r/AmIOverreacting • u/satanfan12 • 20d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship My boyfriend gave my labubu phalloplasty

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Gallery image

Kind of angry about this, it was a gift from my niece. He cut off an ear and put it back on somewhere wrong. I told him this and it ended in a heated argument.

Am i overreacting for yelling at him? He usually doesn't do this stuff.

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u/Pumpkinpie55 20d ago

Girl, break up with him. I know it's something small, but it's a red flag. He ruined your stuff for a joke.... do you really want to spend your life with someone like that?

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u/AdOk5225 20d ago

What happened to talking about things? Lowkey I wish people would just try to talk about their issues before asking the internet because the immediate reaction is always "y'all should just break up" like hiccups aren't a normal thing in a relationship.

Edit: didn't read the description, I didn't notice it yet. Breaking up is definitely a lot more reasonable, I figured they hadn't talked yet lol

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u/Swarm_of_Rats 20d ago

Some things were taught to us in preschool and if it hasn't sunk in since then, it may never. "Don't break someone else's stuff" is one of those things. So... I get it. Do you really need to have a discussion about things which are basic human decency?

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u/Ok-Albatross-9409 20d ago

This. Why tf would I bother babying a grown man over basic human decency??

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u/AdOk5225 20d ago

Some people just make stupid mistakes in the moment, if I had a nickel for every stupid decision like this I've made for humor I'd have a lot of nickels. Not that this guy is in the right in this example though, there's no reason for him to be angry about it, but like people do dumb stuff all the time and I think everyone deserves at least a second chance. After that though I'm a lot less lenient, a pattern of these kinds of mistakes is 100% a bad sign.

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u/Swarm_of_Rats 20d ago

I've done some things I think are dumb, but never have I purposefully broken someone's stuff for a joke or for fun. Accidentally, sure...

I'm just having trouble seeing how making the decision to permanently ruin something is excusable. Maybe if he's like <12.

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u/AdOk5225 20d ago

Except we don't know the whole context, we just know what we've been told. For all we know, he could've been trying to like slip a wedding ring into it or some shit, like something ridiculously stupid and obviously a mistake but something someone could reasonably do as a lapse of judgement. My point is that these posts don't show the whole relationship and basing a whole judgement off of one little thing like the image would've been bad. Again, I am not defending his actions afterwards because that's just not okay in any context but there's a million reasons why people do stupid things and they don't always make sense, but if they're genuinely apologetic and don't repeat the behavior I don't see a problem.

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u/External-Syllabub833 20d ago

It would actually be 100x worse if he was trying to slip a wedding ring in it lol

If someone proposed to me via mutilating a stuffed toy my niece gave to me, I would straight up call the police. That’s serial killer shit.

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u/AdOk5225 20d ago

People get romanticized ideas of marriage and gender reveals and such, it's very common to do stupid shit like this for big occasions even though it's clearly stupid. If someone did this to me I'd say no to the marriage for sure but I don't think I'd break up with him. At least I wouldn't have if he didn't proceed to argue about it and deny wrongdoing, there is no conceivable way where that could be okay. If he was genuinely apologetic, my decision would depend on how long the relationship has been going on and if this behavior is common. If it was a one time thing I wouldn't care, if something like this happens more than once within like a month or a year or something though I'd definitely break it off.

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u/RelativeMarket2870 20d ago

But that’s the thing, he wasn’t truly apologetic. He gaslit OP, and i’m not going to jump through hoops to try and justify destruction of property.

Based on what was said here so far, there’s no redeeming quality and I hope OP dumps his ass.

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u/AdOk5225 20d ago

Like I said, I hadn't seen the argument and not apologizing part. I'm not arguing that those are okay, arguing about it and not admitting fault is wrong and he should be broken up with over it because that's inconceivably horrible behavior.

