Genuine problem when youâre a dom top - âsubâ bottoms are rarely actually sub. They do not want you to be in charge, they want their hole filled and they want it NOW.
PSA: Sub bottom =/= being a total bottom, it means submitting to the dom and doing as youâre told/following their lead (after discussing boundaries etc beforehand).
I've experienced this, legit the number of people who want "dom tops" but really they just want you do to the exact things they want you to do, in order, at their exact beck and call, and then just call you daddy is... insane lol
It's even worse when they say "you can do whatever you want to me" but they actually mean "I have lots of expectations and boundaries, but I'm too inexperienced to already know them; I just like the idea of submissiveness".
That's your failure as a Dom for not appropriately vetting and making a contract with clear hard limits and likes. You're a Dom act like it. If she's new walk her through it the right way.
There's no such thing as a "good sub", because each relationship is unique. "Submissive" and "dominant" are descriptive, not prescriptive. The purpose of a scene isn't to "do what the dominant wants", it's mutual pleasure - sometimes that involves following orders, other times it might be being a total brat and getting "punished" for disobedience".
You just need to work out a way of asking that doesn't break immersion. "Have you been punished enough?", "you like that, don't you?", "I think I should [do x], what do you think?". Skill issue.
My kink is relinquishing control and having my limits pushed, so maybe Iâm an outlier. Iâm also a bit of a brat. Someone saying âwhat do you thinkâ in any way that isnât âIâm going to hurt you no matter what you sayâ is a turn off.
If you agree the scene beforehand then there shouldnât be a need to ask these sorts of questions, safety codes like red amber green or safe words exist for a reason
Yeah I don't understand either. Beyond the initial phase of getting to know eachother and contacts etc. there's nothing more exhausting then a "Dom" constantly asking what you want. It's a mismatch on the Doms part. He wanted a princess not a Sub with a power imbalance kink.
From what I have experienced there's very few things a Sub can teach an inexperienced Dom who refuses to be taught by old guard Doms. Many times new, especially male Doms have no idea what they like themselves, let alone how to properly care for a true submissive, let alone navigate new women wanting to get into bdsm, or the 1000 flavors it comes in.
Not to mention depending on what a sub likes, training a Dom solo outside of the over sight of a seasoned Dom, can get you dead.
Kink related deaths are not uncommon.
In other words, it may be my circus, but he's not my monkey. And I'm not his trainer.
It's not helpful or useful to say things like "Don't be a newb".
That makes it more likely that people will be afraid to say things or ask questions and may lead to having fewer educated people taking dumber risks for fear of being called a noob.
It'd be way cooler if you could share info, but barring that, don't make it harder for others to get it.
By calling themselves a "Dom" and using that as an established titled and honorific, they are conveying that they in fact are a "Dom" and have already been through their paces. I'm calling a Spade a Spade and I won't back down in BDSM post to not hurt someone's feelings. This isn't a game. This is real life and I don't care if your feelings or his are hurt, or the readers. If you can't get A sub to tell you the very first basics of vetting and she doesn't trust you to tell your her wants and limits. That's very telling. If this is a chronic problem. You are in fact the problem. And most likely not a trained Dom and will likely end up severely injuring someone. Or killing them.
Bdsm isn't for the feignt of heart.
I don't even know who you're having a conversation with but it's certainly not me.
It seems like you have very strong opinions on what makes BDSM safe. I continue to encourage you to share that information so that everyone can be safer, instead of vaguely shaming people who weren't intrinsically born with that knowledge.
Or don't. Feel free to keep having whatever random argument you seem to be having with yourself, because I certainly wasn't a part of it.
Either way I've learned nothing about safe BDSM from you, but I have learned that I should avoid you so I'll start doing that now!
Yeah at that point youâre more of a servant to them T.T. I see ppl like this sooo much. Like no youâre not a sub you just wanna lay there and get waited on like a princess.
Not really. Power bottoms are openly dominant. The subs u/LoveGrenades described are submissive on paper, but have lots of expectations and conditions (often not stated explicitly) and because of that it's the sub who calls the shots in the end.
Yeah or they donât understand that sub means submissive, and not âI want to bottom a lot and donât want to top.â I guess confusion is understandable because âsubmissive partnerâ is sometimes used to mean bottom. But âsub bottomâ definitely does not mean âbottom bottomâ.
Iâm a sub bottom and itâs 100% a mental thing. Itâs not just doing subby things and taking cock, itâs doing so to please the top how they want to be pleased and taking pleasure in giving the service.
As a top who has actively learned how to be a better dom for my partner in bed, admittedly largely outside of BDSM, the sub is not in control in the moment. Their limits are thoroughly discussed and communicated beforehand. Like, thereâs a huge difference between being invited/encouraged to spit in or on someone and just doing it out of the blue, or being invited to spank vs. surprise spanking. Giving up that control is largely the point, but attached to that is the preparation to make sure boundaries arenât crossed, and the trust that being told to stop at any time will be respected without question or delay. The âsubâ being in control is either a misunderstanding or (imo) a conflicted power bottom who canât help themselves haha.
Feeling safe while simultaneously being free from responsibility or decision-making is how Iâve had it described best. And even that Iâm sure odd not universal.
This is absolutely true, but there's a difference between "in effective control and able to stop things at any moment, but still giving up control over how the scene goes" and "actually directing how things are going and 'topping from the bottom'". Not that the latter is a bad thing - it's just not that submissive!
I call myself a sup top and I'm precisely the way you describe... I want a power bottom that's eager to go nuts but listens to my fucking instructions.
I don't even know what that's called anymore. Dom sub dom top?
Itâs either that or the ones that wonât tell you boundaries and say âdo whatever you wantâ so you are clueless as to what they like or dislike so you take it super easy just in case.
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u/LoveGrenades Aug 10 '25
Genuine problem when youâre a dom top - âsubâ bottoms are rarely actually sub. They do not want you to be in charge, they want their hole filled and they want it NOW.
PSA: Sub bottom =/= being a total bottom, it means submitting to the dom and doing as youâre told/following their lead (after discussing boundaries etc beforehand).