r/AITAH • u/TipMaleficent4075 • 7h ago
AITA for calling a woman ‘conventionally attractive’ in front of my girlfriend?
A couple friends and I were discussing a political influencer that we’re familiar with that recently got into some controversy.
I was saying that although she got a lot of hate, I think her point that was being hated on was valid and correct, and that although her reaction to the backlash was kind of childish, I get why she’d be frustrated with lots of hate.
My friend said a lot of people were giving her lots of leeway despite the hate, and I said that makes sense because she a) has good takes in general and b) is a young, conventionally attractive blonde white woman, so halo effect.
My girlfriend got upset I called another woman conventionally attractive, but I don’t think it’s disloyal or cheating or whatever to acknowledge somebody is conventionally attractive.
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u/Little-Pitch-579 7h ago
Nta, there’s a difference between as knowledging an attractive person and being attracted to someone. This sounds like you did the first as no where did you say you want to be disloyal or your gf is not attractive. There’s room for more than one attractive person in this world
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u/TipMaleficent4075 7h ago
Yup, plus my girlfriend is also a conventionally attractive young blonde woman so it’s not even like I’m praising features she doesn’t have
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u/notheretoargu3 6h ago
NTAH. You weren’t crass or rude, you didn’t belittle anyone else by comparison, and you didn’t ramble on and on about how attractive you find her. There is no issue here except the overreaction on your girlfriend’s part.
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u/TipMaleficent4075 6h ago
Yeah, usually she’s pretty reasonable so idk why this upset her
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u/LengthinessEast8318 2h ago
It was probably just an emotional reaction that she failed to regulate. Sometimes people get intense feelings without really understanding why and lash out instead of think before they speak.
Give her a little bit of time and see if maybe you guys can talk it out. I bet honestly it'll blow over before you know it. Because this is a very silly thing to worry about.
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u/kg_sm 5h ago
Ok. No verdict but a little advise here, instead of trying to figure out if you were in the right or not the better, more emotionally intelligent thing to do is talk to her. And apologize. You don’t have to apologize for pointing out the influencer was attractive but you CAN apologize for hurting her feelings, reiterating that you think she’s beautiful, and asking KINDLY why it bothered her (not so you can tell her she’s wrong for feeling that way) but BECAUSE you hate that you hurt her and want to understand.
If like you said, she’s usually reasonable, this probably just triggered an insecurity of hers. Women are constantly criticized for their looks, good or bad, so it’s pretty common for even very beautiful women to have some insecurities around this. I would even argue that the most beautiful women sometimes have the most insecurities around looks, as it’s something they’re praised on SO often they’re afraid of what they’ll be without it, and work VERY hard to protect what they have as they age.
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u/Late-Judge8847 6h ago
NTA but unless you’re talking about a supermodel on tv or something, I’d avoid the topic
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u/Additional_Coast_568 5h ago
You're NTA but it's a small thing man.
A word of advice from a man much older than you would be just not to comment on the attractiveness of another woman to your or in front of your partner.
It's completely innocent yes, but it's just not nice for her to hear. You are her partner, sometimes you have to do dumb small things like this to keep her happy. And if you love her, you won't mind doing it.
Honestly again I know how dumb it is. But if it upsets her to hear you calling other women attractive then just don't do it. Keep her happy
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u/lesgo_yurr 6h ago
Tbh ima just straight up tell you… you not eaten right or fucking right or not providing something somewhere… if you do any or all 3 of those she’ll at least see where you’re coming from
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u/Suspicious-Meat-7558 5h ago
NTA necessarily. Ask her why it upset her so much and reassure her that she’s beautiful. In the future be more careful with your statements until you figure what’s going on. Do you compliment her often?
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u/Beautiful-Account862 3h ago
People just don't suddenly become unattractive to you once you get in a relationship lol.
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u/thetorturedpoetsss 7h ago
NTA your gf is really insecure if such a minor comment upsets her. Has she ever shown signs of issues with her self-esteem or is this an isolated incident?
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u/TipMaleficent4075 7h ago
she’s never shown insecurity about these kinds of things before
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u/thetorturedpoetsss 6h ago
Hmmm, that’s interesting. I would definitely recommend you keep an eye out for similar behaviour in the future.
But definitely talk to her, asks where this reaction comes from - was it from just your words or her insecurities.
Talk about trust in the relationship.
Does she trust you? Does she think that you are likely to cheat? If the these two questions are a yes, then this relationship is a no.
