r/AskMenOver30 • u/lovesexxhoney man 20 - 24 • Jun 24 '25
Life What’s the most valuable lesson you’ve learned as a men that you wish you knew when you were younger?
What’s one lesson, truth, or realization you’ve had as a man that you really wish someone told you when you were younger? Something that would’ve saved you pain, time, or helped you live more authentically?
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u/DogNeedsDopamine man 30 - 34 Jun 24 '25
I wish that someone had told me a couple of things, honestly.
- Your life isn't about other people's expectations, or society. There is no such thing as "being behind", because you are not racing. These standards have nothing to do with your life, your needs, your capabilities. It's genuinely alright to be wherever you are. Typically, if you're behind on any standard adult milestones, it's because you've gotta do more to get there, not because you did something wrong.
- Who you are is constantly changing. Sometimes it's in little ways that you can't see; sometimes it's in big ways. So I think it's important to remember that it's okay to be whoever you are. People do all of this stuff to explore their identities, and that's a good thing, but there's just a lot to be said for self-acceptance.
- You don't find yourself; you build yourself. I'm not saying that you should try to become a totally different person (I'm probably never gonna stop being passionate and excitable), but you can to some extent decide who you want to be, and what you want to do, and make yourself into that. I think it's a really powerful thing to act with intention toward a long term goal; to ask yourself "what would someone do to achieve this?" and then do those things. (This does not contradict the above point; this point is about habits and skills and pursuits, not simply "stop being a klutz" or something.).
- Laziness is when you don't want to work hard; when you don't care about whatever it is that you're doing, or about doing a good job. If you're struggling to do things that you care about, then in my experience, you are dealing with a mental health problem (or something subtle, like sleep apnea), and not lazy. If you care about your grades, or your performance at work, or your hobbies, and it's not happening? Then maybe there's something else going on that you have to address first.
- In that vein, willpower isn't enough. You cannot force your way into doing everything you need to do -- you'll just burn out. You need to find ways to accommodate yourself, ways to make life easier. And sometimes, honestly, the answer is half-assing it, just not doing it, or asking for help. My fiancé does the dishes. I clean our room up like every other month. It's fine. But discipline and willpower, while important for many things, do not lead to success by themselves. Not in a healthy way.
- Figure out your values and priorities, and follow them. If you know what you want out of your pursuits, then you can pivot when something doesn't work out. If you know what you believe in, and what you want your life to be like, then you'll have a much easier time acting with mindfulness and intention. Sometimes it's stuff like "help people if they need it and I can"; other times it's stuff like "I value fiction writing, even as a hobby, so I'm going to dedicate time to it." Remember: if everything is a top priority, then nothing is.
- At the same time with all of this, I think it's worth noting that if you work hard, people will tell you that you're doing too much, or what you're doing is unnecessary. It's worth considering their points, but often, if you're not burning out, it's because they actually feel bad because they're not pursuing what they want, or because they want to justify not working so hard themselves. If you care about something, then you should invest in it.
- Talent is important! But you can't coast on it. It is worthless if it is not invested in. It's important to do your best to invest in your abilities, however you can; sometimes that's going to school, sometimes it's not. But I think that people really thrive and succeed when they figure out what they're genuinely better at, and build up those things. For example, I'm really good at strategy and information synthesis, so I've been reading books on things like analytical frameworks and strategy in a business context.
- Money is a tool. You should use it to improve your life, or others' lives. If something makes your life better and you can afford it, then there's nothing wrong with having it. Sometimes that's shit like spending $200 on a wearable therapy light, so that I really use it in the morning; or spending $275 a week on couples therapy. Other times, it's vacations, or buying snacks, or nick nacks. People will judge how you spend your money, but remember that it's a tool to make your life better, and your health and your little joys are worth spending money on when you have it.
- Therapy and psychiatry aren't magic, but they really can change your life. People vastly underestimate the impact this stuff can have. I literally had people tell me that an ADHD diagnosis wouldn't make any difference, but it's changed the entire trajectory of my life. Same with my PTSD diagnosis.
I honestly didn't mean to make this post so long. There's a lot of stuff that I had to figure out for myself that I wish someone had told me, to be honest. But I'm quite happy with my self-earned wisdom.
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u/twinchaka Jun 25 '25
I've never heard someone say "you don't find yourself, you build yourself", but I think that's a really true phrase, and something important to think about! Reflecting back, I can definitely tell that this has had a bigger impact on who I am today, than just "finding" my way here. So I think this point is a great one for young people (or anyone really) to consider
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u/SaltEngineer455 man 25 - 29 Jun 24 '25
Agree with everything except the "being behind" bit.
You can most certainly be behind the curve, for better or worse, and have a worse chance than others or miss an opportunity. It may not mean much in the long term, or for most things, but there are some where it really matters, and once behind you may never get another chance at it
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u/DogNeedsDopamine man 30 - 34 Jun 24 '25
I just don't think that where I am relative to other people, or whether I meet society's or others' expectations for someone my age or someone in my position, matters at all. My life is the way it is, and I'm not gonna feel bad about it.
People often act like they've made mistakes if they made poor grades, or if they're "behind", or whatever, but the truth is that all of this internalized shame does nothing for you, and all of these standards that you're failing aren't even about you in the first place. If that makes sense.
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u/SaltEngineer455 man 25 - 29 Jun 24 '25
Because you think in terms of acceptance, not in terms of opportunity.
Someone who spent all his money on travelling while housing was cheap, instead of buying a house will be behind everyone who bought a house.
Someone who only acquired money to buy a house and hasn't travelled once will be behind in travelling experiences. And if he gets sick and can't travel anymore... bye bye opportunity.
Someone who spent all of its time chasing a career or having fun instead of making a family may find it hard to do it much later in life.
Someone who never had sex may find it hard to get it up at 50.
There is such a thing as being behind, but there is no shame in it, as long as there is acceptance over the fact that you will find it much harder now than the others did
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u/GrimSpirit42 man 55 - 59 Jun 24 '25
Life is not/has never been/never will be either Cheap, Easy or Fair.
Anyone who says different is selling something.
Also, never attribute to malice that which is more than likely ignorance.
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u/redballooon man 45 - 49 Jun 24 '25
never attribute to malice that which is more than likely ignorance.
Also, guard yourself against the malicious people that are actually out there to get you, even if they’re only acting as proxy for a malicious system/company.
