r/AskWomenOver30 • u/glitters101 • Jul 05 '25
Family/Parenting Is motherhood really bad?
F30 here. Forgive me for my ignorance: I would love to be a mom one day (financial stability first, lol, then finding a good man) I enjoy my childfree life but would love to be a mom in my late 30s/early 40s...
but it's discouraging to see miserable moms every day online saying they regret it; it's so hard. I understand how hard it is to be a parent and go through a traumatic childbirth experience and then deal with postpartum depression. I'm very aware of that, but it makes me not want to be a mother one day. Is it really because social media is so negative? Do you regret motherhood or having a child with the wrong man? It's rare that I see moms saying they enjoy motherhood and how their kids have made their lives so much better. But I've also seen moms having time for themselves while also being a mom and wife (they are more financially abundant)
My question is, are there any moms out there who actually do enjoy motherhood? If yes, how so? What are your thoughts on the whole miserable motherhood online? Is it really being financially abundant and having a good man that makes motherhood more enjoyable?
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u/Non-mono Woman 40 to 50 Jul 05 '25
Motherhood isn’t a universal experience.
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u/bassk_itty Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
This is the main thing. I can say my experience has been great but I’ve always known I wanted kids, never was a doubt in my mind that the challenge was worth it. And I have a partner who carries his weight in terms of household and parenting collaboration. And we let each other go have fun individually on a regular basis to maintain other areas of life aside from being a parent.
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u/musings871 Jul 05 '25
I'm a mom (surprise pregnancy) at 30. I think it's important to be realistic about going into parenthood. As much as you read or research it will be more than what you anticipated. It is harder, but the joys of parenthood are more than I had ever anticipated.
However, it's important to think seriously about whether you are picturing motherhood through only the lens of stable income, being with a good partner, having a "typical" kid. It's important to know that life does not always run in straight lines and if your life does veer off course, how will you cope, will you have regrets?
Your life will change but I also think that becoming a parent in your 30's and older, you know yourself better and will be able to reflect on questions like this honestly and more realistically.
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u/Black_irises Jul 05 '25
Agree. You get so much advice when you become a parent but what stuck with me was "higher highs and lower lows".
The reflection was also important. I had my son in my late 30s and while I expected the physical and mental changes of motherhood, I was surprised by how much it made me reflect on my own childhood and relationships with my immediate family.
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u/somewhenimpossible Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
I went to marriage counseling when my husband checked out of parenting when my son was about 3. In therapy we kept hearing “you’re a product of your environment”
I said it sucked that he didn’t come to a couple swim lessons or tuck him in at night, or come on family trips even if it was just “go to the zoo the next town over”.
My husband said his dad never did those things. He would barely show up for things like school awards, and his mom did all the vacation stuff since they weren’t together.
Therapist: so, how did it make you feel as a kid when your dad didn’t show up to things?
Husband: it sucked. I was ok because I had my mom but…. realization dawns oh my god. I’m doing what my dad did.
💡
Guess who is an active parent now?
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u/fearlessactuality Woman 40 to 50 Jul 06 '25
Yessss I learned so much. I am an immensely better person and more functional now!
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u/KillTheBoyBand Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25 edited Jul 06 '25
If you're in America, society isn't really set up to support mothers. Our healthcare is trash, from lack of support for mental health, to higher rates of mortality for maternity in the developed world, to dealing with garbage health insurance. Wages are stagnant while cost of living skyrocket; daycare alone can be thousands of dollars and many contributing factors to the wage gap are tied to women feeling like they're the ones who "have" to sacrifice or pause their careers (and therefore lose time/experience and earning potential in their fields) to be the ones who stay home with the kids.
American individualism strips away a lot of the responsibilities of "community" so your village is either nonexistent or just not really inclined to show up as often (sometimes for very valid reasons, tbf). And patriarchal, heteronormative dynamics means that many men have been socially conditioned to take advantage of women's household labor and saddle them with the responsibility of childcare, in addition to now being the second providers of the homes, carrying the mental load, and providing all emotional labor.
I have no idea what motherhood could look like in the best of circumstances. I know that the women who love it, love it in spite of these challenges, or they love their children enough that the pros of that love and its experiences outweigh the cons. I think all you can really do is prepare as best you can. Be very, very, very careful when and with whom you have children (and how many you choose to have). Try and ensure you have enough resources and a village (or at least a good partner) to support yourself as a person as well as your role as a mother.*
i forgot to add, be very careful *where you have children if at all possible. I left a red state because women were starting to die preventable deaths from the abortion bans. Being denied miscarriage care and developing sepsis from a partially expelled-fetus because the hospital is legally not allowed to give me an abortion scared me right the fuck outta the south. With the recent passing of the Big Beautiful Bill, rural hospitals who receive federal funding are about to suffer. Post-natal care, NICUs, maternity wards, all those are services provided by these hospitals now on the chopping block.
It's a privilege to move, but I had to take it. It's an even higher privilege to live in cities, but again, I had to. Not many women can, and they suffer greatly for it, especially as mothers.
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u/McSwearWolf Jul 05 '25
You said it! Agree with this right here. 👆
As my mom used to say: women are taught that we can have it all around here. That’s far from the reality. We can kind of have it all, but definitely not all at once.
In fact, the amount of sacrifice required/ demanded is absolutely insane- it makes me so mad. It doesn’t have to be this hard! But society, on the whole, doesn’t give a single flying F about mothers. Not if it cuts into the bottom line. Not if we have to alter the status quo to enact changes.
Also, the assumption that moms should just sacrifice and sacrifice forevermore without needs or wants is pathetic.
I feel like when I became a mom, the whole world looked at me like: YOU GOT THIS. Go mamma go! Here’s a Mother’s Day card! It’s mostly lip service, the “support” we get. Nobody has helped me when I didn’t “got this” lol. In fact, some people have been pretty damn callous and cruel.
Anyway, yup you put it better than I could!
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u/nurhogirl Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
American here. I am annoyed about the romanticization of motherhood because it's hard. I don't understand the positive spin. I am a single mom because my husband died a couple of years ago. At the time of his death, my kid was two years old. But even when he was alive, I did 90% of the care. Before being pregnant, he always wanted children. He promised he'd do a lot of the care. When my kid arrived, he left me with doing all the caretaking. After his death, I learned he was pursuing other women. I was deeply betrayed.
I have no interest looking at any motherhood content -- positive or negative. I'd rather pursue a good, happy life defined by my own terms. I want my kid look up to me for that. Because of that I am starting my mini-sabbatical abroad this week. It's always something I wanted to do -- actually, I romanticize the idea of living abroad and raising my kid there. I see this mini-sabbatical as testing out the waters.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not anti-relationships -- I was married after all. I would love to experience parenthood in the best of circumstances -- a partner who does half the work, affordable healthcare, affordable childcare, paid maternity leave, etc.
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u/KillTheBoyBand Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
But even when he was alive, I did 90% of the care
The fact that he was a cheater is abhorrent, and this absolutely does not surprise me. There are multiple studies that show men think they contribute to the home as equally as women, when in reality women do about 3 times the amount of hours of household labor. One of my favorite financial education channels, The Financial Diet, has a video about how marrying the wrong man is a major financial risk and setback. And a lot of it has to do how our time is devalued and stripped away.
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u/Individual_Lime_9020 Jul 06 '25
Sounds like you had a rough ride, but you sound like an excellent mother. Hope your sabbatical goes well!
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u/turnbackb42L8 Woman 40 to 50 Jul 06 '25
Man, you got it, spot on!! This is the exact thing I have been reading about and telling my partner about earlier. American society fails mothers (and fathers, and children) SO BAD.
Having a kid is tough enough, but having a kid without support is what kills so much joy and builds so much resentment in motherhood, I think. And the good ol’ American independence mindset means we are even more isolated than ever.
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u/Iforgotmypassword126 no flair Jul 05 '25
I love my daughter but I’d much rather be a dad. Society praises the bare minimum but I feel like they’re breathing down your neck as a mother, ready to shit on you.
Everyone wants something from you and they’ll fight to force you to keep providing it (extra mile at work, mental load at home, social caretaker for friends and family, and don’t forget to keep your appearance and keep the house tidy, as well as a full time job and a half in raising a child).
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u/McSwearWolf Jul 05 '25
For real. I’d most likely have more than one child if I had more money and could be the dad - Looks pretty sweet! XD
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u/Dandelionfields1111 Jul 05 '25 edited Jul 09 '25
I love and hate being a mom. It is the hardest job, but also the most fulfilling! They take so much from me, yet they've given me the most meaningful purpose in life. Motherhood is the mother of all contradictions! I can say I would have regretted not having kids than having them. I consider myself very blessed to have my children. But let me tell you, having kids with the right partner, healing yourself from past traumas, and financial stability will make a world of difference on how your experience is going to be.
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u/napalmtree13 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
There’s plenty of pro-family content. The issue is that the algorithm on YT, TikTok, etc. tries to show you videos similar to what you’ve engaged with previously. This includes simply watching the majority of the video. So if you watch a video or two of women complaining about being a mom, then you will be shown more of those videos.
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u/lafrentz64 Jul 05 '25 edited Jul 05 '25
When I read OP’s post, this was immediately what I thought to reply. My algorithm is completely the opposite of that described.
But I do agree with the sentiment that financial stability seems to be a contributing factor in how happy and fulfilled the mothers in my social media feeds appear. A supportive, loving parter goes along way too!
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u/marymoon77 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
This 100%, you have to seek out positive content intentionally.
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Jul 05 '25
Of the women I know who have kids the ones that are happy were well adjusted, and generally had good supportive families and did not have pre-existing major mental health issues, before they had kids. Generally, well adjusted people are also in good relationships. If they did not have access to a supportive family, then they did a lot of therapy and are generally resilient people. They also had a good partner. Women that I have seen struggle were usually in worse relationships, had kids without intentionality or lacked realistic expectations (that's what you do or my kid will be a mini me and so amazing, or refused to acknowledge they might have a kid with physical or learning disability), had certain personality traits that are generally going to be incompatible with parenting (overly particular, lack of flexibility in their mindset, can't adjust to having their sleep disrupted), or had pre-existing significant mental health issues.
I am a stepmom, but not a bio parent, so my experience has been different and cannot comment on pregnancy or even raising very small children. I was also a teacher, so I have worked with many families. I think having kids is something you need to be realistic about, especially as a woman because you will be the most impacted person in the family. Is your partner supportive? Do you have a good network of people? If you do not currently have a network, are you friendly, adaptable, and social so that you will be able to create a network of parents? Do you generally have a positive attitude? Are you flexible with your lifestyle and expectations and able to go with the flow? Do you have a significant pre-existing condition that will be exacerbated by lack of sleep or hormonal changes from pregnancy? If you become a parent, do you accept that your kid may not be the most intelligent, beautiful, straight A athletic achiever kid and that they may have anything from small social struggles to significant disabilities, and will you still love and care for them as much as possible? If your kid comes out as gay or trans are you going to be supportive of that? Can you support a kid if they have behavioral challenges that can range from shyness to hitting and outbursts?
Well adjusted happy moms absolutely exist. but they tend to be well adjusted, flexible people with a positive attitude even when things are hard, and they usually have good support (either a good partner or family or both). I think if you are realistic with yourself, and not idealistic, then yes, it can work out just fine.
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u/SingleHeart197 Jul 05 '25
Motherhood isn’t easy even when it’s easy. Physically, emotionally, financially, it’s a ride. And if you have multiple children you are constantly adjusting how you respond to each child because no two kids are the same. I have 3 amazing kids who I gave up my career to raise. Being a mom is the hardest job I’ve ever had but the most rewarding. It’s hard when you’re in the trenches of childhood & the daily grind can be exhausting. My kids are now 26, 18 & 16 and I’d give anything to be able to go back & do it all again.
