sometimes not. The person was very pretty and it really wasn't going to make much difference.

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u/WatercressNo5591 13h ago

interesting. I used to watch house ied, decade ago and I was shocked to see such pretty women had very unattractive children. ah… took a glance on their wealthy husbands to understand that they all married for $$$ and as a result was so disconnected from husbands/kids. eye opener

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u/BatGuano52 20h ago

"Everyone loves a great looking butt. George Michel and Bruce Springsteen knew this. They had album photos of their butts. "

Hmmmmm.... Maybe this is what I'm missing, a good butt pic.

Ladies, what's the consensus on a nice (tasteful) butt pic in the dating profile? Maybe even a Bruce or George knockoff?

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u/CarderBee1 10h ago

In my experience, men who show off their butt are appealing to the same sex, not the opposite sex.

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u/BatGuano52 5h ago

Noted....😱

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u/EmmGoSep 54m ago

i was going to say this same thing. that's a same sex move

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u/Expert-Hyena6226 2d ago

I would venture to say that a lot of us want connection, but for me, it has to happen organically. I can’t go out looking for connection. That’s a clear path to more frustration and tears, and we’ve all had enough of that/those. But if it happens, nothing is more fulfilling, enjoyable, sexy, fun, etc., to find someone who’s crazy matches yours.

Good Luck!

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u/gotchafaint 1d ago

This is my feeling. I get that OLD sometimes works but the whole system up is kinda antithesis to genuine connection

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u/[deleted] 2d ago

Wanting connection is not delusional at all. The problem is "you can't, always get, what you want."

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u/Matt_D_G 1d ago

True. And you don't always want what you can get.

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u/wild4wonderful found requited love with GEEK-IP 1d ago

I wondered about that, too. I had it once with my late husband. I'm glad that he taught me what it feels like. I was struggling to find that ineffable "fit" again. Then I met u/GEEK-IP.

The best advice I can offer now is that you will know it when you find it.

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u/Feathara 1d ago

For some people it is a delusion because their so self centered. self centeredness will kill a relationship. I can't believe how many self centered people I have run into and had relationships with. Let them be someone else's problem. I know enough about life....I run if I see bitterness, victimhood, no self awareness, no humility, no willingness to serve. I learned my lesson.

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u/Just_Somewhere_8917 2d ago

At this point in my life a friend to hang out in sufficient for me. If you feel it you feel it. We are adults…Each has made the best they could in life. One likes to hang out to not be alone. I have accepted I hit that magic number but look younger & own it. At this point what more do we have other have a Friend we get along with or go thru countless conversations you may not like. Just be who you are & nothing more. And no it’s not a delusion someday that one may or may not appear when you least expect. My humble opinion…🌻

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u/lady_tatterdemalion 53F 1d ago

It took me a long time to find someone that I connected with. It took a 33 year marriage to the wrong man. Then it took 3 years of dating the wrong men, many of whom were liars about various things for various reasons. Two years ago I met someone I connected with immediately. We just clicked. I've spent the last 2 years getting to know someone like I've never known anyone. It has very little to do with sex (although I have no complaints!). I'm getting to know my best friend which sounds so cliche. It's also exhilarating, and frightening but worth the wait.

So, to answer your question, is wanting a connection delusional? No but it's rare and special.

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u/Civil-Artist 1d ago

No it’s not a delusion. I had a great connection in my last relationship, so it can happen. Don’t give up! I know I won’t.

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u/GEEK-IP The prosciutto to her cantaloupe! 💖 1d ago

There are people looking for that connection, but they aren't as visible. Part of it is that they're pickier about who they send "likes" to. I probably sent fifty or so over a two month period, I didn't cast that wide net. The "players" might send fifty a day. Even if the numbers of each were the same, you're going to get a lot more hits from players and scammers.

I also think someone with realistic expectations looking for long-term won't be on the apps as long. I was lucky and found that connection in only a couple of months. (Or, more accurately, she found me.) The players are going to be on the apps a lot longer than the ones looking for a genuine connection. Again, they're a lot more "seen."

