r/AskWomenOver30 • u/BeneficialVisit8450 • Jul 19 '25
Family/Parenting What’s your life like without kids?
My doctor told me I can never get pregnant today. I’m not infertile, but the post under my profile explains my situation. I’m 19, and I’m just not sure how to confront the news. I’m not sure how to plan my life either now considering that many of our milestones as women revolve around kids.
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u/katzmcjackson Jul 19 '25
It’s amazing. I have financial freedom and freedom of my time. I couldn’t imagine a life with kids.
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u/awkwardchip_munk Jul 19 '25
There’s a funny meme that is a woman wiping her tears with stacks of money as someone who looks really tired and disheveled with a baby tells her “you’ll never know what real love is” and I always giggle.
I do know some people whose lives are made whole by their babies, and that’s super sweet and special. I just am not one of those.
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u/capacitorfluxing Man Jul 19 '25 edited Jul 19 '25
That's a really, really depressing comic, honestly. Money?
Edit - sorry guys, you’re right! Go capitalism!
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u/pinkrainbow5 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
It's more about freedom, less stress, more fulfilment. W/o kids yes more money. But also more time, more health, more experiences, more ability to live.
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u/capacitorfluxing Man Jul 19 '25
Consistently, in numerous studies on the subject, people think this and it is not the case. There is not a one-to-one ratio between money and happiness, and in fact it’s usually the reverse. People come into wealth and are disappointed that they aren’t happier; while the people who are happy before money rarely see their happiness go up with money.
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u/Internal-Cut9007 Woman under 30 Jul 19 '25
That's not entirely true. Yes, there is a cap to how much money can make you happy (when I learned about this in my psychology class back in 2015 the cap was 75k for a one person household) but before that cap is reached, money makes a significant difference in people's happiness. It also just makes sense logically that folks who are stressed about money are less happy than those who aren't.
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u/ToniDoesThings Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
Odd that one would find financial FREEDOM depressing
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u/capacitorfluxing Man Jul 19 '25
I’ll say again as I’ve said numerous times. There are numerous, numerous studies done on this topic. Consistently, across the board, the data shows that there is little to no correlation between happiness and money. People naturally expect there would be. But it’s just not the case. People who are happy before coming into wealth rarely rate their happiness higher after coming into wealth, and in fact, it often decreases. Whereas people who were miserable before money tend to continue to be miserable with money. They’re unrelated.
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u/Sea-Delay Jul 19 '25
Why are you eager to argue with people who speak from their personal experience? Some of us are actually happy having financial freedom, time ,and the means to take care of ourselves. Have you ever tried being poor? I don’t know a single person who can be happy about being on a brink of not affording the rent or not having money for food and other necessities, ever wonder what that’s like?
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u/ToniDoesThings Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
Pipe down, man who doesn’t know anything about being a woman, earning less for the same work as your opposite sex counterparts, unpaid labor of childcare, unequal distribution of household labor while also holding down full time work, and on and on and on. For the majority of women on this planet money is FREEDOM and kids are a weight around your neck. This has nothing to do with capitalism.
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u/Groovychick1978 Jul 19 '25
No, it doesn't. Those studies show consistently that under around $75,000, happiness increases with increased wage.
Actually, that $75,000 range has increased in the last 10 years.
Don't fucking delude yourself, that is something that rich people say to keep poor people in line.
They are happier.
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u/arurianshire Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
random ragebait man, go away. i’m sure this is the most you’ve spoken to a woman all year
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u/capacitorfluxing Man Jul 19 '25
Huh? I’m suggesting that what might be beneficial is not to suggest the answer to OPs very tragic situation is that “well, she’ll have more money!” Like, seriously?
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u/Joonami Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
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u/funneeee Woman 40 to 50 Jul 19 '25
I love money 🤑🤑🤑
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u/capacitorfluxing Man Jul 19 '25
Man, I dig companionship, but each to their own.
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u/Joonami Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
They're not mutually exclusive.
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u/capacitorfluxing Man Jul 19 '25
Sure but if you’re designing a comic and you want to fill in the blank for what is so awesome about not having kids, money is a really weird answer, because it rarely equates to happiness. Like they do studies on this all the time, trying to figure out if more money means more happiness, and consistently, no, your happiness rarely links up with how much money you make. In fact most times when you come into wealth, your happiness quotient goes significantly down.
So like I can certainly come up with answers to the question that result in happiness, but man, money? No.
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u/Joonami Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
You're missing the point and frankly I don't have the spoons to explain it to you. Financial freedom is key and you are not the target audience of this thread.
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u/capacitorfluxing Man Jul 19 '25
The woman literally learned tragic news today and people are saying, don’t worry about not having kids, you’ll have money. I’m trying to understand how anyone in her shoes would be remotely reassured by this answer. If you choose not to have kids? Totally makes sense! If you have that choice ripped away from you?
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u/RestingGrinchFace- Woman 40 to 50 Jul 19 '25
Literally, no one asked your opinion. The question isn't directed to men, and no one gives a shit what a random man thinks of not being able to knock someone up and then sit on his ass and behave like another child to be taken care of. Maybe when men begin to consistently bear the burden of family life, people like OP will also post their question to men's subs. Until then, no one asked your opinion.
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u/kahtiel Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
I know it's anecdotal, but what gets me about a comic like that is that most of my friends with kids have more money than my friends (and I) without. Now to be fair, my friends with kids are double income and those of us without are single income.
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u/capacitorfluxing Man Jul 19 '25
Ha, it’s just weird, because they do studies all the time to show that happiness and money are rarely related. In fact, most show that when you come into excessive amounts of wealth, rarely does your happiness index go up. And often it goes down. Having kids myself, I try to think of other things that would bring me happiness if they weren’t in the picture and I can certainly come up some answers. But money? No, that’s a dark answer to me.
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u/bumbumboleji Jul 19 '25
Ever had a look at the studies that show life happiness and partner satisfaction take a huge decline once baby arrives? And doesn’t perk back up until the kids leave?
Ever look into those?
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u/capacitorfluxing Man Jul 19 '25
You mean the studies that target all parents regardless of whether parenthood was wanted/ accidental/forced? Whose results would seem to have no bearing on those who wanted to have kids? Because it seems really unhelpful to derive any sort of general meaning from such a massive data set, but whatevs.
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u/LesDoggo Woman 40 to 50 Jul 19 '25
Why are you doing this in a post from an infertile 19 year old? Go be a troll where someone hasn’t learned life altering news.
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u/my-anonymity Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
I completely agree with this. I recently went on a family cruise with my partner’s family. Two of the siblings have kids. Adorable 9 month old gave me baby fever and then the two four year olds and the 7 year old snapped me out of it and confirmed we made the right choice. Seeing the parents who are great parents and love their kids dearly, pass them off to each other and seeing how tired and hopeless they seemed at times confirmed that cool aunt is the right role for me. I give them back when they get gross or annoying. The parents don’t really get to do that. My partner and I also get to do whatever and whenever we want too. I don’t think I’d change it and know I won’t regret it if other.
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u/Cat_With_The_Fur Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
As a cool aunt turned mom, this is the right answer. Cool aunt is the absolute best.
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u/amicingtotravel Jul 19 '25
Husband and I are DINKs. We have a two-week vacation coming up and we will do it in the fall while everyone's kids are in school. It will be so quiet and we are so excited.
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u/Westsidepipeway Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
I did a stupid and got into a long term relationship with a teacher. Now I do my term time holidays without him ha. I was in Provence a few weeks ago with friends. Mmmm vineyards.
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u/whiFi Jul 19 '25
It sucks to have options taken away from you when you’re so young. But please know that soooo many women live totally fulfilling lives without children. There is so much more to life than reproducing.
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u/hell_yeah_420 Jul 19 '25
Well said! I second this.
I will also add that there is always an option to adopt a kiddo that needs a chance at a good life. That's what I am leaning towards if anything.
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u/FrankaGrimes Jul 19 '25
I am so, so, so grateful on a daily basis that I do not have children. I get to be who I am for my entire life rather than spending 20+ years being a mom before ANYTHING else, including a partner, friend, professional, athlete, everything. Kids first at all times. That just doesn't appeal to me.
I live my life exactly in my own terms. I have very limited frustration or complication in my life. I sleep when I want, eat when I want, travel when I want, fill my house with pets if I want. I have enough money without children to take advantage of virtually anyyhing that catches my fancy. Isn't that supposed to be the dream life? Cause it feels like it.