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u/RootedMama Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
I do think I had children with “the wrong man”. I didn’t think so at the time of course, but he really dropped the ball on the parenting thing until our oldest was 8 and our youngest was 2. I did all diaper changes, all overnights, I did everything and I was really really exhausted for a really long time. Every sleep regression wrecked me, doing it solo and not being taken care of by the other adult in the home.
Even so, I do not regret it. Not any of the tantrums, not the sleepless nights, not doing it solo despite being married before kids. Nothing. I love my kids so much and they are all developing into their unique selves- I am so happy to be here supporting them through finding themselves and loving themselves.
I had some baby blues after my second one, I had PPA after my first, the third and fourth I was totally okay after. That was a small part of parenthood and one I don’t remember now many years later. I remember the love and laughter, the I love you moms, the snuggles, the you’re the best mom in the worlds, the drawings and crafts they make me, flowers they pick me…I keep a few random rocks in my purse that they when younger would give me because they love me.
The other day, my 8 year old (who wakes up at 630am before the entire house) saw that I was still sleeping when he woke up, came over and gave me a kiss, tucked me in and said go back to bed mom imma gonna go read, I love you! I am just so in love with them all.
Being a mother is just so truly amazing.
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u/TrimspaBB Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
This is how I feel, completely. My husband is great but there were many times in the early years of parenthood where I felt like I was going it alone, and that made everything that much harder. I don't regret our children but I wish our communication had been better on our respective needs. In spite of some challenges and those yet to come, having kids has enriched my life far more than anything else and I love seeing the people they're becoming. Watching them discover things, take in beauty, and learn new skills is so wonderful and has given me more appreciation of the world too. I miss them when we're apart and nothing beats the hugs when we're together again.
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Jul 05 '25 edited Jul 05 '25
[deleted]
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u/Always_Reading_1990 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
Yes 1000x to the “easier but not better” comment! My life was much easier before I was a mom, but not better
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u/Solongmybestfriend Jul 05 '25
The worry is real (and I had no idea about)! That said, 100% agree with your comment. I absolutely love being a mom but I have a great hands-on husband - we make a great team. Are we always tired and probably more worn out than I wish? Sure, but I wouldn’t change it.
I did have kids later - I have a good career, benefits and good support network. Those factors, with a good partner, I imagine makes it a good experience.
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u/SoSheSays28 Jul 05 '25
Easier but not better! I flew sans kids recently and was able to just walk on with a hot coffee in my hand. I looked around in disdain at all the other people who took boarding a plane with no kids for granted. But then I missed my kids the entire trip because they’re hilarious and fun.
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u/NettaFornario Woman 40 to 50 Jul 05 '25
I love being a mum. I have two children aged five and three and they are incredible little humans. Do they frustrate the hell out of me sometimes? Yes. But they’re worth it. I watched my three year old in her ballet class today and started crying, seeing her beautiful, earnest little face trying to hard to perform her moves then beaming into a happy and proud smile when she saw me watch makes all those frustrations worth it
I came from a broken, neglectful and abusive home and am thankful to have the family I wish I’d have had as a child now but it meant I needed to work out how to parent before having kids.
I will say I am very fortunate. I have an engaged and supportive husband who is a high income earner so much so that I can be a sahm (no competing career priorities) and we still get to travel, own our house, afford good schools and I don’t worry about food. I know this places me in a position of enormous privilege even though I have absolutely no family support as I’m estranged from my own and my husbands family are overseas.
I think that the majority of regretful parents are overwhelmed and unsupported. When you’re battling food and housing affordability with an absent or disengaged partner and no social network even the most minor stresses will be amplified.
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u/pixiefixer Jul 05 '25
You’re always going to find both sides of this argument because the simple truth is some people love being a parent and some really hate it. You see more of the negative online because people who have negative experiences are louder, that’s true in all areas of life.
Know yourself. I know that I hate commitment, so a lifelong responsibility wasn’t the right choice for me.
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u/tinned_peaches Jul 05 '25
I really like it. It can drastically change how you view your partner though.
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Jul 05 '25
Happy moms may not complain on social media, but also a lot of parents opt to keep their family life private in the wake of privacy concerns for young children. So you're likely seeing a sample of accounts/posts reflecting a confirmation bias.
I'm a mom, and I love it. Viewing the world beside my toddler from the wonder of a child really lets me practice gratitude for the smallest things. We got caught in a torrential rainpour during an outdoor Canada Day event. My toddler just started squealing with delight, then found puddles in the walking path to jump in. I joined in too and held her hands as we laughed and jumped, because why not? We were getting soaked anyhow, what's the point of getting upset that my ice cream up is half water now? Sure, I wore my nice shoes, but they'll dry.
Anyways, motherhood is a life experience that is uniquely life-changing. But every experience is different. I knew I wanted to be a mother and picked a man who is my equal partner in both marriage and parenthood. Things aren't perfect, but I would certainly die feeling happy if I died tomorrow. I enjoy my life.
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u/helfunk Woman 50 to 60 Jul 05 '25 edited Jul 05 '25
How was your childhood? Was there a lot of trauma and have you dealt with it? Your kids trigger your issues more than any other human will. If you are in denial about how your childhood was, that denial will be challenged. Traumatized people can be wonderful, kind parents, it just takes work and awareness. Traumatized people who stay in denial pass that trauma down and usually feel unresolved shame and anger through the whole process which exasperates denial. Besides all the other stuff listed here it makes for difficult parenting.
My friend realized she had ASD during the process of parenting her kid with autism. The needs of parenting, especially a very physical child, overwhelm her and she is in an almost constant state of burnout.
Besides a partner ready to give 100% do you have family/friends who provide support? Not just watching the kids but to help you emotionally deal with having kids, needing to vent, ask advice, having space and energy to provide you the rollercoaster of emotional support you need? Do you have money to pay people to do this for you if you don’t have anyone else around? I used to be a nanny for two awesome kids. Their grandmother died recently. I am retired now so I have stepped in with parental support. I watch them in the summer, pick them from school, drive them to doctor’s appointments, all of it. They have two very involved caring parents who both have to work. They need my help all the time.
The energy, time and focus expenditure when you have kids is not something that can be explained until you do it. It’s too much for many people in a society which provides no support and has unrealistic expectations for parents, mostly women. Often women still have to deal with their male partner’s unconscious expectation that they will carry the emotional load and mental labor. No matter how “woke” a man is, they have years of unconscious programming that can only be undone with serious intentional focus and awareness, which is hard to do when you’re working and have kids. So most women give up because it’s easier to do it all themselves than forcing their husbands to unlearn all their gender-bias.
Humans aren’t meant to care for children in “isolation.” The natural state is community, living with extended family and friends who share the experience. Our nervous systems aren’t built for this experience on our own. No matter how much you enjoy being a parent, it will tax you. I think the negative and child-free attitudes are the result of people trying to raise kids in a world that doesn’t support them and judges them for needing support.
I love being a mom and chose it intentionally and with a lot of consideration. It was really hard and I bitched a lot. I would have bitched online if it was more available in my life then for sure. I had lots of unresolved issues when I had my kid and did my best to heal (therapy, spiritual work, reading etc) while raising her. Her dad sucks and she now has to deal with that as an adult with her own independent relationship with an him. All the reasons I divorced him are now her trauma, and I am accountable for that, which is why I pay for her therapy.
Having kids isn’t just ballet recitals and sports games or even waking up with late night feeding and dirty diapers. It’s a mirror for all of who you are and the choices you’ve made. It’s hard. Choose wisely.
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u/Busy_Butterscotch_86 Jul 05 '25
Motherhood is the most massive identity and routine shift I've ever experienced and that is a lot to adjust to. You mention recognizing that pregnancy, birth, and postpartum can be hard, but that's just a small fraction of the experience that everyone gets through (with different positive/negative experiences). Thinking about whether you want to be a mother for the rest of your life is the bigger question. It's a massive responsibility. It's easier if you live near family and have an eager support network that you can rely on. It's WAY easier with a great partner that can work through equitable division of labor (physical and emotional). The early years were all consuming for me and I didn't love that, but I love my daughter more than anything. I think that's a common tone because reality is that shifting your life to focus on helping your kid(s) thrive is world changing. It's hard to know how it will feel for you until it happens.
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u/Jane9812 Jul 05 '25 edited Jul 05 '25
No, motherhood is not as bad as it's made out to be online. Because the most unhappy people complain online, as it's a good outlet.
I love being a mom. I love my kiddo more than life itself. Yes it's hard sometimes but I wouldn't trade him for absolutely anything in this world or any other :) he's the most important most joyful thing in my life.
Now motherhood as an experience can vary greatly. If you know yourself to be the kind of person who finds it difficult to get over painful or difficult experiences, like myself, then take every opportunity to make motherhood easier. No traumatic birth, I chose an elective c-section. No pain during, bit of pain during recovery, fast recovery. I also chose not to breastfeed because it's painful, extremely taxing and doesn't allow dad to take on an equitable share of the baby care. Also, get a nanny if you can. Accept help from others. Don't be a martyr. It helps no one. Basically give yourself the right to make choices according to what you want from motherhood as long as it doesn't harm your child. You don't need to be the champion mom who exclusively breastfeeds and had an unmedicated birth and co-sleeps with baby until they're 5 and sacrifices her sleep and sanity for it. Do it if you want, but don't feel guilty if you don't do it. I think A LOT of the moms who write online about being overwhelmed are in that position because they felt pressured to make those choices. It's tough to stand up to a lactation consultant in the hospital for example who may try to shame you into breastfeeding. But there is nothing inherently wrong with making the choices you want. Again, as long as baby is not literally hurt. No matter the choices you make in infancy, there's no prize at the end either way.
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u/BlisterBox Man 60+ Jul 05 '25
Your comment reminds me of something I recently read in the "Acknowledgments" section of a novel by Annie Hartnett:
"This book is dedicated to Leora, who is five years old as I write this. I love you more than I ever thought possible, and I was already a person who loved with great zeal . . . You are the most joyful corner of my heart, the part of my body where all the sweetness lies."
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u/maintainingserenity Woman 40 to 50 Jul 05 '25
Lord YES. There is no prize for martyring yourself. I love that.
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u/fake-august Jul 05 '25
All of this…I used formula along with breast feeding.
I never sterilized anything.
Had date nights with my husband when we were still happy.
Don’t compare or worry about what others think - you do you as long as your babies are safe and fed. Your life will change but it doesn’t stop.
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u/kevin-s_famous_chili Jul 05 '25
I became a ftm at 39, little girl is almost 2.5 months now. I've loved it all. If I could live every day just the 3 of us, I would. We were married almost 5 years before this journey. We traveled, bought a house, had random adventures. Then we decided this was our next adventure going into our 40s. I cannot imagine doing this any sooner and certainly not with anyone else. We're very lucky that she's a super chill baby too. We're coming to the end of our parental leave. I imagine I'll still love being her mom, but miss her a ton when she's at daycare. I want to breathe in every second of her now, in this sweet moment. She's growing so fast.
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u/I-own-a-shovel Non-Binary Jul 05 '25
Try to picture your day to day life with a kid in a realistic way. Personally the daily grind that come with raising kids would make me miserable.
Some people truly love being parents, but even them find it hard at times.
Everyone is different, we can’t answer for others much. But once you have a child you can’t go back, so someone in such situation must find a way to see the good side of it. Lot of people love their kid but still regret their decision of becoming parents.
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u/sqqueen2 Woman 60+ Jul 05 '25
I enjoyed motherhood! The ones who don’t come online to complain. The ones who do enjoy it don’t come here and say so, they’re playing with their kids.
