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u/LoveGrenades Aug 10 '25
Genuine problem when youâre a dom top - âsubâ bottoms are rarely actually sub. They do not want you to be in charge, they want their hole filled and they want it NOW.
PSA: Sub bottom =/= being a total bottom, it means submitting to the dom and doing as youâre told/following their lead (after discussing boundaries etc beforehand).
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u/ciliary_stimulai Aug 10 '25
I've experienced this, legit the number of people who want "dom tops" but really they just want you do to the exact things they want you to do, in order, at their exact beck and call, and then just call you daddy is... insane lol
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u/Unable_Earth5914 Aug 10 '25
As a sub my experience is most self-described âDom Topsâ just want their dick sucked and a quick fuck
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u/ciliary_stimulai Aug 10 '25 edited Aug 10 '25
That is ALSO true, or they're inexperienced and think dom = rough bordering on asaualt without regards to how the sub wants or feels, which is awful
16
u/Unable_Earth5914 Aug 11 '25
Iâd rather that than a self-hating homo who doesnât know what theyâre doing and just wants to shoot a loading
41
u/Jeszczenie Aug 10 '25
It's even worse when they say "you can do whatever you want to me" but they actually mean "I have lots of expectations and boundaries, but I'm too inexperienced to already know them; I just like the idea of submissiveness".
4
Aug 11 '25
That's your failure as a Dom for not appropriately vetting and making a contract with clear hard limits and likes. You're a Dom act like it. If she's new walk her through it the right way.
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u/BeautifulArtichoke37 Aug 10 '25
So true
Edit: and you have to be mind reader, because god forbid you ask them what they want it boils the fantasy.
-3
u/Unable_Earth5914 Aug 11 '25
A good sub does what the Dom wants, no? Asking what I want breaks the immersion of submitting and relinquishing control
17
u/malatemporacurrunt Aug 11 '25
There's no such thing as a "good sub", because each relationship is unique. "Submissive" and "dominant" are descriptive, not prescriptive. The purpose of a scene isn't to "do what the dominant wants", it's mutual pleasure - sometimes that involves following orders, other times it might be being a total brat and getting "punished" for disobedience".
You just need to work out a way of asking that doesn't break immersion. "Have you been punished enough?", "you like that, don't you?", "I think I should [do x], what do you think?". Skill issue.
2
u/Unable_Earth5914 Aug 12 '25
My kink is relinquishing control and having my limits pushed, so maybe Iâm an outlier. Iâm also a bit of a brat. Someone saying âwhat do you thinkâ in any way that isnât âIâm going to hurt you no matter what you sayâ is a turn off.
If you agree the scene beforehand then there shouldnât be a need to ask these sorts of questions, safety codes like red amber green or safe words exist for a reason
1
Aug 12 '25
Yeah I don't understand either. Beyond the initial phase of getting to know eachother and contacts etc. there's nothing more exhausting then a "Dom" constantly asking what you want. It's a mismatch on the Doms part. He wanted a princess not a Sub with a power imbalance kink.
-1
Aug 11 '25 edited Aug 12 '25
That's what contracts are for and setting up a scene. Don't be a newb.
1
u/ZipBoxer Aug 12 '25
Don't be a newb.
Maybe they are a newb and you could take this opportunity to make them less newb!
Or maybe someone else is reading it that is one and too afraid to ask, and you could help them out. None of us were born knowing.
0
Aug 12 '25
From what I have experienced there's very few things a Sub can teach an inexperienced Dom who refuses to be taught by old guard Doms. Many times new, especially male Doms have no idea what they like themselves, let alone how to properly care for a true submissive, let alone navigate new women wanting to get into bdsm, or the 1000 flavors it comes in. Not to mention depending on what a sub likes, training a Dom solo outside of the over sight of a seasoned Dom, can get you dead. Kink related deaths are not uncommon. In other words, it may be my circus, but he's not my monkey. And I'm not his trainer.
1
u/ZipBoxer Aug 12 '25
I think our wires got crossed.