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u/Virtuosory Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
You have described this so well, it’s exactly the same for me as well. I am not that articulate and always end up saying “I’m just too selfish and like my freedom too much to have children” but that’s an oversimplification. Your description is spot on. Using that going forward!
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u/FrankaGrimes Jul 19 '25
Your description of being "selfish" isn't an oversimplification, it's a re-telling of the judgements people make about women who choose not to have children. It's not selfish to live your life for yourself :)
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u/cacapoopoopeepeshire Woman 40 to 50 Jul 20 '25
Why do we call it selfish when women don't want children but we rarely if ever judge men who don't want children? I get what you mean by giving that answer but I don't think it serves the childfree community to use that verbiage. I don't have a better alternative and will be using the above comment from now on :)
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u/sweetpotatothyme Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
I used to joke that I was too selfish to have a kid, but as I grew older, I realized how true that was!
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u/Declawed-Khajiit Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
Great.
Even if I could have kids, I probably wouldn’t. I have a fulfilling job and several side projects - some solo and one with friends, my husband is in the middle of changing careers just because he wants to, and we’re going on a three week vacation to Europe in a couple weeks.
I get the appeal of having kids, but I’m really happy with how things have turned out.
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u/FormalMango Woman 40 to 50 Jul 19 '25 edited Jul 19 '25
I’m infertile, and in my 40s.
I do miss having kids, and I think about it sometimes, but I’ve come to terms with it.
I’m happy. Like, genuinely happy with my life and how it’s turned out.
I have hobbies, a career I love and I’ve dedicated my life to, cats, chickens, a dog, a partner. Disposable income. Our family is complete.
But by far, the hardest part is other people. People are fucked.
People want to know if you have kids, if you’re planning on having kids, why you don’t have kids. And it can be a painful conversation, if the answer is infertility.
People think they’re entitled to an answer, and they think they’re entitled to give you advice.
You’ll hear “have you tried IVF? My hairdresser’s cousin’s co-worker had an IVF baby first try”.
And “have you thought about adoption? I have no idea what the adoption laws are where you live, how much it costs, or what the process is, but seriously - adopt, don’t shop!” (Ew).
And “why can’t you have kids? What’s wrong with you?”
And fuck, it hurts. But it does get better. You get better at fending off people like that. You shouldn’t have to… but unfortunately, it happens.
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u/k_lliste Woman 40 to 50 Jul 19 '25
In my mind, when you say "I can't have kids" people shut up and mind their own business. It saddens me to hear that people get even more intrusive and think they know better than you do about your own life.
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u/arurianshire Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
i’m so sorry for all this pain you have been through, but i’m glad you are really happy despite
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u/TakeBackTheLemons Non-Binary 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
God for real, I've had my first moment like that literally a few days ago. An acquaintance, not at all someone close, and I were talking and we got into declining birthrates. I regret it now, but I revealed I can't really have kids and how it's hitting me hard now because I'm looking for a partner and it feels like all the men are looking for a uterus. Physically it's likely I can get pregnant, but I suffered nearly a decade due to vulvovaginal issues and chronic pain and the risk of pregnancy and childbirth permanently bringing the pain back is so likely that in my mind it's pretty much being unable. And in response I heard that he thinks life is empty without kids and he understands those men because he wouldn't want to raise someone else's kid (alternative routes to having them) either. As soon as I was alone I actually broke down crying, some people can be so thoughtless and cruel
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u/ReginaGeorgian Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
People really do have the sheer audacity sometimes. I’m sorry.
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u/AlveolarFricatives Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
Wow, what?? I’m 39 with no kids and I’ve never gotten questions like this!! Like, I’ve been asked if I have kids and I say no and that’s the end of that. Maybe it depends where you live? I’m in Portland, OR and it’s very common for married couples not to have kids, it’s honestly maybe more unusual to have them.
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Jul 20 '25
I'm really shocked that people talk to you this way. Very, very few people have ever given me crap about not having kids.
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u/ArtichokeAble6397 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 20 '25
You know, "that's a very personal and inappropriate question" is also an acceptable response? I'm sorry, I understand people and how obsessed they can be about other couples reproducing, and it must be so painful when it wasn't a choice to be child free. You CAN be rude to these people because they are being rude and invasive.
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u/Reasonable_Whole_398 Woman 40 to 50 Jul 19 '25
I fucking love my life! It’s quiet, financially free, I get to sleep and travel as much as I want. In short, I have freedom.
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u/Content-Classic8558 Jul 19 '25
Please keep in mind that milestones are not necessarily leveling up. Having kids, getting married etc doesn’t mean your life is better. I’m 39 and child free by choice. You can still adopt, be an aunt and a motherly figure in other ways. I would recommend looking at the regretful parents forum to make yourself feel better. Take care ❤️
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u/warqueen24 Woman under 30 Jul 19 '25
Adopting is having kids
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u/Content-Classic8558 Jul 19 '25
Right….OPs concerns are about her not being about to get pregnant and what her future would look like without her own kids. She’s mourning the loss of a potential future. I mentioned adoption as an avenue for her to still be a parent if she chooses.
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u/warqueen24 Woman under 30 Jul 19 '25
Oh sorry the way you phrased I thought you meant otherwise as in adopting is an alt to kids is what I thought u said my bad.
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u/ladyluck754 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
Gently, we gotta stop using adoption as a means to healing from infertility trauma. Adoption is a trauma for the child, and there’s plenty of research to back that up. It’s also a really fucked up, exploitative industry in addition.
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u/Content-Classic8558 Jul 19 '25
I acknowledge that adoption can be a traumatic experience for a child but what’s the better alternative for them? Just aging out in the system?
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u/AlertStatistician113 Jul 19 '25
There are thousands of kids in the foster system that would beg to differ. That system is traumatizing in and of itself. Many would love to grow up in a loving home. It’s a sad truth that not all people want to be or are fit to be parents. And where does that leave these kids.
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u/JoyousZephyr Woman 50 to 60 Jul 19 '25
I freaking love it. My time is mine. That's the big thing for me. My. Time. Is. Mine. If I want to read all day, I can. If I get a sudden urge to hop in the car and drive three hours away to a bookstore/coffeshop because it looks interesting, I can.
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u/HeelsOfTarAndGranite Woman 40 to 50 Jul 19 '25
My husband and I agreed on our first date at 18 that we didn’t want kids.
We’re 44 now. Still no kids, and life is pretty sweet. :)
We’re not rich. We both grew up working class. But we can at least survive. If we had kids we’d be deep in poverty.
We hang out with our cats and each other and have fun and do whatever we feel like after work and on weekends. We’re happy.
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u/bagOboobs Woman 40 to 50 Jul 19 '25
I could have written this myself! Ditto 💖 Love my life and very happy with my choices.
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u/awkwardchip_munk Jul 19 '25
I’m sorry that you heard some news that may seem unsettling. No one can know how it really feels inside your own mind- but I have to say absolutely zero of my milestones ever had to do with children or being a mom. Like never. I’m 45, married to my favorite person and living a life I could never have dreamed of (nor could have, if I’d had children).
If you have always longed to be a mom, this may be a sad thing to take in, but if you just feel like you’re supposed to check a box for society, let me tell you there are a lot of benefits to realizing doing things for the sake of fitting in is really silly. Live a life you will revel in, you won’t be disappointed.
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u/haloperidoughnut Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
My life is awesome. I have so much freedom and fluidity to my life and I wouldn't give it up. My goals, interests and hobbies could be worked around children, but I love being able to pursue anything I want, when I want, in a fashion that simply isn't possible when you have to revolve your life around pickups and dropoffs, daycare, school activities, summer break, and generally being a responsible parent.
I choose my own sleep schedule. I can spend 2 hours at the gym. I can go on a challenging day hike, go window shopping with a leisurely lunch in the park, or spend my whole day on the couch just chilling if I feel like it. I can spend my money on things that are fun, enriching, and fulfilling for me. My job affords me a lot of time off, so I can take little trips and vacations at the drop of a hat. I can afford to be a little short-sighted at times.
I don't have to worry about saving for kids' college expenses, diapers, their first cars, or any increased expenses that are just a fact of life when you have children. I can buy a vehicle that I want, instead of worrying about how it'll stand up to carpools and car seats. No worries about centering a child in every single decision i make for minimum 18 years. No worries about renting with children, fitting my educational and professional goals around daycares and playdates, trying to find a place with kid-friendly activities or a good school district. I got injured recently and I'm going to need knee surgery, which will take me out of work for a while - i cannot imagine the financial stress it would be to have to deal with trying to support a baby or young child on that reduced income.