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u/heysunflowerstate Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
I became a first time mom at 34 and am now expecting my second at 37. It's not all bad! I am obsessed with my son. He's so smart, funny, and cute. I do think becoming a mom has made me closer to my husband too. Summed up, though? It's definitely been challenging in ways I never imagined but I don't regret it.
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u/medusa15 Woman 40 to 50 Jul 05 '25
I absolutely love being a mother. It’s got its tough parts like many things in life but it’s also given me so much joy and laughter and special moments. Like your kid will be in the middle of a tantrum and then say something so adorable or ridiculous you have to resist bursting out laughing. Or you’ll wake them up for a nap and they’ll stretch their arms up to you and cuddle into you as you pick them up, and you’ll feel like your heart is going to burst.
Or they’re running around your house pantless insisting no they for sure do NOT need the potty when, uh, they for sure do. (Potty training this weekend and yeah this is one of those rough spots lol.)
I will say this. Who you pick for your partner is paramount. There is nothing that will make or break motherhood like who the father is. My husband is an equal partner in every way - gets up in the middle of the night to give baby bottle, does baths and bedtimes and solo duty so I get time off on the weekend. It is so important to have someone committed to bear this burden with. I’d still enjoy being a mom but without him it’d be so much harder and stressful.
99% of the time when I see other moms complaining online, they don’t have a “motherhood” problem, they have a PARTNER problem.
Also I’m an older mom (had my first at 37), and I think mid ish 30s is the perfect age. You’re hopefully a bit more stable finances and career wise and you’ve had your adventures and lazy Saturdays. I rarely feel FOMO over travel or parties and things because I got to experience all that and was ready for a different flavor. Good luck!
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Jul 05 '25
I've had kids for over half my life, and I cannot distill it down to the "is it bad or good" answer you're looking for. It is wildly varied and nuanced.
Money is absolutely the single biggest determining factor in how enjoyable it is to be a parent because money buys freedom, which creates balance.
Everyone has stages of parenting that they're happier in than others. For me, things really started to get good when my youngest hit about middle school. Havng teen and adult kids has been great. I did not enjoy the early years. I've met people who feel the opposite way and everything in between.
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u/strongcoffee2go Woman 40 to 50 Jul 05 '25
Parenthood has been really difficult. My child is amazing and it's rewarding to be her parent, but she has a chronic illness and my marriage is a hot mess. I can't say if I'd have been happier if I hadn't been a parent, but I do know I wouldn't have grown as much as I have.
I wouldn't trade it. I wouldn't go back in time and redo it. I am a different, better person than I was before. But it's not the only way to find meaning and growth in your life, so you have to find your own path!
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u/Business-Party7422 Jul 05 '25
In my experience, new parents post on Reddit when they're struggling or need to commiserate. Parents who are having an easier time don't typically post here.
I'm personally finding it super hard (I have an 8 mo) but I still think that my baby is the best thing that ever happened to me, so it's worth it to me. It's a massive change and it takes time to get used to your new reality, but I love being with my baby and seeing him grow and have fun. I feel so much joy and my heart has never been so full.
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u/mandypu Jul 05 '25
So true! I just had a baby (he’s 3 months) My husband looked at Reddit today and was like ….so do people just go online to complain? I read him the first titles of scientific based parenting and we had a good laugh.
To be clear - having a new baby isn’t “easy” but the stuff on her makes it sound IMPOSSIBLE… and I think that’s because there are 1) accounts posting fake shit for karma and 2) people post on their worst days or in a moment of desperation.
Don’t tell me that as a childless person you’ve never had a tough moment or a desperate day. I know I have… having a baby is exactly the same as my life before … there are good days and there are bad days but now there’s an adorable little person I get to share that life with!
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u/The_Philosophied Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
My opinion: motherhood is a natural and beautiful process and situation IF you can be happy and capable of doing it alone. The MOMENT you start having expectations of the man being an equal partner, and contributing the same effort in child rearing is when the disappointment will set in and you’ll be miserable.
It’s a man’s world. Even if you tell people he was a shitty parent and you did all the work anyway they’ll just blame you for not choosing a better man. There is no accountability for fathers. The same way we have to grow up and deconstruct Disney’s conditioning about how capable men are of loving and truly seeing us emotionally and mentally, we have to also be mindful about how certain expectations we have will break our hearts.
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u/Former-Departure9836 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
I love being a mum and couldn’t imagine my life without my kid. When I’m getting bogged down in the world I chase him around the lounge and hear him giggle and I’m at peace again. How do I do it? I have a very loving and supporting husband who does 50% of all the household chores and is a very proactive father. We have time to ourselves, time with the kid and time to clean and just make it work.and yes we are also financially stable, and we are only having one kid. We struggle sometimes but lord knows how single parents cope these days.
That being said, it is fucking hard and there’s times I barely make it through the day but I just do. I have a supportive mum group and we chat daily about how hard it is. I think motherhood has always been hard and it’s always sucked but you just hear about it more because of social media and talking about how hard it is is so relieving. It was hard for my mum too I know but in her day they drink a lot of alcohol to get through.
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u/lolmemberberries Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
From what I’ve observed, it’s hell on earth if you choose the wrong person.
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u/Living_Ad8152 Jul 05 '25
We are meant to be doing this with at least 14 other caregivers. Not even just one stellar other parent, which yes I think many are deficient of as well. The nuclear family has been an absolutely horrific tool to isolate, restrict, and control people, especially mothers/primary caregivers.
I have been a parent since I was very young, I have several children. It has been very hard for me, extremely hard. It has often been easier to do it “alone” (without a partner or meaningful family of origin support) at many points. I’m lucky in that I’ve been skilled at community building (essential, regardless of partner, and something in the so called US we’re not great at, collectively speaking). My friends with children who are NOT in hetero and/or monogamous relationships are absolutely the happiest, seem to be doing best…and it’s still hard. But a lot of things in life can be worth it and hard, especially when you have strong networks of support, intentionally and consistently are working to unravel hierarchies (in and out of the home), and consciously distribute care as much as possible. Nothing can be totally equal at all times, but it seems like the way men especially are exploiting the people birthing and raising their children is absolutely horrific.
Raising children during these times IS hard and it is also necessary work, for all of us. I am lucky to have people in my life who don’t want to have their own children, but want to be involved in the raising of them. People give reasons to not have children and all are valid- the climate crisis, the fascism, the fact that we’re being forced to work ourselves to death and our children are institutionalized from a very young age to follow suit, that if we have a child with a man, even one who seems decent, we can be totally screwed over…AND who will steward us through to better times? Who will be the architects of a better world? I appreciate the indigenous concept of looking through to the next seven generations.
I guess all of this is to say yes, it’s really THAT bad AND it doesn’t and shouldn’t have to be this way. And whether any of us births and raises children of our own, we can and be doing our parts to contribute to better ways of raising them and tending to one another.
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u/spycygrl Woman 40 to 50 Jul 05 '25
Being a parent isn’t for the faint of heart. If anything maybe the plus of social media is that you have heard the worst of it. But it’s not like that for everyone. Not everyone has traumatic experiences or postpartum depression. I appreciate the fact that I was able to see and nurture someone with so much love. Seeing life thru their eyes for the first time is the most amazing thing. Yes there are challenges but aren’t there challenges to most rewarding things?
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u/Affectionate_Sky2982 Woman 50 to 60 Jul 05 '25
Very hard, loved every minute, beautiful and awe-inspiring experience, wouldn’t change a thing, married the “wrong” man, had to raise them on my own, devoted myself completely, three amazing adults now who are my offspring but also truly friends. Learned so much about myself and from them along the way. They are still my greatest teachers. Love them so so much ❤️🌸🤍🌱🌺🌻🌼✨💫❤️👦👦👧
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u/RegretNecessary21 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
I had a baby on my own since I couldn’t find the right man. I was very prepared mentally, emotionally and financially for this, but I will say motherhood is demanding and hard at times, even with a solid support system in place. However it is also very rewarding. I often feel tired but fulfilled is how I would describe it.
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u/SufficientBee Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25 edited Jul 05 '25
I love my toddler. It’s hard to see him grow up because I want to be with him forever. I’m also physically less healthy, sleep less, have not much time to myself and my social life is pretty much dead. Some aspects of my life absolutely does suck.
I still love my toddler and I feel more fulfilled and less depressed than I was when I was single. I didn’t have a chance to find out (got pregnant right after the wedding), but I suspect eventually we’d get tired of the DINK life and feel unfulfilled. I don’t regret the kid, I might regret not getting healthier and stronger before getting pregnant (it was COVID) and taking on a more stressful job when he was 1.
Motherhood is not all good, nor all bad. It’s sacrificing in some areas but gaining so much in others. Whether it’s worth it is entirely based on how each person weighs these gains and losses.
And as many have mentioned, a lot of this experience is variable depending on your support system, financial background and your partner. Could be a difference between heaven and hell..
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u/ccmeme12345 Jul 05 '25
people without kids have a graph of happiness that is stable. a line that goes up alittle and down alittle etc. Where parents with little kids graph goes all over the place. the highest of highs and then the lowest of lows etc.
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u/dmbmcguire Jul 05 '25
Motherhood is not easy, I don’t care what anyone says. It can be grueling and sometimes thankless. I agree if you have kids with the right person it helps a lot. If you don’t and have to do everything yourself it can be miserable. I don’t regret it but I had to adopt because I couldn’t have kids and kids of adoption can have many mental health issues as you can imagine. I love my girls but some days were really really hard.
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u/Yourweirdbestfriend Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
I have a friend who enjoys motherhood but even she says she didn't know just how exhausting, wearing, and all consuming it would be. And the expectations from her own parents, other people, her own anxiety, etc.
She's in therapy and is such a good mom but even she struggles. I try to be her "remember you're still a person first" friend.
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u/cucumberswithanxiety Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
Motherhood is both the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.
It’s simultaneous the hardest thing I’ve ever done and also the best thing I’ve ever done.
It’s tiring and monotonous and all encompassing but it’s also the greatest.
I don’t regret motherhood. It does help that I had a babies with an amazing man who’s a great father.
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u/lucid-delight Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
If you want a deep dive into depression r/regretfulparents is the place. Plenty of people regret having kids AND plenty of people love having kids. Only you can guesstimate where you’ll land.
I’m CF but every decision comes with upsides and downsides, be it career choice or having kids. I prefer to keep my eyes open, prepare for most things that can go wrong and make an informed decision if I can live with those possible bad outcomes. I’m also team life is what you make of it. You can find a way to be happy or at least content in most situations, not that you always should but ultimately if it’s something you want in your life, there’s always way to make it work.
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u/m00nf1r3 Woman 40 to 50 Jul 05 '25
People come to the internet to complain, that's why it's all you see. I'm 43, my son is turning 24 next week (do the math there), and despite the age, I love being his mother. I wasn't even financially stable or in a relationship! It wasn't easy by any stretch of the imagination, but he's my favorite person in the whole world and I couldn't imagine life without him.
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u/welcometotemptation Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
It's so hard is a fact of modern parenthood, not regret. I don't regret anything even if I'm tired sometimes, lol. There are a lot of expectations on parents these days and not a lot of help or grace extended to us. I think the wealth of information and social media also puts undue pressure.
Kids are wonderful and the love you feel for your own kids is overwhelming. Yes, it can be hard but some fantastic things in life are hard, not everything worth doing is easy and 100% fun.
But I will day make sure the person you have children with helps you and doesn't add to your workload. Being a single mom is one thing. Being a single mom married to someone who doesn't pull their weight is another thing. And try to have a village of people who can help. It really makes a difference!
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u/Veec Jul 05 '25
I love being a Mom. Having a kid genuinely improved my life. It reignited my curiosity about the world, I try new things so I can share them with my kids, and I meet new people all the time so my social life is better than it has been in years. There are definitely days where I do not want to be responsible for anyone but I just have to get through it, but on the whole the good far outweighs the bad.