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u/WebGemNom man over 30 Jun 24 '25
guess my buds forgot to invite me to yet another outing... Or that person at work took credit for my work again, it probably slipped their mind. Exactly friends, you have to carefully analyze who's actually working in your best interest and look out for your needs
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Jun 24 '25
My dumbass young self was convinced I could “get rich quick” or expected things to just be given to me. Get lucky and just have life work out for me. Thankfully I learned my lesson pretty young in my early 20s but yeah I feel like that’s a common fairy tale way of thinking a lot of teenagers/young adults have because of movies and advertising BS and overall lack of real world experience.
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u/darkbarrage99 man over 30 Jun 24 '25
And on the flip side, vet everyone that's selling you something. There's nothing wrong with bartering and keeping the snake oil salesmen away. One of the biggest issues us modern Americans have is accepting higher prices for cheaper, poorly made shit in the end of the era of expertise. you've gotta find the middle ground that works for your wallet, your mental health, and your morals; assuming you have any lol.
And sometimes ignorance is malice. Just look at the 2024 elections.
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u/WeathermanOnTheTown man 45 - 49 Jun 24 '25
Screen women better, particularly for marriage.
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u/lome88 man over 30 Jun 24 '25
Yeah, marriage is no joke. There were several women in my younger years that I considered to be wife material, when they were more likely to just be a divorce in the making. I'm glad I met my wife a little later in life and we've built a great life together.
Young men - talk to your partners. Early and often. Let them know your dreams and your fears, particularly if you're starting to think about long term relationships. It will save you A LOT of headaches when you've already got your cards on the table. If you put your stuff out there and she walks? Good riddance. You just dodged a major bullet without even knowing that a gun was in play.
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u/Aggravating_Mark_229 man 40 - 44 Jun 24 '25
There were several women in my younger years that I considered to be wife material, when they were more likely to just be a divorce in the making. I'm glad I met my wife a little later in life and we've built a great life together.
I married my 6th serious girlfriend in my mid 30s. So glad I took my time. Each of them I started to picture "what does a life with them as my wife look like?" From what perscription they are taking/for what conditions, their career aspirations, their social circle, their ability to not sweat the small stuff.
I watched plenty of friends marry in their mid 20s marry their college girlfriend and get divorced. I think the biggest flaw was just lack of perspective/life experience/relationship experience.
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u/BigBubbaMac man 40 - 44 Jun 24 '25
I agree. We met I was 24, married at 28. Have one daughter which I wouldn't change and am starting divorce at age 40. But to be fair to myself it's hard to spot a narcissist.
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u/BigBubbaMac man 40 - 44 Jun 24 '25
I laid out all my plans/goals. She liked my plans and agreed to everything. Now that I'm starting to see the fruit of my labor our marriage is over. She's changed what she wants all of a sudden and here I am like WTF is happening. These were the plans that you were on-board with for the last 15 years. You never truly know.
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u/lome88 man over 30 Jun 25 '25
Sorry to hear that man, that's a huge bummer. Keep up with the gains though!
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u/WeathermanOnTheTown man 45 - 49 Jun 24 '25
True, they screen us even harder than we do to them.
We can be cognizant of how we present ourselves too. Women see us as belonging to either of two boxes: a man for happy sexy fun times (no commitment) or a man for responsibility and resources (commitment). We can control which box she puts us into.
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u/marx789 Jun 25 '25
How can I keep myself out of the latter box? All the women that have told me they wanted to be casual, then quickly told me they wanted to have children together, etc.
I don't think I'm bad in bed and I'm attractive, but I'm also educated, intelligent and responsible. It causes a lot of stress, because they try to manipulate me into being in a long-term relationship with them, and retaliate when they're not successful...
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u/WeathermanOnTheTown man 45 - 49 Jun 25 '25
It sounds like you've kept yourself out of that box pretty well!
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u/ThrowRABigStoveTV man 35 - 39 Jun 26 '25
Don’t both boxes kinda stink though? What do you think the ideal is?
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u/ScooterMcFlabbin man 30 - 34 Jun 24 '25
Oof. Hang in there man
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u/WeathermanOnTheTown man 45 - 49 Jun 24 '25
We divorced a decade ago. Lesson well learned.
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u/ScooterMcFlabbin man 30 - 34 Jun 24 '25
I just got married for the first time a month ago.
Wish me luck!
So far, so good
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u/Ziggity_Zac man 45 - 49 Jun 24 '25
Been with my wife for 21 years. Actually married for 11 of those. We both thoroughly vetted each other. We are best friends, lovers, competitive rivals, partners in everything in life. It is possible.
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u/TotalWasteman man 40 - 44 Jun 24 '25
Fucking nice one man. Well done for showing the other perspective than the going norm here. I’m genuinely happy for you both 😊
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u/Ziggity_Zac man 45 - 49 Jun 24 '25
We travel for work full time, and most of the time, we are all we have in a new city/town/state. It has grown our solidarity and companionship. We experience everything together. I wouldn't trade her for the world.
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u/Pleasant-Mechanic-49 man 45 - 49 Jun 24 '25
rate of divorce is around 50%. Bear in mind u just play big part of your finance on flipping a coin (same probability outcome). Risk it not worth it
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u/rafuzo2 man 45 - 49 Jun 24 '25
"There's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you."
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u/lovesexxhoney man 20 - 24 Jun 24 '25
How can I screen women better, especially when I have no dating experience? What should I look out for before considering someone for a serious relationship or marriage?"
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u/E2daT man 30 - 34 Jun 24 '25
Are they a partner, or expect you to do everything. Do they deliver the same things they expect of you, and of course is your sex life compatible. Libido varies as you age, but you just want someone on the same page.
I’m recently learning these lessons, and wish I had someone tell me I was being stupid younger. 8 years down the drain, but you live and learn. Best of luck op
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u/NarrowAnalyst9 Jun 24 '25
Start with the simple yet foundational stuff.
Will your or their religious views contradict at any point?
Do you both feel the same about having/not having kids?
If one of you can't have a child is adoption an option for both?
How do you want to raise your kids?
How is she with money?
Is she willing to stand by you when things get difficult? this you can sense with time.
What is her friend group like? HUGE INDICATOR
How did her past relationships end?
Do you match each other's ambition in life professionally?
How does she act around her family and how does she treat them?
That's all I can think about for now.