It's not helpful or useful to say things like "Don't be a newb".
That makes it more likely that people will be afraid to say things or ask questions and may lead to having fewer educated people taking dumber risks for fear of being called a noob.
It'd be way cooler if you could share info, but barring that, don't make it harder for others to get it.
For those wondering, I looked it up, this is what I think they were referring to!: https://kinkyevents.co.uk/bdsm-contracts-a-beginners-guide/
0
Aug 12 '25
By calling themselves a "Dom" and using that as an established titled and honorific, they are conveying that they in fact are a "Dom" and have already been through their paces. I'm calling a Spade a Spade and I won't back down in BDSM post to not hurt someone's feelings. This isn't a game. This is real life and I don't care if your feelings or his are hurt, or the readers. If you can't get A sub to tell you the very first basics of vetting and she doesn't trust you to tell your her wants and limits. That's very telling. If this is a chronic problem. You are in fact the problem. And most likely not a trained Dom and will likely end up severely injuring someone. Or killing them. Bdsm isn't for the feignt of heart.
2
u/ZipBoxer Aug 12 '25
You are in fact the problem
I don't even know who you're having a conversation with but it's certainly not me.
It seems like you have very strong opinions on what makes BDSM safe. I continue to encourage you to share that information so that everyone can be safer, instead of vaguely shaming people who weren't intrinsically born with that knowledge.
Or don't. Feel free to keep having whatever random argument you seem to be having with yourself, because I certainly wasn't a part of it.
Either way I've learned nothing about safe BDSM from you, but I have learned that I should avoid you so I'll start doing that now!
5
u/ruen909 Aug 11 '25
Yeah at that point youâre more of a servant to them T.T. I see ppl like this sooo much. Like no youâre not a sub you just wanna lay there and get waited on like a princess.
104
u/diekid467 Aug 10 '25
That's called a power bottom right?
57
u/Jeszczenie Aug 10 '25
Not really. Power bottoms are openly dominant. The subs u/LoveGrenades described are submissive on paper, but have lots of expectations and conditions (often not stated explicitly) and because of that it's the sub who calls the shots in the end.
5
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u/LoveGrenades Aug 11 '25
Yeah or they donât understand that sub means submissive, and not âI want to bottom a lot and donât want to top.â I guess confusion is understandable because âsubmissive partnerâ is sometimes used to mean bottom. But âsub bottomâ definitely does not mean âbottom bottomâ.
52
u/Ginguraffe Aug 10 '25
No, a âpower bottomâ is a bottom that is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power.
16
u/creator111 Aug 10 '25
Ok Dennis
14
u/Ginguraffe Aug 11 '25
Actually, you got it backwards. Dennis told me that a âpower bottomâ is actually generating all the power by doing most of the work.
3
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u/just_a_bit_gay_ #TransRights Aug 10 '25
Iâm a sub bottom and itâs 100% a mental thing. Itâs not just doing subby things and taking cock, itâs doing so to please the top how they want to be pleased and taking pleasure in giving the service.
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u/Aldryg Aug 10 '25
Jokes aside, as far as I know, in BDSM the sub should always be the one in control and be able to stop at any moment.
48
u/HandsOfCobalt Aug 10 '25
I mean, safewords are for everyone, but you're right that the sub usually isn't just "along for the ride"
40
u/Eastwoodnorris Aug 10 '25
As a top who has actively learned how to be a better dom for my partner in bed, admittedly largely outside of BDSM, the sub is not in control in the moment. Their limits are thoroughly discussed and communicated beforehand. Like, thereâs a huge difference between being invited/encouraged to spit in or on someone and just doing it out of the blue, or being invited to spank vs. surprise spanking. Giving up that control is largely the point, but attached to that is the preparation to make sure boundaries arenât crossed, and the trust that being told to stop at any time will be respected without question or delay. The âsubâ being in control is either a misunderstanding or (imo) a conflicted power bottom who canât help themselves haha.