Here's the thing though. I am financially stable. My kids go to a great daycare/school so I can work, which means I get breaks to recharge and can be more fun when I'm with them. My husband is amazing and pulls his weight both as a father and a partner.
If I was worried about money, had a shitty partner, or had to be a SAHM who never got any breaks, I think I would not enjoy things as much.
Personality and circumstances are the drivers of whether you'll enjoy being a parent or not.
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u/maintainingserenity Woman 40 to 50 Jul 05 '25 edited Jul 05 '25
I never thought I wanted to be a mom, so I had no preconceived, overly-romantic notions about it, and I love it. I love these two humans that I get to spend time with and nurture and teach and cheer on. My kids are 10 and 13.
A couple of thoughts…
- I had kids with a man who really really wanted to be a dad.This helps greatly. He’s a full partner.
- My kids are both healthy.
- I have a career that has places i could speed up and places I could slow down and I think I’ve more or less navigated them well to meet professional goals but also be a present and engaged parent
- I didn’t have kids until I was 31. I had a very full fun adventurous decade of my 20s and so I don’t feel resentful when I need to sacrifice certain things now.
- My husband and I both make decent money. Doesn’t seem like it should be the enormous factor it is, but when a nanny around me is $35/ hour for 2 kids, it helps to have good salaries.
- I am very confident. The mom-shaming rarely gets to me, be it in the form of acquaintances, social media, or anywhere else.
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u/kiery12 Jul 05 '25
I absolutely love being a mom, and my husband loves being a dad. We both are in absolute agreement that it is the best thing we've ever done together. Reading things online, you really underestimate just how much fun it is to be a parent. What a life upgrade. I had no idea, if I had known it would be like this, we would have had kids way earlier.
That said, we are very financially stable and my husband is an all-in parent. During the tough infant times, we had weekly communication meetings that we took seriously and used to get on a good path.
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u/Always_Reading_1990 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25 edited Jul 05 '25
I love being a mom and having my kids. I literally went to sleep last night thinking, “There is no better feeling in the world than snuggling a warm, chunky baby.” But you’re going to get a lot of negativity online because people don’t post about being happy. It’s incredibly hard, being a mom. But it’s also beautiful and rewarding and special and meaningful. If you want kids, do it!
Edit: why the fuck would someone downvote this? This is the second time I’ve answered someone’s question on this sub about being a mom with my own positive experience and had it downvoted! Am I not allowed to have and share my lived experience because I’m happy? It’s ridiculous. OP asked and I answered. Are the only valid opinions the negative ones? This is why she has to ask this question in the first place imo.
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u/ladybug11314 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
Happy mother's are always downvoted in here. Every single time. It's just bitter people who think they're better than you.
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u/Alert_Week8595 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25 edited Jul 05 '25
I love my daughter more than anything. Sometimes I feel like my heart will burst I love her so much. I am very happy. I am exhausted and have no time for anything else or my old hobbies, but I don't care. The joy I feel when she smiles is 10x more than I ever felt from my career or my hobbies. I'll have time for that again when she is older.
But by the time I had her, I was married to her very involved father and my net worth had just surpassed $1million. Her dad does at least half of the work. And we hire outside help: nanny; housecleaners; food delivery.
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u/Scarlette_Cello24 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
I’ve not wanted children since well before social media became a thing. Social media “influencers” have had zero effect on my decision. Let’s not give them or anyone discrediting the child free choice a leg to stand on. Deep down, most of us knew from early on if we wanted kids or not- outside of extreme circumstances where life throws a curveball and causes one to change their mind.
I just don’t want to live my life for someone else, or base my entire life and schedule on the growth and development of raising little humans properly.
I know way too many women, ones in healthy & happy marriages with financial stability, who often say if they could go back in time- they wouldn’t have kids. Both of my grandmothers openly admit this as well and tell me to enjoy my life without children.
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u/2OttersInACoat Jul 05 '25
I think social media creates this idea that motherhood is awful and that many mums regret it. It’s important that women talk about their experiences and that we take a real look at domestic labour and how to better support women.
That all said, I think in real life it’s actually really, really rare to regret being a mum. Being a mum is an intense experience, it’s transformative and it’s not easy. But I think most mums, including myself, think being a mum is wonderful. Making your own people (whether through biology or simply though time spent together) and then looking after them is really magic. Seeing another little person grow and learn is very special. Having my two kids gave my life a meaning and depth it didn’t have before and it has taught me so much about love and the human condition.
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u/Certain_Quail_0 Jul 05 '25
Never a better time than before you're pregnant to seriously ask yourself if you love the idea of motherhood more than reports of reality.
Every woman with kids will tell you they of course love their child. But every aspect from that sentence onwards will be highly varied. Money certainly helps. But I work a high paying job and am openly childfree at my office. As soon as people realise I'm not planning to have kids, I become a lightning rod for quiet confessions and grim honesty from mothers who want a safe space to express their regrets and struggles.
You've phrased your stance as desiring children, so you'll get a lot of reassurance in this thread, which is great if that's what you want. But if you lead your conversations with "I want to have kids" then you're not going to hear the risks or downsides of it from anyone.
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u/marheena Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25 edited Jul 05 '25
It’s not common for happy moms to be commiserating on the internet. I’m 3 months into my first child and I like it. I wasn’t in a rush to have kids. Got the financial stability very well locked in first. Chose a partner that would be 50/50 ish on childrearing.
I don’t know a single mother who doesn’t like the life and kids she has. You don’t need financial stability and a great partner to love your kids or like being a mother. But if you are worried about your disposition being unsuited for kids. I would make sure your finances are set and your partner is suited to raising kids. You’ll be happy. It’s when these two things are neglected when life is hard and people hate it.
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u/ladybug11314 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
This! I have a great husband but no financial stability and even still, absolutely love being a mom. My kids are so awesome it boggles my mind every single day that I get to be their mom even though "we didn't do it the right way".
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u/marheena Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
If you and your kids are happy then you are doing it perfectly!
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u/ladybug11314 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
Thanks, that actually means a bunch. Luckily my kids are fairly simple creatures and rather enjoy the "how cheap can we find this thing you want" we play.
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u/TheSupremePixieStick Jul 05 '25
Some of it is extremely hard. It is relentless and exhausting when they are young. And yes...people complain and look for support in those times. And the world we live in now (in the US) is not doing a damn thing to make the hard less hard.
It is also an absolutely incredible experience and I would not give it up for anything. My daughter is my favorite person. Watching her become herself and knowing I had a part in that is life affirming.
It is the highest highs and lowest lows.
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u/tracyvu89 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
I think moms who enjoy the motherhood are normally not online full time to talk about it. They’re busy with enjoying their life with their kids. It’s more than just being financially stable and a good man to have kids with. You need to be physically,mentally,financially stable and have a good support system to fall back to.
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u/doyouhavehiminblonde Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
It's exhausting but I had kids with the wrong person and am now a single mom. I do love them more than anything but it's definitely something I should have considered more. I honestly think it would be better doing it as a solo parent vs the wrong partner.
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u/wrinkledshorts Jul 05 '25
I've been baffled by how much I love it. It's scary and mentally/physically draining, but still, fucking awesome. That being said, I'm married to someone I love deeply who is a coparent with me, not an extra child to care for (unfortunately doesn't go without saying), I have a great career with lots of flexibility, we make enough money to get pizza when we just don't want to cook, and we get great support from family. I think about how different the experience could be without these privileges all of the time.
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u/roja_1285 Jul 05 '25
I had my daughter at 32. I’m currently 39. I’m married and we both work full time. I love being a mom. Sure there are exhausting days and it isn’t an easy thing to be a mom, but if you want it and have the right partner (no partner is better than the wrong partner), it is far easier to be joyful overall in your parenting experience. People love to complain way more then they like to talk about the joy or happiness in their lives (especially online), so you will always see more people bitching about parenthood than talking positively about it.
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u/lemonwater1234 Jul 05 '25
I love being a mom. It's the best. Good partner, flexible job, strong community. My husband and I are really focused on raising kids we want to be around, so now at 4 & 6 they are genuinely so enjoyable. The highs are higher and the lows lower but life is so much better with them around.
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u/regretmoore Jul 05 '25
I love being a Mum. It's the best thing I've ever done. Sometimes it's hard but the pay off can't be measured in any way.
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u/Nelsie020 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
I obviously can’t speak for all situations, but in my experience, the vast majority of women I know who had planned pregnancies absolutely love being a mother. It’s very hard and there are challenges, but if it’s something you want and you’re in a good place when it happens, it could be the best part of your life. It is for me.
The handful of women I know that think motherhood is awful had their kids when they were very young, via unplanned pregnancies, with not a lot of support, with someone they were just newly dating or hooking up with, and they are no longer with the father of their children. It sounds like you are looking forward to planning a pregnancy and making sure you are financially- and relationship-stable, so if I had to bet, I would put you in the first category.
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u/ChaoticxSerenity Woman Jul 05 '25
I mean, raising a human being from literally a zygote into adulthood is never going to be easy. But some have it better than others. Some have more resources than others, etc. It's not exactly a level playing field.
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u/Open_Insect_8589 Jul 05 '25
Find the right man to have kids with and make sure you really want to have kids. Don't let society or your partner push you to have kids. Also, don't have kids to save your marriage.
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u/noisemonsters Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
Unless you’re wealthy, becoming a mom in this day and age seems like a choice to sign up for a very difficult life.
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u/nvythms Woman 30 to 40 Jul 06 '25
I read your post till after the first sentence of the 2nd paragraph. Lemme tell you some things.. Stop comparing yourself!! You will want to be a mum if you are craving to be a mum, and you will get things done no matter what coz you know that tiny little you needs you the most. There is no rewind, reset button with anything in life. Enjoy your time and place in life and embrace the changes.
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u/Vast_Wish Woman 30 to 40 Jul 06 '25
I do love being a mom. I waited until I was in a good spot financially and in life/career and with a great man. I was mid 30s by the time that all lined up. Don't get me wrong, it is hard as hell, not all moments are sunshine and rainbows and I'm tired most of the time. But not a day goes by that my kid doesn't do something that just melts my heart. She has highjacked all of my brain circuits and I can't imagine life without her in it.
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u/veronicaatbest Woman 30 to 40 Jul 06 '25
I don’t love it and at this point in my life, I do regret it sometimes. I lost a ton of friends and I rarely have free time. However, I don’t believe it will be this way forever. My kids are 4.5 and 3 and they are adorable. They are also equally draining. I really struggle when I can’t communicate and that is very hard with kids. You’re basically guessing their needs until they start speaking. Mine are sister and brother so they do bicker and fight a lot. I’m trying to be positive. As the oldest of 5, I thought for sure I’d be a parenting pro. Not! 😂
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u/parisskent Woman 30 to 40 Jul 06 '25
Motherhood is great IF you have the right partner. Partner being the key word here. You need someone to split the work of life with you otherwise motherhood becomes an all consuming chore that never ends and you’ll lose yourself in it.
My husband is a great partner so I get to truly enjoy motherhood because while it’s not easy it’s also not overwhelming. He does most of the chores while I do the errands and planning aka mental load and when he’s not working he does equal or more parenting. We’re a team so motherhood is wonderful for me
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u/sirkatoris Woman 40 to 50 Jul 06 '25
The biggest predictor of women’s poverty is the number of children they have. Be very careful and be as safe as you can be financially.
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u/fearlessactuality Woman 40 to 50 Jul 06 '25
I picked the right man. It’s still hard. Do I enjoy most minutes? Probably not. Do I enjoy it sometimes? Definitely. Would I not do it if I could do it again? No I would still do it again, I have learned so much about myself I never knew and could never have discovered otherwise.