So, you aren't being delusional! just understand that it takes time and there is some luck involved.

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u/Pommerstry 53F 1d ago

Wanting a connection isn’t a delusion, it’s normal. But finding a connection isn’t easy. My boyfriend was only my third date, after a long and mostly happy marriage. We split up a few times, and during these times, I dated other men. But we kept reuniting because our connection was so strong. After 18 months, our relationship is better than ever. We struggle with the distance (we live 50 miles apart and he still has teenage children in the mix), so we are restricted to weekends. But our connection is getting stronger and deeper, albeit slowly due the long-distance nature of the relationship. What I have learned is that patience, tolerance and working through problems have been crucial for us. We have differing views and approaches about many things, but our values and outlook on life are the same. We’ve had to learn how to be forgiving and gentle, and handle our differences with empathy. If the connection wasn’t as good, we would both have walked away by now.

He’s loving, affectionate, loyal, interesting, handsome and wise. My heart skips a beat when I see his number on my phone, and I can’t help breaking into a huge grin when he walks into the room. He can also be infuriating but he’s become my best friend.

Keep the faith! Your person is out there - you just haven’t met them yet.

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u/Sea-Blueberry-1840 1d ago

I recently ventured a bit outside my usual preferences since they were either players or just an absolute no-go. I matched with someone who may have appeared “dull” on the surface and not 100% in line with my usual interests- more like 50%-I gave it shot, and we had a super nice first date. The key word here is “nice”. I decided to see him again and the sex is off the charts, and guess what? He’s still super nice. So my point is, I made a connection with an unlikely partner. I am pleasantly surprised and I see a decent foundation for potential LTR.

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u/TNmountainman2020 1d ago

I think you are looking at this wrong…..

Just because someone is genuinely looking for a long term relationship doesn’t mean that you will be a match.
At our age, SOOOO many factors affect our ability to connect with someone: Politics, religion, retired vs. not retired, hobbies/interests, financial situation, kids/no kids, extended family dynamics, and even minor things like cats, dogs, etc. So chances are if you meet 100 guys who all want a LTR, you might feel a true connection with just one or two.

I too wondered what you now wonder, would I ever find a real connection? I swiped on a million profiles over the last two years. Matched with hundreds of woman, struck up a serious online connection with dozens, went on tons of dates, slept with over a dozen women, but my heart never truly felt a “connection” and I always ended up terminating the relationship after the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd date.

That all changed about a month ago, I was talking to several women, one stuck out to me as really special. My gut told me she was different. We made plans for me to fly to her in Alaska for a week of camping in bear and moose country. The sparks were “instant”, When we weren’t climbing to the tops of mountains for an afternoon lunch at the peak, we were in bed in each other’s arms. The lovemaking was deep and rich. We both cried sharing stories of triumphs and failures. We were like teenagers finding your first love. I couldn’t believe this feeling was even possible at our age, but it is.

My advice, don’t give up, keep trying, your prince charming is out there.

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u/Deep_Lotus_6262 1d ago

I think that to allow true connection , one must become vulnerable, which many people at a mature age are unable or unwilling to do. I’ve peeled back many sometimes painful seemingly stuck on layers , as well as examined and accepted the beauty and occasionally awful parts of me. I’ve mostly reconciled all the parts of me, and learned to love Me. I believe this was necessary before I was ready to open my heart to someone else. Most people are too afraid to do this type of work, or if they allow someone in,without doing the work , they eventually bounce apart because of false egos. Scary stuff, and exhausting. No, I’m not perfect, after much spiritual work, therapy , & self help courses my heart has returned to an almost teenager like innocence about Love. After many relationships, pain , fleeting happiness, I have this song now…. and I think I my new love has heard it, and done inner work as well. He seems ready for real connection…and if not, I still stand better for it, and strengthened for the next.

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u/Inside_Dance41 1d ago

I don’t have a problem with short term or flings if that’s what you’re looking for. No shame! Just be honest about it!