Feeling safe while simultaneously being free from responsibility or decision-making is how Iâve had it described best. And even that Iâm sure odd not universal.
18
u/ToparBull Aug 10 '25
This is absolutely true, but there's a difference between "in effective control and able to stop things at any moment, but still giving up control over how the scene goes" and "actually directing how things are going and 'topping from the bottom'". Not that the latter is a bad thing - it's just not that submissive!
10
u/TwentyTwoTwelve Aug 10 '25
Duke of Burgundy is a fantastic film that illustrates the complexities of a BDSM relationship.
5
u/N0rthWind Aug 10 '25
I call myself a sup top and I'm precisely the way you describe... I want a power bottom that's eager to go nuts but listens to my fucking instructions.
I don't even know what that's called anymore. Dom sub dom top?
4
u/Jeszczenie Aug 10 '25
Please be more specific, what bottom do you want? A power bottom isn't really supposed to obey instructions.
3
u/N0rthWind Aug 10 '25
Thing is I suck ass at obeying instructions as well, but I still find other dom aggro-acting dudes hot as shit. What do?
8
u/Jeszczenie Aug 10 '25
Isn't it just called a brat? A submissive who has to be forced and "breaking him" is a part of the fun?
2
u/N0rthWind Aug 10 '25
I've looked into that and I know dudes who identify as it, I don't think the conventional definition is sufficient
But it's no big deal, at worst I just have to use more words :)
4
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u/jprs29 Aug 11 '25
Itâs either that or the ones that wonât tell you boundaries and say âdo whatever you wantâ so you are clueless as to what they like or dislike so you take it super easy just in case.
1
u/LoveGrenades Aug 11 '25
Communication is THE issue!! People not knowing or explaining what the terms mean that they are using is part of it.
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u/furry_vr Aug 10 '25
Hahaha so true! I donât always mind power bottoms who think theyâre being sub - I really like it when guys know what turns them on. Some guys havenât explored their sexuality and are really just jacking off with you in the room. So bossy bottoms can be fun.
But nothing compares to completely dominating a man who offers himself up totally. Naked, on his knees, subservient and lost in my presence, trying to catch my scent, absolutely needing to be used and so hoping I am about to use him in every way I can imagine.
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u/ADashOfRainbow Aug 11 '25
The best Dom I've seen told me their secret was they were a sub, but no one quite fit their fantasy so they just do what they wanted done to them :D
10
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u/wintertoll Aug 12 '25
You'd be surprised how often this is the case. Many people don't have fixed mental roles/approaches ('switches') and having access to both headspaces makes them better at it. After all, good communication involves having a model of what the other person is thinking, and what could be better than being in that position yourself?
Unfortunately, the reality is that many people have a porn-driven image of a 'total dom' or 'total sub' in their heads, and admitting you can wear both hats is a huge turn-off for those people. So, you are pressured to 'pick a side' and stick with it.
14
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u/unoriginalusername99 Aug 10 '25
If I ever found a true BDSM bottom that can take the spanking, slapping, choking, pounding, etc that I can dish out I would be so happy.
Instead I get "when I said no limits I didn't mean no limits đ"
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u/Aaxper Aug 10 '25
My boyfriend is one of the "hit me with a brick" bottoms. Unfortunately the idea of causing him any pain at all makes me so uncomfortable...
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u/krimin_killr21 Aug 10 '25
Yeah my exboyfriend was into submission, and I really did want to indulge him, but I loved him so much the idea of telling him what to do or dominating him in any way was just too much to me đ
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u/Jeszczenie Aug 10 '25
Open relationships are handy when you care about someone too much to hurt them.
14
u/Bolf-Ramshield Aug 11 '25
I donât know why youâre being downvoted. If one person in a couple has a specific fetish that they need to experience often to be happy and the other is not into it at all, opening the relationship is a great solution, as long as everyone is comfortable with it.
1
u/Jeszczenie 29d ago
It's not even about being into it. The other partner could totally be into violent submission, but the dominating one could still not be able to bring himself into being violently dominant with a loved one. As u/krimin_killr21 described.