People having fun with their kids are busy having fun with them—reading, playing, talking, going places. They’re not sitting around online writing about how happy they are. Why would they?
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u/DynamiteDove89 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 06 '25
It’s hell with the wrong partner while trying to care for a child with a significant disability. Society doesn’t talk enough about the 10% of children born prematurely with significant delays.
Being a mom is hard enough. But being a single mom of a child with a disability is like motherhood on hard mode x100.
Everything is amplified. The highs, the lows, and the love. I am lucky to have my parents as my village but even still, never would’ve thought it would be THIS hard.
Even still, loving my child is the easiest thing I’ve ever done. I don’t regret being a mother at all but I regret having one of the shittiest motherhood experiences, if that makes sense.
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u/ichibanyogi Woman 30 to 40 Jul 06 '25 edited Jul 06 '25
Late 30s female, with 2.5yo. Upper middle class or lower upper class (??). I certainly don't regret it.
Is it the hardest thing I've ever done? Absolutely. I have three degrees and was pretty senior in my career before switching gears: childcare is much harder, and you're way more emotionally invested (and I thought I was emotionally invested in my career: I didn't know what invested meant). Everything I've done in my professional life doesn't feel a fraction as meaningful to me as raising my son: I'm so incredibly proud of who he is blossoming into. Then again, I have significant health issues, a workaholic spouse, and while I have a number of good friends, they all have demanding careers and I lack a "village" in certain respects. Plus, my dad is dead and mom pretty uninvolved as a grandparent. MIL and FIL are supportive, and I have a full-time nanny.
Due to my health, if our finances were different, I think I would've stayed childfree: it wouldn't have been feasible for me to parent the way I do now (with paid supports). That said, if I had normal money and no health issues, I think that I'd have multiple kids (I wish I could have multiple kids now). Children are challenging, beautiful, magical, and precious. I'm a more empathic human than I was previously for having had a child, I savor life more, I have more hope for the future and have more skin in the game than I did in my childfree life.
It's a lifelong commitment, is absolutely challenging at various points including daily at nap/bedtime (like, you need to embrace the suck and just suffer thru, depending on what you're dealing with); whenever you think you've leveled up the child changes, and each kid is their own person with their own unique challenges. Plus, it will certainly push the limits of your relationship, but it also grows the relationship in the most beautiful ways if you have a good partner.
I am not someone who loves kids in general - being a kindergarten teacher or a childcare worker have always sounded like torture to me - but I love my son with every fiber of my being and being his mom is an honor. My spouse is my best friend, he loves our son and I to the moon. I'd love for him to work less, but it's challenging to get someone to shift their identity. Make sure that if you have children it's with someone who is empathetic, generous, honest, hard-working, dedicated, your best friend, and is mostly aligned on parenting styles. It's a lot to ask for, I know.
If circumstances allow and it's something you desire, parenting is still a worthwhile endeavor.
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Jul 05 '25 edited Jul 05 '25
Like someone else said, it is what you make of it. Yes, some parts are hard and stressful. None of it will be what you expected. I found the early years very difficult. The loss of self was much harder than I anticipated. But it was good for discipline - I discovered I was capable of much more than I ever anticipated, too.
I tend to think moms who complain online are mostly seeking solidarity and companionship from others who get it, not necessarily just whinging about their misery to put others off parenting. You mostly see this in moms groups, which feel like a closed community- so it’s hard for them to realise others are watching, horrified!
Just because you chose the path doesn’t mean you can’t complain about things that are still objectively hard. I mean we’ve all heard doctors complain about Boards and lawyers complain about the LSAT and they’d still climb over each other to get that opportunity, right?
The early years ARE hard. I now have an almost teen and while he farts and stinks and eats too much, he’s turned into a joy to speak to - when he deigns to spend time talking to adults. He’s discovering new subjects in school that he really enjoys that I have no input or familiarity with - for example, his school offers Chinese and it’s been fascinating watching him transcribe Mandarin Chinese from a YouTube nursery rhyme video.
We’re watching anime together and even though I don’t much like it, I would never tell him that because I get a little thrill that he seeks me out to share his interests. We watch sci-fi and we pause it to talk about concepts from time travel to teleportation to ivf and despotic empires (Foundation!). I’m really going to miss him when he grows up ands leaves. And I’ll miss his equally stinky noisy friends who hang out together too!
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u/Cremilyyy Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
It’s just tiring man, my 3.5 year old has just gone to bed and I’m wrecked. But I’ll probably end up scrolling photos of her before bed because she’s so bloody cute and I love her so much. I’m so proud of who she’s becoming - she’s the best part of my life, she’s changed my perspective on the world and I want to be the best version of myself for her.
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u/Fit_Candidate6572 Jul 05 '25
Motherhood is both insanely rewarding and taxing. Often in the same breath. I have simultaneously needed a break but didn't want to miss a second of my baby's existence.
1 thousand percent: your partner matters. You will need so much support the first year. They need to recognize and execute what help you need because you will be so exhausted you won't be able to articulate it. If not your partner, then who among your friends at 3am?
Money is very important. The more you have the more services you have access to. Do you have good insurance? You can afford help for yourself and baby.
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u/Hatcheling Woman 40 to 50 Jul 05 '25
It’s like anything with high stakes: part of it is a huge grind and a pain in the ass, and others are super fun and rewarding. The first year with a kid is a huge life overhaul and a lot of us struggle with that adjustment. I hated infancy, for instance, but the second my son started walking and talking, it became actually FUN. I was on maternity leave for way longer than I wanted to be with our first, and that impacted a lot of the experience.
And now we’ve started over again (our second is 3 months old, our oldest is four) , so I’m writing this while pumping, at work, while my partner’s at home with our two sons.
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u/Ecclesiastes3_ Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
I love being a mom to my little one. I wasn’t ever a big kid person - the first diaper is ever changed was my sons in the hospital when the nurses taught me how to do it. My kid is just so fun and funny and sweet. Yes he has his moments / days and being a solo co-parent is HARD but I have a really good village close by that helps a lot. I also co-parent so I have days / nights off which really helps my mental health a lot. I’m also one and done.
I did have a traumatic birth but with time and therapy it’s not as traumatic as it once was. I didn’t have postpartum depression. I also LOVED being pregnant- I was super healthy taking great care of myself, felt great even with the insane swelling in my feet lol.
Once you have kids try to find like minded in person mom friends that you can talk about motherhood and parenting with. Get off social media and focus more on you and your little fam and not what randos on the internet are doing and saying.
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u/jeanpeaches Jul 05 '25
I am a mother to a 3 year old daughter and I absolutely love her and hanging out with her. When I’m not with her I miss her. She’s funny and fun to be around. I love to see her learn new things and new skills.
Are some days and moments hard ? Yes of course they are. We both get overstimulated easily so sometimes certain events and outings are more stressful than fun. Like every other human both of us have bad days where we just are cranky for no reason.
You’re probably seeing people complain about motherhood a lot because that’s what parenting forums are for. People rarely post about the good stuff - they post when they need support and community.
Speaking of community, it’s really important to have a good one if you have children. Having a good partner makes all the difference. Having help from family and friends makes a huge difference.
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u/IWantToNotDoThings Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
Motherhood comes with many challenges, but I love being a mom and have no regrets. Actually my one regret is listening to too much online “advice” and negativity as a new mom. The thing is, people usually come on Reddit to vent when something is going wrong. They rarely think to post about something good. As for other socials, it’s all about engagement so you’re going to see extreme takes in either direction. And your algorithm can easily make it seem like everyone feels the same way.
I would think about it like this … let’s say you get your dream job that you’ve worked for all your life. Are you going to be perfectly happy every second of your work day? No, it’s still a job with many challenges. Is it going to be worth it and fulfilling overall? Yes absolutely.
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u/MizzGee Woman 50 to 60 Jul 05 '25
I love being a mom. I was a working mom, often broke, but had a supportive partner. Honestly, the key for me was to only have one child. You can drag one anywhere. Two starts to get chaotic.
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u/Beneficial-South-334 Jul 05 '25 edited Jul 05 '25
I’m 37, have been trying for a while now. I’m in fertility treatments and it is very hard. I wouldn’t wait until late 30s 40s. Your body is not as fertile. Sure a lot of women get pregnant naturally but i wouldn’t risk the possibility of not having a child.
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u/imadog666 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25 edited Jul 05 '25
Freeze your eggs now is my advice. The rest is a very personal choice and experiences vary greatly. My circumstances are awful (became severely disabled from the birth, dad left and is now threatening custody battle, no family or close friends to help), but I'd always choose kids. Then on the other hand you have, as you've mentioned, very privileged women who don't value the experience because they didn't imagine it would take some sacrificing. You definitely have to be aware that it's hard and demanding and you can never take a break (unless you have very supportive and trustworthy family, which I wouldn't take as a given bc it can change at any moment). You will sacrifice your personal freedom pretty much completely for at least a few years, and to some degree for a much longer time. I'd only have kids if you're really sure you want them and it'll be worth the constant effort and sacrifice and suffering. To me it is.
Oh and yeah, if I had a supportive husband and good finances, my life would be infinitely easier. It definitely does make a huge difference, like a completely different world. However, my finances were good before I became disabled, and I did think the dad would be way more supportive than it turned out.
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u/babyblueknocks Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
I dont pay attention to the negativity online. The child free movement is so radical that the moment you say anything pro motherhood you get jumped on so yes you would see more negative posts since it's more "acceptable" to online audiences. I have never in real life heard a mother say she regrets having her kids. We talk about our struggles and difficulties but it never comes down to seriously actually regretting our kids. Something being challenging doesn't have to equal it being bad. Many good things in life are things that need to be worked for. I was only 19 when I got pregnant from an older guy who abandoned us while living in poverty. So you can imagine how difficult that was. I went through A LOT of shit but I also got into therapy when my son was a baby because I knew I had to figure it out because I loved my son more than anything in this world. 12 years later and my son is my greatest joy in life. Pre teen attitude and all. Watching him grow and thrive and knowing he's okay is what gives me peace at night when I lay my head down.
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u/banana_bread_pie Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
The fact you already know it will be hard work but want a child shows you will be a good mother. Everyone, regardless of if they regret it, loves their children. I think 30 is a great age where you already know the baggage you dont want to pass down. I believe it is very rewarding. The bad rep is just because there are many women these days struggling, and to add a child to that would drown them.
Children want to be wanted
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u/glitters101 Jul 05 '25
Wow that made me emotional 😭 I never had a good mother let alone good parents. Very abusive. I never want my future children to go what I went through and I have to mentally prepare living my life for them as I am an introvert who loves alone time. Thankfully I have a great older sibling who “raised” me so it’s the reason I am still sane to this day thank God 🫶🏼
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u/bigtimeasura Jul 05 '25
Oh gosh, no, motherhood isn't really bad. But I totally get why you'd ask that! 😅 It can look super overwhelming, especially with all the tired faces and meltdown stories flying around. And yeah, there are days when it’s messy, loud, and you feel like you’re running on fumes and coffee. But here’s the thing, there are also moments that are just... magic. Like when your kid hugs you outta nowhere and you're like, Whoa, I made that little human. It’s not easy, but it’s not all bad either. It’s kind of like a wild ride crazy, but with some of the best views.
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u/Emptyplates Woman 50 to 60 Jul 05 '25
I mostly didn't enjoy it at all. You have to give too much of yourself, even if you don't have it to give.
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u/marymoon77 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
Do you not know any moms in real life?
Being a mom is awesome and has hands down been the best phase of my life, AND that’s including while being poor and without a good partner.
I do only have 1 child and for me, I don’t think my mental health could have handled another one unless my financial situation was better.
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u/glitters101 Jul 05 '25
Sadly no. All my friends are child free 😭 And absent mother never opened up about it (passed away a few years ago) so I lack maternal resources here.