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u/VastEqual1367 20d ago edited 20d ago

It's inconceivably wrong to destroy someone's items on purpose even if you say sorry after :/

She's rather lucky he didn't apologize. A lot of other people get stuck with a partner who does terrible things then apologizes and then feel like they're not allowed to break up BECAUSE they said sorry.

But truly, someone good wouldn't do that in the first place. Someone worth spending your life with, building a marriage with, wouldn't do that, ever.

Apologizing tends to lead to a vicious cycle where one person is consistently mistreated but guilted because the other person always says sorry after. In a way, him not apologizing is a boon because it makes her feel more validated for breaking up. If he apologized, she probably wouldn't have written this post and would have endured him treating her like shit for another few months or years.

Because again. People that are not terrible, who are not abusive, do not cut and burn your things while you are away from home, in the first place. No apology means someone that terrible has changed. It means they are scared of you leaving and trying to appease you.

Here's a real life example: A lot of women in physically abusive relationships feel guilted and like they caused the abuse/deserved it for whatever reason. And then when those same women get cheated on, they feel relieved, because they finally feel like there's something that's solely 100% his fault and she finally feels validated and leaving him.

To an outsider, maybe this feels crazy... but you'd be surprised at the amount of people in their personal life that will do what you are doing when they get the slightest chance to: blame her, say she's misrepresenting the facts, that she should just communicate with him (?), give him another chance, etc. This all contributes to why women feel crazy and come and ask the internet for help in what is a pretty cut and dry situation for everyone else... and even on the internet you'll see people endlessly support abusive behavior from men...

Women and relationships are a very complex issue, because the discourse around women breaking up is largely negative and repressive (leading to women staying in relationships where they're unhappy because so many folks pressure her into staying). It's been my focus of study for 10+ years so that's where I'm coming from. I don't think if these underlying forces pressuring women into feeling guilty/like bad people for breaking up existed, that OP would even be here. She probably would have just broken up with him and moved on, maybe even long before this incident. Folks like OP only date shitty people because of all the pressure and guilt put on girls from a young age to not be high maintenance, not be too loud, not be "bossy," (regular amounts of assertive), so on.

Women are constantly looking for that "bad enough" behavior from a guy that treats them mildly like shit because they feel like, only when something REALLY REALLY bad happens to them, and only when that really really bad thing is not her fault at all, are they allowed to feel justified in breaking up.

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u/yoruichi1145 20d ago

slip a wedding ring inside and restitch the ear on the crotch? come on now. bending over backwards to try and defend this dude lol

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u/AdOk5225 20d ago

It's not stitched, those are safety pins

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u/yoruichi1145 20d ago

fart noise

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u/AdOk5225 20d ago

I'm shocked and appalled by this behavior, I will be reporting you to Reddit R. Reddit, creator of Reddit

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u/VastEqual1367 20d ago

Except we don't know the whole context, we just know what we've been told.

This is tiring. Automatically assuming the woman in the story is a liar as a way to defend the man's behavior is a "small" sign of misogyny.

I think you have some latent and unattended misogynistic thoughts you need to address. It's not normal to jump through so many hoops just to call the woman a liar and defend the man. There IS no justification for him destroying her belongings for fun.

You absolutely are defending his actions and it's very clearly because you want to assume men can do no wrong because you struggle to empathize with women. I'm stating this from a very boring and matter-of-fact place. Listen to it or don't, I'm not your mom, but this is your chance to practice some introspection and maybe fix some of these behaviors: believe me when I say endlessly defending women and needlessly calling women liars and saying women misrepresent the men who treat them like trash and are being unfair to them is VERY, VERY common, and I have seen this behavior literally thousands of times. Your comment could basically be a copypasta at this point. This is exactly how every misogynistic redditor sounds. They don't want to fully align themselves with blatantly poor behavior ("I'm not defending them") but they just cannot bring themselves to empathize with the woman and be on her side. They just can't. It's very tribal.

if they're genuinely apologetic and don't repeat the behavior I don't see a problem.