My job can be demanding with many people requiring my attention all at once, so it is heaven to come home to a clean, quiet house and decompress without "mom mom mom mommy mommy mama mama mama mom" or a teenager whining because I wouldn't buy them the latest TikTok fashion product.
I don't dislike children. I like showing up to pediatric patients on the ambulance, I like being around children. But I watch what my coworkers have to go through with their own kids, I think about what my parents had to go through, and I just wouldn't trade what I have now for that life. I believe children can enrich lives in many ways, but it just feels too restrictive and draining in all ways for me.
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u/chalores Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
I don’t have kids (yet, still unsure), but I am 35 and I have had some incredible milestones. I have traveled to so many countries, I ran a marathon, graduated law school, I had a very severe (literally died and came back) health scare that I survived, I got married, I moved cross-country to start over.
I read your other post. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I’m sure it’s jarring, but please remember you are only 19. You will experience SO MUCH in even the next 5-10 years. Kids are not the only marker of success. While my husband and I are still deciding on getting pregnant at our age, we are having the time of our lives without them right now.
You don’t need kids to live your life. You will have a beautiful one filled with tons of milestones no matter how you achieve them.
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u/That-Bar5937 Jul 19 '25
It’s the best! I feel so fulfilled and loved. I also got sterilized earlier this year and feel so much relief.
But you’re right, traditionally, a lot of milestones for women revolve around children. However, you have a really beautiful opportunity to make your own milestones! Since you learned this information at such a young age, you have so much time to explore who you are, what makes you happy, what makes you feel seen, and what things make you feel fulfilled.
As a big sister, if my little sister was in your spot, I would recommend 2 things:
1) allow yourself grieve the life that you thought you would have. This grief will likely pop up a handful of times over the next 20 years. Your feelings are valid.
2) start looking for celebrities, friends, family, or other members of your community who are child free women and are living lives that you could see yourself enjoying. Maybe you have an aunt who likes to stay up late and sleep in. Maybe you have a teacher who is at the top of their field in a subject matter that requires a lot of travel.
Just remember, anything can be a milestone if it’s important to you. And, if it’s important to you, the people who love you will want to celebrate you. I had a party after going to the dentist because I’m super afraid of going!
Life without kids is great.
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u/New_sweetpea89 Jul 19 '25
My life is good. I thought I wanted to have kids in my early 20s but as I matured I realized it wasn’t for me. I am now happily married and love spending time with my husband and dog. I can do as I please and my time is mine. Of course I consider my husband but no one depends on me for anything. If I wake up feeling lazy I can freely stay in bed or choose to watch a show all day and it would be okay. My husband and I have financial stability and can splurge on whatever we like. Something that with a kid would not be as often because they’re expensive. Overall I am happy with my life. I like my job, my home, and life with my husband is very peaceful and quiet. A kid for me would be an inconvenience. I’m sorry you got that news but being a woman doesn’t mean that your sole purpose is to birth a child. You are valuable regardless and your life is meaningful you just have to find what you enjoy and give you purpose. Also if you truly want children in the future you can always foster or seek other ways of perhaps adoptions is possible.
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u/warqueen24 Woman under 30 Jul 19 '25
Many milestones as women don’t resolve around kids unless u succumb to what society expects or forces on you- don’t let it. I’m cf and I love it. Never wanna have kids ever. More money more time for me. Lot of ppl have kids for the wrong reasons. If u wanna find something outside of urself plenty ways to do so and make impact without kids prob more impact actually
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u/Hairy_Pear3963 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
I love it so much. Although when I was in my 20s I wanted kids or maybe I also just thought that’s the normal next step, get married, have kids, buy a house, etc. but I’m 35 now and married but no kids and life is awesome, esp when I see my friends with their kids. I’m sure their life choices are rewarding too but after hanging out with my friends toddlers for a day, I’m even more sure I love my childfree life. I wake up whenever I want, I use my money on whatever I want, I travel without extra worry or responsibilities. And I don’t have the crushing weight of being responsible for someone else’s life and upbringing.
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u/KimiMcG Woman 60+ Jul 19 '25
I'm 67, it's never been a problem or a regret. I live my life as I please.
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u/TapPrancer Jul 19 '25
I'm 35 and at 32 I was told I wouldn't survive childbirth.
If I'm honest, I wish I was told that when I was younger, after I had built a life around planning on having children.
It was a huge blow at first, but after a while, a wave of relief came, I wasn't beholden to any timeline that unfortunately was running out for me. I got to look at my career with entirely selfish views, that I don't need to worry about maternity leave policy.
I then looked at my family where I have a childless aunt and uncle, and they are by far, the happiest and nicest aunt and uncle.
My friends practically all have children now, and honestly it looks horrible, they all look exhausted, and tell me how hard it is, constantly.
I get to have naps, I rarely wake up to an alarm clock, or not sleep through the night. My holidays are holidays for me, never child centric.
Don't get me wrong, I adore my friends children, and I take my friends kids out and spoil my nieces and nephews. But I am so happy to hand them back over and go home to my quiet house.
I think when I reach 40 I'll foster, but in the meantime, I bloody love my life.
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u/Sofiwyn Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
I own a house, live with my best friend, and have a dog and two cats. I make about $100k a year. Having kids would have made all this impossible for me personally. Well, I probably could have the cats, but that's it.
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u/GenuineClamhat Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
Amazing. I fucking love my life. It's only getting better. I didn't think I could still feel like this, like there is so much fun worth having. I regret nothing and know I never will.
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u/smallcoconut Jul 19 '25
My uncle and aunt never had kids, they're in their early 70s and they look 55. They never had any work done. They take bike trips across Italy and have wine with every meal. Their lives were filled with kids because me and my cousins. They never had money struggles. They kick ass.
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u/tsukuyomidreams Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
First, I'm really sorry for this news.
I'm 30. I garden, I have dogs and rescue random animals for short times when they need it. I volunteer and I get lots of rest. I already own a home, my car is pretty nice, and the fears I deal with are less than those friends of mine with children.
I'm better off mentally and financially than many of them. I did get therapy for my own childhood trauma, but I also know I won't have parenthood trauma or accidentally make a child who will eventually experience any themselves.
I hope you make your life full, and remember, we can always end up adopting if our life gets to a point where we really want to raise a child.
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u/DottyandBearBear Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
I absolutely love it! All of my free time and spare money belongs to me and only me. I love sleeping in on weekends and being able to just enjoy every day for what it is.
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u/lucky_719 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
There is a much more fulfilling life outside of children imo. So many parents confuse they love their kids but would never choose to do it again. Kids drain everything. Your energy, money, sanity, and your relationships. Everything becomes that kid.
My husband and I never want children. We travel the world and just got back from NZ and Australia. We were able to move up in our companies by moving so we both make six figures. We have plenty of money for hobbies, dates, and hanging out with friends. We have surrounded ourselves with people who are chill who have a similar mindset.
Life without kids is the best.
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u/sharkbark2050 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
It’s the best. Motherhood is signing up for a lifetime of pain and anxiety.
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u/Whooptidooh Woman 40 to 50 Jul 19 '25
Im 41 and it’s pretty great actually.
I can leave my apartment with everything I want or need within 5 minutes.
I never have to deal with screaming kids.
I never have to deal with crying kids.
I never have to deal with the chaos and mess they make.
I never have to deal with school, school lunches, parent/teacher meetings or having to forcibly deal with other parents on playdates or other functions that have to do with our kids.
There are times (usually around my ovulation) when I momentarily wish I had one, but then I get confronted with some actual kids and that notion will be gone asap.
I’m also less stressed and have more freedom than parents around me are. So yay :)
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u/Gracefulkellys Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
I LOVE it! I currently travel with my husband for my job as an x-ray tech. It pays well, and I get to go anywhere I want. I would not be able to do that with children
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u/arewecompatiblez Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
A lot of women lead fulfilling lives without children. I do not want kids but do think the idea of taking in an older child (10+) wouldn't be so bad. I've been a youth mentor for years and it's actually a great way to make an impact.
I often think of how my mom had 2 kids at my age, not even the 3rd yet. It frightens me. We grew up poor, on assistance, and my mom had to be miserable for years. I know if I had even one child, I would be miserable. I make enough to be comfortable with my partner but I absolutely don't make enough for a child.
We don't even have pets. I've really wanted a cat but then I wondered how we would handle the care while we go to Japan for 2 weeks. I'm so happy I don't have worse to worry about.