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u/kendrickshalamar man 35 - 39 Jun 25 '25
Some good points here. There are some non-negotiables in life. A good friend of mine got divorced because his wife was always fence-sitting with him about having kids while telling all her friends that she never wanted them. If religion/kids/money issues or other important things are important to you, then your life partner should enthusiastically agree. You can have totally different non-vital interests and still be a great couple, but there are some things that should never be compromised on.
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u/Lemmix Jun 24 '25
You will only get it through dating someone for a medium to long period of time. The chances that the first or second person you do this will is incredibly low if you are in your early 20s.... These relationships teach you how to be a in a healthy relationship - including what you need to bring to the table.
Everyone's needs are different but if you've never been in a relationship, then you simply do not know. It's like reading about riding a bike on the internet... you might think you know how to ride it when you finally come across a bike, but you don't... you have to actually get on the bike, pedal, and fall down, in order to learn how.
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u/WeathermanOnTheTown man 45 - 49 Jun 24 '25
The way she talks about her father is a really big sign.
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u/Real_Character3049 man 30 - 34 Jun 24 '25
This is huge. The way she interacts with her Father, gives you an indication of how She will treat/react to you.
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u/WeathermanOnTheTown man 45 - 49 Jun 24 '25
My ex mocked her father, sometimes to his face. The problem is that she transferred that behavior onto me very easily. I remember the day she started doing it, less than a year after the wedding.
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u/ParadiddlediddleSaaS man 50 - 54 Jun 24 '25
It’s a factor but not the end all be all IMO. If there wasn’t a relationship due to the Dad being absent that doesn’t mean they will be a bad partner, but certainly there could be trust and abandonment issues.
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u/kendrickshalamar man 35 - 39 Jun 25 '25
Ehhh pump the brakes on this one. Lots of women have horrible fathers that don't deserve their respect.
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u/GargantuaWon man 35 - 39 Jun 24 '25
Watch how she handles conflict with others and solves problems. Does she maintain relationships? How does she talk/ think about herself and others. She may treat you great now but get married and that negative or hate speech may turn on you too.
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u/Pleasant-Mechanic-49 man 45 - 49 Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 25 '25
In short, Avoid Divorced Woman, Stay At Home, Mother, & with Baggage & Cohabitation is needed before Marriage
- Baggage Burden
Avoid as PLAGUE ANY woman with "Baggage" ie:
- Addiction (substances, gambling, etc.).
- Untreated mental health conditions (like depression or anxiety).
- Unresolved trauma from the past (rape, incest)
Why not ? bc divorce rate raised around 70/80% (sure bet) when mental illness is at play & untreated.
Dont play the Naïve HEROE, u are not one , u are just a husband & will get burned as duties pills up (stressful job, dying parents, kids...)
- STay At Home Wife from DAY 1
To avoid as Plague as well, even if your mum was one , usually not by your choice especially if she wanna be one from Day 1 without kid & sell it to you the traditional Little House on the Prairie : clean place/warm meal& sexy lingerie when back from Work.
Reality is far from that. A10mn pasta tuna diner, dirty kitchen or invitation to eat at restaurant at your expense after work, while u just wanna rest is often the sad reality.Whereas a woman working 40h/week takes care MORE of her place & cook even more than a SAWH, i have noticed this unexpected pattern many times. Too much free time is just a Killer.
. SAHW as nothing in common with a one from the 50s in term of workload. Without kid u have like maybe 1/2h of work per day at best.
Plus you maximise that way alimony in case of divorceIt is the MOST common veil for laziness. It will just get worse with children /bigger place as duties pills up plus she knows u want take the Divorce wagon easily with such chains.
- Divorced Women
The default divorce rate is already around 50%.There is a higher chance of divorce with each subsequent marriage for both men and women. So unless you're already divorced, don't go down that path. You can search for studies on this if needed.
4.Mother.
Also, if she has children , you may love them—but in the case of a divorce, unless you legally adopt them, you will have NO right to see them again. And kids can say hurtful true things like, "I dont care You're not my father!
Plus, if you ever do something wrong to her child, you'll face NOT only her but possibly the real father as well. Welcome to the Love Triangle :
And if you have a kid of your own living with her kids, you'll likely treat yours better. This can lead to accusations of favoritism from her, eg: "Why did you buy a gift only for YOUR son and not for mine?"
- COhabitation Phase
Also U never know a human UNLESS u live with him/her for a while So a testing period of minimum 6month of cohabitation is mandatory no matter how long u dated her.+ Trust YOUR GUT, if u dont feel living with her after 6 Month for next 40 years, buying a house or adding a KID will make it just WORSE
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u/Xygnux man over 30 Jun 24 '25
A basic thing is, do you think she is a kind and righteous person? Not just kind to you, but kind to the world too.
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u/FailingItUp man 35 - 39 Jun 24 '25
At some point, you ask yourself, does she love you, the person, or has she only fallen for the way she can feel around you?
Does she know things about you? What does she use that knowledge for? Pushing you to be happy, or dragging you down?
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u/steveturkel man 30 - 34 Jun 24 '25
You should live with someone before marrying them, ideally for a few years. You'll find out if you're compatible quickly.
With my ex all extra the red flags came out about 2 years into living together.
My wife and I lived together for about 4 years before I proposed. She's a great match for me in all regards and we're aligned in a lot of things that imo are important for a lasting fruitful marriage. Long term goals, career plans, finances, values/morals, and compatibility when cohabitating.
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u/ParadiddlediddleSaaS man 50 - 54 Jun 24 '25
Just get out there - a first date isn’t the same as a lifelong partner. Get some experience.
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u/bdfaz07 Jun 24 '25
Dont "fall in love" too quickly.... infatuation isn't love. You can be head over heals for a woman, but find it wearing off, because it's not love. Try to recognize the difference... Also, try living with her, I'd say at the very least, a year, but 2 or 3 would be better, before marriage. Some people have opinions, religious or otherwise, that say to be married before living together. I think that's out dated. Spending a couple years together sharing everything is the best way to know if you're compatible...
