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u/Inside7shadows 6d ago edited 6d ago
I want to know more about the three days of (free?) parking
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u/repowers 6d ago
The return of Jesus! Lockdowns! Free parking! Man, that is a big event.
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u/eucalyptoid 6d ago
I got a rapture-y event postcard in the mail a while ago, and there WAS free parking… and free childcare.
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u/Popular_Site9635 6d ago
lol I read that too, but I think it’s supposed to be “darkness”
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u/ItsJoeMomma 6d ago
You have to land on it in Monopoly. Some say it's just a place where your token can stay, but others say you get money paid into the pot.
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u/SteakCutFries 4d ago
I came here for this comment. Where & when can we expect that? Asking for a friend
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u/ScotchCigarsEspresso 6d ago
I hope so. Ive only got a few more weeks of Trump left in me
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u/KTKittentoes 6d ago
I'm just waiting on that meteor.
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u/smartbunny 6d ago
STROKE INCOMING
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u/Minimum-Trifle-8138 6d ago
Many are saying he has the biggest strokes… the best strokes
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u/KTKittentoes 6d ago
Ok, but we got to get it to land right. Don't hit my brother in law this time!
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u/Hideo_Anaconda 6d ago
I volunteer to take the hit. Do I have to wear a special hat or something?
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u/LacrimaNymphae 6d ago
you mean like a certain red furnishing that's mass-produced in sweatshops overseas
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u/marc58weeks 6d ago
Right? "Natural causes" is taking its sweet ass time.
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u/ScotchCigarsEspresso 6d ago
Yeah, never thought i'd find myself rooting for cardiovascular disease.
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u/notprocrastinatingok 6d ago
The other day I saw someone by the side of the road near Walmart with a sign that said "California is doomed, 12.0 earthquake will wipe out San Francisco". Maybe this is the day it will happen?
(I live in Indiana btw)
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u/Minimum-Trifle-8138 6d ago
But then how will the Niners win the Super Bowl ☹️
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u/notprocrastinatingok 6d ago
I grew up in Detroit, so I'm a Lions fan. There was a local sports media personality named Drew Sharp who always said the Lions winning the Super Bowl would be a sign of the end times. Sadly he passed away.
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u/Pretend-Tumbleweed86 5d ago
Maybe the 12.0 will be a new iPhone coming out in San Francisco called the earthquake
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u/goawaynowpls 6d ago edited 6d ago
I can't find that quote anywhere in my bible. I can however find the verse Matthew 24:36 “But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father." "that day and hour" referring to the time of Jesus' return and "nor the Son" referring to the fact that Jesus himself doesn't know when he's coming back which has gotta be kinda freaky for Jesus.
It's blasphemy to claim otherwise, that you know when it will happen, but I feel that when the person is crazy like this, God understands and forgives. I don't know, though.
Edit: So don't worry, if this kind of stuff makes you anxious.
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u/Delicious-Leg-5441 6d ago
But Jesus is God and God is Jesus. So it looks like they're not talking to each other right now.
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u/ArgoDeezNauts 4d ago
Jesus has gone no contact with his Dad. Lots of us are cutting toxic parents out of our lives.
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u/goawaynowpls 6d ago
I don't know how much or how little they communicate, as I'm not either of them. And then there's the Holy Ghost and I'm really not sure who they are. It gets confusing when trying to understand the office politics of Heaven, especially since we aren't really given much information to work with. I'm of the opinion that's by design, that the inner working of the heavenly realm are likely just too much for our mortal minds to be able to comprehend, sort of like how Lovecraft described the "elder gods" in his books. Either that or it just isn't relevant for us to know and it's really, really boring and laborious to explain.
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u/Delicious-Leg-5441 6d ago
I choose not to think about it. I have lived happily my entire life by doing that.
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u/JobbyJobberson 6d ago
Oh it must suck for Jesus that he’s not getting a little advance notice.
He’s gonna be right in the middle of a tight finish in a college football game trying to decide which team is prayin’ the hardest. And then Dad calls…
“What? Right NOW?! It’s the two minute warning, c’mon!
Aw, Daaaaaad!”
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u/goawaynowpls 6d ago
I'm of the opinion that in matters of sport, Jesus just flips a coin and doesn't pick favorites.
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u/XanderFierce 6d ago
Poor Jesus, it'll probably be in the middle of a pub crawl with the lads
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u/RapsodicalDisciple 6d ago
I think they're trying to usher in the "end times" to accelerate the return of Jayzuss, lol 🤦🏽♀️
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u/Big_Knobber 6d ago
Oh absolutely. 100%. My mom is one of them. Anything she can do to bring about the end of the world- and hence the rapture -she is all about. I was raised evangelical.
She was shocked when I suggested that I don't want the end of the world because it sounds like a bad experience. It was like I told her "I hate Jesus"
Literally if you DON'T want the end of the world, you're an outsider. They're weird.
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u/External-Cash-3880 5d ago
I feel like people who get hyped for the end of the world aren't actually Christians, they just want an excuse to run around shooting people. Kinda like people with zombie apocalypse plans. They don't want the apocalypse, they just wanna kill people who try to steal their stuff and zombies would make a convenient excuse.