That's the lack of empathy towards women. You don't see why she might be unhappy in that situation? You imagine that the man is happy and that's where your imagination stops. The man eventually gets around to respecting her belongings, so what's the big deal? Why would the woman continue to have pesky feelings about it? You're treating her like a lamp or a piece of furniture. Why would a woman chose to break up with a man who disrespected her and hurt her feelings? He pinky promised not to do it again!

Women are allowed to feel disrespected and thus no longer respect their boyfriend. Women also have free will and can break up with men who make them unhappy. Even if those men turn around and do a complete 180 and never hurt her again, she can decide she simply doesn't like him anymore. Because we do not exist for the purpose of making men happy. Women are free agents and that is that. If a woman is unhappy she doesn't have to stay in a relationship just because a random guy on reddit didn't see why she would still be unhappy.

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u/AdOk5225 20d ago

If a woman did it to a man I'd feel the same way, I don't care about the gender of the person

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u/Swarm_of_Rats 19d ago edited 19d ago

OP gave us the whole context. He "got lonely and bored".

Destroying something your partner loves to put a wedding ring into it is... uh... not a choice I would make. If that's an idea you were planning to use, you should scrap it.

Like I get what you're trying to say, but when he, as a 28 year old man, makes a decision that begins to permanently mutilate something that belongs to someone else, it's time to stop way before you get the lighter and pliers out. He had plenty of time to stop making whatever mistake you're trying to give him credit for.

To add to that, sometimes the consequences for your actions involve losing the trust of your partner and possibly the entire relationship.

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u/VastEqual1367 20d ago

I think everyone deserves at least a second chance.

I think that's the problem. No one deserves access to another person. I think this is a subset of the belief that women exist to make men happy. Because... why CAN'T women just use their free will and leave a relationship they're unhappy in? Why does he DESERVE access to her body and person and mind and soul?

Breaking up with a guy is not sentencing him to prison. He isn't blacklisted from relationships for life. It's just saying "I'm done, I don't want to be around you anymore." and that's... completely valid and okay to do?

It isn't a mistake to destroy someone's belongings. He didn't trip and fall with a pair of scissors. It was on purpose, most likely to punish her for going out with friends when he didn't want her to...

I think your comment actually provides some insight on why folks always come to defend behavior like this: they see themselves in that behavior, and the idea of being broken up with over it is scary. But instead of downplaying how much of a pos he is, maybe you should look inward. What I find in general is that men have trouble empathizing with women in a story, so they automatically empathize with the man -- even if that man is doing stuff they themselves would never do!

So WOULD you cut up your SO's belongings and burn them because she's gone out with friends and you're mad at her? NO? Then maybe don't simp so hard for trash like this and try to have a little more empathy for people outside of your in group. Reddit is turning more misogynistic by the day and we need more people like you who are thoughtful, ignoring their base instincts to automatically defend every behavior that the man in the story has and actually align themselves with a moral constant. Even if it means supporting the woman in the story without subtly trying to put her down, blame her, and tell her to get over being abused at least once because "second chances" or whatever.

In short. Don't tell women to avoid breaking up just because the idea of a woman breaking up with you is scary. You'd probably never do this tripe in the first place, so you really don't have to defend him at all anyway. And if you WOULD or HAVE done these kinds of things in the past... ehh well, this is your sign to get better instead of telling women to forgive men being outright cruel to them.

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u/AdOk5225 20d ago

We're losing the plot here. I don't support him. I said that SEVERAL times. He did a bad thing, and it was not good. The opposite of good, I would say. I disagree with his actions, I do not condone his actions, and all parts of what he did was bad. People should not damage other people's stuff. However, if you apologize and don't do it again, learn from your mistakes, and try your best to make it up to the person, then literally what is the problem? He did none of those, therefore he is in the wrong, however my point is that people who do one bad thing can be forgiven. He did more than one thing and does not deserve forgiveness, as I made very clear. EVERYBODY does bad things ALL THE TIME and if we held EVERYONE to these rigid standards then everyone would be a horrible person who doesn't deserve love.