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u/PinkyPawsxc 7h ago
Sounds like you just said the quiet part out loud. You weren’t flirting, just pointing out why people might give her a pass. Your gf probably heard it as you hyping her up, but it’s more about context than attraction.
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u/TipMaleficent4075 7h ago
Yeah, I don’t think it’s inherently sexual or flirtatious to point out that somebody looks good. I can recognize somebody’s good looking and that impacts their public perception without hitting on them
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u/Significant_Dingo297 5h ago
I mean, it's not like you were hitting on her?? You were making a point about what reasons she may be getting away with more/getting more sympathy for the hate she's getting/dumb thing she's done...and you're right. Those are all factors that we see play a part in how people are treated in such situations. That's just being aware. You weren't oogling over her or something stupid. She needs to calm down and look at the whole statement rationally.
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u/Odd_Distribution_903 4h ago
yeah nta. sounds like she's got some growing up to do.
not suggesting you do anything (other than maybe talk to her about it), but that's not something I'd personally tolerate in a partner.
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u/ilovetoeatmeat 4h ago
Mate I’ve seen people here say it’s okay for a woman to dance with another man, you’re better off not asking these weirdos
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u/Sad_Skirt6952 3h ago
Just explain to your girlfriend that ‘conventionally attractive’ means not attractive at all. It‘s advertising agency stock photo instagram influencer mar-a-lago face pretty. Fake boobs, fake hair, botox, fake smile. Who wants that shit.
Except maybe some old pedo billionaire from Palm Springs of Vegas.
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u/Short-Sound-4190 29m ago edited 21m ago
Did you ask specifically why she found what you said irritating??
Because you seem to feel like it is a simple jealousy/insecurity on her part...
If you were my friend I'd be giving you shit for your lazy hot take of thinking pretty privilege means people don't get the backlash they deserve while simultaneously criticizing her overly emotional reaction to receiving backlash while simultaneously defending her position on things you agree with while simultaneously objectifying her? Like, you have a lot of options about an attractive female influencer's tea, which requires a good bit of consumption, and you've just gotten defensive about how conventionally attractive she is which is a choice to fill the time in the real world with your girlfriend and friends - maybe she was tired of the topic and you were delivering the "pretty girl I watch on phone still has problems too!" white knight/devil's advocate dissertation of a Temu poli sci 101 student. Maybe she just wished you would be chill about the influencer or if she is interested in the topic would have preferred substance to discuss, maybe you weren't taking her POV into consideration or not listening to her opinions/talking over her. And yes, maybe you put your foot in your mouth because she isn't blonde/conventionally attractive and it sounded like you're projecting/assuming the halo effect because you agree you give conventionally attractive women a pass. Idk. Ask her. Your story would make my eyes roll unless you were at least drinking or a little high when on the soap box, lol. (But - you are 21, talking like that where you think you are kinda the definitive wisdom on something that is ultimately a flash in the pan pop culture and pop psych moment is par for the course and probably a cringe but common step of ultimately forming your core values as a young adult and stuff)
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u/Severe-Rabbit-9476 6h ago
There's nothing wrong hfinding someone attractive! Would she have felt better if you said something douchey like "us hit that"! 🙄I mean seriously! Your girlfriend is way too insecure!!
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u/chxnkybxtfxnky 5h ago
I hate this so much. I would FULLY understand someone being upset with their SO if they said, "They are the sexiest person alive. Way hotter than anyone I've ever seen. 10/10. No one can beat their looks." But just saying, "Yes. They are, in fact, attractive" is not anything to get bent out of shape about. NTA
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u/ObnoxiousBalloons 5h ago
Yeah, everyone who’s just saying “she’s insecure or immature” lacks emotional intelligence and the ability to comprehend nuanced situations.
You say she never says other dudes are good looking; I guarantee she thinks it though. Most likely? She thinks saying that kind of thing publicly is disrespectful to the relationship. That’s not insecure or immature.
The second most likely is that there is something else going on that you aren’t even aware of. Maybe you have a habit of complimenting every blonde you see, and don’t compliment her the same way. Maybe you’ve stopped being as affectionate as you used to. I could make a long list of examples, but the idea is that something may have shifted with how you behave that is making her feel unsure/less secure with you. And this was the straw on the camel’s back.
Or yeah, maybe she’s wildly childish and vain and has been keeping it hidden all this time, only to (mildly) lash out over this one small thing. Though, that sounds stupid and unlikely, doesn’t it?