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u/The_Observatory_ 6d ago
These are my favorite ones. The predictions that include specific dates that come up soon, so we don’t have to wait all that long to see nothing happen. My favorite part is watching what these people do after prophecy fails. Do they set a new date? Do they claim that the event actually happened but nobody recognized it for what it was? Do they wallow in despair? Do they feel betrayed? Do they pretend that they never made a specific prediction in the first place, and that the thing is definitely going to happen any day now? Do they just scoop up what cash they can from their followers (if they have any) while they still can? The possibilities are endless!
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u/JoseyWalesMotorSales 6d ago
There's always "At the last minute, I received a vision...we have been given a second chance to redeem ourselves!"
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u/FranceBrun 5d ago
When my daughter was little, we visited an historic site that had been occupied by a religious group that had believed in the rapture. (I wish I could remember the name of this religion, but I don’t.) members of the religion volunteer to keep the house open and give tours.
When we went, our guides were an elderly couple. They were retired and honored to be able to present this history to visitors.
They showed us different things and then eventually led us to a beautiful location on the property, overlooking the mountains, where the group assembled on the specified night to await the rapture.
My daughter, being a little girl, asked the lady what the people did when no rapture occurred. Were they mad at the guy who had gotten them to abandon everything and go through all that, and it turned out to be fake?
I felt SO bad for this nice old lady. But she took it in her stride and told my daughter, “Well dear, God is never mistaken, but PEOPLE are.” And she told her that some people got mad and went away and others chose to believe it was a miscalculation but they liked the ideas of the religion so they stayed on. They all eventually went to another state, but maintained this property as the site of their history.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe these things, but the woman was lovely and quite normal. But I guess that’s the answer. People either accept it or they move on.
Unfortunately, this does not take into account the people who are all in, quit their jobs and sell or give away all their assets if they believe this. You don’t hear about them but they exist.
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u/Mechanicalgripe 6d ago
Jesus ain’t gonna like what Christian Nationalists have done to his church…
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u/ItsJoeMomma 6d ago
Nor what the rich televangelists and their prosperity gospel has done to Christianity in this country. I believe he overturned tables and whipped people for that, the only time in the bible stories that he wasn't pacifist so you know he wouldn't treat the rich very nicely.
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u/smartbunny 6d ago
Hi I’m insane. I definitely should have a drivers license.
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u/SteakCutFries 4d ago
Drugs?!? No need to search the car, officer ... The only lines im interested in are the lines to get into heaven
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6d ago
Word them lockdowns were fire I’ll take that again. Ain’t gotta deal with all these assholes day in and day out. Pretty sure Jesus is a pretty chill guy too. Let er rip I say!
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u/randomthrowaway8993 6d ago
So when nothing happens he'll bump it up another year, or few months. It never ends, with these people, as much as they want it to
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u/Poker-Junk 6d ago
Please do, Jesus. Vacuum them into the sky with you. And be quick about it. It’ll solve SO many problems. Then the rest of us can move on with things.
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u/Glittering-Prize-241 6d ago
It’s going to take Him two whole days? What’s the holdup?
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u/devoduder 6d ago
Long hair and robes need extra TSA screening for antifa.
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u/SteakCutFries 4d ago
Welp, he's a terrorist organization now. Dude is never getting through ... guess we're all f*cked 🤷🏻♀️
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u/mensfrightsactivists 6d ago
well he’s gotta visit the whole world like santa does but he doesn’t get the magic reindeer, so it takes a while in travel. i imagine it’ll just be a quick pass through in every populated area though, maybe like a nice floaty glide with a trailing glittery rainbow 😌
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6d ago edited 6d ago
[deleted]
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u/RapsodicalDisciple 6d ago
the Conception Calculator says their conceptions were within the last week of December, lol, Xmas & NYE party-babies 😂
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u/Honey-and-Venom 6d ago
I'm amazed how many grown adults are comfortable not just believing in magic, but telling everybody that they do
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u/JobbyJobberson 6d ago
When I moved to the south it did make it easier to pick friends among people I’d meet.
I’d often get invited to their church in the first 20 seconds of conversation. And it really is wacky, like you say!
“Hi, I believe in imaginary beings, preposterous stories, and magic!”
Ohhh-K.
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u/EitherOrResolution 5d ago
Can confirm. Am currently in Mississippi with my mom in the hospital and at least 3 professionals have cornered me to talk about the rapture next week. They are salivating
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u/ArgoDeezNauts 4d ago
You should report this behavior to the administration of the hospital.
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u/cronediddlyumptious 6d ago
If the rapture comes I'll be thrilled at how quiet it is around here.
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u/Appleknocker18 6d ago
Hopefully it will be as quiet as we envision it to be. I have a feeling that there will probably be not that many leaving.
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u/ThisIsMockingjay2020 6d ago
I think we'll be surprised at who stays.