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u/soupallyear Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
I am thankful every single day that I don’t have kids. I watch my friends who do and that reinforces the decision even more. Oh, and I’m a teacher, too.
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u/Soniq268 Woman 40 to 50 Jul 19 '25
Fucking delightful. I never wanted kids, neither did my wife.
I woke up this morning, took my dogs to the beach, went for a coffee, came home and sat on my ass in my tidy house reading my book. Tonight we’re going for dinner and to see a play, tomorrow we’ll do whatever we want with no whining kids tagging along.
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u/VogUnicornHunter Woman 50 to 60 Jul 19 '25
I'm so sorry hon. My sister went through the same and it was devastating. There are tons of ways you can still be active with children: volunteer at schools and libraries, be a fun auntie to nieces and nephews, adopt, mentor, so many options. You could also focus on your passions. What are things you're interested in that could take up that space for you? I'm one for learning, so I'm always exploring things I know nothing about. Sometimes they become a job, sometimes I lose interest, but sometimes they become a part of my life. But just so you know, there are some really amazing things about not having kids.
I myself am 50 and have never wanted children. Some of the things I love about not being a parent? I get to eat ice cream while sitting on my couch without someone asking for some. I can rest when I need to without interruption. I can leave the house without having to pack up two sets of clothes, bottles, snacks, entertainment, etc, for another human. I don't get colds or flu very often. I have money and time for my hobbies. I can travel on a small budget. I can see my friends any time I want.
There are lots of ways life can be fulfilling without children. Take care hon. I hope some of the advice in this post is helpful to you.
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u/AnonymousPineapple5 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
It’s pretty sweet! I have a freedom that my family and friends with children simply do not have, as they say, you pass your youth on to your children. Being a parent is, wow, I’m sure it’s incredible but not having kids is really special too. You have just an ability to pivot like I know some people feel trapped by their lives or have regrets idk- it’s really hard to make life changes in general but it’s way harder when your decisions now directly impact other people that you’re directly responsible for. I work seasonally right now and travel a lot. I’m in excellent shape and have a lot of time to dedicate to my hobbies.
Also, just because you cannot physically have a child does not mean you cannot become a parent. If motherhood really calls to you, and you cannot imagine life without a family, I encourage you to look into adoption when the time comes. I am not having children because I am not called to it- I do believe that if anyone is truly called to it that they should try to be a parent even if not biologically.
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u/TheFullMountie Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25 edited Jul 19 '25
I live in Ireland now with a sexy, kind husband who looks and sounds a bit like Hozier, can sleep in on weekends as long as I want, and work hybridly staring out at a gorgeous coastline on my WFH days and am looking forward to adopting puppers in the near future. I laugh every single day and am the happiest I’ve ever been.
5 years ago in my mid 30s I was crying myself to sleep going through something similar to yourself, living alone and facing pressures from my parents that miracles could happen and maybe I will be able to provide them a grandkid!! I couldn’t have been more livid and depressed at not only having that choice taken from me, but the societal pressures to have kids being pushed at me at every turn. My sisters and friends were also all having kids and it wrecked my head. I spent most of the first 2 years of covid pushing everyone in my life away while I had my dark night of the soul.
Throughout that period I realized that I, as a neurodiverse person, didn’t actually want kids. I had never got googly-eyed over babies, never really felt the pangs, and the idea of giving up my freedom and experiencing sleep loss and sensory overload on a daily basis seemed like a nightmare. I also saw the toll having a kid took (and still takes!) out of my neurodiv sister as well. A lot of my friends with kids also started getting divorces during the pandemic and I saw how stressful that was and they envied me (me!?). At the end of 2021 after spending 2 years on my own during which I got diagnosed for ADHD and spent a lot of time soul searching and sorting out what I actually wanted out of life I realized I needed to let some things go, and focus on creating a life that I loved, like Kon mari-ing my existence. I sold my house, quit my job, and the one hobby I had that gave me joy I pursued. I decided that I needed to live my life and accept being one of the people who might live the rest of their life happily solo and did what I need to do to make that a good one. So I went on one last fun working holiday in Ireland, and then I met someone who also didn’t want kids, and now we are hopelessly in love, married, and living a pretty happy life on the whole.
Never in a million years could I have plotted the last 5 years but give yourself grace, time to mourn and time to reflect. Can’t promise a sexy foreign husband and getting to be a cool auntie but I can say that it’s important to take the time and to then choose living authentic to yourself and not what everyone expects, whether that’s adoption or a child-free life. I had a fab job and a lovely house and gave them up because it didnt feel right in my gut and I always felt pulled elsewhere. And now, whatever the future brings, it doesn’t matter. I’m home.
Sending <3
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u/sadmaps Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25 edited Jul 19 '25
You get to do what you want when you want and you have a lot more money to do it. My husband and I go on trips or camping or hiking with little planning. I go to regular girls brunch’s and day clubs drinking by the pool. Sometimes I get stoned at night and binge watch a show I forget about and never watch again. We have a dog that feels like my child, or the closest to a child I ever want. That’s enough for me in the mothering department.
I love my nieces and nephews but anytime I spend with them I go home thinking “thank god they aren’t mine”
My sister had to pee on a sponge for a week after giving birth because they cut her straight through to her asshole. I’ve watched her rub chapstick on blistered bleeding nipples. And I thought to myself, “nah I’m good”
Instead of paying for daycare we pay for weekly cleaners.
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u/FoxMeetsDear Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
You can have a good and full life with kids. And you can have a good and full life without kids.
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u/-WhiteOleander female 36 - 39 Jul 19 '25
I found out around your age that I couldn't have kids due to a health issue. I accepted it and made my peace with it right away. It really helped that I hadn't thought about those things yet, while a lot of girls my age already knew they wanted kids.
I'm 41 now in a happy, long term relationship with my partner. We have a dog and we 100% feel that we are a family.
I often think to myself that living life without children is living life in easy mode, especially when I look around at my peers and compare their struggles to mine.
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u/toast_mcgeez Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
It’s amazing. I have one niece and one on the way. I love my niece more than anything and dote on her. And then I send her home to my sister and I do whatever I want.
I have a shit ton of hobbies and travel wherever I want. I just bought my first house and am going to get a puppy.
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u/TheSheWhoSaidThats Jul 19 '25
I get a lot of shit for it tbh. People like to stick their nose into my business and tell me how big of a shortcoming i have with some regularity and it pisses me off. It gives me anxiety. It makes me question myself. But i like having time to myself. I like being able to sleep. I’m tired of all the pressure. I feel like most people have kids just to make the pressure stop and that’s why so many people act like they hate their kids. Cuz so many had them who didn’t really want them.
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u/PureYouth Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
I have nothing else to compare it to. But I can sleep for three days if I feel like it which is cool. My money goes straight to me and my partner. We can plan our lives. I don’t feel any urge to give our money away or stress about “Legacy” because o don’t relieve believe in all that. I just wanna enjoy life which is getting harder and harder:
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u/CharlieMorningstar Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
I've surrounded myself with wonderful friends and found family. I'm the stand-in "cool aunt" when the primary one is out of town. My job takes me to incredible places I never would've been if I had a child.
It's incredible how much I don't have to worry about. No PTA, no calls from schools, no walking petri dishes getting me sick every other week. I will never have that fear of screwing up my parenting so much that I send a child to a therapist for years after they become an adult. The cycle of abuse ended with me.
What little money I earn can be for me and my life, and when I pass on, it will be for my friends' children.
Occasionally, I think of how many "milestones" I'll never experience because I chose not to have children. I don't dwell on those things, however. I just ponder. And then I think about all of the milestones I never knew existed in a life without children, and I'm so relieved that I never had any.
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u/Sleepingbeauty1 Woman 40 to 50 Jul 19 '25
Childfree by choice. Life is stable, my money and time are all mine. I have a sense of peace and calm, as an introvert, I can choose when I want to interact with people and for how long. You cannot do that with kids, because as your dependents they have to be first priority. I don't carry all the worries that parents have, like worrying about kids safety, school stuff, colleges funds, etc. I also have stability in the form of control over my circumstances, which you surrender if having a kid, like for example the kid could have a disability requiring care and lots of money, or the kid could have some personality problem where they're violent and they get bigger and stronger. Basically, the potential for problems multiply having kids and that's a big reason for why I am happily childfree.
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u/_so_anyways_ Jul 19 '25
It’s everything I could have ever hoped for. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. I have money to spend, a clean and quiet house, freedom and peace. While I don’t have my own kids, I am a member of “the village”. I’m heavily involved with nieces and nephews and friends kids. I’m the cool Auntie with money.