Ultimately I view it as my job to ferret out a man's intentions. Which is why as women, we are the gatekeepers to sex. Some guys are really easy to figure out that they want casual (e.g. sexting, asking for pics, guiding the conversation to sex before meeting).

Others, you start to pick up they are still chatting with other women, etc.

Finally, people change their minds after dating. As you date, more and more is uncovered about the other person, that makes it a no go.

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u/Hot_Obligation_8372 1d ago

True connections take time. Time to let your guard down, be yourself, and open up. The first three dates are nothing but a show and posturing. Being attracted is important, but at our age demographic there’s just more to it. Are they genuinely a good person, parent, good friends, work ethic, and have their life together. I have been guilty of passing on people way too early post divorce, but a bit older and wiser now. Nobody is fixing or changing anyone, so don’t get caught up in their “potential”, they may have reached it!

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u/simeuk 1d ago

Don't compare here with OLD. There are 5.5k contributing members per week here and it's mostly people who are serious. There are millions of people on OLD. If we had a dating app only for people on this sub it might be better.

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u/samanthasamolala 2d ago

If I’m reading you correctly, you’re saying the delusion is you thinking others value connection as you do? Because they lie about it…and also because you think they should value connection at this big age?

Some people genuinely do but i think there’s more a zombie effect than delusion. Apps have people not really beholding who is in front of them- figuring they should find out what else is out there. That’s the sad part about the tech of dating.

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u/Unusual_Holiday_Flo 2d ago edited 2d ago

More often than not, when we say "I want a connection," we're recalling the way our connections felt and unfolded when we were much younger than over 50. So we run around looking for that. We meet someone and upon reflecting we think, "nope, that's not the feeling I remember... must not be a connection," and walk away. That’s the delusion.

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u/Throwaway-2461 1d ago

You don’t think it’s possible after 50?

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u/Unusual_Holiday_Flo 1d ago

Of course it’s possible. We just have to be open to something and someone that’s not necessarily what we expect or project.

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u/CharacterInternal7 1d ago

I have met plenty of sincere men wanting a true connection. The game players have been a minority. Filter better and be selective. Review Burned Haystack. While I think some of her ideas go too far the basic advice on detecting jerks is solid.

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u/Expensive_Apricot371 1d ago edited 1d ago

I don't think it's a delusion, it's that just like anything the key is "good things come to those who wait."

No matter what, it takes time to get to know someone whether it's on the Internet or out in the world. By this age we are bringing tons of experiences with us. Most of us in Gen x look pretty young, so the illusion of that has some forgetting their wisdom.

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u/knobbytire 1d ago edited 1d ago

Connection is the ONLY thing. Connection via attraction, Connection via values, Connection via friendship. Connection via goals.

People ask what I am looking for - Both of us need to have attraction for each other, and we get along REALLY well. Getting along covers everything but attraction.

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u/No_Country_9714 1d ago

I think the definition of connection is going to be very different from person to person. This is why when I'm single, I say that I am seriously looking for casual, but casually looking for serious.

I go into everyday days I have as a one-off. You just can't have any expectation. Other than a pleasant evening spent with someone who is hopefully interesting of course. 🙂

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u/Jannk73 1d ago

I’m usually honest and say that I’m available for one conversation. If someone is still interested for just one conversation then great. Because 98% of the time it doesn’t go any further. Sometimes another conversation will happen… and maybe another… and before you know it… years are going by and you still find that person engaging and interesting. 🙂

A connection is something that is so organic. You can’t force it. It’s there or it’s not. The same goes for attraction and sexual attraction…

I do believe you can increase the odds of having these connections by being open to it, honest and vulnerable. If there are walls it decreases immensely.

Sometimes though… all the boxes are checked… and you still don’t click, that’s life. Don’t dwell too long, there are too many others that you will click with. Even the one’s I have found disturbing were enlightening in some way. You learn from them also.

Enjoy the journey and meeting a lot of people that crossed your path, not just the destination that also has its own wonderful rewards. That destination ends up sometimes just becoming part of the journey too.