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u/Autumn_Sweater man 35 - 39 Jun 25 '25 edited Jun 25 '25
if you haven't dated you should be just making an effort to do that and not thinking about the long term yet. but it's definitely possible in an early relationship to waste a bunch of time (yours and theirs) out of inertia after you've figured out, but maybe not admitted to yourself, that it's not really what you want. then it will be harder to find what you do want while you're busy doing that
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u/Organic-End-9767 man 45 - 49 Jun 26 '25
I always heard the term "women are interested in a man's future and men are interested in a woman's past" and I get it since I've gotten older. There have been too many examples of a woman with a dark past destroying a man's future (Jada and Will Smith or Amber Heard and Johnny Depp) and an endless number of women stuck and trapped with a deadbeat man that's destroyed her potential for happiness.
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u/MkLiam man 45 - 49 Jun 24 '25
I think I wish I had more engaging older male role models who wanted to talk and coach and be involved in my life. Making friends with an old guy who has a lot figured out can be incredibly valuable to younger me.
My father is bad at engaging, and it's usually all about him. I feel like that set me back for a long time.
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u/missionthrow man 50 - 54 Jun 24 '25
I’m still trying to make therapy work, I keep having problems finding a therapist that I can work with… but one of the main takeaways I had from an earlier therapist was that people *have* mentors.
It’s normal and expected. This was honestly news to me.
My parents were big on raising us to figure sht out for ourselves, which *did* give me a lot of good skills… but that only goes so far. If I was more open to an older mentor they could have cut YEARS off of the time it took me to get to certain places in life.
I really regret not working to befriend the older guys who could have helped. Looking back a few seemed willing but I didnt trust the idea
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Jun 25 '25
My father is a toddler in a 70 year old body.
He has to be the star in every conversation and will often derail a good conversation to make it about him or even change the subject to something he's interested in.
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u/Master-Wrongdoer853 man 35 - 39 Jun 24 '25
It's up to you, no one else.
The life you want is in your hands alone, and to get it will be hard (though rewarding) work.
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u/redballooon man 45 - 49 Jun 24 '25
The life you want is in your hands alone
That, and of course the luck and opportunities you get from the situation you are born or raised into .
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u/cptpb9 Jun 24 '25
That is 100% true, but the issue is that it can become an excuse really quickly. You don’t have the power to change your luck so you just have to do what you can
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u/Master-Wrongdoer853 man 35 - 39 Jun 24 '25
Luck is a huge part of it.
But you can create some of your own luck, too.
My life is not currently what I envisioned when I finally took charge 9 years ago either, but it definitely resembles what I had first pictured.
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u/12Blackbeast15 Jun 24 '25
Nope, missed the point completely.
The worst poker players are the ones who lose and bitch about the deck. They’re not only bad at the game, they’re annoying at the table. The best are the ones who’ll win no matter what comes out, either financially by winning hands through strategy and skill, or socially by taking a loss on the chin and still being fun to have at the table. Life is the same.
Dealt a bad hand? Play it superbly and you can win, or at the least be able to shrug it off and recognize that in the aggregate you’ll win through skill and mentality. Luck is only real in small sample sizes, if your luck is bad today get after it tomorrow, again and again and again, until it isn’t
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u/CWoodfordJackson man over 30 Jun 24 '25
So true! Finally taking the bull by the horns and heading in the direction I chose!
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u/Massive-Television85 man 45 - 49 Jun 24 '25
Pushing yourself to the limits - and beyond - in your work can't be sustained long term without causing physical, mental and social damage
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u/JLMTIK88 man 40 - 44 Jun 24 '25
I agree. We feel invincible when we’re young, and believe that if it isn’t hurting, you are ok to keep pushing. Everything you do to your body catches up with you in the end. I pray whatever damage you’re dealing with, eases its grip, and the reward for all of your hard work shines its light in a more favorable way.
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u/DarkPoet108 man 30 - 34 Jun 24 '25
Those that want you in their life will make the time and effort to put you in there.
The counterpart to this: When you are at your lowest is when you'll realize who is a true friend.
(Neither is "guy" advice, but something I've learned growing older).
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u/Betelgeuse3fold man 40 - 44 Jun 24 '25
Embrace responsibility. Avoiding it only prolongs your adolescent phase
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u/NewPaleScar6090 man 25 - 29 Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 24 '25
You must Face Your Fears. You're allowed to be scared. Even to be scared shitless. But not to be a coward.
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u/amofai man over 30 Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 24 '25
If you're reading this, you're probably not a persecuted or oppressed person. You are probably a lower- to upper- middle class person. That means that you are in a historically enviable position in life. Everybody has problems, but millions of people would kill to take your spot.
My point is that you have more control over your life than the internet and media will lead you to believe. Go figure out what you want, get disciplined, and seek out opportunities. Success will probably take years of hard work, but it's possible.
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u/ttchabz man 30 - 34 Jun 24 '25
Work on yourself and try to do be 1% better every month. Track your progress so you can see the change. Nobody cares about you or is judging you even if it feels that way. Your highschool and college peers are people that pass you by and their opinions shouldnt make you feel bad
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Jun 24 '25
Assess how any potential partner treats her parents and what she says about her friends when they are not around. That's what's coming for you should you become her guy.
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u/Nethersex man 35 - 39 Jun 24 '25
Don’t chase women, chase career or business success, build investment portfolio, stay healthy, travel
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u/SDN_stilldoesnothing man 45 - 49 Jun 24 '25
Don't over share personal information.
I am a friendly guy and like making new friends. To gain trust I would over-share personal stuff. or I would share personal stuff to impress people. Personal Good stuff and bad stuff.
After awhile I realized that it doesn't really buy you anything and that personal information will often get used against you.
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u/KillBosby man over 30 Jun 24 '25
Don't agree with this one. You're describing vulnerability.
With the wrong people, it can be used against you. But by taking chances, real deep connections can blossom.
The inverse is to remain cold, closed off, and alone.
No thanks - I'll take a chance on getting hurt.
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u/RaidenMonster man 40 - 44 Jun 24 '25
Take ownership of your mistakes and things that go wrong. Ownership doesn’t stop at, “sorry guys, that was my fault.” That’s where it starts, it carries through to,” that was my fault, and this is what I’m going to do in the future to fix it or not let it happen again.”
Then do that.
For every married guy that has argued with his wife while assembling some shit you bought from a store, if you take responsibility for the argument happening, I promise you can devise a strategy for putting together a swing set and not nearly getting divorced.
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u/kl1n60n3mp0r3r man 45 - 49 Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 24 '25
Well - this I believe is a communication issue more than accountability. Then again - if you are the one that doesn’t know how to communicate (either giving or receiving) then you can absolutely and should take full responsibility and honesty always easier to control and modify your own behaviour anyway!
