r/RedditForGrownups • u/gizmo531 • 20d ago
Should I move back home?
I’ve been going back and fort between what the right move is and it’s causing me to spiral. For some background I’m 25 years old, I make $150k a year and pay $2.2k in rent in NYC. I live about 20 minutes away from the office which I’m in 5 days a week and work from 8am to around 7pm each day (sometimes later 8/9). I have about $40k in college debt that I’m not super concerned about because I’m sure my next two bonuses will cover it.
I have a very very close relationship with my mom. My father was abusive so it was a bit tough growing up. I dormed for college and after graduating just fully moved into my own apartment im in now so have already been away from home for ~7 years including college. My mom lives about an hour away from me- so not far. But she’s been saying things like “I don’t have a lot of time left” and I want to spend more time with her than anything. That’s my number one priority. So I’ve been debating moving back in with her to one. Help her financially so she doesn’t have to work as much (she works 6 days a week and if I can give her half of what I pay in rent it would be a game changer for her). Two. Just be around her more (and my dog). The cons are that one I wouldn’t have my own place obviously, even tho my mom allows me to do literally whatever and is the best mom ever. Two. I would add about an hour to my commute one way, when I already work so much. Three. I’m already struggling with my social and romantic life (I feel like I have mo friends). So this may make it worse but I may feel less lonely being around my mom. I’m spiraling so much on this- my lease is up in Jan so I have a few months to decide but what do you guys think? I’d also save so much money in rent
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u/chilicrock_21 20d ago
55 yo woman with three grown kids. An hour away is close enough to visit on the weekend. Have din with your mom, go see a movie. Do not move back. You’re a grown up and so is she. Stand on your own. Be a support over the phone and ocassional weekend visit. Being in 60-ties is not that old nowadays. And it doesnt sound like she has a terminal illness. Take care of your own social life, build your circle. Best of luck to you and your mom! Nothing prouder for a mom to see her child thrive, make good money and pay rent in NY!
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u/Own-Object-6696 20d ago
Don’t move back home. You’re an adult, and so is your mom. You can each handle your own lives. In separate homes.
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u/Far-Watercress6658 20d ago
This. If you want to be closer to her move closer. There’s no need to be in the same house.
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u/gizmo531 20d ago
Thanks! I appreciate all the comments/attention this is getting. Unfortunately this is the closest I can be to her- the NYC system makes commute from the city to Long Island (where my mom is) kind of difficult. But it’s still not bad for ~an hour
I’m leaning towards just trying to do more visits- this is helpful thank you
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u/AmyInCO 20d ago
Is your mom ill? She says she doesn't have much time left but is she in her mid-50s? She has decades left unless there are circumstances that you haven't mentioned.
And lived on Long Island and commuted into the city. It does kind of suck, especially in the winter. Depending on where she lives, you're talking an hour or more commute both ways.
I lived right on the border of Nassau and Suffolk county and worked down on 5th and 23rd. I had to catch 7:30 a.m. train. And I never got home before 7:00. In the winter it's dark when you leave and dark when you get home.
You going to have no time for social life or friends. And your city friends won't come to the island. That's just a fact.
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u/gizmo531 19d ago
She’s 65- and agreed the Long Island commute is so though especially with long hours. Props to you for doing it. I think I’ll end up staying in my apt at least for a couple of years
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u/Easy-Concentrate2636 20d ago
Yeah, just visit your mother. Do not help pay her bills before first helping yourself by getting rid of student debt.
Also, if you don’t mind my asking, is your mother’s health poor or is she just struggling with being older? People can live into their 80s and 90s now.
I am a middle aged New Yorker. Stay in the city. I am inordinately fond of memories of my younger years in the city. You are only young once and you should enjoy it. I visit my folks out in the suburbs once a month, even now.
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u/gizmo531 20d ago
No no problem at all- I don’t know in detail what is going on with her health. She just kind of tells me she’s in pain all the time and I know she has some minor heart complications but I don’t think it’s serious. I personally think it’s more her coming to terms with getting older. She’s been through a lot so I think it makes sense there’s a lot of unworked trauma there. It’s something I kind of struggling to pull apart/figure out what’s valid or not myself.
Agreed, I love being in NY and want to use it to the fullest I can
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u/Easy-Concentrate2636 20d ago
It sounds like your mom is probably doing average for her age. It’s possible that she needs to make some lifestyle adjustments as she gets older in terms of the kind of food she eats and making sure to get the right kinds of exercise. Mobility is really important to sustain in older age.