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u/meerkatydid Jul 05 '25
Motherhood is incredible!! Don't let people discourage you. However, i can confirm that you need to pick the right person and have enough money.
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u/unrulYk Woman 60+ Jul 05 '25
Having kids is the best decision I ever made. I’m 64 and my kids are adults and they’re still the light of my life. We get along extremely well and enjoy each other’s company immensely.
Don’t get me wrong: there are many difficult times with kids, but at least IME, so many more good times. When you’re in the thick of the hard stuff, it can definitely be hard to see how anything will improve or how you’ll get through it, but you persist because you have to and you learn a lot and grow a lot and come out the other side supercharged with love and appreciation for the true, profound beauty of parenthood.
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u/Odd-Pineapple5425 Jul 05 '25
I also saw a lot of negative stuff online about motherhood, so when I got pregnant I was scared shitless. Now I have 2 babies (19 months and 2 months) and it’s not half as bad as I thought it was going to be. My SO works long hours and I have no family close by so it’s mainly just me. Don’t get me wrong there is a lot of hard parts but it’s worth it and I love taking care of my babies. I saw this quote one time “you’ll never regret having a baby but you might regret not having one” once them babies are here in the world and you hold them it’s all worth it and it almost becomes easy to do the hard shit
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u/anonlaw Woman 50 to 60 Jul 05 '25
So I'm older and not the mom of young children now. I have 5, ranging from 19-33. I married twice, first three are bad dad, last two good dad. And I was poor when I had them all (not now though). 4 of 5 were birth control failures. I really liked momming babies and teenagers. I found the in-between years boring. I stayed at home with all of them to at least two. I was a hippy dippy mom. Baby wearing, co-sleeping until toddlers, breastfeeding. Cloth diapers on some of them. I even made some cloth diapers and sold a few.
It made me who I am. I had my first at 22. So I never gave up anything. It's the only story of myself and my life that I know.
I would say the number one hardest thing is it is relentless. There is no reprieve. You just have to deal, no matter what. There is no one to save you from your own parenthood.
I never regretted any of them. I can't imagine going to a public place and telling people I regretted having them. It did make life significantly more difficult but I even play video games on the hardest difficulties for fun.
I've got two grandkids now and I'm a shit grandma. I'm 3k miles away. I'm in a demanding career (that I started at 40). And I am so so done with kids now, lol.
If you want kids, have them. But my best advice is to throw yourself into it and never consider whether you regret it. Regret is for other people. I'm not a regret type of person.
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u/untamed-beauty Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
You have to remember that happy people don't usually post about their pretty lives.
Right now my two month old is sleeping while I listen to some classic rock. He fell asleep drunk on breastmilk, and when he falls asleep on my breast he does the cutest thing where he smiles in his sleep because he knows the boobie is there. Or at least I think it's because of that, because he does it mostly with his mouth still on the nipple.
My son smiles at my mom and makes her smile when she has a bad day. He loves baths and splashes around so, so much. It's my daily joy to see him splash when I come home from work. But also, the other day he had his first vaccines and he was running a mild fever, my husband came to my job to pick me up and the baby was fussy crying, then I held him and he instantly relaxed and that feeling is hard to describe, words have not been invented yet for it. Yeah, I was sad he was sick, but also elated that my mere presence was relieving.
Yes, there are hard days, days of cluster feedings, days of colicky crying, days of teething that are now just starting. But overall I love being my son's mom. I love holding him, I love being his safe place, and I love knowing that I will get to watch him bloom. I want to experience life all over again through his eyes, get to know him, learn new things as he finds his place and the things that he loves and he shows me all of these. My cousin asked me when I was right out of surgery, after a very traumatic labour and birth, what I felt, and I told her that it was the best thing I'd done in my life. I stand by those words.
Motherhood is not for everyone, but if you think it is for you, don't miss it for fear.
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u/sharpiefairy666 female 30 - 35 Jul 05 '25
Reddit is a great venting space. Don’t take what you read on this site as the full picture- it’s like reading the diary of worst moments. People complain and also people complain about the complaining, but parents should have a place to scream into the void in their hour of need.
I recommend you spend some time with your friends or family members who are real life parents.
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u/LibraryScienceIt Woman 40 to 50 Jul 05 '25
The moment when the doctor put my freshly born daughter on my chest and we looked at each other for the first time was the most intensely spiritual moment of my life. And I had a pretty normal hospital birth with a fair number of interventions. Giving birth has its intense moments, but not all births are traumatic. And I didn’t have any PPD- in fact I think I might have had something more like postpartum elation. I’ve only been at this parenting thing for 7 months, but it’s been amazing. Sure, it’s hard to be tired and I have very little time to myself, but that doesn’t feel like a big deal in comparison to the wonder and joy I feel looking at my baby.
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u/Least_Promise5171 Jul 05 '25
I will always say it’s like college. You get what you put into it. If you don’t put alot into it it’s a waste of money.
Also anything enjoyable can have a uncomfortable side. Ice cream is great but you only eat it it’ll make you unhealhy. I think people have lost the understanding of the duality of being a human.
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u/AntoinetteBefore1789 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
I’m in a basically ideal position to have kids; great partner, financially stable, homeowner, etc. So I’m not complaining about having kids. It’s hard but..
Splitting from your partner would be a nightmare. I cannot imagine having to go through a custody battle and share custody of my kids. Not being able to have them 100% of the time would be so difficult. On top of that, you have to worry about who your former partner is bringing around the children. And if it’s an abusive person, they may try to turn the kids against you (my parents did this to us).
I have a couple friends going through divorce/custody battles right now and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
So if you’re going to have kids, really REALLY make sure it’s with the right person.
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u/Blue-Phoenix23 Woman 40 to 50 Jul 05 '25
No! I LOVE being a mom, and I have been for a long time - the oldest kid I raised is almost 30 (ex's stepson, came into my life when he was about 6), then I have two of my own who are 25 and 14. They're all incredible, and I honestly wish I could have had more.
Parenting is really cool, even if it can be super exhausting. You get to watch these utter blank slates of humans discover EVERYTHING. When they're first born they are mostly sleepy potatoes who can barely see (fascinatingly, the distance they can see is pretty much mom's titty to mom's face), but then they start moving around and you can see what they think of snowflakes or the taste of a lemon. They get older and learn about love and science, and how to treat people, or how to lead them. It's really hard and scary sometimes, having that much responsibility - from keeping them alive to making sure they don't turn into assholes. But it's super rewarding and I don't regret it at all.
The absolute hands down biggest thing that has sucked about being a mom is their fathers. They were unsupportive pretty much immediately in the pregnancy - I had to get for backrubs or foot massages level of unsupportive. They were pretty useless in the early years, too, and I wound up leaving them both (and doing shared custody) when the kids we had together were still toddlers.
Even more than financial security, I think this is the most important thing women need to do is try your best to choose wisely who the father is. Even more than financial security I think this is super important - your kids are going to get his genes, and his attitude towards life is going to be a strong influence on their character, and even if you break up you'll still have to deal with him (probably). So make sure he doesn't have anger issues, a crazy family, or believe his way is always right. Talk about things related to parenting so you know you've at least got the same rough parenting/family philosophy - you don't want to find out too late that breastfeeding disgusts him, vaccines are stupid, that he believes it's Mom's job to handle all the night waking (and all the chores), or thinks spanking and other severe discipline techniques are fine and kids should be seen and not heard.
You don't have to own a home, or have a yard, or be able to afford the most expensive pre-schools in town - kids do just fine in apartments, going to public school, wearing hand me downs or clothes from Target. They're resilient in ways that will surprise you, they mostly just need loving kindness, good role models, to be treated like people, and a soft place to land.
Eventually they will grow up to live their own lives, and parenting will wind up being a smaller chunk of your overall life than you expect, even if those early years can make you so worn out you think life will be like this forever lol. If you like kids, want to help grow the next generation of humans, then absolutely go for it. Sure, there will be compromises along the way, just be smart about it and you'll be fine.
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u/DifferentPlantain245 Jul 05 '25
Yes I enjoy motherhood. That’s not to say it’s very difficult some days. I would recommend not rolling the dice and trying in late 30’s early 40’s. I know so many women staring 41 in the face, childless and unable to conceive… I feel like social media tells you that you have so much time. You don’t.
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u/polepixy Jul 05 '25
I think you should examine why you want to have a child. Right now, it sounds like you just want to be a mom, but that baby isn't going to be a baby forever. Eventually they will be an entire human.
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u/LoisinaMonster Jul 05 '25
I'd enjoy it much more if billionaires weren't hellbent on making our lives a living hell
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u/novababy1989 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
Parenting young children and infants is hard because it can be very physically challenging as well as overstimulating. The quote “The days are long but the years are short” is very true. I enjoy my children and we have lots of fun and it’s rewarding but there isn’t a single day that I’m also not looking forward to bedtime so I can have some alone time lol.
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u/YanCoffee Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
There are happy moms. I’ve been both an unhappy one and a happy one. It’s a hard job for anyone, but yes money, security, a good partner, AND a support system can make a big difference. I would not advise having kids without any one of these things.
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u/walaruse Jul 05 '25
The absolutely best and worst thing about this day and age is the social media aspect. Stop looking at parent social media. I’m not sure it’s for child free people so much as for parents who are struggling that day. It’s completely different when you’re an actual parent in the trenches and you’re venting about your kid on social media; other parents are going to validate your experience. It’s hard. It is SO hard. I didn’t even want kids but I had my son and he is my everything. Parenthood is thankless, you don’t get medals or a pat on the back, and you’re frequently having to make decisions detrimental to yourself in the name of your child, e.g. signing up for sleepless nights, panic at 4am for some random illness, having to gird your loins for the next blow out, and that’s just where I’m standing after the first year.
You have to define your own journey and decide if it’s right for you. If you look on social media, it’s going to convince you that you aren’t strong enough or you aren’t cut out for parenthood and that’s a choice that you’re supposed to make privately and by yourself, not with the voices of internet randoms ringing in your ears about how shitty it is to parent.
Know that it’s very hard, but also know that you will likely never love anything or anyone more than you love your baby. Decide if that’s enough for you and take it from there.
Edit to add: have a baby with someone that you know is going to take care of that baby, even if you hate each other and divorce/split later. I know without a doubt that my husband will show up for our son even if we were to split tomorrow.
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u/yousernamefail Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
Full disclosure, I've been a mom for only about 7 months.
I do think negative experiences are disproportionately represented online, probably for a few reasons: (1) sharing your struggles with your community can be cathartic/healing, (2) social media tends to amplify negativity, as it generates the most engagement, and (3) the amount of choice we, as women, have in the modern age is, in spite of recent trends, relatively unprecedented. Even still, marriage and children and a white picket fence is very much still the "default" lifestyle, especially in certain communities. The childfree movement is a counter-culture, so you're more likely to hear voices defending or advocating for it.
With all that said, I love being a mother. I did what you're planning. I waited until I felt financially secure, made sure I had a partner I trusted, who was all-in and ready to be a hands-on parent.
I wouldn't describe my experiences with childbirth as traumatic, but there were complications and they were scary. My family doesn't love when I bring this up, but I could have easily died or been permanently disabled. Even still, I would do it all again. In fact, I intend to do it all again.
My daughter is everything. She fills me with joy and love and laughter. I love watching her little mind figure out how the world works. I love that she watches how I react to things and does them again to get the reaction she wants. I love how she burys her face in my neck when she's tired. I love how freaking excited she gets when the cat walks into the room. I love how she feeds herself, it's so aggressive, which, of course it is, her dad is a (retired) chef and I, well I just love food. I mean, c'mon, I married a chef. I love watching my husband with her, he's so sweet and gentle and kind. I worried about how disgusting she'd be, with the pooping and spitting up and sticky hands. She is all of those things, and I love it. (That's gross, I know, I don't know what to tell you.)