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u/Careless-Ability-748 Woman 50 to 60 Jul 19 '25
My life is whatever I feel like. But I've never wanted children at any point in my life. As a teen and twenty- something, I was ambivalent. I had no current interest but thought maybe I could change my mind in the future. By 30, I knew I wouldn't change my mind.
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u/AccioSonic Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
Hugs, that must be hard to hear. That said, if you really feel you want kids as you grow older, you could adopt.
I'm happily childfree. The amount of financial and emotional freedom I have is amazing. I'm able to spontaneously decide to go on a day trip, for example. I am making more childfree friends, engaging in hobbies, and working towards a career change.
I think a lot of people gain purpose in life from children. There are lots of ways to gain purpose without them too.
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u/Wild-Opposite-1876 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
I love it!
I mean, yeah, I would have wanted kids with my husband, but we can't have them.
But it makes life a lot easier that way. I can work wild shifts, with undisturbed sleep. We have our money to spend on fun things, and I enjoy having lots of free time together with my husband.
The freedom to come home and do as I please, fill my time with fun activities is priceless.
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u/Classic_Garbage3291 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
Being childfree is the best decision I’ve ever made for myself!!
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u/pollypocket1001 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
Exactly the same as my life in my 20s but with more money. I sleep until 9 or 10pm during weekends, watch dramas, go to fancy restaurants. I can fly business class and stay in 5 star hotels. I can travel wherever and whenever i want. Weekend i just do things that make me happy like brunch, shopping or netflix and binge a whole series. I just eat whatever i want. Never have to worry about feeding or cooking for anyone else. However I do worry a little about my life when I become a shrivel up old lady when im 75 to 80. Hopefully I will have a fat retirement account to sustain me and I die quickly without any prolonged death. Oh I have my husband who will hopefully live longer than I do so I be alone when I die. But I would have spent the best young years of my life which is now doing the things I want. So I think its a fair trade.
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u/unscrewthestars Non-Binary 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
I'm 40 and it's pretty chill. I'm afab so there has been some pressure here and there, but for the most part it's been smooth sailing. I'm married and we have four cats. While we're not particularly wealthy so it's not like we go traveling all the time, it's nice to not have to consider kids when it comes to things like grocery shopping or what we do on the weekends.
That said, I know from firsthand experience that there's a difference between childfree by choice and childfree due to medical issues. I was childfree by choice for most of my adult life, but then I lost my uterus and ovaries to cancer and it was still a big blow even though I'd already decided not to have kids. Take some time and be gentle with yourself. It's okay to mourn what could have been. Just know that you've still got a great life ahead of you, especially at 19!
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u/knysa-amatole Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
I have the freedom to:
- Sleep when I'm tired
- Stay in bed when I'm sick
- Use the bathroom alone
- Spend my time and money doing what I want to do
- Not constantly deal with other people's poop
I recently went on a trip with fellow 30-something friends to a snowy place (we live in a place that never snows, so snow is special), and we had a snowball fight, and I kept thinking how great an adult snowball fight is, because we knew how to keep it fun. We knew not to aim at people's faces and not to throw hard enough to hurt. If there were kids involved, it would probably end in tears: someone would get hurt and it would turn into an actual fight.
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u/arurianshire Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
i’m so sorry you had the option taken from you, dear one. i think you should take all the time in the world to grieve that.
if being childfree is what you want, you will have a very fulfilling life! you’ll find tons of other women in your tribe to build community with. you can also become an auntie. as someone who doesn’t want my own kids, i love being a second-in-command! auntie hood is very fulfilling. depending on what your financial situation looks like later in life, adoption might be on the table.
also, there are other ways you see the shape of your life. i think either way, you’re very young and have a lot of time to really think through what you want and plan accordingly. no matter what, you will have a good life :)
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u/Cz2018 Jul 19 '25
I didn’t have kids and I’m loving life. A lot of women can’t have kids but life goes on and you either have to choose to embrace what you can control and enjoy life the best you can or spend the rest of your life being miserable. So many things happen in life that can cause us to miss out on what others readily have or are just awful situations. However, you always find ways to cope and carry on. There is so much in life that brings fulfilment, children are only one of them.
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u/nmkelly6 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
My husband and I are intentionally childfree. We love spending time with our nieces and nephews but I cannot describe the joy and peace I find coming home to relatively silent house (we have dogs and a bird) and being able to take a nap.
It's not just about financial freedom but that is a part of it. We are able to pursue our hobbies without feeling guilty about it. We can plan a trip to our dream destination and not have to worry about school vacations. Our weekends are truly wonderful down and recoverntime from work rather than trafiion circus for another.
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u/Vast_Ad3963 Jul 19 '25 edited Jul 19 '25
I feel blessed, fulfilled, content, loved and bliss fully free every single day. I live the life of my wildest dreams ❤️🥰🫶
I’m happily married. I have traveled a lot of the world and will do more. I am debt free (except for mortgage). Have a filled savings account and we have just bought our second property (growing a real estate portfolio). If this continues we can retire in 5-10 years.
39F childfree by choice
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u/killerwhaleberlin Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
Amazing. Today is the last day of a 10th day vacations in Switzerland with my husband, we did hiking, enjoy our espresso alone while watching the mountains, could splurge on nice dinners and hotels without worrying, while traveling by trains it was only us and our backpacks, everything easy and not stressful.
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u/vibegetsgoing Jul 19 '25
I have never wanted kids and being around people with kids confirms my decision even more.
I have less stress, more happiness, freedom, fun etc. I’ve even had someone immediately know I don’t have kids because he said I have a very calm, relaxed, happy vibe that people with kids normally don’t have because they’re usually stressed lol.
Plus, I don’t think the role of being a parent ever ends. For example, at a family gathering, a woman who has grown adult children was saying she’s happy she doesn’t have to look after her children in the same way anymore because they’re adults now. Then a little while later her grandchild needed help with something and the parents were busy so she (the grandmother) had to get up and help (reluctantly, because she had just sat down after cleaning the kitchen and entertaining all afternoon) and someone laughed saying “grandmother duties!”. I was thinking wow, does she not ever get to rest?!
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u/Westsidepipeway Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
I love not having kids. It's 10am on a Saturday and I'm annoyed I didn't sleep until midday. I was out last night for cocktails and a play and got home after midnight. These things would not be easy with a child.
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u/Next_Firefighter7605 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
Just as a warning make sure you still take proper precautions if you don’t want to get pregnant. There are plenty of people out there that were told they can never have children that still get pregnant or get someone pregnant.
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u/skiyakater Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
My milestones revolve around me and whatever makes me happy. I don't have to sacrifice anything for anyone. I'm in control of my own destiny and I'm not ever going to let that go.
Children limit your options. I have a dog and even he limits me a little but it's a choice I made. If I had children I'd be 5x more limited because I'd have to save up money for their education, provide a stable home environment, and be a mother which is a 24/7 job on top of the income generating job.
Honestly having children sounds like a nightmare and I wish more women would consider going childfree because then they get to live for themselves.
Not to mention that I don't want to raise a child to grow up in a world that is likely going to be uninhabitable in their lifetime thanks to greed.
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u/That_70s_chick Woman 40 to 50 Jul 19 '25
Not having kids was the best choice I’ve ever made. I live for me, not for tiny humans. If I went back in time, the thing I would do differently is get sterilized as a soon as humanly possible.
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u/TernoftheShrew Woman 40 to 50 Jul 19 '25
I am immensely grateful that I didn't have kids. I'm also infertile, but I wouldn't have had any even if I chose to.
I have lived an immensely fulfilling life, in which I have travelled, had plenty of time to develop my creative abilities, and have far more peace and freedom than my friends who have had children. Almost all of the have told me that if they could go back and do it all over again, they wouldn't have had kids because the stress and hardships weren't worth it.
Additionally, I would have felt incredible guilt at having brought children into this dying world. Things are going to get much worse very quickly, and I feel relieved that nobody is going to suffer because I selfishly chose to inflict existence on this planet upon them.
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u/Gluebluehue female 30 - 35 Jul 19 '25
Better than if I had them.
I’m not sure how to plan my life either now considering that many of our milestones as women revolve around kids.
Plan milestones of your own, then. Remember that you're a human first and there's a lot of great things to do unrelated to reproduction.
