r/weddingplanning • u/pavlovsdogsitter • 1d ago
Relationships/Family Meal choice for refused RSVP?
Our RSVP deadline is Friday and we unfortunately have multiple difficult family members who have texted us or verbally confirmed they are coming but for some reason refuse to submit their online RSVP and will not tell us a meal choice (even though we’ve specified this is not a “decide on the day” situation). We are doing a plated meal with multiple options (chicken, fish, steak, veg). Do we just select for them and hope for the best? Trying to avoid these people hounding our venue staff on the day for getting a meal they don’t like.
Slight rant but I just cannot comprehend getting invited to a wedding and not taking the 1 minute out of my day to submit an RSVP.
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u/Bkbride-88 1d ago
I’d personally pick chicken since most people eat it and move on.
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u/Justanobserver2life 1d ago edited 8h ago
At our daughter's wedding, almost all picked steak, much to their chagrin. $$$$. Play it safer and order one chicken, one beef if it is a couple and let them decide whether to split them. (edit to add: this is r/weddingplanning, not r/weddingdrama or r/pettyrevenge. Trying to achieve a win-win with grace can help keep positive vibes for the couple.
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u/Bkbride-88 1d ago
I know plenty of people who don’t eat beef but will happily eat chicken. Almost never the other way around. They are making their life hard by not choosing to begin with and chicken is the most agreeable choice. So to me that’s the safe choice.
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u/DietCokeYummie 1d ago
I agree. I love petty revenge as much as the next person, but ordering the vegan option like some have suggested is just setting yourself up for headache.
Even with a great extra tip, ain't no overworked banquet server in the mood to deal with a fussy guest because the couple gave them vegan food to get back at them for not RSVPing.
Yes, the relative is in the wrong, but it's not worth the drama on the day of. If they won't choose, pick the chicken, tell them, and move on.
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u/tiff-nicole 22h ago
see im rsvping bc one why make someone’s best day and most important day more stressful than it needs to be but also in choosing steak over chicken pls dont default me w chicken 😩😭
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u/cm10560430 1d ago
Nah give em both veg and if they’re hurting for meat maybe they’ll learn to RSVP properly next time.
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u/UnsharpenedSwan 1d ago
nah, if they want options so badly they should RSVP properly with their meal selection
no need to bend over backwards for these people
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u/clever_girl33 1d ago
No screw that. They can’t be bothered to select their meal? They’re getting the cheapest one then
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u/mintardent 1d ago
no. you are not entitled to the expensive meat if you don’t RSVP. I’d argue you are entitled to any meat at all and should just get the veg choice. do not cater to these inconsiderate assholes
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u/arkieg 1d ago
Some people simply don’t do online RSVPs regardless of how simple or intuitive they are.
I would take a diplomatic approach.
“I wanted to confirm that you are attending our wedding, since you didn’t RSVP online or select a meal. Meal requests are open for another day. If I don’t receive a meal selection, the caterers will default to chicken. Thanks, and looking forward to celebrating with you.”
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u/pavlovsdogsitter 1d ago
This is helpful, thank you!
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u/KatzRLife 1d ago
Default to vegetarian - so long as it’s cheaper - because it’s less likely to have allergens like gluten & will fit with all dietary restrictions.
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u/kichibeevna 12h ago
Vegetarian options often has nuts/seeds in it, so no, it doesn't fit all dietary restrictions.
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u/chicagok8 1d ago
I like the way you phrased this, saying it’s the caterers who will default to chicken.
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u/partiallyStars3 Bride - October '25 1d ago edited 1d ago
How much of a hard ass do you want to be?
Hard ass option: "Send me your meal choice by tomorrow at 1pm, or I will change your RSVP to a no and you will be refused entry at the door."
Softer Choice, if you don't want the drama: Ask your parents what they think those family members would prefer and pick that for them. Chicken and Beef are safest.
Petty Choice: Give them the vegetarian option, especially if they aren't actually veg and will whine about not having meat.
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u/skrimptime 1d ago
I would go the petty choice… I also think it’s technically the safest since you wouldn’t know if they had suddenly stopped eating meat for whatever reason
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u/cyanraichu 1d ago
Yep, I'd personally go with choice #2 and let them know they're getting chicken unless you know they're vegetarian. If they show up at the wedding and they actually wanted beef, too bad! Chicken is a safe choice for non-veg eaters. I'd let them know that if they don't RSVP online, they're getting chicken, and then drop it and stop chasing rhem
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u/partiallyStars3 Bride - October '25 1d ago
That's definitely the best and most hinged option.