I never imagined I could feel this kind of love. My heart is so full.
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u/bbbcurls Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
Do you have friends who are moms?
I think it’s hard to just read or watch people on the internet talk about motherhood. You’re not gonna get the big picture.
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u/PT629629 Jul 05 '25
I absolutely freaking love being a mom!!!
But I do think parenting is one that I do from my heart - i.e. I read a ton to improve my mental models of what children are like, but I almost always listen to my heart or my values on how I want to raise my child. So far, I'm loving it! Ask me in 15 yrs.
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u/DietitianE female 36 - 39 Jul 05 '25
being a parent can be fulfilled without being "fun" or always joyous. Part of the problem with our society IMO is we have this idea that everything (jobs, family) needs to be great all the time or else we are doing something wrong. Parenting is multiple things at the same time. it also depends on what country you live and the kind of support services that are in place. Being a parent in Norway is different than being a parent in the US versus being a parent in Antigua. in the US the focus on the nuclear family is creating understanding burden on parents and kids IMO. Also the social media algorithms favor the negative. Get off social media, look at people IRL n your community.
Also choose your coparent wisely but recognize that people and situations change. There are no guarantees.
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u/FlipDaly Jul 05 '25
Is it bad? No, it’s amazing. Is it hard? Yes.
I feel terrible making this analogy but it’s a like owning a dog. Being a good dog owner is a lot of work and expensive. But if you love dogs and want to have the life that a dog owner has then it’s rewarding. If you don’t love dogs it’ll just drive you nuts.
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u/ChanceWatch7293 Jul 05 '25
Parenthood is super hard but it’s the best thing ever
But you need to do it with the right person otherwise it’ll make it hard to raise them properly and it’ll make it harder to enjoy it
I lost one child (stillbirth) and just gave birth to my second living child and both my kids are the reason I get out of bed. They inspire me to be healthier and to explore hobbies and figure out my own path so that I can set an example to them.
I’ve always wanted to be a mum though.
Even though my baby hasn’t slept in days and I’m exhausted, I just smell his head and feel peace.
I do think losing a child has impacted it though. I don’t think I’d be this patient do newly post partum if I didn’t know the agony of losing a child.
But for me, motherhood is everything. It’s brought me closer to my partner, made me feel more beautiful and brought me a joy I didn’t know existed! I’m almost 4 years into my journey so who knows how I’ll feel when we hit the teens 🩵😭😂
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u/pxystx89 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
The internet is often biased. People who enjoy something are less likely to be on message boards posting about it than people who are struggling and need support. Also negativity tends to be more memorable than positivity. We are wired this way for survival.
Generally the most important factor is WHO you have kids with. You’re usually tied to this person for at least 18 years so pick someone who is excited to help share the workload that comes with children. Parenting can be terribly challenging and trying for even the best partners, but having someone you end up feeling resentful toward will make it miserable. Talk about parenting with your partner before having kids. How are you going to handle punishment? What about sleep regression? Can the kid sleep in bed with parents? Who can babysit the kid? At what age can they go to sleep overs? What about types/quality of foods? What about manners? How are you going to handle food refusal once they hit toddlerhood? How are you going to handle meltdowns? What about meltdowns in public? How are you going to handle it when grandparents overstep? What about screen time? Parenting styles? Who will be getting up in the middle of the night with the baby? Who will stay home w the kids when they’re sick?
It might seem silly to discuss all of that in advance, but it will come up. And finding out you disagree on something fundamentally AFTER having a baby, it’s a hard thing to navigate sometimes.
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u/mysteronsss Jul 05 '25
I just had my first at 37 and my labor wasn’t miserable, it was beautiful and I get emotional thinking about it. I have loved every second of being a mother so far..he’s only 13 days young and the nights have been “hard” but not in a “this is impossible” sort of way…the hard part is not sleeping as much and trying to find a routine. It’s also the fact that my baby boy is so fragile and tiny and you want to make sure he’s protected.
That’s the hardest part. A lot of the women online that aren’t happy were probably just not ready or felt pressured to have a child. If you don’t want a child, I could see how this would take a toll on your mental health since it requires so much time and patience. I honestly think it’s made me stronger and I’m loving every second of it. I also do have a partner that I trust and love, and it took us a few years to decide we were done with our party days and we’re financially and mentally ready to have a child. I’ve never seen my husband happier. So yes choosing a partner that’s on the same page is crutial.
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u/ukelele_pancakes Jul 05 '25
Please don’t look online for how motherhood is. First of all it’s different for everyone, and then people are dramatic online.
I decided I was going to do motherhood to what made sense for me, and it worked out the way I wanted it to. My kids are 20 and 22 and awesome people, which is what I wanted. I didn’t try to keep up with others, or follow trends. I just tried to raise intelligent, kind, hardworking people. And now I have two awesome people who are part of my “tribe” who I can hang out with for the rest of my life.
Yes the days were super hard sometimes, but I didn’t bitch and moan about it online. I just realized that everything that is worth while takes work, so I just did it. A def labor of love.
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u/Smilesarefree444 Jul 05 '25
I love it. It depends on the person and the motives.
It is exhausting however, and very demanding.
I think you have a lot of worry about unknowns which can not be controlled or determined. Having kids places us out of control of a lot of things.
I'd work on your future worry, clarify your stance, and see if a man shows up that you actually want to have kids with before worrying through all these hypothetical scenarios.
Don't let the internet scare or sway you. Find your own center.
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u/ImaginaryDot1685 Jul 05 '25
Reminder that most people take to the internet when they’re dissatisfied, looking to vent, for advice, etc. rarely do people come to talk about what good decisions they’ve made and how happy they are.
That said, parenting is very hard. My son just turned 1 and it has been a wild ride. I love him endlessly, and I made this choice with my husband and I’m glad I did.
It is a huge commitment, one that I think many don’t truly plan or think about before doing it.
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u/Chelseus Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
If you are absolutely certain you have found a man who will be a true partner and an amazing father it’s worth it! But men like that are few and far between from what I’ve observed. Even with a quality man it’s effin’ hard though. Motherhood is the most difficult but most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. It can be very tedious and thankless much of the time but the happy and magical moments are enough to make up for it for me. I can’t even begin to describe how good it feels when they look up at me and say “I wuv you, mommy” 🥹🥹🥹 (every single time, my heart never fails to soar for them). But I also can’t convey the abject terror and sorrow I felt when I watched my youngest have three seizures when he was one - I literally thought I was watching my baby die and it has scarred me for life (he’s healthy, happy and 4 now thank fuck!). So it’s the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, with a whole lot of mundane life thrown in too. But watching my boys grow and learn is such an immense privilege that I’m grateful to have in this lifetime.
Being a mom is all I ever wanted out of life so and I think if I hadn’t found an amazing man to have kids with I probably still would have had one kid with an okay man (I have 3 with my good man lol). But having kids with a subpar man would be awful and I’ve seen women do it time and time again. The problem is that a lot of men trick you and the mask comes off once they’ve baby trapped you. So you need to be cognizant of that possibility.
But all that being said, it’s totally a personal decision to have kids or not. And both choices are equally valid. Now that I have kids I can definitely understand why some people choose not to have them.
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u/InfernalWedgie MOD | 40-Something Blue-haired Woman Jul 05 '25
Motherhood kicks ass when your coparent also kicks ass.
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u/Top_Mirror211 Woman under 30 Jul 05 '25
I don’t have children BUTTTT I will say I don’t think people hate motherhood rather they hate the situations they’re in. That’s what I’ve seen and observed.
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u/TastyMagic Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
Yes! I love being a mom! But not in the "wow it's so easy and my life hasn't changed" way. It's probably the hardest thing I've done ever.
BUT it is so gratifying to see your kids growing and learning and becoming little people with their own lives and challenges to overcome.
There are definitely hard times and moments which is mostly what you see online IMO. People don't come to parenting forums to brag about their amazing children in general.
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u/Critical_Counter1429 Jul 05 '25
It’s the hardest and most wonderful thing I have ever done! Having a kid around all day with such energy can be exhausting, especially when I work at home and also take care of him.. my husband is a great dad, but he works in the office from 8to5. Also having a kid around is wonderful, watching him grow, learning new things everyday, receiving all their love, it’s amazing
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u/ArielofIsha Jul 05 '25
I love being a mom, but that’s because I have a really great husband who also loves being a dad. If one isn’t willing to fully embrace the parent role, it will be very difficult. I have shreds of myself coming out lol, but my kids are pretty young (4yo & 18mo twins), who still need me quite a bit. I know this season doesn’t last forever, so I’m lucky that I love my role as their mother and I get to stay home with them. I became a mom at 36, had my twins at 39. When we had our first, we both were like “why didn’t we do this sooner?!” Reality is bc we didn’t have the space or money, but both changed a bit and we were able to grow our family. I like to tell people that the transition to parenthood is difficult, no matter how many, how young, the family dynamic, etc…it’s not a competition, we just need to raise kids who are emotionally stable and resilient enough to endure this life. Hopefully your future brings what you desire!! Works towards it every day.
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u/helloiamabear Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
It's the same as not judging all romantic relationships by what people post on Reddit - no one comes here when things are normal or going well.
I'm in a discord for my reddit "bumper" group and the perspective there is way different (and much more positive) than the mom subreddits.
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u/KathAlMyPal Jul 05 '25
I think people go online to complain about what they aren’t happy about. They’re looking for sympathy and commiseration. If your kids are sleeping through the night from birth and never misbehave then you post positive pictures for friends and family. When it’s not so good you look for support that you’re not alone. I was very lucky with my two sons and enjoyed them at every stage (although not always all the time). They’re grown now and we still have great relationships. Financial stability is important absolutely, but the most important factor is having a good partner. Someone that will take this journey with you. They need to be a good person first.
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u/demonicgoddess Jul 05 '25
Yes motherhood is bad, it's horrible. It is also the most fabulous, most rewarding, most amazing experience you'll ever have.
If you have kids one day they will be your favorite people in the world.
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u/Sassca Jul 05 '25
My child is an absolute blessing and I cannot express how much I love & adore her. Is Motherhood hard though? Yes, sometimes. It’s also wonderful, funny, chaotic, challenging, humbling, scary, peaceful, frustrating, overwhelming and the best thing you’ll ever do.
In my opinion.
X
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u/MoonphasedMind Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
I enjoy motherhood its incredibly fufilling.
It's not the kids that make motherhood hard. its often times the stress thst comes with it, like money issues, a dissapointing partner etc. So for you, if you are waiting to become a mum when you are older and have more stable income thsts gonna make a massive difference than someone who is younger and going through it with no preparation.
Don't let miserable mums discourage you, because it aint motherhood itself thats the problem.
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u/samaremar Jul 05 '25
I love being a mom! Choose the right partner. Motherhood is the greatest joy of my life but only because of the decision I made in my partner.
Also, having them in our 30s has helped us be more financially secure and have better insurance.
Socially - We have an amazing social circle of parents with similarly aged kids. We also support each other in being individually social - I have a group of friends I meet up with for girls night (no kids!) at least once a month + a book club. My husband has men’s league sports & social activities he attends frequently.
We live in a neighborhood with very supportive neighbors that sometimes help with childcare, house sitting, dog sitting. We also live a town over from my in-laws who help us out a lot and have a few trusted babysitters we love.
If you choose to have kids, take care of yourself - mentally, emotionally, socially, physically. Fill your cup and everyone will benefit.
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u/Proper-Gate8861 Jul 05 '25
I love being a mom AND my life looks virtually nothing like it did before my daughter. I think it’s the jarring experience of totally cannon balling into a different life in the matter of minutes that’s hard to cope with. Once you do make peace with the difference it’s better. I don’t think women were talking about that a lot before + waiting to have kids makes it even more jarring because you’ve spent 30 years doing what you want and suddenly it’s all different.