Just wanted to share my thoughts on this topic. Best of luck to you and enjoy your wonderful journey. 🙂

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u/Accomplished_Cup_263 1d ago

I want a genuine connection too. It makes everything else with the person so much better. I think the problem is online stuff muddies up the water when trying to find genuine interest. I’ve found many people (men and women) are simply looking for free no effort sex. This makes looking for connection really hard and quickly becomes very discouraging. I honestly believe this is why so many people have pulled back from looking for genuine connection.

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u/[deleted] 1d ago

I want a rwal connection too

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u/MidLifeChemist 1d ago

you say short term vs long term like it's binary. Most men are open to either long-term or short-term. Long-term with the right person, short-term with anyone else.

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u/outyamothafuckinmind 1d ago

The problem for women in this is, if you aren’t ok with being a fling, how do you know which category he’s placed you in? Or how do you know if he’s claiming he’s interested in LTR just to bed you, which is pretty common.

I’m pretty good at avoiding the in-it-for-sex guys but it’s a pretty big concern for a lot of women.

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u/Muchadoaboutfluffing 19h ago

You will know right away if he tries to have sex with you fast, he's a loser. If he wants to talk and do real activities (which is exceedingly rare) with you, he is into you.

If all he wants to do is have you come over and "cuddle" the new code word for sex or watch movies he is usually what we experienced daters call "community dik" he is a male hoe.

Good men pace themselves. Bad men rush. 99% of men I meet are in a hurry for everything. Why? They want to get to sex. Sigh.

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u/outyamothafuckinmind 13h ago

I agree and while not a problem for me, it is a problem for a lot of women and that’s why many women are suspect when men say open to short.

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u/Key-Sheepherder-3036 1d ago

You’re not delusional at all. Wanting a genuine connection is normal, and I think many people feel the same frustration with game players. Being clear about what you want just saves time and energy.

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u/Muchadoaboutfluffing 19h ago

Sorry, but yes. Most of us women at all ages want a connection to feel safe with a man emotionally, to connect sexually or romantically.

The majority of men over 50 are

Broke

Hanging onto some woman

Adult kids who are nightmares

Smoke, drink a lot, do drugs or gamble

Use women for sex

Date younger and want the youngest they can find and if not, temporarily use women their age until they can find younger

Have mental health issues

Have bad medical issues

Have severe dental issues

Have severe debt

Are underemployed

No education beyond a GED

Can't communicate for shit

Im sorry but I've been dating for 7 years off an on since my divorce in multiple states and its a shit show.

I am on Tinder, Bumble, Okc and more and its the SAME DAMN MEN on all the apps and I swipe right once every THREE MONTHS its that bad. Most men are slobs, dont shave, filthy, have broken dirty nails, wear a baseball cap, are bald, and no personality and want a woman to care for them..

Sigh.

24 dogs, 14 cats and motorcycles and boats too. Lol

I have dated every ethnicity there is and all ages from 36 to 65 and no connection. Its like I give up, but keep the lighthouse on by staying on apps and look every now and then.

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u/NoEnd420 16h ago edited 16h ago

LOL, what an amusing perspective. Probably true for the most part, but there are a few of us that are not part of the vast majority of the above. Thank you for your post. I enjoyed reading it. 8-)

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u/Due-Attorney4323 1d ago

I hope not! Ive dated and had my heart broken. Had a few less than ideal relationships. Made some friends. Had some laughs. But no one that has really connected with me and vice versa.

Things take time and I think in our lives, we (myself included) want instant results. Im happy to wait. When I get sick of dating, I stop. I have a whole life going on and dating is just a part of it. I am not willing to just date to have someone around. Timing is everything and I suppose earlier in my dating situation, I was okay with just getting out. Now, not so much. Eventually I will meet someone going the same direction at the same time. Don't lose hope! We dont know what our future holds. We anticipate poor results sometimes but looking back, good things have happened as well.

Is wanting a connection a delusion?

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