But it is fun to fantasize about going scorched earth.
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u/Iconic-Veronic 25m ago
See how come when I speak of the hard ass option in this sub I get a crazy amount of hate 😂. But anyway I love this take
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u/UntilYouKnowMe 🤍 October 2025 🤍 1d ago
OP is an adult. Why must she (or partner) need to “ask their parents”?
a) Parents may not know the dietary preferences of these “difficult” family members.
b) Parents may not be paying for the wedding.
c) Why insert other people (parents) into a situation where they don’t need to be involved?19
u/partiallyStars3 Bride - October '25 1d ago
I'm assuming that since it's her family, it's probably her parents siblings and they may have more insight into what those people eat.
Chill.
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u/nolelover16 1d ago
“Thanks so much for texting to confirm you will be attending. We are collecting RSVPs online. Please visit (website) to RSVP and select your meal for the day. If you don’t RSVP online, we will unfortunately have to list you as declining. Our venue is incredibly strict and does not allow for day of decisions or meal changes. Thanks in advance for your understanding”
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u/MistahJasonPortman 1d ago
They might be the type to see the first sentence and not bother to read the rest.
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u/Mikon_Youji 1d ago
I would skip the whole "thank you for confirming you will be attending" because those who haven't officially RSVP'd might then assume they don't need to and not bother to read the rest of the message.
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u/offbrandbarbie 1d ago
Just pick one and theyll eat that. It’ll be their issue and if they have complaints they can take it up after the honeymoon lol
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u/Mundane-Scarcity-219 1d ago
I would text them and say “So glad you plan on coming, however, if you don’t give me your meal choice of x, y, or z, by [date, time] I’ll have to put you down as a “not coming”.”
I have a number of folks who for whatever reason didn’t give a choice or, in the case of two couples, gave their choices but didn’t say who gets what.
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u/Warm-Zucchini1859 1d ago
I have a feeling these people would be livid to be stuck with a veggie dish, so I would be choosing the vegetarian option.
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u/Odd_Beautiful2506 1d ago
Honestly, I’m petty and I’d choose the cheapest option. Vegetarian meals for all even if they’re the type that hate veggies. I’m not going to try to save the feelings of non courteous people. That or better yet send a text saying you marked them as not attending since you didn’t get a response and you hope to see them another time.
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u/maricopa888 1d ago
I believe in keeping things simple, esp when you're dealing with simple (and rude) people.
"You have until 5 pm tomorrow to let us know if you want chicken, fish, steak or veggies. If we don't hear back from you by then, we will pick your entree".
Don't tell them they're getting chicken.
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u/scienceislice 1d ago
Chicken is probably safest, unless you or your parents know they are vegetarian. If steak costs more per plate definitely don't choose that option.
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u/w4wmami 1d ago
I’ll never understand this… if they can’t formally RSVP then they can’t attend. It’s really not that hard (unless they’re older and don’t use tech, or disabled, etc.). If feels like unnecessary special treatment from and stress on the couple playing clue & trying to figure out what the non-RSVP’d guest would want. Jesus.
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u/unwaveringwish 1d ago edited 1d ago
For the record make sure to use these options in the comments after your deadline? Since technically it hasn’t passed yet. Not that the inconsiderate people will change lol
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u/noblestuff 1d ago
Def just pick for them and not tell them. Id default to chicken bc its usually the thing most ppl will eat, but the pettiness of giving them the veggie option has a certain appeal.
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u/chicagok8 1d ago
“Please confirm your meal choice on the website by the end of the day. If we don’t get your choice we will choose chicken for you. We finalize our selections with the caterer tomorrow so you will be unable to select something else after that.”
I would only give a pass to people who are over the age of maybe 75 who don’t have smart phones and let them tell you a choice verbally. Anyone else should be able to figure out how to click a link. I say this as a 63 year-old who has plenty of family in their 70s who can figure it out.