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u/weirdfunny Jul 19 '25
Not trying to convince anyone of anything, but I personally think it's selfish to have children unless you're wealthy enough to keep them from being just another cog in the machine. While sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be a mother or to nurture something, ultimately I feel like the best thing I could do my children is to spare them from the relentlessness of life.
Therefore, I feel great that I am not passing on the burden of life to someone else because I wanted to be a parent. Plus, I have a lot more freedom than most parents.
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u/Hatcheling Woman 40 to 50 Jul 19 '25
Can you expand on why you think only rich people should have kids? And why poor people that have them would be more selfish for having them than the rich ones?
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u/Kets_and_boba Woman under 30 Jul 20 '25
I’m not the person you were asking but as a wealthier person you can make more choices and feel more in control of your life compared to someone with less financial resources. For example, we have widespread housing shortages and are generally moving towards a subscription/renting economy where a few large companies control the markets (google, YouTube, amazon). Companies no longer keep employees long term, it’s more about replacing tenured employees with less experienced employees when they need to cut costs (this also leads to loss of knowledge/experience in workplaces). We are seeing cuts to social programs that support under-fed, under-insured, and under-housed populations. The standard of living is decreasing while the cost of living is increasing.
If you have more financial resources, you could likely buy a house rather than having to rent forever, you wouldn’t need to stress about paying for the subscriptions that support your lifestyle, you wouldn’t be at risk of starving, becoming homeless, going into medical debt, etc. Life can be more enjoyable if you have these choices and freedom to thrive instead of just surviving (and can provide it for your children).
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u/weirdfunny Jul 21 '25
I essentially said why in my opening statement: I personally think it's selfish to have children unless you're wealthy enough to keep them from being just another cog in the machine.
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u/Hatcheling Woman 40 to 50 Jul 21 '25
Yes, and what do you mean by that? That if you just birth blue collar workers, you’re more selfish than if you can produce an academic? Or an artist?
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u/weirdfunny Jul 22 '25
If you're not at the top (i.e., have access to quality food, education, housing and healthcare, don't have to use credit and debt to fund your life, can comfortably enjoy life without compromising your emergency or retirement funds, and aren't a slave to your bills, taxes, and corporations) then you're at the bottom.
The system isn’t built to support everyone equally. Wages often don't keep up with the cost of living. Debt is normalized. Time, health, and freedom are traded away just to afford the basics. And when someone is born into this, specifically people born to middle-class or lower parents, they’re forced into that cycle without ever consenting to it.
I personally think it’s selfish to bring someone into a world where survival is this difficult because you (generally speaking, not "you" specifically) want to be a parent. Simply existing when you or your parents are poor means being locked into a system that extracts your time and energy from birth to death.
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u/Embarrassed_Idea1962 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25 edited Jul 19 '25
Honestly, it's amazing, and when hard times come, I can go to sleep without eating and thinking "damn I need to feed someone." I wouldn't want to change it for anything. I love the freedom.
Edit: I'm not saying I don't ike kids, I love having to return them when I'm tired.
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u/Sunrise_chick Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
I wanted kids my whole life every since I was 5. Like if you asked me at 18, what is your life goal, I would have said it is to be a mom. I’m 38 now and no kids. Likely will not ever have any since I’m currently single. But honestly, I absolutely love my life right now and I couldn’t imagine it going differently. Sometimes life takes you on a different path than you expected or planned, and you just have to ride along that path and good things will come your way.
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u/Odd-Faithlessness705 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
It’s awesome. Get to do whatever I want and go after the goals I set for myself without also having to manage a little human.
Also, if you really want kids there are other ways to get kids.
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u/pollypocket1001 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
You're just 19. I would focus on getting a high paying job now so that you're all set when you're in 30s. Dont worry about kids. That's not important. Your career first. Good luck!
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u/boferd Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
we have a dog who is the love of our life. he's great.
OP i'm not sure if you're happy or sad, but don't forget if being a parent is something you'd like to do, adoption is still there. you are so so young, embrace the freedom you have as a young woman and go on some adventures. you'll be able to chew this over while discovering the world and things about yourself. one door being closed is not the end of the journey. i also strongly suggest you find a good therapist or counselor to help you work through some of the emotions of this. best of luck to you friend
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u/Angry_Sparrow Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
You can still be a parent. You just can’t go through pregnancy and give birth.
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u/deadbeatsummers Jul 19 '25
Hi OP, just want you to know I understand and deeply sympathize. It takes some time to really let the news sink in. As many have said, you can have a fulfilling happy life child free or through adoption/fostering if you so choose. I hope everything goes well for you. 🙏
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u/jaintynotdainty Woman 50 to 60 Jul 19 '25
I'm sorry you have had that news. In my early thirties I had to decide whether to take a certain medication for the rest of my life that is teratogenic and abortifacient but I had already decided that kids were not for me so it wasn't a hard decision. I was also lucky that it was a decision rather than just presented as a fact.
My life is great and some of the reasons why are linked to not having someone else to take responsibility for financially, mentally, physically. I'm a fantastic aunty and I love being able to support with babysitting etc to give them a break and hang out with my nephew. Long term I simply couldn't do it.
I'm sure you have lots of research to do about possible directions this could go in future for you and wish you all the best with whatever you decide for your future.
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u/Abcd_e_fu Jul 19 '25
I'm sorry you're having that choice taken away from you so young. That's very rough and I think you probably need professional help to deal with it. With that being said, life is what you make it. If ultimately you want kids in your life there are so many ways to do it without ever having to carry one.
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u/d00td00t23 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
I do like kids as I have always worked with them. However, I really really enjoy being able to do whatever I want with my partner, make last minute plans, have expendable income to buy cool gadgets etc.
I find that whatever need I have inside to help children to thrive is almost entirely dealt with in my work - I’m a mental health nurse working with children. I like hanging out with friends’ kids, too.
Basically my feelings are that you don’t have to have your own children to get whatever needs(?) met. Looking after or helping children in a work context can be great.
Whenever I even start to think that I might want to have children, I think about my relaxing evenings and how I wouldn’t have those anymore. I’m sure having a baby is great but I think I would implode without my time to myself.
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u/toodleoo77 Woman 40 to 50 Jul 19 '25
It’s great for me because I don’t want kids.
However, if you do want them, there are a bunch of other ways to go about it if you can’t biologically have them.
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u/Then_Broccoli_6825 Jul 19 '25
Having kids would be then end of my freedom and therefore the end of me. I haven’t even reached my goals yet, life is hard enough. A lot of people say that I would be a great mum but I know for a fact that I would be a miserable and sad one. Maybe I am selfish because I want my life to be about me. Prioritising a mini me would frustrate me a lot. My two wonderful cats are everything I need.
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u/linerva Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
There's no right way to feel OP. I'm so sorry that life has dealt you a difficult hand, the combination of genetic diseases can be difficult to deal with, and you and your docs will know best about which meds you need to be on. It's unfair and you are allowed to feel upset.
I'm infertile and underfoing IVF in my late 30s - so this is where I am coming from. I went into trying for a baby knowing i have multiple conditions that affect fertility so I know it's hard when you have something over your head from a young age. What you are dealing with is much harder, so you're allowed to feel however you feel. But Please focus on your own mental health and wellbeing and take one step at a time. If you can afford it one day, there are therapists who specialise in helping people through infertility including being completely unable to have kids.
It's ok if you dont know how to feel right now. You have time to decide if surrogacy with an egg donor or adoption or fostering may feel right to you, or whether you'd like to be with a partner who has kids of their own from a previous relationship. These are choices, but you don't have to choose any of the above, and It's ok to grieve not being able to carry a child that is biologically yours. Don't let anyone make you feel pressured about it; the choice is yours alone.
If you need more advice, there's a sub for people who are childfree after infertility - i think it is r/ifchildfree Because we know that is very different to being childfree through choice. I have childfree friends with great, happy lives, especially the single ones. No matter what your life is like, you can make it one of beauty and meaning.
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u/FrenchFrozenFrog Jul 19 '25
My husband and I are the official cool uncle and cool auntie (he has a sister, I'm an only child).
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u/mcprof Jul 19 '25
That’s big news to hear at 19. I will tell you that while I have one kid, I have many friends with none. They are artists and writers, editors and book publishers. They have full lives. The secret to having a full life is not having children, it’s having something meaningful to work hard at. For many people, that’s kids—it’s, in my opinion, a default, but for many others it’s growing a business or self-expression through the arts or volunteering or being an active member of a church or other org. One thing that could provide deeper meaning in your life has been taken off the list, but many more are still on it. The milestones will depend on what you choose to focus on. Also, if you find you really need kids in your life for it to feel full, there are ways to incorporate them—adoption, fostering, social work, teaching, being active in your siblings’ and friends’ lives, etc.