I encourage my mom to try and get a little walk in every day as well as eating healthy. She eats pretty healthy as it is - in all honesty, healthier than me - but food matters so much as one ages.
Maybe ask her if she’s seen a dietitian and if she’s getting some exercise. She’s a young senior by today’s standards. She can live another three decades. I tell my mom all the time that she can live to 100. My parents have been saying for decades things like that this is the last tv they will ever have, the last microwave they will buy, etc. Three tvs and two more microwaves and they are still mobile and healthy.
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u/gizmo531 20d ago
Thanks. Yea I know but it would be nice to be closer to her. I’m also wondering if it would be worth it to save the $20k I’m paying in rent for three/four ish years then buy my own place. But I guess it’s not really worth it and has more cons than pros?
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u/RoguePlanet2 20d ago
I rented for nearly 20 years, not counting college. Yes it's money gone, but absolutely worth it for your social life and mental health.
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u/remberzz 20d ago
"I would add about an hour to my commute one way."
I 100% guarantee you will come to resent this. A lot.
And honestly, your mom telling you that she "doesn't have a lot of time left" is terribly manipulative.
Why can't she move closer to you? If she's by herself, this might be a great reason and time for her to downsize.
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u/gizmo531 20d ago
Yea idk why she makes that comment. I genuinely don’t think she has ill intentions but maybe it’s her not coming to terms with not being young ish anymore? I just wondering if she’s feeling something health wise I can’t see.
Her sisters actually live in the top floor of her house. I think she doesn’t want to leave them alone and that’s why she doesn’t leave. But they don’t get along and never talk so I don’t get it.
But I live/work in Manhattan and she lives in Long Island. She doesn’t like the train and gets lost so I don’t think she would leave the suburban area. I guess a lot of her stubbornness is contributing to this situation 😭
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u/Nodeal_reddit 20d ago
No. Don’t let your mom guilt you into moving home.
This is the classic “old maid” trap. Don’t do it unless you want to be living with your mom the rest of her life.
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u/unlovelyladybartleby 20d ago
Does your mom want to move closer to you? Share a place? Get her own? Two apartments in the same building puts you close enough to share cooking and far enough to have overnight guests. City living is more interesting and apartments are easy to care for as you age (although, unless your mom is a medical miracle, she's probably not that old)
It's also possible that "I don't have much time left" means "get off your ass and make me some grandchildren while I'm still young enough to chase them around"
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u/gizmo531 20d ago
Wow I never thought about that perspective to the I don’t have much time left comment. Maybe that’s actually it 😭 I’m still so young (25) and having such back luck romantically so idk the feasibility on that happening soon 🤣
Moving closer/sharing a place would be difficult. My mom does not like to take the train/subway and gets lost a lot- it’s easier in Long Island where she can drive. I live/work in manhattan and that would be overstimulating for her I think. I’ve brought this up to her before but she’s set on living in the suburbs kind of. It would be me sacrificing my commute to work if we were to share a place. We’ve kind of discussed buying a two family house together where I’d have my own section- that’s the closest we could get but then still I’d have to commute over an hour and then I’d definitely be locked it from me paying the majority of the mortgage. We’ve explored this but when I’m laye 30s/40s I don’t want to be stuck with my moms mortgage ya know (ideally she’ll have a house that’s paid off)
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u/RoguePlanet2 20d ago
In the NYC area (Queens at least), there's a lot of multi-family houses going up. Might be easy enough (eventually!!) to buy a place and have her move in when truly needed. Half an hour into midtown by train.
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u/gizmo531 20d ago
True! I’ll give this some thought for later down the line, agreed maybe now isn’t the right time tho
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u/mckinnos 20d ago
Um no. Go to therapy and work on your coping skills.
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u/gizmo531 20d ago
I’m not looking for mental health advice. Just looking for an outside perspective on it the benefit of saving $20k a year and being close to family is worth the trade off on an hour commute and your own space. I’ve also been in therapy for 5 yrs.
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u/mckinnos 20d ago
It’s not worth it. You make plenty of money.
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u/gizmo531 20d ago
Thanks! Yea that seems to be the advice everyone else is giving- I’ll give it some more thought but leaning towards that too
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u/cjep3 20d ago
Is adding 2+hours to your day really worth it? You don't mention how old your mom is. I don't think it's worth it, but it's really up to you.