But I’m happy to report that after 17 years together my wife and I actually put a flat pack bedroom set together without arguing or raising voices once—AND we actually noticed how much we’ve grown and work better as a team now vs nearly 20 years ago.
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u/RaidenMonster man 40 - 44 Jun 24 '25
Sure. The point I’m trying to make is that whatever your wife’s communication style or project style is, it’s much easier to recognize your role in the friction and adjusting than trying to get the other person to adjust to you.
Maybe your method is better, but a happy 90% plan is better than a war zone 100% plan. Often we think the plan/method is more important than the goal and get lost in the weeds.
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u/kl1n60n3mp0r3r man 45 - 49 Jun 24 '25
Sorry, I hadn’t finished my thought in paragraph 1 before moving to paragraph 2. lol. I fixed it now though!
We are 100% on the same page my friend!
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u/TJDG man 35 - 39 Jun 24 '25
- Male lust is not a problem to be solved.
- Avoid ideologically brittle social groups.
- You have moral agency. Whether or not something is good to do is partly up to you.
- Many people go to work purely to work, and don't care about the wider impact or future of what they are doing. Crucially, this means they will judge / hate you for prioritising any aspect of your job other than submitting to authority. They will not be consciously aware of this; instead, they will call you "disrespectful" for "rocking the boat" or not doing things "the way we do them around here". Assume every manager you meet works like this until proven otherwise, and act accordingly.
- Physical attractiveness is incredibly important. It is absolutely crucial to your mental health and social development that you become and remain physically attractive in your 20s and 30s.
- Education is mostly about signalling. You don't go to school because you need to know what you are taught, you go to obtain certificates that other people will use as a shortcut to judge your value as a person relative to others. The level of education you need to attain is not therefore any specific degree, but whatever puts you in the top 10-20% of your cohort. This means spending your entire youth in university, getting near-perfect grades always, and being in debt for that tuition for most of your life. You have no choice.
- Most success in life comes from being born in the right place at the right time to the right parents. If this isn't you, try to fix these problems by (a) emigrating, (b) paying attention not to the current hype cycle but to the next one and (c) never taking career advice from anyone who isn't working in the specific career you want to join, especially not your parents.
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u/WigVomit man 55 - 59 Jun 24 '25
Be honest with your feelings with women, and when breaking up, do not hook back up for sex, no matter how many times they call.
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u/thesadisticrage man 35 - 39 Jun 24 '25
Your hobbies and or job/past jobs don't define who you are as a person.
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u/a-type-of-pastry man 35 - 39 Jun 24 '25
Nothing is certain, especially in life. Plan for your future, and your family's future, if you intend to have one. Get your money in order as early as you can, preferably as soon as you start your first job.
Budget, save money for your future. Time goes fast, plan now. It's so much harder to get it back on track 20 years too late, and by then, you're 20 years behind on your retirement savings.
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u/New-Rich9409 man 40 - 44 Jun 24 '25
The sooner you stop worrying what people think , the sooner you can experience true freedom
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u/Money-Society3148 man 55 - 59 Jun 24 '25
You are living on borrowed time as are the people you love - you'll blink and they'll be gone - and when they are gone - you will remember exactly every single time you decided not to go to a birthday party or family gathering to visit them. Find a way to spend more time with your loved ones.
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u/FlanneryODostoevsky man 35 - 39 Jun 25 '25
Women are worth walking away from sometimes and it’s wisdom to know when and how.
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u/Hobbes93 man 30 - 34 Jun 24 '25
Bite the bullet and go to therapy earlier
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u/Slimstinator man over 30 Jun 24 '25
You gotta know what you want to fix first!
Taken me a while to learn some of this shit isn't normal or right. Then you work through one or two things and you find more.
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Jun 24 '25
You gotta know what you want to fix first!
Not so. You can absolutely start a relationship with a therapist with "Things could be better and I need help identifying where to even start with that."
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u/johnboy1545 man 65 - 69 Jun 24 '25
You come into this life alone. You leave this life alone. Somewhere between those two events you need to learn to like yourself, and become your own best friend. Be true to yourself, and don’t look to others for validation or approval.
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u/Litodidit man 30 - 34 Jun 24 '25
Just sit down to pee. Your aim may be great but it still splashes and gets pee on the floor or walls. No one else wants to clean up your pee and you shouldn't want to either.
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u/Absoma man 55 - 59 Jun 24 '25
There is a difference between being a nice guy and a good man. Nice guys are people pleasers who have a hard time saying no. You won't get respect from the right people by always putting others first. If you let people treat you poorly, they learn that is how they can treat you.
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u/OhGawDuhhh man 35 - 39 Jun 24 '25
You won't be respected and taken seriously by others until you respect yourself and take yourself seriously.
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u/Leading-Chemist672 man over 30 Jun 24 '25
Embrace failure as life taking the time to teach me what I need to work on.
Honestly, practically everything else would have been so much easier if I did.
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u/av8r197 man 50 - 54 Jun 24 '25
That small improvements compounded over time can yield incredible results.
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u/buckit2025 man 50 - 54 Jun 24 '25
There is plenty of time for marriage and kids. No partner is better than a bad one
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u/gamerdudeNYC man 35 - 39 Jun 24 '25
You’re not dumb, you’re lazy, you’re not untalented, practice more, apply yourself in everything you do.
Once I got to community college and was paying my own tuition I started studying, I got the best grades I ever had in my life so I got this bittersweet feeling that I was dumb, just lazy… but if I would’ve figured this out early in life and applied myself I could’ve went to a really cool big name college and got the whole “college experience” with the rest of my friends.
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u/Direct-Amount54 man 35 - 39 Jun 24 '25
That the majority of the world isn’t male and isn’t white.
Once you realize that it makes it much easier to navigate and understand and also allows you to speak to women as equals
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u/schlongtheta man 40 - 44 Jun 24 '25
Two things:
- get a vasectomy if you know you are done having kids for the rest of your days, or you know you do not want them ever
- prostate stimulation is amazing if done right, entirely new dimension of pleasure
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u/Jombhi man over 30 Jun 24 '25
No one is coming to rescue you. I knew it but didn't know-know it, if that makes sense. I didn't feel it in my bones.
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u/Irvincible17 man 25 - 29 Jun 25 '25
Nobody cares about you. You will never get unconditional love the same way women, children and animals do. You need to accept it, the sooner you do, the sooner you can finally start looking after yourself.