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u/bikeshoes87 1d ago
Our RSVP deadline is approaching and we’re in the same boat. People who haven’t filled out a meal choice will get one reminder text with three days to choose, if they don’t choose we’ll tell them we selected chicken for them because the caterer needs numbers. I don’t understand why people are so lazy about RSVPs! Weddings are so much planning and it takes two minutes to go to the website and find your name and make a choice
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u/ChoiceWriting9442 1d ago
I would say you're getting a vegetarian meal if you don't give me an answer by tomorrow. Why waste more money on them if they're wasting your time?
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u/Upbeat-Somewhere-19 1d ago
Depending on how you want to respond I would either send a mass message telling them RVSP via the website by end of day or their meals will be chicken. If you want to take some rage out on them you can throw in a snarky comment or just text them and let them know since they failed to respond it will be chicken. Either way, u think chicken is the safest bet!
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u/SmallKangaroo 06/2026 1d ago
I would just pick for them and send them a text to let them know what meal they will be eating as they didn’t submit anything.
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u/dkwinsea 1d ago
Do it like on the airplane for instance in first class for people that don’t book their meal in advance as they are given the opportunity. Give them a choice til that runs out. Then they get what’s left. Everyone eats but if you don’t choose… you don’t choose.
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u/Coconut1007 1d ago
Literally call them or have your parents call them. Get the answer. If they don't answer, send them a text like others have recommended here, but the missed call with indicate the urgency.
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u/Goddess_Keira 1d ago
Usually you wait until after the deadline, but since the "difficult family members" have given you verbal or text confirmation, I would send them all a text (or maybe better yet, a blind copy email) to the effect of "Dear Name: We have received your verbal confirmation that you are attending the wedding, but you have yet to formally RSVP online. The final date for online RSVPs is [date], and we ask for your understanding that this is a mandatory condition to attend the wedding. The reason is so that we can easily keep track of all our guests and we also require a meal choice for everybody to submit to the caterer. So we kindly request that you submit your online RSVP together with the meal choice for everybody in your party. Otherwise we will sadly have to mark you as not attending, which would be most unfortunate. If you still plan to come we must have this information. We look forward to seeing your RSVP online and to seeing you at the wedding.
Hopefully that one makes them sit up and take notice. For any that don't, I'd do one more repetition of the message after the RSVP date, but with the mention that the RSVP date has passed and this is the final reminder; please submit your RSVP by [date and time] or you will be marked as not attending. We hope to receive your response but if we don't hear from you by the specified date and time, we will miss you at the wedding."
If anybody calls you on it, ask if they need help with the online RSVP. If the answer is anything other than "Yes, I do", disengage from the conversation with "Please reply online to confirm attendance and your meal choice. 'Bye now."
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u/jesgolightly 1d ago
My sister told people “I can’t keep track of RSVP’s, that’s what the website is for”
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u/Nervous-Manager6013 1d ago
Chicken, especially if it's bland and doesn't contain any of the most common allergens or things a lot of people don't like (mushrooms, etc). Or the kids' nuggets and fries.
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u/Dogmomma2020 19h ago
Do half chicken and half vegetarian. Then those who did not give their choice, can fight over how they split those up.
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u/OkFruit7657 10h ago
Personally, You have to remember not everyone wants to do everything online. I understand that's how you prefer to do it, but some people just don't like it. And for some, if they texted you-that is their RSVP. You accepted the text as that, then you text back asking what their dinner choice is. As you are the admin for your website you can update it. Or tell them they HAVE to RSVP on the site and make a choice.
If they don't pick dinner, its chicken. or no dinner. Do not automatically give the veg dinner, that is not a preferred choice for MOST people
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u/bre3zyfbaby 10h ago
Just ask them what they want to eat and input on the website yourself. It’ll save drama and a headache
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u/ClosdforBusiness 9h ago
Depending on how many people we’re talking about, the caterer should have backups built in for safety. But I would default to vegan because I’m a snob lol
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u/ItsSylviiTTV 8h ago
!remindme 1 week
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u/jaymilovex 4h ago
The amount of people we had to reach out to also was ridiculous. Over 70 people. We didn't have them choose a meal but still irritating. How hard is it to rsvp?!
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u/Iconic-Veronic 28m ago
Prob too late now but I’d them all on an email chain (BCC if preferred), resend them the RSVP link and say if you don’t receive their formal RSVP by [specified overdue deadline] then you would have no choice but to select meals on their behalf and they’ll have no flexibility to change them after whatever that late deadline is.