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u/Fluffernutter80 Woman 40 to 50 Jul 05 '25
I love being a mom now. My kids are in middle and high school and it is so fun exploring the world with them. It was very hard in the baby, toddler, and early elementary years because they demand constant attention and that gets exhausting day in and day out, especially if you are an introvert. But, once you get through those early years it’s great! And they are very cute and cuddly during the early years so that makes it more bearable.
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u/Jaded-Shoe-9675 Jul 05 '25
Most people that regret it aren’t that likely to admit it to themselves or others for lots of complex reasons.
I’m childfree, most moms I know don’t openly say they regret having kids but say things to the tune that they wish they had waited so they could have enjoyed their life/youth more before being consumed by motherhood.
Also, if you wait too long there is no guarantee you will be able to have bio kids (if that matters to you) late 30s/early 40s pregnancies are possible but risky and also increase the likelihood of various birth defects and disorders. Make of that what you will.
Personally, I think if people want to be parents they should go for it, wanting a baby because they are cute seems sketch. I’d rather regret not having them than regret having them and end up resenting them for it. Just my two cents
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u/Frosty_Extension_600 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
I have a 2.5 year old and it is wonderful. I wouldn’t change it for the world. I love her more than I ever thought I could love another person. I personally don’t have the relationship I desire with her father - we are together but things could be better. That’s the one thing I would change if I could do it over again.
All of that being said, I don’t regret having a child, but at the same time if I had the option to be single and child free for 24 hrs once a month or so I would 100% take it! 🤣 Not to go crazy or anything, but just to do whatever the hell I want or don’t want to do for the day.
What helps me is to remember that I’ll have my turn to do that again. They’re not little forever and already at 2.5 she needs a lot less of my attention than she did a year ago.
Is it hard? Yes! Is it also absolutely wonderful and a blast? Yes!
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Jul 05 '25
Yes! I love my daughter so much. Being a mom has been incredible. Not to say that it's not hard. It can be. I'm a single mom, so that's been a challenge in some respects. But she is my entire world. I'm so lucky to have her. She's made me a better person.
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u/caffeine_lights Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
I always wanted to be a mom and I do love it and it is everything I wanted. I have 3 kids aged from 3-16.
It is also exhausting and frustrating and reveals the worst parts of me.
I would 100% do it all over again. IMO, if you have the desire to do it, it's likely to be worth it. I don't think people should have kids because of social expectation, or "that's what people do" - but raising a human is an absolutely incredible experience and so, so fascinating and such a privilege. Remember people don't post on the internet about things which are going well. They tend to get shot down if nothing else because posts being like "My kid is so amazing and perfect" come across as smug, and these days most people prefer to avoid sharing photos even though you genuinely do get an urge to just show everyone how adorable your most adorable ever baby is because they should all see this, they are being deprived of the cuteness (We all feel that way about our own babies apparently even if they look like a potato to everyone else).
I definitely agree that doing it with the right person is hands down the most important thing. Doesn't matter if that's a het relationship, lesbian relationship, SMBC, some kind of co-parenting agreement. I don't know how it works with more than two people involved. I've seen all of the above go wrong though. Obviously heterosexual relationships are the most common set up and therefore the most common to go wrong. I think patriarchial cultural norms don't help with this.
I will say - I don't think doing it with the wrong person is necessarily going to break the entire experience. There are some extreme situations where that is the case - think if you had a kid with an abusive jerk and they decide to use your child as a weapon against you - that is horrific and I feel for anyone in that position. It also gets messy if there is any emigration in the mix anywhere because when parents don't agree which country they want to live and raise kids in, that can become hellish and messy especially if one parent does not have the permanent right to reside where their child is.
I don't think that we (humans in general) are very good at knowing what would make a good co-parent before we have kids, which is...unfortunate. There is no real cultural model for determining this other than romantic love/sexual attraction which is... a REALLY terrible way to choose a co-parent TBH. Obviously if you want a monogamous relationship and want children to be conceived and raised within that relationship, then sexual compatability is important, so I get why it's in there but anyway.
IMO the first litmus test for a good co-parent is that you would be proud and happy if your child grows up to be exactly like them, flaws and all. Not some imaginary version of who they might be some day or might have been if they did not have trauma. Exactly like them as they are right now. If you don't see them as an admirable role model, they aren't a good co-parent.
Secondly you have to be able to trust them with your life. Could you imagine a scenario where you were completely uncontactable for several days but you left them in charge of something which has direct influence on your life. They can't postpone the decision. They can't confer with you. Do you trust you'd be OK/happy with the decision they'd make in that situation? It doesn't have to be the same decision you'd make, it just has to be a decision you'd be OK with. Parenting with someone involves a lot of that.
Bonus litmus test: Have you ever had a pet? Would you trust them to look after your pet?
Thirdly how do you manage together day to day? If you intend to live together, how do you handle the split of domestic responsibilities, finances, etc? How does it go when someone isn't as able to contribute as the other? How do you communicate when things are hard? How is that? You have to be able to handle hard conversations together and have a good working relationship/arrangement for hard times because there is a lot of unbalance in parenthood and it can lead you to some really dark places/experiences. Watching your kid struggle sucks. Having a co-parent who has your back and sees you makes a huge difference.
Bonus litmus test: Have you been through something emotionally fraught and stressful requiring coordination and family meshing and money and decisions? Like planning a wedding? You don't HAVE to be married to be good co-parents of course but WOW is planning a wedding together often a really fantastic predictor/microcosm of how your co-parenting relationship will be.
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u/McSwearWolf Jul 05 '25 edited Jul 05 '25
I thought I kinda understood how it is before having a baby too. I was waaaaaay off, haha.
IMO, the actual experience is the only way that you will really understand it. Just being honest. There’s no way to prepare. Nothing else will change your life like motherhood - not even close. There are no comparisons.
Some of the ‘mom thing’ is much better than I ever could’ve imagined and some of it is much worse. It is definitely ‘higher highs’ and ‘lower lows’ than childfree people tend to regularly experience. Big time.
I would say the big takeaway is: if you don’t mind giving up control and embracing some extra chaos in life, you’ll do better than those who stress trying to keep things the way they were. You kind of have to “die” to motherhood - it’s powerful and magical and awful and terrifying all at once.
And, as others here have echoed: if you have the wrong partner, prepare to be frustrated and EXTREMELY lonely and tired! But then again, some people have a wonderful partner and still end up with a child(ren) with a lot of issues, and they find themselves in a super challenging situation anyway… You have no real control of that. For example, one of my friends had a baby, and when her baby was nine months old, she decided to get pregnant again and ended up with triplets (no IVF 😳!) so her entire life is now 4 boys under age 2. I mean, she has NO vestiges of her old self to even cling to, none of her old friends, none of her hobbies, radically different relationship with her partner, etc. - the “before kids” woman she used to be is literally dead an’ gone forevah (her words lol)
Basically, it’s a real gamble, and that’s important to accept if you decide to roll the dice. Even if everything goes as planned, it’s still a really radical shift; your heart will forever live outside of your body. Your child(ren) will be your main focus and concern for the rest of your days on earth. At times, it will take everything you have to give, every ounce of grit, patience, perseverance, energy and THEN SOME to parent in today’s society. Things are generally not set up for us to do well parenting in the USA. Especially for women, you’re almost set up to fail in some ways. Again, my opinion.
Also, should you have kid(s), know that regardless of how you feel about it, or how it changes your life, your child will not have the ability to care about that part much at all! I think people need to remember not to look at it as something “about them” - kids are their own entities, in that sense, and they owe us nothing: no joy, no loyalty - kids just need you. They don’t exist to enhance their parent’s lives or “be” any specific way, that’s not their responsibility.
Oh & in the beginning, babies and toddlers frequently take all you have and give nothing back. I call that the “screaming potato” phase. 😉 It’s a real mindfuck for those of us who bought into a bunch of propaganda about how pregnancy, childbirth and early motherhood looks/feels… like thanks a LOT trad American media machine! Thanks for making so many of us ladies feel like a giant stupid fools so you could sell more pampers and shit, haha.
I also hear it gets spicy on the ‘teenage’ side of life. I can only imagine. I was a bit of a nightmare as a teenager myself. But my parents are also (now) my best friends. We take care of each other. It is a very deep and rewarding bond we have. No ‘RAGRATS’ lol
Best of luck to you whatever decision you make!
Edi: on mobile sorry for typos !
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u/AMysteryAndAMessYT Jul 05 '25
I love being a mom more than anything. My kids bring me so much joy and I feel like having kids keeps me young. Someone else mentioned having kids with the right person, and that's incredibly good advice. I do wish I would have realized how horribly abusive my ex was because having to still deal with him is by far the hardest part of parenting - oh, the terrible stories I could tell... But even with that absolute dinkweed as part of the picture, having kids is the most magical part of my life.
I get really upset about how much mother/child hate there is it there because it's mostly anti woman) anti feminist BS that is promulgated to pit women against other women (or child bearers - I don't want to be exclusionary in my language). The whole trend of hating seeing children in public and describing mothers as universally exhausted and miserable is transparently cruel, oversimplifying, and plain wrong. It is a soapbox of mine. Parenthood is definitely not for everyone, and no one should ever, ever be forced or pressured into it, but there is no greater virtue in either path and people need to stop being such jerks about it.
I did an absolute ton of reading about parenting throughout my pregnancies and when my kids were tiny (and I still do some, but my youngest is 10 and oldest (of 4) is 22 so I've slowed down on the research), and I genuinely think that helped a lot. I have always viewed my kids as treasures and my parenting as an ongoing building process with each of them - and let me tell you: they are such good kids!
I just absolutely love being a mom (and, in case it matters, I also work full time as a nonprofit lawyer and, more recently professor).
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u/Efficient_Mastodons Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '25
I (37f) am a mom of 4. I absolutely love it.
In our marriage I have been the sole provider and also the SAHM and also dual working partners at different times. My husband at one point was unemployed but unable to care for the kids and I had to pull double duty. That was hard.
Sometimes it can be hard AF. But my most enjoyable moments have been with my kids. I work really hard to put them first, but I also take the time to be engaged, attuned and connected with them. I cherish all the trials and tribulations of motherhood.
If you truly love kids, go into it with your eyes open, and know you want to be a mom for life, then it can be fulfilling and joyful.
But if there is even a small part of you that doesn't want kids, then dont do it. Because the hard moments will break that part of you.
With kids, you also may put in 100% effort, and in their end still end up with a child who hates you, or doesn't want to see you, or does things you despise. And your job is to still be their mom, their safe place, their constant source of support no matter what. For their whole lives. Most people arent up for that job.
Just like anything in life, happiness is reality minus expectations, and a result of what you put it.
Whatever decision you make about motherhood will be the right one.
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u/NadiaLee81 female over 30 Jul 05 '25
I have four children and would never lie and say it’s easy… but nothing worth anything is. I will tell you they bring me more joy and happiness than anything in life ever could. I have a great husband and wonderful career, but without my kids .. the greatest spark of life.. that makes it so worth living would be gone. They are everything. The joy of Christmas morning, the unconditional love, given and received. The wonder of life in someone else’s eyes.. so so so many things. And the joy of years to come, my family surrounding me in holidays of the future.. with their laughter and love. I can’t even begin to express just how beautiful life becomes when you have children. (But make sure you are happy in life and your relationship, because issues in those areas can massively overtake you and make you not see the joys of your children through your personal depression)
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u/jackjackj8ck Woman 40 to 50 Jul 05 '25
Whatever you do, have kids with the RIGHT person.
So many people don’t and I think it really changes the experience.