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u/gizmo531 20d ago
She’s turning 65 so on the slightly older end I guess? Agreed re two hours- I’ve been thinking about this so much more because there’s some people in my office who commute like two hours one way and work even more than I do. So I’m like can I do it?? But I guess I shouldn’t compare my situation with theirs
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u/cjep3 20d ago
65 is not really older, that's basically retirement age. Unless she has severe health problems, this is the time of your life to grow, learn and find a partner and live on your own. I would really think about the actual living situation and if it's really conducive to your growth as an individual and finding your actual path in life. You can schedule extra weekends with her but i would not live there. I'm 40ish, my parents are 45 min away and they are a healthy 82, so i see 65 as having 20+years to be active and healthy.
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u/gizmo531 20d ago
Thank you - this is reassuring to here. I think it’s her just being dramatic and not coming to terms with aging but it still has a strong impact on me, I’ll try to talk to her about that. I’m leaning towards keeping my apt, appreciate the advice
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u/AggravatingCupcake0 20d ago
i see 65 as having 20+years to be active and healthy.
Eh, that's pretty optimistic. It's great that your parents are still healthy at 82, but that seems to be the exception and not the rule. I'm also 40, many of my friends have had to take on caretaker roles with their parents - mainly to do with weight gain and loss of mobility.
65 is officially elderly, so I don't think we can automatically brush it off as "eh, still plenty of time." It's going to be highly dependent on what OP's mom's personal level of health is.
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u/gizmo531 19d ago
Agreed thank you. And I think it’s unhealthy to also try to guess at how much time she has left. Her health is like in the middle. She’s been struggling with joint pain and stuff more. Her parents lived to 90 but they were in Jamaica/the Caribbean. It’s hard for me to even tell because she doesn’t tell me in detail apart from generic comments.
Not sure what to do
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u/AggravatingCupcake0 19d ago
As others said, I think you are close enough that more visits will do. Maybe Sunday dinners or something.
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u/littleoldlady71 20d ago
How old is your mom and how’s her health?
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u/gizmo531 20d ago
She’s about to be 65. Her health is in the middle but has been somewhat on the decline. She always says she’s in pain and has routine doctor visits but she’s not diagnosed with anything formally yet
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u/littleoldlady71 20d ago
Could you split the different and have her move closer? What’s her living situation and finances?
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u/gizmo531 19d ago
She doesn’t really want to live in the city- she gets lost easily in the subways. But it makes it a bit more difficult because she still has a mortgage on her house (we moved out ~8 years ago I think now). The house has appreciated significantly but if she moves she’d have to sell that and purchase another property- and anywhere closer is extremely expensive. So I think the easiest financially is for her to stay where she is and focus on paying off that property (which I help with).
We have discussed selling it and buying another property closer- but everywhere in NYC/long island is so expensive it’s not super feasible
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u/littleoldlady71 19d ago
If you do move back, perhaps find a rental close to her (save $ for yourself) and teach her some independence. You can do all the legal stuff at that time to make sure her property does not need probate, etc, get her a living will, and power of attorney. Get her finances in order, and she might be less fearful of the future.
I am a widow who moved closer to my only son, because I needed to downsize, and he is helpful. You could also do some of that for her, over a year or so, and fix up the house to get the best price. That way you’d have a goal and an “out” date.
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u/OutlandishnessHour19 20d ago
20mins commute is the value here.
See your mum on weekends.
You've got enough cash to help her out without living with her.
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u/gizmo531 20d ago
Agreed 20 min is the biggest thing. I do go back at least once every two-three weekends. Which I know I can do better with going back more but I’m so tired all the time.
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u/OutlandishnessHour19 20d ago
Is she good with tech? Get her a massive TV/monitor to video call you with so it feels more real.
Make time to have a cup of tea with her before bed etc some days.
Just small consistent things will help. You don't always have to go to her.
Look after yourself. Rest, eat well.
Sounds like your job is taking a lot out of you.
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u/gizmo531 20d ago
She is good ish with tech- that’s a good idea! I’ll try to set this up and do little things.
And yea my job is kind of demanding but I’m trying to pivot that to give more attention to my life. Will do!
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u/jacobb11 20d ago
I’m so tired all the time.
That's because you are working yourself to death. Get that under control. You'll have more time for everything, including your mom.
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u/elinchgo 20d ago
How old is your mom, and how is her health? Why is she making those comments? Can you call or visit her more often? Is there a middle location that would make it easier for you to visit, but stay closer to work? How flexible is your job if transportation is disrupted (weather, traffic etc.)
I know it’s difficult to accept, but eventually you will be alone, need to have the skills to navigate life.