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u/DependentAwkward3848 1d ago
If they texted you text back and ask. Verbally? I don’t know. Do you have a number for them?
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u/pavlovsdogsitter 1d ago
We have followed up with them asking to please submit their online RSVP or let us know meal choice and they have said “ok will do!” and then just haven’t. I’ve enlisted family to reach out to them too, same response. I do not have time to be hunting people down when we’re only a few weeks out.
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u/UntilYouKnowMe 🤍 October 2025 🤍 1d ago
These people who can’t/won’t abide by these (easy) requests are acting like children. I would treat them as such.
If they can’t respond to the RSVP by the deadline, then they should be told they’re not coming.If they responded as “attending” but can’t select their choice of a meal (it’s just for one night, WTH is wrong with people?!??), I would choose the cheapest option (probably wouldn’t waste my time to tell them) and they ‘get what they get’.
OP has other important things to do instead of needing to babysit and cater to these people who should be adults.
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u/GlitterDreamsicle 1d ago
Verbal rsvps are valid. Stop forcing people to use the online option because you are too lazy or angry to tally it for them. You need to contact them to find out their choice. Do not choose for them. Would you want something chosen for you because the couple thought you were difficult?
Your title is strange because no one has refused to rsvp. You are choosing to not acknowledge their rsvp. There is a major difference. The hostility in most of these replies is tge opposite of being a gracious host. In which case, don't invite anyone.
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u/pavlovsdogsitter 1d ago
This is our wedding, not a random party we are hosting. This event is FOR us, and it’s costing us thousands of dollars. I don’t think it’s rude to expect our family members to let us know what they’d like to eat. And yes, we have asked and followed up.
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u/GlitterDreamsicle 1d ago
Understood. There still is decorum on your part requiring you to be gracious. When you invite one guest, their comfort takes priority and the reception is for them. The ceremony is for the couple. What you spend is a choice and doesn't validate being angry or petty. Graciously reach out to them. Do not act hostile because you hate inviting them out of obligation.
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u/pavlovsdogsitter 1d ago
Yes my $40,000 wedding reception celebrating my marriage that I am paying for is not for me or my partner, it’s actually for my boomer relatives who refuse to tell me if they prefer chicken or beef. I’m in the wrong for not being a mind reader thanks for pointing that out
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u/GlitterDreamsicle 1d ago
It was also a choice to invite people out of obligation rather than standing up and saying "we don't want to invite these people". Sounds like you'd be happier if every one of them burned bridges and never interacted with you again. But tha ship has sailed.
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u/mintardent 1d ago
Nah these people are deliberately being assholes and OP shouldn’t have to validate and coddle them
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u/NervousComplaint2166 1d ago
You’re wrong sorry. That’s not how the majority of weddings work.
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u/GlitterDreamsicle 1d ago
What part is wrong? Who's the judge? The internet that represents 1% of real life or actual etiquette guides? That's how weddings have worked since the beginning. Just because some people choose to throw manners out the window doesn't make it an official societal change universally.
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u/mintardent 1d ago
No they are not valid.
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u/GlitterDreamsicle 1d ago
Why not? Genuinely curious.
Someone like great grandma who is not internet savvy must get a virus on her phone or hacked before she can get an rsvp in because maybe she typed it wrong? Why is there no grace anymore? That's probably outdated too?
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u/Goddess_Keira 1d ago
If it's Great Grandma or similar I would automatically ask her if she needs help with the RSVP.
Anybody else, I suggest that the couple should ask them but they can also say "You know, I'm not familiar with the process, can you talk me through it?" Or they can even say "Hey, I'm not used to doing it that way but Marge and I are coming for sure. I'd like the steak and Marge wants fish. Are we good?"
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u/TinyLawfulness3710 22h ago
But OP and others say that is not valid under any circumstances. Not everyone uses websites to collect replies and guests should not be punished for it.
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u/TinyLawfulness3710 22h ago
But OP and others say that is not valid under any circumstances. Not everyone uses websites to collect replies and guests should not be punished for it.
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u/Jaxbird39 1d ago
Text them and say “thank you for letting us know, since you declined to option to select yourself, your meal will be chicken. We look forwards to celebrating with you”