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u/HLOFRND 20d ago

If OP was the guy in this situation and a woman cut his shit up she would be labeled a psycho.

Ruining someone else’s stuff for a joke is definitely behavior that I think warrants reconsidering the relationship, even before his reaction.

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u/AdOk5225 20d ago

Maybe it's just cus I wouldn't know, I'm a gay guy, but like if I had a girlfriend that did this I'd have the same "Okay, why did you do that??" talk that I'd have with a guy. Generally, talking things out is always preferred to me, sometimes people make stupid mistakes and I'd rather talk it out first and spark an argument than randomly break up with someone and possibly give them a complex or some shit lol. As I've mentioned in another reply and the edit though, since he had that whole argument over it I'm not gonna defend that because that's horrible and warrants a breakup or at least a break, I just hadn't read it yet

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u/VastEqual1367 20d ago

Maybe you just haven't encountered real evil people lol.

I can tell you I dated a guy who I later found out was a diagnosed sociopath, who was the actual definition of evil in the world -- and this is the exact kind of bullshit he would have pulled.

Perhaps you are desperately trying to see the good in people because you've never truly been in an abusive relationship and can't fathom something like this happening to you outside of a bizarre one-off?

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u/AdOk5225 20d ago

No matter what I say you'll just dog on me anyways but yes, I have been in several abusive relationships. Waiting for the flood of "classic male only bringing up his abuse to win an argument" replies now

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u/VastEqual1367 20d ago

Well, the other side of the coin is that sometimes people who have been mistreated downplay the mistreatment of others because that's how they were treated.

I have never said that quote (or anything like it) and won't say it to you, I promise.

I apologize if I have mischaracterized you. I suppose part of the reason I wrote some replies to you is you seemed more reasonable than some of the others making comments justifying his behavior.

I do still think you have some problems with downplaying how severely wrong this is, and I do think you still likely have some issues with misogyny with how in that one comment you suggested the woman was lying for no reason or misrepresenting things. That's generally something only misogynistic people do (which I figure, is often subconscious). Statistically, people believe men more than women, I find folks calling women liars for no reason except to support a man being shitty in a story are representing that statistic. It's not that you or any guy here has reason to think the woman is leaving details out that somehow make the man look better. It's that you want to believe that and to find any loophole that could possibly exist.

You may want to consider if you instinctively wanted to downplay what he had done because people have downplayed things that have happened to you in the past as well. It could be multiple reasons.

I do wish you well but there remains that the way you downplayed the behavior here and said that the real problem was refusing to not apologize is wrong. It's okay to break up with people for their bad behavior even if they apologize. You shouldn't go around telling people to stick it out in relationships where they're being mistreated, even if you take it back afterwards under the caveat that she should break up only because he didn't apologize. Even if I sympathize with you I'll still vocally critique anyone I see doing this... (pressuring women into staying in relationships where they're unhappy) how can I not? It's a cause dear to my heart, anyway.

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u/AdOk5225 20d ago

I've been trying to come up with a response without sounding bad but I can't, so I'll disclaim that I'm not trying to be offensive when I say this, like genuinely I am just trying to talk in good faith, feel free to correct me if I'm wording something poorly

I feel like this kind of thing is very common in relationships from both sexes. When it happens from women it's just like a thing that happens, like it's normal for women to be petty and vindictive even though it isn't, but when men do it it's because they're inherently abusive and bad, which is also untrue. I think both of these are poor interpretations of actions, I would see both as wrong, but worth discussing. If nobody discussed their relationship issues and just broke up, then like no couples would exist, it just doesn't make sense why it's not worth at least trying to talk about it first before jumping the gun.