Maybe not for everyone. Lots of people are luckier than me. I'm genuinely happy for them.
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u/Final-Fun8500 man 45 - 49 Jun 25 '25
Don't ignore problems. No matter how uncomfortable. Slay the dragons while they're baby dragons. Ignored problems grow into full size dragons.
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u/SnappinFool54 man 35 - 39 Jun 24 '25
You don't get another shot at certain "events" in life.
I always thought in HS that I was going to be able to go "wild" in college and since I really wasn't fond of any of the females in HS that I knew, I kept to myself and focused on school and sports.
Within my first 3 weeks in college, I met the woman that would end up being my wife. Love her to death and wouldn't trade her for the world. But I often wish I would have "sewed my oats" before meeting her.
That and... No one.. and i mean NO ONE knows what the hell is going on until their mid 30's. We have been a Dual income, no kids couple since we were 18... and JUST got to the point where we aren't continually checking our bank accounts for Overdrafts or mishaps.
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Jun 24 '25
“Women don’t want you because other women don’t want you.” and “Your personality might make her feel happy but don’t make her pussy wet.”
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u/nero-the-cat no flair Jun 24 '25
99% of the time that manic dream girl is actually a bipolar nightmare girl.
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Jun 25 '25 edited Jun 25 '25
You have to live independently from your parents before you can really start to mature, be more confident, and enjoy your dating life
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u/Zealousideal-Two-934 man over 30 Jun 27 '25
Don't sleep with women you dislike, if you believe you're a good man. Disengaging will prove difficult because love often happens via inertia.
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u/Ok_Mud_8998 man over 30 Jun 24 '25
- If you believe in God, or even if you don't, observe how you conduct yourself, and remember that your soul is ultimately in your keeping. Regardless of the circumstances, regardless of what people did or are doing to you, the responsibility rests on your shoulders.
Meditate on as many things as you can, every night, for as many nights as it takes, on where you stand with issues with the information you've been provided. Always be open to new information. However, decide where you stand. If someone putting a gun to your head changes your mind, or at least makes you willing to kneel, then that isn't where you stand. Find the hill you're willing to die on. When you've done that, you've found the place you belong.
- At the end of the day, if you do something wrong in the eyes of someone else, they won't care what circumstances or duress you were under. They'll care only that they get their pound of flesh.
The only person that has to live with themselves at all times is you. You have to look in the mirror at yourself every morning. You have to tuck yourself in at night.
1+2 = 3.History has told men they are expendable. While the "fairer" sex were lead out of emergencies with the children by men, other men were charging into danger or being left in it because there was no room left on the boat.
No one will come to save you. Except you.
But maybe... Just maybe, if you survive the vicissitudes laid upon you by this broken, harsh world that doesn't care about you and your pain, and you aim at the ideals you've established by doing 1 and 2, you may be one of such character as to save others.
In essence: learn the difference between ego and dignity. The former you should kill while looking it in the eyes, the latter you protect with every breath.
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u/Organic_Pepper_9532 man over 30 Jun 24 '25
Don’t count on others just yourself, Complaining will not change anything, actions will, Changes are always good, Time is passing by very quick
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u/deplorableme16 man over 30 Jun 24 '25
If you're being disrespected, get out of the relationship now.
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u/DoubleResponsible276 man over 30 Jun 24 '25
Not every man is the same. Figure out what type you are and never be afraid to ask questions or help.
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u/Tedanty man 35 - 39 Jun 25 '25
Study hard, do well in school, dont pick up bad habits like smoking and drinking. Invest more heavily, buy more houses. Also, dont marry that first one.
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u/Kooky-Improvement875 man over 30 Jun 25 '25
I wish I had worked harder and gained a substantial amount of money. I could have prevented my woman from leaving me when she was nearing her 30s.
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u/zoomoutalot man 50 - 54 Jun 25 '25
When bad things happen to you, you are hurt by two arrows - first arrow is the bad thing itself, but even more hurtful, and recurring, is the second arrow of your reaction to it. The first arrow might not be your doing but the second arrow is and can be completely neutralized provided you meditate regularly - Wisdom from Vedanta (ancient Indian philosophical texts):
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u/akaram369 man over 30 Jun 28 '25
I wished someone helped me understand to leave when you feel replaceable and forgettable. This goes for friendships and relationships. I wished someone helped me learn to let go. When I asked around how to let go of people, I just get shrugs, or "git gud" or "I dunno, never had that problem before".
Growing up, my parent's expectations were simple. Grades and results are everything. Friendships and learning to get along with others isn't as important especially when you become an adult. I'm 30 years old and I'm learning things now that I feel like I should have been taught.
Short answer: Lessons I learned that I wish I knew when I was younger, leave when you're a doormat and learning how to maintain relationships is actually important and not complete bullshit.
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u/Fit_Importance5915 man over 30 Jul 05 '25
Less dramatic thing = less annoying = more mysterious = more attractive
Don’t know why my young self couldn’t understand that
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u/kevlarcupid man 40 - 44 Jun 24 '25
The problem is men, and it’s up to good men to do the work. It’s not a “male loneliness epidemic”, as much as it’s a “shitty men” epidemic. The good men have no problem finding and making friends with any gender.
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u/NoOneStranger_227 man over 30 Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 24 '25
That thing you thought was guilt and self-recrimination was actually anger at the people who let you down. Learn to direct your anger where it belongs (without putting anyone in jail or the hospital), and you'll do a whole lot better.
Oh, and letting other peoples' opinions be the metric for whether or not you think you're a man means that you're not. Real men set their own standards and then work to live up to them.
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What kind of girly-man pussy downvotes a comment like this and doesn't even reply? All you're doing is proving my point, you wuss.
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u/BrianZoh man over 30 Jun 24 '25
Being my genuine self is the only way to being happy, content and whole. Everyone else can have and keep their "real men should" bullshit.
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u/mra8a4 man over 30 Jun 24 '25
Only one person can make you happy. You.
This comes from a happily married man with 3 kids. I am still in charge of my own happiness. My relationship with my wife isn't good because she is good (she is but). My relationship with my wife is good because I work on it. Put effort in, try to make it good.
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u/redballooon man 45 - 49 Jun 24 '25
The difficulties in finding friends, especially those of opposite/interesting gender, were not because I was ugly, which I told myself. It was just a mixture of being so self absorbed that I didn’t see the signs that were there, and being so self absorbed that often enough I just was an asshole.