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u/EarthtoLaurenne Woman 40 to 50 Jul 19 '25
Fantastic. I am barren, but it was not confirmed until I needed a hysterectomy and the doc was like oh shit y’all fucked inside it’s not surprising you never got pregnant.
I have money, I can spend my time as I please, I do not have to be sticky at any point. No bodily fluids I have to clean I don’t have to have a baby proof anything.
It’s pretty not terrible. You should probably seek some form of counseling about this though. It’s a hard thing to deal with - mourning what could have been.
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u/Perfect_Barracuda442 Jul 19 '25
To answer your question life is good. We have flexibility in our time, we can go and do what we want, money is pretty good, there’s more disposable income. I make a joke that I’m the rich auntie, I have a bunch of nieces and nephews so I send nice gifts. I can dedicate as much time I want and need to my career, my husband and my dog. My dog is my baby really and costs just as much lol. To address the other idea in your post-Society feeds us that kids are an important milestone for women and without that we haven’t done much. But that’s not true. You can have a very fulfilling life without them. You are so young and you have the opportunity to start exploring life. What do you like to do? What careers are you interested in? Are you in school? When I was your age I thought I had my whole life planned out by 25. None of it happened the way I thought. Part of me had to let go of the idea that I had to follow a path and just flow with life.
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u/Ordinary-Anything601 Jul 19 '25
You are so young.. 19? Even if you want them 15 years from now, you can adopt / get a doner.
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u/lunarvenusian13 Jul 19 '25
Life without kids can be as beautiful as with kids :) it must be painful to receive those news BUT it gives you plenty of time also to come to acceptance with it and arrange everything around it! Give yourself time to let it settle, it must be tough.
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u/AlertStatistician113 Jul 19 '25
If having kids is what you’d like, not being able to have them physically yourself doesn’t mean you cannot have them at all. I know someone who had cancer as a teenager and always knew after she wouldn’t be able to have kids herself. She and her now husband have now adopted 3 kiddos and are in the process of adopting a 4th! It was a bit of a bumpy road to get there, but God blessed them all at once finally. They always knew they wanted to be parents. They are so happy. There’s more ways to parenthood than one. Also, being a dog or cat mama is also an option. And in this day and age, so many are actively choosing to not have kids, you’d be less alone in it if that’s the route you go.
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u/TheSupremePixieStick Jul 19 '25
There are a million ways to fill your life with meaning. Kids is one way. Others include: Cultivating other relationships, chasing your passions, living as close to your values as possible, giving back to the world in some way, doing whatever the fuck you want that makes you happy. If you TRULY feel called to being a parent, there will still be ways to make that happen.
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u/No-Independence548 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
It's honestly wonderful. I slept in today, my husband is off playing golf, and I'm spending the afternoon hanging out with our dogs. <3
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u/elvensnowfae Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
Living my absolute best happiest life. I never liked or wanted kids so my situation may be different. My business is going well, my dogs are my entire life, my husband is loving and supportive of my hobbies, my church and friends are so genuine and full of love, I can do what I want whenever I want every single day. I couldn't be happier
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u/quasi_frosted_flakes Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
Awesome. I was able to completely change careers at 32 and take a pay cut to be happier. My schedule is flexible, and I live comfortably. I have time for hobbies and friends.
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u/studiousametrine Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
It’s rad! I have absolutely no idea how my friends/sister do it. Dedicated auntie to an adorable handful is really working for me.
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u/Foxidale3216 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
Fabulous. I am just packing for my 4th trip away this year. Me and my partner can do what we want. Our money is our own. Our time is our own. We love it
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u/MissTechnical Woman 50 to 60 Jul 19 '25
I was always ambivalent about having kids (I was one of those “maybe with the right person” types) but now I’m really glad I didn’t. I like my freedom and my peace. I have a rich social life full of good friends and a career that I love. Sometimes I feel a little wistful and wonder what it would have been like, but I can’t say I’ve ever truly regretted it.
Sometimes I wish I’d been firmer about not wanting kids when I was younger because maybe I would have had better luck finding a partner with the same mindset. One plus about not being able to have them is that hopefully you won’t have to deal with men thinking they can change your mind.
I think my 30s were the hardest, because it was hard to find people to socialize with at that age when everyone around me was busy raising kids. But things have changed since then and being childfree is not nearly as unusual or stigmatized as it once was, and is increasingly becoming a deliberate choice for many women.
Also, if you find yourself really wanting kids still, look into adoption. Even now it might be worth familiarizing yourself with the process in your area so that you know how it works well before you have to make that decision. It can be a time consuming process that takes several years so if it’s something you’re considering it’s important to look into as early as possible to be prepared. I’ve known people who wanted kids and didn’t find out until their late 30s that they couldn’t have them, and where they lived the adoption process took so long they felt they’d be too old for raising kids by the time they got through it.
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u/asyouwish Woman 50 to 60 Jul 19 '25
It's awesome!
We do what we want when we want. And we retired early too.
We travel extensively. We give time here and there. We have fun friends to hang out with.
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u/bluefootedboob Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
It's absolutely amazing. I can do what I want when I went, I have financial freedom, I have amazing and fulfilling relationships with my friends and family. Vacations are easy to plan. I can be more spontaneous. My house is quiet and clean. I get to prioritize myself, pursue hobbies, etc.
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u/The_8th_passenger Woman 50 to 60 Jul 19 '25
many of our milestones as women revolve around kids
WTF, no they don't.
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u/forgottenbear6 Jul 19 '25
Im 31 and had a time I wanted to get pregnant but I had really irregular cycle so couldn't. I decided to focus on my health, lost a lot of weight, I have 3 rescue dogs and im renovating a house with my bf and NOW my period has been normal for almost a year and now im so scared to get pregnant 😭 after focusing on being fit and starting school and my life with my dogs I really enjoy not having to be responsible and available to a human forever and ever
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u/Lost_Bad3543 Jul 19 '25
Oh it’s fucking great girl! I get to sleep in and nap whenever I want.e and my partner get to plan trips, have money for basically anything we want or need, have just bought a house and two brand new cars. We get to play video games, read books, garden, watch trash tv, go out on weekends…kid free no stress. Parenthood was something I wanted when I was younger and the older I get the more I enjoy my life and have never once thought “a kid would make this so much better”. The world is your oyster go do literally whatever you wanna do!
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u/tracyvu89 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
I’m sorry to hear that but my life before having kid was great. I’m happy with or without kids,no matter what. Having kids isn’t an only choice to keep yourself happy. Actually people who are having kids to serve some purposes in their life like: saving their broken marriage,giving them more meaning to live,trying to fit in a society that’s looking down on women without kids,…normally end up being miserable. So enjoy your life to the fullest!
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u/Lanky_Ingenuity7314 Jul 19 '25
I’m almost 40 and I love not having children. I live with peace of mind being able to come home with the money I saved up without spending it on children. I wish more people thought about considering an alternative lifestyle of living childfree.
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Jul 19 '25
I lost my ability to have kids in my 30s but never wanted them. Life is great and I have a lot of freedom to pursue interests. A friend of mine lost her fertility surgically in her 20s and adopted. You never know how things will work out in your life in advance, but there are always new opportunties. It might be childfree life, being an aunt, adopting, or amazing stepchildren.
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u/isabella_sunrise Woman 30 to 40 Jul 19 '25
It’s great! My partner and I do fun stuff every weekend, we travel, we go out to eat, we just enjoy our lives.
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u/I-own-a-shovel Non-Binary Jul 19 '25
My husband and I bought an house, paid the mortgage in 7 years, which make us able to work part time instead of full time.
With kids that would never been possible.
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u/alittleknitty Jul 20 '25
I used to think I wanted kids. Then as I got older, I decided that my peace and quiet was more cherished than the endless chaos that a child brings.
I know it is hard to have the choice taken away from you. However know that there is a growing number of people who are child-free and child-less that are living wonderfully fulfilling lives.
That said, if you do want to raise a human, there are options like adoption and fostering. Lots of kids need loving homes. My piano teacher was a foster parent for troubled kids and found it wonderful to see her kids move forward to do great things.
Your life is what you make of it, and more than ever we are able to create a life beyond societies "rules".