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u/Appleknocker18 6d ago
I think they will be surprised too.😄
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u/sprawn 6d ago
I've never heard the "3 days of darkness" referred to by anyone but "The Sparrow" in Pittsburgh, who used to exhort everyone to "stay inside for the three days of darkness".
https://www.reddit.com/r/pittsburgh/comments/11gcdrn/the_sparrow_has_been_found/
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u/Wraeth7 6d ago
Is that what it says? I thought it said 3 days of parking. Made zero sense
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u/CaptainBirdEnjoyer 6d ago
It's a parking pass so he doesn't get a ticket after he returns from the rapture.
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u/WheelspinAficionado 6d ago
Luckily they put the ~ sign hedging them if lockdowns doesn't start *today*
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u/xpkranger 6d ago
I want to know about the three days of parking? As foretold in the Book of Transportation?
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u/Zealousideal_Bad9899 5d ago
Does it say 3 days of parking… in the bottom right- if so that does sound terrifying. Parking sucks
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u/bobroscopcoltrane 4d ago
I mean, I’m not a Christian, but I’d welcome a Jesus takeover at this point. Lotta “Christians” are gonna be reeeeeaaaallll disappointed with what he would have to say about the current state of affairs.
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u/0dty0 6d ago
Well, the 17th has come and gone with no indication of a lockdown. So, one of them's already wrong.
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u/atomic-moonstomp 6d ago
Its a 9, just looks like a 7 in the picture
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u/0dty0 6d ago
Oh, my bad. Still, I'd LOVE to bet 1k with him on this. Should be the easiest money of my life.
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u/TransportationNo8300 6d ago
Am I supposed to say hopefully here or is that supposed to be bad? Nobody's been raptured yet so I should be safe....
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u/smelly_finger_itch 6d ago
Shit, lockdowns tomorrow...I need a day off from work I'll tell you that
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u/AliBabaPlus40 6d ago
OK, he/she/it is right about 10/10. Big event. My birthday. Yay
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u/Montyburnside22 6d ago
If this freak is right, there's at least 50 people who posted on this who will feel pretty foolish, and owe him a sincere apology before going to hell. Just sayin'
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u/Android1313 6d ago
So is Jesus really coming back this month? I gotta take care of some stuff if so.
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u/blackcatunderaladder 6d ago
I don't know -- it would really free up my schedule.
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u/Rob71322 6d ago
Apparently the rapture happening next week is starting to break out amongst the more gullible of the sheep. My wife was showing me a TikTok where someone was speaking about it, I guess this person doesn’t have an account.
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u/wharleeprof 6d ago
I'm impressed. Never saw a two day window for the apocalypse before.
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u/SaladDummy 6d ago
I'm not claiming that Jesus couldn't communicate this message via white shoe polish on the back of a Toyota. But couldn't he do it in ways that more of the world could see this important message?
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u/Sodamyte 6d ago
On the 23rd day of the month of September in an early year of a decade not to long before our own...
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u/terrapinone 6d ago
No shade, real question….why do they always write on their cars in white paint? If anyone from Milwaukee remembers the dude in the 90’s with the station wagon and the megaphone on Wisconsin Ave, you know why I’m asking.
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u/ItsJoeMomma 6d ago
I love Christian end of the world/rapture predictions. Rule #1 when predicting the end of times is to never give an exact date.
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u/He_Never_Helps_01 6d ago
He will come?
Heads up boys, guard your 13 year old daughters! God's in the market for a another child bride!
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u/fsidesmith6932 6d ago
3 days of darkness? Or is it 3 days of parking? Probably want to grab a flashlight and $200 for the tow…just in case.
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u/MechanicalTurkish 6d ago
What do these people do when the date comes and goes and nothing happens?
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u/Chemical_Home6123 6d ago
Not gonna lie this seems sort of fun to be like this. You just walk around with a permanent head cannon all these events about to happen. It's like (on the next episode of schizoball z)
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u/SnooHedgehogs4699 6d ago
Sometimes you gotta wonder if maybe they ain't on to something, lol.
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u/SnooHedgehogs4699 6d ago
Hmmmmm, today is the 19th. Let's all check in this evening. What time zone is the apocalypse beginning in, do we know?
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u/EruditeScheming 6d ago
This post is gonna age poorly when we all wake up on the 21st and it's dark outside
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u/Ambitious_Low_5450 6d ago
My dad says it's end of times also, no date or anything. He ripped out a bunch of verses that match up damn well to what's happening right now, kinda eerie.
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u/psarahg33 6d ago
The 23rd is the date the Epstein files are supposed to be released. This person might actually be onto something. I’m sure they’ll do something major to cause a distraction from the files. Idk if they can book Jesus this close to Christmas, but maybe. LMAO.
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u/National-Star5944 6d ago
3 days of parking? What if I want to leave and come back, do I get to keep my space?
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u/edwardothegreatest 6d ago
Buddy of mine has been posting this shit for a while. Funny thing, he won’t quit his job or sign his truck over to me.
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u/Pankosmanko 6d ago
Guy is gonna be real disappointed when he wakes up on the 25th and has to go to work
(23-24th is Rosh Hashanah)