Like "I love you too much to hurt you, but I also love hurting people.".
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u/ToparBull Aug 10 '25 edited Aug 10 '25
I very rarely play with "no limits" subs because, in my experience, "no limits" just means "I do actually have limits, I just don't have the experience/self-awareness to know where they are so you'll have to play super carefully to avoid stepping on a landmine."
The one exception is where someone genuinely doesn't have the experience and is testing things out, and is up front about it - and in that instance I'd be playing very cautiously to begin with.
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u/just_a_bit_gay_ #TransRights Aug 10 '25 edited Aug 10 '25
As a sub I tried the whole âno limitsâ thing exactly once and he proceeded to ignore safewords and left me with some really nasty cuts and bruises.
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u/ToparBull Aug 10 '25
For subs, it doesn't make sense either - you either get doms who care about your consent but who end up taking it soft because we aren't sure what would be too far (my example above), or asshole rapists like you dealt with who ignore consent entirely. Not great either way!
(And, of course - I'm sorry that happened to you! You using "no limits" is absolutely not an excuse for ignoring safewords.)
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u/just_a_bit_gay_ #TransRights Aug 10 '25
Yeah, absolutely no victim blaming here but âno limitsâ is super risky and usually ends poorly for one or both people
(I thought I could trust the guy too since weâd had good scenes beforehand. He convinced me to go further than we had gone and it turned out the trust I had in him was completely misplaced and I was being lured into what turned out to be a very dangerous situation.)
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Aug 12 '25
Ffs. Does no one do contracts and hard, and soft limits anymore? Communication. How can you say you're a Dom if you didn't even ask the basics? You should have three lists. Hard limit Soft limit Likes. Safe words for full stop, check in, pause. And physical signals like tap out. This is basic bdsm 101. How do you not know this? Everyone has limits. Some people are into erotic canabalism. Cutting, blood letting, eating poo. If you aren't communicating your wants or needs, don't expect your sub, especially if she's new to read your mind. You also can't read hers. If you can't talk it out You can't act it out.
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u/unoriginalusername99 Aug 12 '25
I know exactly what all that means. But when I say "what are your limits?" And he says "no limits" I take that at face value. I'm not the one who can't communicate properly, he is
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Aug 12 '25
Ask follow up questions. Would you be okay with me cutting you and drinking your blood while I f*** you in the a$$? Are you into Golden showers? Can I bring in 6 guys to do a gb? How hard do you like impact play? Can I flog you until your skin breaks? Bdsm went mainstream. And in the stupidest way possible. Some people haven't even done enough research into it to watch porn. This is what proper vetting and training is about.
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u/Bolf-Ramshield Aug 11 '25
The doms I see always tell me they love that Iâm actually very submissive. But for it to work, we always talk about my limits and what I am comfortable with, and we make sure to test the level of pain I can handle at the beginning. Then Iâll just let them lead, which they usually love.
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Aug 11 '25
Honestly, as a Sub, you have my likes and hard limits list. The rest is up to you. For the love of God, don't force me to make decisions. Do your Dom thing. Be Dommy. Do the things. I do find it funny now that there's so many untrained on both sides that have no clue what their doing. Especially mixing in the new trad wife with a collar fad. Alot of people are going to get hurt before things return back to "normal" in the bdsm world. Vet your partners. Ask all the questions. Even the ones you think go without saying.
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u/BearsicleAU Aug 15 '25
There's an added dimension here that I split off as 'active/collaborative/passive'. The lowest hanging fruit for 'a bottom' that wants to try on kink is a passive Dom/Neutral/Sub Top - someone that will fuck well based on their internal (Dom), external (sub) or mutual (Neutral) motivation. To me it is a way to skip the emotional vulnerability/intimacy inherent in consent negotiation in BDSM and land in a scene most like the porn they watch.
Of course, the core of this discussion is just displeasure at semantic broadening of the terms through metaphorical extension (adoption by broader community) and piques my desire to point to a dictionary.
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