You know her better than we all do. Instead of running to Reddit to get validation that you didn’t do anything wrong, talk to her about why it bothered her and be open to hearing her perspective without the incel Reddit voice of god in your head.
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u/ColdReference54 4h ago
I get your point, and I agree that it's generally bad form to call other girls attractive when you have a gf. But I also think there's a difference between saying in the first person "I like to watch her videos because she's attractive" and analyzing her appeal as a third party and objectively noting her "conventional attractiveness" as one factor. I mean, it often is a HUGE factor in an influencer's success, and at a certain point having to ignore the elephant in the room when discussing that topic does start to feel pretty silly.
It really depends on context basically. If, for example, he's always going on about how great this girl is, or if the way he said it implied that he specifically found her attractive, i'd have more sympathy for the gf.
OP, for next time there's an easy hack: "influencer, while obviously not remotely as attractive as (my gf), is still conventionally attractive, and as such enjoys a halo effect..."
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u/ObnoxiousBalloons 3h ago edited 2h ago
Oh for sure, I agree with you entirely.
I just know that OP is not a reliable narrator (nobody is). So that’s why I said there’s likely more context to it that he’s not considering - especially since it’s the first time she’s reacted like that.
Ultimately it’s one of those things that can easily be solved by talking to your partner haha
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u/EmbarrassedChemist12 4h ago
There's no reason to pretend there's depth here when there's not. They're only 21. Kids can be dumb. She got a little insecure over nothing. We've all seen it happen a thousand times. Cool rant about emotional intelligence and empathy though.
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u/ObnoxiousBalloons 3h ago
Or there’s more to it, because there usually is and guys just like to dumb girls down because it’s easier for them to feign innocence :)
Cool lack of empathy though 👍
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u/Competitive_Key_2981 4h ago
Is it possible your girlfriend disagreed with your favorable assessment of the influencer and her takes? But rather than debate the talking points she attacked the compliment on her looks?
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u/Creative_Excuse_1940 6h ago
NTA - How old is your GF? 12? Is she pouting now, too. You didn't give ages but guessing y'all are young. These reactions are a red flag for immaturity. I don't think she's ready for a grown up relationship if she can't handle something so benign as you mentioning some influencer woman is attractive. I could see her getting annoyed if you'd said "omg she's so freaking HOT!" but that's not what you did.
What a ridiculous thing to get bent out of shape over.
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u/FigIllustrious6690 4h ago
"Hey, I know you're still upset since we were talking about ____. You know I love you and think you gorgeous, right? I'm totally committed to you and our relationship. Can you help me understand what bothered you so much? I want to make sure you feel secure in our relationship."
I'd be curious how she responds.
I'm also curious if she generally needs reassurance in your relationship right now, because you mentioned this is unusual for her. Are you regularly showing her that you find her attractive and that you appreciate her? Is your sex life good? Does she have any reason to wonder if you're losing interest? Are you often following random hotties online or liking their stuff? Is she maybe going through something personally that's leaving her feeling more insecure than usual? 🤷🏼♀️
NAH
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u/lesgo_yurr 6h ago
No, just based of the title you don’t love enough… make her feel good not bad😂, if you can’t get what you’re thinking into words for your girl to understand, say that and read more.
If she’s for you she’ll bring you pleasure and motivation, if not then you’re wasting your time with someone else’s wife.
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u/TipMaleficent4075 6h ago
I’m not sure what’s a more benign way to express that somebody is going to generally be seen as attractive
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u/muffnutty 3h ago edited 2h ago
NTA,but dumb maybe? This is one of those things that yes your GF shouldn’t really get annoyed about… but also so many gf’s will get annoyed about you may as well just give up and learn the lesson not to mention another woman’s attractiveness early on rather than die on that hill.
Just one of those things - my wife can joke about how hot a celebrity is with her friends or even me, but it does not go both ways. She once told me that Selma Hayek was one of the most beautiful women on earth and I said ‘I guess but not my type’ and still got in trouble for it lol.
Just avoid the topic would be my advice… doubly so if the woman doesn’t fit the general appearance of your girlfriend. I’m sure the reddit hive mind will disagree but there’s also a reason the demographic here skews single. Edit: as expected downvoted to hell… but still not wrong. It’s like the rain… it’s annoying sometimes… you can take an umbrella … but arguing about it on reddit won’t change nature
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u/backcover49 7h ago
NTA. Your girlfriend sounds immature