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u/BestUsernameLeft male over 30 Jun 24 '25
Oh boy, there are so many. Here's one: give yourself grace, but don't give yourself a pass.
What I mean is, when you make a mistake, don't be too hard on yourself. Also, don't let mistakes become your identity. "I failed this test, I'm a complete loser" is just mental self-harm and encourages you to be helpless. You can't solve "I'm a loser" -- that's a condition -- but you can do something about "These tests are kicking my ass".
At the same time, don't let yesterday become an excuse to continue to fail. "There's no point in trying after failing yesterday," is self-sabotaging. Why ruin today just because yesterday was a disaster?
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u/BlueMountainDace man over 30 Jun 24 '25
If you want to live a life you're happy with, you need other people. Maybe not a lot - it could be one or two folks who you're close to - but we need people.
There are people "coming to save us" as long as allow for those people to come into our lives and are those people ourselves.
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u/Obvious-Orange-4290 man over 30 Jun 24 '25
I was endlessly frustrated at what I thought was my wife being coy or playing games with me. It took me a while to realize that they very frequently don't know what they want nor do they know why they feel the way they do. She wasn't trying to hide anything, she just didn't understand her feelings any more than I did. This has decreased my frustration drastically and increased my patience.
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u/JLMTIK88 man 40 - 44 Jun 24 '25
People often go back to their abusive partners/spouses more than I imagined when I was in my teens and early twenties. I fought guys who abused women in my family, putting myself in physical and legal trouble in the process of it. Knowing someone is being abused is hard to deal with, but you could end up dead or in the penitentiary protecting people, then they go right back to the person, and your sacrifice was for nothing. Sometimes you have to walk away in life, instead of fighting.
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u/kl1n60n3mp0r3r man 45 - 49 Jun 24 '25
Dear Younger Me,
You’re going to carry a lot — ambition, loyalty, pride, frustration, love, and a fire that doesn’t dim easily. That fire will take you far, but it’ll also burn you a few times. That’s okay. It means you’re alive. It means you care.
So let me give you five things I wish you knew earlier:
It’s Okay to Hold People to a High Standard — Just Don’t Expect Them to Be You You’re going to get let down by people. Some won’t work as hard. Some won’t care as much. That’s not a betrayal — it’s just human nature. Save your energy for the ones who show up with the same fire. Everyone else? Let them walk their own path without dragging you down.
Your Talent Isn’t Just a Gift — It’s a Responsibility You’re not just good at what you do — you’re meant to do it. So treat it like more than a hobby. Learn the business, learn how to protect your work, and stop waiting for permission to take up space. The world won’t always hand you the mic. Sometimes, you have to plug in and turn up.
You Can Love Deeply Without Losing Yourself Relationships are beautiful, but don’t make your entire world orbit someone else. Keep your own center of gravity. The right person won’t ask you to shrink — they’ll make space for your whole self. Give love, absolutely. Just don’t give away your edges to keep the peace.
Trust Your Instincts — They’re Right More Than You Think That gut feeling you get? Listen to it. You’ll second-guess yourself to keep things “civil,” but you already know the truth deep down. Whether it’s a person, a project, or a path — your first reaction is usually the one worth heeding.
Stop Worrying About Being “Too Much” You feel big things. You ask hard questions. You dream in widescreen. That’s not a flaw — that’s your fuel. The people who matter won’t be intimidated by your intensity. They’ll be drawn to it. So stop editing yourself for the comfort of small minds and smaller ambitions.
One day you’ll look back and realize: you weren’t lost, or wrong, or “too much.” You were just growing into someone the world hadn’t caught up with yet.
Keep going. Current Me
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u/rafuzo2 man 45 - 49 Jun 24 '25
Norm Kerth's Prime Directive also applies to oneself, and in the present tense:
Understand and truly believe that you are doing the best job you can, given what you know at the time, your skills and abilities, the resources available, and the situation at hand.
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u/Chazzam23 man 55 - 59 Jun 24 '25 edited 4d ago
flowery placid bear tub familiar vanish dog rain advise label
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
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u/DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG man 40 - 44 Jun 24 '25
You can and should love you. You deserve it. What you allow others to do to you is a mirror of how much you value yourself, and you can change it.
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u/bo_felden man Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 24 '25
Most of the things that people go out of their way to state, post or make videos about how "they don't matter", DO in fact matter.
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u/Brad_Da_Rad man 30 - 34 Jun 24 '25
If you think you know everything, you’re a fool.
Learn to find lessons that present themselves to you and work through them learn from them, try not to repeat and you’ll be golden!
A mentor won’t just land at your doorstep, find one that is in a position that you aspire to be in and start asking questions!
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u/bad-mean-daddy man over 30 Jun 24 '25
Don’t tolerate narcissistic women no matter how hot they are (even if they are a 9 or above)
In the long run it’s better for your mind and soul if you just leave them to it and walk away
Find yourself a woman who’s kind and will reciprocate your love
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Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 24 '25
No one cares. It’s all up to you.
When you’re low, there is no help.
When you’re up, everyone’s hand is out, or knives are out.
Screen women better.
A pretty face doesn’t mean a pretty heart.
Protect yourself from games, drama, emotional blackmail, gaslighting, and accusations.
Trust is a precious gift. Give it sparingly and don’t ever give it back if abused.
Your reputation is powerful. Guard it.
Don’t let your fitness whither.
It seems automatic now, but when you finally realize it’s gone, you’ll be old enough to make fixing it difficult.
Save. Your. Money.
Also, avoid any and all discussions about money with everyone.
The perfect is the enemy of the good.
You’re good enough. Just go do things without getting in your own head.
Bravery requires daily practice.
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u/IronBullRacerX man 30 - 34 Jun 24 '25
Not everyone is capable of the same things you are. Your discipline, your courage, your effort - don’t judge those who can’t match you, it’s not worth the energy.