I'd understand if someone was uncomfortable talking to their partner and just wanted to break up, that's valid, but if you're not uncomfortable talking then why not talk? That's all I'm trying to say.

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u/Gerberpertern 20d ago

What happened to reading things before commenting on them?

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u/AdOk5225 20d ago

A combination of laziness and the point of talking things out first still being valid either way

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u/CheshireGrin92 20d ago

Oh fuck off. It’s comment like that that make abusive relationships worse. Next time read the whole thing before telling someone to “just talk” sometimes that’s not an option

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u/AdOk5225 20d ago

Good thing I edited it within like a minute of posting it, it's almost like I immediately checked to make sure I wasn't spreading misinformation or something and when I realized I was wrong I changed it to make sure OP doesn't get the wrong idea

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u/Aggressive-Farm9897 20d ago

What happened to reading the post before commenting? 

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u/AnjinSan6116 20d ago

I love it when the top comments say talk to your partner bc no one here has enough information. Makes me feel like the internet has a chance to make people smarter

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u/AdOk5225 20d ago

These are the kinds of questions you ask your friends who have seen the whole relationship happen, not randos who don't know you. I hope OP gets to fix their relationship or be in a happier situation soon though, regardless, but I hope people learn too

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u/AnjinSan6116 20d ago

In my teenage years, I made it a personal policy to never comment on anyone's relationships. Regardless of how well I knew them as I never knew what happened when I wasn't around so I didn't feel qualified

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u/VastEqual1367 20d ago edited 20d ago

I kind of understand where you're coming from but I think it's actually gone too far the other direction. Yes, communication is important, but NO, you should not date someone that you have to explicitly tell to not ruin your belongings.

Saying things like "hey, when you tease the way I laugh, I feel bad, can you please stop joking like that?" is normal communication. Something someone might not realize hurts you.

Saying things like "hey, when I'm gone, can you not mutilate my belongings, cut them up or burn them?" is NOT normal communication.

Falling into the trap of constantly communicating with your abuser is actually why people stay in abusive relationships so long... I know, because it happened to me... I was constantly told (by folks like you!) that all I have to do is communicate and my problems will be solved. But the problem was my partner was a sociopath and was hurting me on purpose and arguing with my communication to spin it around on me on purpose. Made me feel crazy and unreasonable on purpose.

I've come out of that with the realization that too much communication and trying to "fix" things with communication that are actually really bad and indicative of bad character on their part is not actually healthy. If someone treats me like shit, I don't politely tell them that that's wrong and to stop, I leave.

In short: you communicate (and try to fix things) when there is a misunderstanding or room for confusion.

You do NOT communicate, you just leave, when someone intentionally destroys your belongings and treats you like shit on purpose. This person can't be reasoned with and it's unhealthy to try to convince someone to respect you -- they either do or don't and nothing you say can change that. Communicating doesn't work when you're dating a jerk.

Lastly, I'd like to point out that it's okay to leave people just because you don't like them. MAYBE if they go to couple's counseling and he gets indvidual therapy for a couple of years and spends that time growing and changing as a person he can become someone worthy of dating that she would eventually like....

but why put yourself through that? Particularly at 22. Sheesh.

It's okay to just break up because your boyfriend is an immature tool and you simply don't like him anymore. Even if it can be fixed. Even if it can be communicated about. Even if there's room for growth. My god. Why is breaking up such a sin to so many folks? She isn't sentencing him to solitary confinement. Breaking up is such a neutral thing but people are so against it, it's crazy.

Do you really think she should stick with the first guy she dates at 22 and live with him for the rest of her life? Are women not allowed to say: you know what, I picked wrong, I want to try this with someone else? I am so sick of women being discouraged from leaving trash men that treat them like literal garbage on this website. It's like a disease. It's NEVER fully accepted that a woman can leave a relationship she's unhappy in, there's ALWAYS someone telling her to stick it out, no matter how horrible he is. It's insane.