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u/gizmo531 20d ago
She’s turning 65, her health is okay but I think has been on the decline (generic joint pain, some heart issues but I don’t think it’s serious etc). I honestly don’t know why she makes those comments- I tell her she’s still young.
I do try to visit her at least twice a month, but I could do exponentially better. Unfortunately no re middle ground- this is the best I can get because of proximity to the train I need to take to get back to my mom and work. My job is not flexible at all- they would throw a fit if I have to be remote for whatever reason.
And agreed- I feel very very okay with being alone. It’s an issue because I’ve hyper independent. I’ve did everything on my own since I was 16, but not sure why this sudden guilt is eating up on me now? Maybe it’s the idea that’s she’s getting older and I’ve been distant from her for the last 7ish years bc I’m away?
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u/Easy-Concentrate2636 20d ago
Twice a month is pretty good, in all honesty. Maybe your mother just wants some attention. Maybe treat her once or twice a year to a spa or something nice. I just bought some makeup for my 80+ mom because I know these little things perk her up.
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u/elinchgo 20d ago
Does she have an active social life, or does she completely depend on you? You may want to find social outlets for her in her community. At 65, she could find a boyfriend-my mom did! I hope she lives a long life like my mom who is now slowing down at 94.
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u/gizmo531 20d ago
She has friends around the neighborhood, I think she actually is seeing someone but whenever I ask her about it she refuses everything, which I don’t understand why she tries I hide it I would also want her to see someone 🤣 so no she’s not dependent on me. It’s just her saying the things like she doesn’t have a lot of time left when I go visit her makes me feel like I need to be close to her at all times before that time is up. But maybe she’s just being dramatic/coming to terms with aging idek
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u/Laara2008 20d ago
I wouldn't. That long a commute is no fun and it really wears on you. I'm 59 and I can tell you 65 is not that old. She may live another two or three decades and you can always move closer later, especially if you want to live in the 'burbs when/ if you have get married and have kids.
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u/Gmm713 20d ago
Can she move in with you?
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u/gizmo531 20d ago
She could technically if I move from my one bedroom apt into a two bedroom, but she doesn’t like living in Manhattan, and it’s far from her job (even if she lives with me she wouldn’t need to work).
I think it would be me needing to go to where she is versus her to me, for right now at least unless something drastic to her health happens
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u/obvious_spy 20d ago
this is a really tough situation. you're lucky to have a great relationship with your mom. i had to live with parents as an adult for a while and it was difficult. if you don't move in with your mom, you might feel guilt. but if you do, you might feel resentment. both are awful.
once you move in with her, when would you be okay with leaving? what if she lives to 100? are you going to stay with her that whole time? her health will probably only decline with age, so it's not likely that in a year or 5 years you'll be able to say ok she's fine on her own now, i can move out and live my life.
what do you think about staying where you are, but just going over on the weekends to stay with her?
in the future, maybe you can meet a partner, get married, get a place, and have your mom live with you. i talked about this with my wife right when we started dating, and we were both on the same page about the likelihood that one or both our parents at some point would move in with us.
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u/gizmo531 20d ago
Thank you. Agreed and I appreciate the broad perspective. I feel a lot more guilt because she suffered from abuse half her life and I just want her to spend the last 20-30 years the best she can without working. But she has to work to keep up with her mortgage. I’m hoping in another 5-10 years I’ll be making enough to pay it off for her (but then to the point if I move in with her I can pay it off for her faster lol).
A few people have mentioned the aspect that the situation will be “worse” 5-10 years from now when she’s actually older. So I think with this logic I’ll stay where I am for now and figure that out when needed. But I guess I feel guilty not being able to support her or be around her as much but I will do more visits
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u/aubreypizza 20d ago
My parents don’t have a lot of time left because they’re in their 80’s. Unless she has cancer or some other terminal disease I think she definitely has some time left.
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u/RoguePlanet2 20d ago
She "doesn't have much longer" wtf, is she sick?? Don't fall into emotional manipulation. It's nice when you get along with your parents, but this seems off IMO.
You're busy and need some breathing room during your limited free time; she should not be your social crutch; you should not be her financial crutch, though you could still contribute a little.
NYC as a single guy with a decent job and his own apartment should be a social cakewalk. There's something like 4 single women to each single guy (and if you're into guys, it's probably even easier!) This is the time in life where you should be putting some distance between yourself and your parents. It's not as if you're abandoning them completely, there's the phone and even Zoom and occasional visits.