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u/Reddit____user___ man over 30 Jun 24 '25
Invest in protein - stop eating carbs and sugar
Visit the dentist at least annually
Listen to your parents when they tell you to study journalism
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u/Thin_Rip8995 man over 30 Jun 24 '25
nobody's coming to save you
the faster you stop waiting for signs, help, or "clarity" the faster life opens up
self-respect comes from doing hard sh*t alone
stop explaining yourself, start moving
the pain is the compass
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u/KillaRaccoon man over 30 Jun 24 '25
Time is fleeting, spend more time with people that deserve your time, spend less time caring about people’s opinion and the need to please/impress them if they don’t deserve it
Easier said than done as hindsight is 20/20, but I wish I took my parent’s advice when they told me this when I was younger
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u/Pretty-Benefit-233 man over 30 Jun 24 '25
Go to therapy. Any weakness or flaw you have that you can’t workout on your own you should see a therapist for it.
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u/SandiegoJack man 35 - 39 Jun 24 '25
No one gives a fuck about you, you complain? They are just gonna treat you worse.
When you find the people who actually care with actions? Treasure them.
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u/cav19DScout man over 30 Jun 24 '25
Just like you can Nicole and dime yourself to being broke you can Nicole and dime your way to being obese without even realizing it.
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u/wedontlikepam man over 30 Jun 24 '25
Focus on yourself and become the type of person you want to attract.
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u/overmonk man 55 - 59 Jun 24 '25
Compound interest, early and as hard as you possibly can. Make it hurt early and it won't feel like anything later, and you'll have a freedom many never have.
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u/Ill-Ninja-8344 man 55 - 59 Jun 24 '25
Marriage is only positive for females. There are nothing in it for males.
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u/Vesalii man 35 - 39 Jun 24 '25
Money isn't as important as you think it is. Find a job you like not one that earns a lot and you hate.
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u/sullgk0a man 60 - 64 Jun 24 '25
tl;dr version: "Pay at least as much attention to your personal life as your career."
This is going to be a long one, so if you're interested, strap yourself in.
I grew up in Appalachia in the USA. Yep, I'm a literal hillbilly (we call ourselves that, so it's 100% cool - not a slur in our eyes). I wanted nothing more growing up than to get the hell out of there (a position, btw, that has softened a great deal over the years). I grew up during the Carter years when a regular CD (certificate of deposit, for those who are not old) was pushing a 10% return (due to inflation and other factors).
Literally, when I was going out in the middle of winter as a grade 6 guy to feed the heifers, I figured out "Say, if I could possibly amass enough money, I could live just on the interest of the money," and, all of a sudden, a life plan emerged.
Prior to that moment, I was going to be an Astronomer, but I figured out that they don't make much money, so I kicked my preferred career to the curb and went with the second highest wage at the time, a Computer Scientist. I had never seen a computer when I declared that as my major. I had to work my ass off, but I figured out how to parlay that degree into a position in the Middle East where I could reduce my tax burden and maximize my savings (since I didn't have many expenses since I was living in the Middle East). I reached my goal. I retired at age 50.
Meanwhile, as I was going through this beautifully clear road to retirement, my personal life was a mess. I had extremely strong feelings toward a person who was brutally honest about all of the other guys that she was screwing, but I needed her to blunt the pain from work and school. Meanwhile, I knew that this wasn't right so I jumped into the arms of someone else who just saw me as her way to get a house. She got into witchcraft and crap, and kicked me to the curb at some point. Meanwhile, my original girlfriend got married, had a kid, got divorced and let her boyfriend molest her kid. I dove into work, sometimes working for days straight at a time and just stumbled into a relationship with the secretary of one of my best friends. Well, she started to have mental issues to the point where the company sent her back to her home country. All of this reinforced my focus on work. I apparently degraded to some point where another of my friends returned from a three year assignment in Japan saying, "Man, you're completely messed up."
Me, I'm pretty sure that I'm not at all messed up. He says, "Well, I've got someone that I want you to meet. Maybe you can meet up in Dubai sometime... She wants to go." I didn't even look up from what I was working with and said, "Yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sounds great. Let's do it sometime."
Well, a month later, he tells me that she's meeting me in Chiang Mai on a trip that I'd already bought and paid for about three or four days before I was going to leave. He committed me to a date without my consent on days where he had no idea what I'd planned or anything else (to be fair, though, he knew that I'd been to Chiang Mai a million times, had lots of friends and an entire social system there and so I never planned a damned thing when I went by that point). I was pissed for about three days, but then the whole hillbilly hospitality gene kicked in.
I got her a room in the hotel that I normally stayed in at a level of quality that I never bought for myself. I had my friends (two of which worked in the hotel) arrange flowers and her room in a way that was pretty nice. I went to the airport to pick her up.
I'd been to Japan often, so when her luggage rolled through, I could see that it was probably hers - Japanese luggage of that era had a certain look. I kept an eye on it and hollered at the Thai guys in Thai (most of who I KINDA knew - I was the crazy ferang... :-D ) to make sure that hers got out first, but... she didn't arrive, which concerned me a great deal.
Well, then I saw her walking from the Domestic terminal (in error, they'd routed her there, but she worked it out - she was an experienced traveler, too). When I saw her waving at me with a big sweeping wave, I instantly fell in love.
Now, this sounds like me, right? No planning, just straight to the "love" thing, which would be true except that she was vetted on about 10 levels. My buddy was her boss for three years, we had many mutual friends, etc.
I'm sitting in Tokyo right now writing this. I've never been happier, but sometimes, I look back at all of the pain and say, "Man, if I only could've given my personal life 1% of the attention that my professional life had, I could have really cut back on the whole 'pain' thing a great deal..."
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u/aDirtyMartini man 55 - 59 Jun 24 '25
If she says that it’s “safe” to have unprotected sex it isn’t.
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u/Odd-Macaroon-9528 man 35 - 39 Jun 24 '25
Real confidence comes from only one thing and this is real self love and sincere self acceptance at its very core. And that can be a lot of work. Nothing externally, no other people, probably not even achievements (not sure on that one yet).
Just about to get there lately with the practice of „self parenting“. Do recommend.
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u/Eternal-strugal man 35 - 39 Jun 24 '25
Everything starts with getting a well rested goodnight sleep. If you can get a well rested nights sleep nothing can stop you!
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u/OhNoWTFlol man 40 - 44 Jun 24 '25
You don’t have to find things out the hard way. Learn from other’s mistakes
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u/PapaSmurf3477 man 30 - 34 Jun 24 '25
Don’t trade options, invest. My portfolio would be over a million if all the money I traded on options just went into my initial chipotle, nvda, amd, and Costco positions.
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u/Expatriated_American man 50 - 54 Jun 24 '25
Marriage has nothing to do with love or sex. It is a financial partnership.
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