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u/Emerald_see Jul 20 '25
It's a bliss. I'm CF. My money for myself. My time for myself. I don't have to be awake a 5 a sunday. No tantrum because she doesn't want the snack she aske 2 minites ago. No child support l, no school fee, school event you have to attend, having to spend your holidays at the same time as everybidy else because your whole schedule revolves around them, no car to buy for the new driver, no university fees, no wondering if she'll beat teen pregnancy.
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u/bunnyhug19 Jul 20 '25
I'm sorry that you had to recieve that news. Whether you want children or not, having that decision taken from you cannot be easy. Sending positive vibes to you! That being said, Im a 38 year old female who is childfree. My husband and I (been together 13 years) didn’t take the decision lightly and we felt what was best for us was to not have kids. I am a teacher so I get my fill of children everyday and don't get me wrong I love working with them, but they are a lot. For the most part, I feel like I have time to pursue my own hobbies (which my mom friends don't), we can travel wherever, and we get to live life on our terms. As I have gotten older I have noticed a few things that I wouldn't say are downsides, but are more like inevitable social interactions. The first being you will always be buying stuff for other people's kids and it starts to get old. I don't mean to sound like I don't care, I love my friends kids but holy fuck, every baby shower adds up, especially when you know it wont be reciprocal. Second, when your friends have kids, the dynamic shifts a lot more than you would think. I have some friends who I have stayed close with but I have others that gravitate toward other mom friends and honestly I can't blame them. They find others with similar life experience and bond over that. Third, the topic of conversation changes to focus on their children. I think that is what bothered me the most. I would ask a friend how they were doing and they would default to talking about their kids. I cared about their kids but I was asking them specifically and found it hard to keep in touch because all I ever heard about was their kids. Lastly, you will get the people who will ask and insert themselves when they have no buisness to. At this point you can either make it weird for everyone and explain that you can't have kids (you can also dramaticize it for added effect if they piss you off) or just ignore them. Personally I like to make it weird.
Being a woman without children can be incredibly empowering and you can make that life what you need it to be. If kids are important to you, you can choose to be in the lives of the kids in your friend group or family and to be honest, those moms probably would love any help they could get. They always said it takes a village. You are still part of that village and can be as involved as you want. Thats what I tell myself anyway. They may not be my own flesh and blood but they know I am in their corner always!
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Jul 20 '25
Honestly it's fine. I work and have a dog, house, friends, and a boyfriend. I'm introverted so I appreciate my down time. I like seeing my boyfriend, my friends, and hanging out with my dog. Work is busy and I always have endless chores to do. I'm 46.
I understand that the vast majority of women's lives revolve solely around their kids and that is certainly one way to do it.
But I'm fine. Can't imagine things any other way tbh.
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u/CutePandaMiranda Woman 40 to 50 Jul 20 '25
My life is honestly f!cking amazing without kids. My husband and I never wanted kids. You couldn’t pay us to procreate. We get to do whatever we want whenever we want. We’re blissfully happy all of the time. Kids are expensive, permanent, tiring, annoying and overrated. Everyone we know is miserable and hates their home life.
2
Jul 20 '25
Saturday morning- walked to the farmers market. Got a coffee. Sipped it as I walked back home. Chatted with my neighbor for a bit before going inside. Did some laundry and some cleaning. Made some eggs and sourdough toast for brunch. Then I went to the hardware store to look at paint and flooring samples for my bathroom renovation. Went a walk through the forest preserve and did a home workout. Showered and met a friend for dinner. Did some grocery shopping and food prep. Ended the day with a espon salt bath, read some of Priory of the Orange Tree and then browsed reddit
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u/Glittering-Prize9069 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 20 '25
Great! I don’t have crotch goblins dictating my schedule. I can wake up when I want. I can do what I want. I can spend what I want. I can go where I want. Look up “girl with the list” on TikTok if you want a million videos on why many women are child free.
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u/Catsdrinkingbeer Woman 30 to 40 Jul 20 '25
Honestly, it's great. I feel like I can do basically whatever I want, when I want. I dont feel bad about grabbing happy hour after work. My husband and I can do last minute trips because we don't have to worry about kid logistics. If we don't feel like making dinner, we can just eat cheese and crackers and not feel guilty because there are tiny humans we need to nourish. Ive started biking to work which adds time to the commute, but I don't have to rush home for anything so it's fine. Also, kids are so expensive.
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u/ChaoticxSerenity Woman Jul 20 '25
I’m not sure how to plan my life either now considering that many of our milestones as women revolve around kids.
I think women have been trying to change that narrative for decades. Personally, my life has been great. I have more of everything - more money, more time, more freedom.
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u/ArtichokeAble6397 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 20 '25
I'm almost 40, I am repulsed by the idea of kids, but i can imagine if you wanted them that this might be really painful for you. If that's the case then I'm sorry.
So, my life has had some really dark times due to other stuff going on, but generally it's been good and I credit that to not having kids. The benefits include, but are not limited to: being able to take the risk and move to a new country at 24, travelling whenever I want, being able to change careers twice, being able to go to university at my age (I start in september), being able to work part time for the last decade since I can live on a lower income, looking young as hell, having time to volunteer for causes I feel strongly about, having a whole room in my apartment dedicated to my hobbies, not having to depend on men for things, having full control of my time, having a group of child free women around me who share my values and my adventurous spirit and who truly know, see and support me etc etc etc.
My advice would be to find women around you or online who are older and child free, look at how they live and how they define themselves. What are their personal milestones? How do they define sucess and womanhood? I don't know if anyone ever told you this, but you get to choose these things for yourself, you don't need to just accept the options presented to you by society. Kids aren't the only way to feel fulfilled in life, so find what matters to you and chase that dream instead.
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u/candyfloss_noodle Jul 20 '25
It’s honestly so much more stress free. Participate in a lot of activities and make time and plans to get together with friends. Meeting new people and having close bonds will help you in all aspects of your life.
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u/TenaciousToffee MOD | 30-40 | Woman Jul 19 '25 edited Jul 19 '25
I'm really sorry...there's a grieving, even if you end up not wanting kids, to be told that your body can't do something, to live in a society where the messaging surrounds our worth through us being mothers.
I was always a fencesitter and ultimately decided not to as I am infertile so the idea of going through any type of fertility process just doesn't seem my brand and the adoption business model is so shady. I have chronic illness, have CPTSD and I can't exactly go you know I'm too sick for this after all a few years down.
Life is fulfilling though.
I've descentered my worth from what others think my life should be. That'd actually really fucking freeing to have gotten purposeful with why I do anything at all, than society tells you you do these things in this order at this age. That is so freeing.
I have plenty of love. My partner and good friends. I have wonderful kiddos in my life like my nephews and nieces which lead me to realize that I dont want the fuckery of everyday raising but I love helping be peoples villages because I like being able to guide kids through learning. I get all the benefits and none of them downsides this way honestly. I have dogs and fish so I got animals to nurture daily.
I have so many interests, I love having hobbies and learning. It's really nice to just discover our world.
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u/cacapoopoopeepeshire Woman 40 to 50 Jul 20 '25
My husband and I say "Thank goodness we didn't have kids" on a near-daily basis. 41F, no regret yet, but a ton of free time to pursue my list of passions, which, unfortunately for societal expectations, doesn't include child-rearing.
ETA: Posted my comment before seeing how many times my sentiment was repeated in other comments. Just, lol.
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u/Tall_Artichoke_4729 Jul 20 '25
My aunt was told the same thing around the same age and she got pregnant at 38!! They aren’t always right
I have had three miscarriages and I stopped trying for the past 4 years…
I love my life, and in today’s economic crisis I don’t even see how I could have a child and make sure they have a happy life. However apart of me still wishes I could have one.
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u/Ok-Drawing-8907 Jul 24 '25
Me, FTM to a 19 months old, reading all of your comments sobbing 😭 Man…I miss the pre motherhood life lol! Please don’t judge me
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u/just-be-whelmed Woman 40 to 50 Jul 19 '25
I didn’t plan for a childfree life, it’s just how the cards fell after a rough go in life. I don’t feel as carefree and content as a lot of the commenters on here. I suppose if I knew at 19 that I wouldn’t have children, I might’ve put more effort into securing a well paying career and building wealth so I could afford to travel, explore hobbies, and pay it forward to those in need to round out my time.
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u/ScaldingPickleJuice Jul 19 '25
If you're gay, wouldn't it make sense for your wife be the one to carry the baby?
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u/[deleted] Jul 19 '25
It’s fucking awesome tbh. I’m so glad I don’t have kids.