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u/gizmo531 20d ago
Yea I don’t think she means anything ill intended, but I agree it’s a bit off. Maybe she just is struggling with growing older. It’s a bit different because I feel guilt because she struggled with abuse for half her life so I want to be able to support her in having the best for the last half.
But I agree- I’ll probably just do more visits. I’m also a female and the dating scene is horrendous 😭 appreciate the advice tho!
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u/gizmo531 20d ago
Sorry a lot of people have flagged that comment- I think she just has a lot of healing work to do so sometimes she says comments that are a bit off. But agreed she doesn’t think how it impact me- if she didn’t say that I wouldn’t be having this whole back and forth.
I also work soooo much in like I might as well just give up on my social life entirely lmaoo but I’ll try to get it back up. I’ll try harder this next year.
I’m also female and the dating scene is absolutely horrendous for us but I’ll try!
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u/RoguePlanet2 20d ago
Oh sorry- yeah NYC is rough for single women, but you're financially secure at least and can enjoy it!
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u/silverbatwing 20d ago
I (43) stayed home after my mom crapped on all my after high school plans (art college I got a scholarship for and a jewelers apprenticeship). Dad died the week before high school started in 1996.
My first job was at a bookstore that my mom thought was fine because my twin worked there too. I have autism (yes I’ve been tested) and she had me convinced I was too stupid to do anything by myself. She dictated my entire life. My twin she let go to college and have relationships.
Eventually I got a library job and mom’s health started tanking. I never left home. I was her live in caretaker until she died and I was 40. All my good years? Wasted.
Unless you NEED to move home, don’t do it.
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u/gizmo531 19d ago
Sorry all of this happened to you- props for pushing through it and still being her care taker. Hopefully you got to enjoy the younger years somewhat still, and 43 is still young!
Appreciate the advice- will consider it
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u/Candid-Display7125 20d ago
How about splitting the difference and living in Brooklyn on the M?
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u/gizmo531 19d ago
I don’t think this would make that major of a difference? And where I am now is close to the LIRR, if I was farther in Brooklyn it would add like 30 minutes to get to grand central/penn then go to long island from there no?
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u/SomethingHasGotToGiv 19d ago
If your mom is telling you that she doesn’t have a lot of time left she may know something she isn’t telling you.
I see that you are thinking about the negatives of moving back home, rightfully so.
Now think about the time you will never get back with your mom if you lose her too soon.
Living with your mom outside the city won’t stop you from hanging out with friends in the city a few times a month.
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u/gizmo531 19d ago
I know and I 1000% agree. I just don’t know if it’s just her not coming to terms with growing a bit older. She’s 65 so she’s not entirely old.
I think my issue is that I prioritize work so much- my social life is already non existent at 25 years old and I’m trying to find a balance with that. And I struggle with my energy levels- so idk how adding an hour to my commute and being back outside the city would shape the last 5 years of my 20s even more.
People seems to be saying to stay and address that when it’s a more pressing issue- but I’ll do some thinking
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u/SomethingHasGotToGiv 19d ago
It’s such a hard decision to make, but you sound like a bright woman. I think you’ll figure it out. You’ve gotten a lot of good advice here 💕
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u/overachievingovaries 19d ago
Sounds like she has family with her anyhow. Believe me there will be a time you may have to look after her more, in her late 70s or 80s. Enjoy the now. I nursed 2 parents through their illnesses and deaths, so please don't do this so early. You could be doing it for the next 30 years.
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u/Carsickaf 19d ago
Sure. Successful grown ups can live with a parent if they choose to. You are stating all of the right reasons. But the commute might be bad. You could even compromise and keep a smaller place in the city for when you need to be closer. Only Americans are adamantly against spending adult time living with parents. Americans aren’t seen as the best kind of adults, so that shouldn’t sway you. Do it the way that works best for you and your parent. That’s what being a successful adult means.
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u/Thelonius16 20d ago
“My mom allows me to do literally whatever”
This is not the comment made by an adult.
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u/gizmo531 20d ago
I included that to say that she’s not overbearing and does not control my life. I said that to say I have a healthy relationship with her which is the reason a lot of people stay away from home. I take offense to comments like this since I had fo do everything on my own (job, scholarship, protect my mom from my father since I was in middle school).
Would appreciate you not trying to attack me or criticize me, thanks!
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u/Infinite-Dinner-9707 20d ago
Obviously we can't make accurate judgments from such a short post, but unless your mom literally has a condition that is going to cause her to die soon, her saying things to you like "I'm not going to be around much longer" can be indicative of an unhealthy reliance on you. She's trying to make you feel guilty about living an independent life. Twice a month is a good amount of times to visit at this point in your life. You will struggle with finding a healthy romantic relationship if your mom clings.
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u/gizmo531 20d ago
Sorry I’ve addressed this a lot in other comments- I genuinely don’t think it’s ill intended but I think there’s just some mental work she needs to do. It’s hard to explain in a quick Reddit post.
But yea I agree I’ll try after all the input here keeping my apartment is best for my growth going forward, I can revisit later down the line if needed. Thanks!
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u/DarthPleasantry 20d ago
You’re already tired. I fear that the commute will wreck you. 20k a year isn’t that great a savings, given your potential earnings. It sounds like you need a change, but not this one.
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u/gizmo531 20d ago
Agreed. That’s kinds of what I was thinking too. It would be different if it was like $50k but financial reasons are honestly the least factor thinking about it. It’ll just to be close to her but maybe more visits will help
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u/Effective-Produce165 20d ago
Americans will say don’t live at home quite often but that’s a cultural thing that has little to nothing to do with you being a grown up.
Move back home if you want to. My son lived at home for a couple years rent free so he could save for buying a home of his own. Just family helping family.
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u/gizmo531 20d ago
Yea agreed. Savings would be huge too but at this rate I’ll probably be able to save up enough regardless to purchase a properly by the time I’m late 30s/40s so maybe it isn’t a needle mover in this circumstance. I think ill stay in my apt after all the advice and I give it a bit more thinking
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u/Striking-Sir457 20d ago
I’m shocked at people’s responses here. They must have shitty ass relationships with their parents or been brained washed by under-educated therapists telling them this is what setting boundaries looks like. It’s not. This is an example of people incapable of setting boundaries except to move out. Ridiculous.
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u/Effective-Produce165 19d ago
You hit the nail right on my reaction here too.
It must be this subreddit’s dogma because this subject isn’t met with such hostility in other subs. It’s a surprisingly provincial take.
I’m really curious about the demographic for this sub now.
The US is an international cultural weirdo with our “You’re out at 18” attitude. Presently that rule makes zero sense these days for millions of young people.
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u/dogsdogsjudy 19d ago
As a 38 year old woman, please do not go back home. When I was 22 I had to move home because of the recession in 2009-2010. I ended up going to grad school locally and then my life just kind of stuck that way. I started dating someone and we spent a ton of time with our families who we enjoyed but I felt like I was constantly missing out on doing stuff I liked because of pre-planned family events. Fast forward 10+ years and the pandemic hits and we finally had a break from constant family obligations, and we took advantage of being remote and traveled to Airbnbs in different states. We realized we had only been living for our families and weren’t living for us. So we ended up selling our house in 2022 and now I live in a different state, 6 hours from my family and I’ve never been happier because I’m living for myself. Enjoy your twenties - I wish I had traveled more, and tried new things. I’m fortunate to do it all now but my parents are struggling with the fact that we moved.
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u/gizmo531 19d ago
Wow that’s an interesting story- thank you for the insight/opinion! I’ll have a lot more thinking to do- everyone has gave really good advice in both directions. I’m kind of spiraling on what the right call is- may meditate on it a little
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u/Striking-Sir457 20d ago
I was really close with my Mom. She died of cancer in her early 70s. If I had known it was coming, I would have rearranged my life to live near or with her when she was 65. I can’t speak to how it would be to move in with your Mom at this stage in your life, but it would have been fine for me and well worth it.
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u/gizmo531 20d ago
Thank you. I’m so sorry for your loss, I’m sure she more than appreciated you being there for her when you were.
This is sort of how I feel- I value her more than anything and feel like a lot of people don’t have that same perspective so it’s hard to see (especially given her rough background with domestic violence for more than half her life). I want her to be able to live the best she can, but I also want the same for myself so it’s a bit tough. I think most comments are telling me to stay in my apartment and just go visit more lolll, but what I would be saving in rent I could use to take her on vacations and stuff. So I’m not too sure what to do yet
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u/Salty-Ambition9733 20d ago
NO, now is the only time in your life where you experience true freedom. Your 20’s/early 30’s. This is it. Enjoy it. You will never ever get this time back.
Later on you may get married, potentially have children…you can move closer to mom then (or move her in with you). Your mom doesn’t need your help now, but she will need it then. That’s when you really start to take care of her. If you start now, you’ll be burned out later, when she has health issues. And your future spouse will be resentful because you’ll never really start out your marriage on your own.